Honey, there's nothing I can say, or anything that can be done that will make this better for you. Let yourself feel and lean on whoever you want to lean on, as hard and heavy as you need to. My grandfather attempted the same, unsuccessfully shortly after my grandmother's death. She was his everything, and his life had been devoted to caring for her - even with family waiting in the wings to hold him up, he felt alone. But please don't begrudge yourself for your own past. It's made you who you are, and the lesson was necessary, so that you could grow to appreciate everything. (or at least that's what I tell myself, about my past attempts.) Love and thoughts for yours, your family's and your grandparents' peace.