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Lairbo
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Maybe we should put the so-called Nuclear Football, the codes for launching a nuclear strike, inside an actual football. A regulation NFL Wilson. Trump would never question it. This way, if he ever gets in a mood to drop the Big One on somebody, he'll have to unlace that football first. And (this is important), be sure to tell him the protocol is crystal clear that only he ("You alone must do it, sir!") is permitted to open it and nobody is allowed to help him or the deal is off. And no puncturing. Then, while the president's busy prying... Continue reading
Posted Oct 12, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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NAMBIA (AFA NewsWire) Emphasizing that they have no extradition treaty with the United States, the African nation of Nambia has invited Donald Trump to be that country's "President for Life". "Just please bring all the gold from your many buildings," requests Quentin Faraji, Nambia's minister of finance, speaking on behalf of the country's ruling party in an interview with the Nambian Chronicle. "Since the calamitous covfefe crop failures, our only growth industry is importing American millionaires' offshore bank accounts," Faraji said, "We have attractively low interest rates, tax loopholes you could drive a truck full of shell companies through, and... Continue reading
Posted Sep 21, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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MOSCOW, RUSSIA (AFA NewsWire) Sources close to the Kremlin report that having carefully evaluated Donald Trump's performance after six months as U.S. president, Russian President Vladimir Putin has effectively demoted Mr. Trump, downgrading his status as a Russian tool from "Useful Idiot" to just plain "Idiot". Continue reading
Posted Aug 10, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Blaming the Boy Scouts for Trump's speech is like blaming a kid whose birthday party clown shows up drunk and starts breaking stuff. Continue reading
Posted Jul 26, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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Through their various spokes-henchmen, Ernst Blofeld, Dr. No, Top Job, and Auric Goldfinger vigorously denied reports they had met with White House aide Jared Kushner and presidential advisor Donald Trump Jr. Mr. Goldfinger summed up the group's sentiment regarding their invitation to talk, stating flatly, "I told them, 'No, Mr. Trump, I expect you to lie'." Others rushing to deny having met with anyone from the Trump administration include Anna Kournikova, the Bolshoi Ballet and Yakov Smirnoff. Continue reading
Posted Jul 15, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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Trump cabinet unanimously declares him supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Continue reading
Posted Jun 12, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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Medusa @ SnakesforHair Perseus should be ashamed of himself. My children, Pegasus and Chrysaor, are having a hard time with this. Fake myth! #losingmyhead Continue reading
Posted Jun 4, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Howya doin'? What do you think? WTF? Did you see this? What are you doing? How long is that gonna take? Seriously? Are you even listening? What are you, an idiot? Huh? Are you ready to order? Why, oh, Lord, why? Can I ask you a question? Continue reading
Posted May 18, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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1) Thou shalt not pay more attention to anything than thou doth to Trump. 2) Thou shalt not contradict any remark, tweet or statement made by Trump before he doth do so himself. 3) Thou shalt keep and remember Presidents Day and honor, especially, the current president, more even than any of the others, except maybe Jackson. 4) Thou shalt not believe in fake news. 5) Thou shalt not covet what is Trump's; not his wealth, business acumen, fantastic negotiating skills, his daughter nor any such thing that Trump possesses or doth himself covet. 6) Thou shalt not ask about... Continue reading
Posted May 14, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) President Donald J. Trump is reported to be, “Totally confident and not at all worried” about his first job performance review from Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, White House sources are reporting. Lavrov’s visit to the White House on Wednesday is the first in-person review by a Russian official of Trump’s performance as U.S. President. The meeting is expected to last about an hour and, along with the Foreign Minister’s assessment, to involve conversation on such topics as Trump’s having completed assigned tasks, met goals, overall effectiveness, growth on the job, strengths, weaknesses, and any areas... Continue reading
Posted May 10, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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Congressman Raúl R. Labrador (R-Idaho) clarifies his remarks defending his vote on the AHCA. Continue reading
Posted May 9, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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In your country you follow Twitter; in Russia, Twitter follows you… ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh. In Russia, friends of Putin become millionaires; in America, millionaire friends of Putin become Secretary of State... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh. In America, you put up wall to keep people out; in Russia, they put up wall because so many bricks still lying around from rubble of society ruined by communism... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh. In Russia computer hackers break into American politician's email to make public embarrassing information; in America, public just waits for politician to embarrass himself... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh. In your... Continue reading
Posted May 4, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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When I wrote “Talk to the Hair: A Look Back at The First 100 Days of the Trump Presidency” the idea of Donald Trump as president — he wasn’t even the nominee yet — seemed as outlandish as it was unlikely. Well, we know how that turned out. Now that those 100 days have passed, I wondered how accurately my predictions had been. Below is a list of what I got right or came close enough to deserve some credit. My final score is at the bottom. Cause Widespread Agita So far, nobody’s dubbed the psychic trauma of living in... Continue reading
Posted Apr 29, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) US Attorney General Jeff Sessions expressed astonishment and chagrin today that “some colored fella” was allowed to be president, saying, "I mean, what with all the power and authority that office holds." High-ranking Justice Department officials report that Sessions is calling for a full investigation. Continue reading
Posted Apr 21, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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Chocolate cake here is terrible. Worst you've ever seen. Small portions, too. Sad. Guy in dining hall wanted to thank me for what I did to country. Winning! Misheard dinner companion. Actually said, "shank me". Looking for security detail. Nervous. Skinhead gang interested. The man with bad hair will be king of the bald! I will RULE! Winning Again! Turns out Skinheads bald by choice, my hair won't help me. Also, Bannon got there first. Unfair! Got in thanks to Bannon. Cost all my smokes. Must get tattoo now. So many cool choices. Overwhelmed. Refusing to share gang leadership, Bannon... Continue reading
Posted Apr 19, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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Pentagon Replacing “DEFCON” Military Activity/Threat-Level Status With Alert System Keyed to Whatever President Trump Is Having for Dessert Chocolate Cake Tomahawk missiles launched from offshore in symbolic gesture. Apple Pie (a la mode) Beach landing that results in planting of American flag on vanquished country’s soil. Pineapple Upside Down Cake Any military action taken south of the equator. Key Lime Pie The president and his pals have removed all their offshore accounts from the Cayman Islands and are sending in troops to confiscate everyone else's. S'mores Trump's ordered seconds but can't remember if it was more dessert or another airstrike.... Continue reading
Posted Apr 13, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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Trum-poc-ry-phal /trumpäkrəfəl/ adjective self-serving and/or crowd-pleasing statement (or tweet) of doubtful sincerity of intent, although expressed as a solemn promise, widely circulated and accepted as such but one that carries with it little or no realistic expectation (by the speaker or, increasingly, the listener) in the likelihood of its fullfilment and (at a maximum) mimimal effort to conceal its core falsity. (See also, newly coined variant of expression "Talking through his hat," "Talking through his hair".) Continue reading
Posted Apr 12, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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Q: Will Sean Spicer be the Easter Bunny again this year? A: No. It will not be Sean Spicer in the Easter Bunny costume. Q: Why not? A: Mr. Spicer has other things to do. He’s a busy guy. Q: Is there any truth to the rumor that the Fabergé Eggs being rolled by the younger Trumps and Kushners are a gift from Vladimir Putin? A: The Fabergé Eggs the roya- first family's children will be rolling come from the personal collection of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson who has generously donated them for this event. We don’t know where... Continue reading
Posted Apr 11, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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“Terrible. Lying to people so they believe things that aren’t true just for fun. Sad,” tweeted the president from Mar-A-Lago on Saturday morning. #ProsOnly Continue reading
Posted Apr 1, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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hypenotized [hipe·no·tyzed] noun a semi-trance state induced by prolonged exposure to relentless and excessive overstatement and exaggeration, causing sensory overload and resulting in either: 1) heightened susceptibilty to suggestion or; 2) numb indifference to any and all futher input. Continue reading
Posted Mar 23, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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In a last-minute revision of the American Health Care Act, aka Trumpcare, Republican legislators removed a clause that (after the deductible) would have covered the cost of exorcism, patent medicines, and bloodletting. As Speaker Ryan stated, “Consumers will still have access to such traditional remedies as Christianity based faith healing, and a wide variety of snake bite elixers, and leeches, but the AHCA isn't gonna pay for them.” Additionally, 'The vapors', 'Ill bodily humors', and "the heebee-jeebees' were re-classified as pre-existing conditions. Continue reading
Posted Mar 20, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac