http://www.sportscomplainer.com for sports satire with a splash of sensitivity http://www.sportscomplainer.com - The Sports Complainer

http://www.sportscomplainer.com for sports satire with a splash of sensitivity http://www.sportscomplainer.com - The Sports Complainer

http://www.sportscomplainer.com for sports satire with a splash of sensitivity http://www.sportscomplainer.com - The Sports Complainer

http://www.sportscomplainer.com for sports satire with a splash of sensitivity http://www.sportscomplainer.com - The Sports Complainer

http://www.sportscomplainer.com for sports satire with a splash of sensitivity http://www.sportscomplainer.com - The Sports Complainer

http://www.sportscomplainer.com for sports satire with a splash of sensitivity http://www.sportscomplainer.com - The Sports Complainer

http://www.sportscomplainer.com for sports satire with a splash of sensitivity http://www.sportscomplainer.com - The Sports Complainer

What did you watch: The NBA Draft or Michael Jackson? by Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer http://www.sportscomplainer.com written on 06/25/09 ----Like music to my ears: With the first pick in the 2009 NBA Draft… Love it. Feel it. The sensation that indicates a new wave of youth and talent and optimism is entering the league. But I couldn’t feel it. And I didn’t love it. What I felt, was the same thing I heard. The King (LeBron, please sit down). Michael Jackson. The King of Pop. Not just an iconic figure. The iconic figure. As big as Elvis and The Beatles. Surreally, tonight, The King has passed. We will always remember Michael for the good and only the good. And if you feel otherwise, stop reading my article. For this piece, along with the billions of other dedications across the globe, is in memory of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Sports. Okay. Let’s get to it, huh? But first, in your head, replay your favorite Michael Jackson song. And while you’re at it, stand up, and moonwalk. C’mon. Just do it, no one’s watching. “With the first pick in the 2009 NBA Draft, the Los Angeles Clippers select Blake Griffin,” David Stern stated during the commencement of ESPN’s coverage. And that was about as exciting as it got for this year’s draft. Superseded by the passing of The King; and more basketball appertaining, the major trades that transpired, the draft was anything but a “Thriller.” Before I plunge into the nitty-gritty of the selection process, let’s first reflect upon the legitimate NBA news. The blockbuster trades. Shaq to LeBron. Whoa. RJ to San Antonio. Whoa. Vinsanity to Superman. Whoa. Hold on a moment as I get my inhaler. Alright, I’m back. As I was just alluding to, these trades could be “Dangerous” for the rest of the league. Shaquille O’Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers -Phoenix receives Ben Wallace, Sasha Pavlovic, 2nd round pick in 2010, cash considerations -Cleveland receives Shaquille O’Neal Looks like The Big Leach has managed to attach himself to another superstar. Just recollect for a moment. Undoubtedly, the three best wing players in the league are Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James (yes, in that order). And two out of the three is obviously not sufficient enough for Shaquille. Thus, it’s no surprise that Shaq landed where he did. Championship? Not quite. Rather than acquiring better perimeter defenders, Cleveland went down another road. Not exactly the road well traveled, but the road over traveled. Shaq has more miles on him than South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s (we all know his pathetic story) frequent flyer card. That’s partially why (and money) the young and rebuilding Suns told Shaq to “Beat It.” Besides, Shaq is selfish, always has been, always will be. In his interview aired during the draft, Shaq declared that he’ll do anything to be “the first to five [championships].” Kobe! Duck! Shaq just took another shot at you. Clearly, Shaq will never get over his former lover. Selfish does not work in the NBA, just ask Allen Iverson (sorry A.I., you’re still in my Fav 5, I promise). Vince Carter to the Orlando Magic -New Jersey receives Courtney Lee, Rafer Alston, Tony Battie -Orlando receives Vince Carter, Ryan Anderson The Magic is clearly in win-now mode. They let a rising star in Courtney Lee escape. Not to mention, the wand behind the magic, Skip is gone. Yes, Jameer Nelson is still there, but Skip is the one who hopscotched them all the way to the Finals. Although, Vinsanity has his own magic to stir in Merlin’s pot. With all of Orlando’s perimeter talent, evidently, Carter does not need to be a primary option. So, Championship? Closer than Cleveland, but no. Hedo He Does Turkoglu, one of the most underrated and complete players in the league, has just opted out of his contract. And Orlando, due to the trade, does not have the salary cap flexibility to offer the kind of “Money” that he’s going to demand (and acquire elsewhere). After all that Hedo has done for the Magic, instead of saving cap space by not trading for Carter, GM Otis Smith has basically told Hedo to “Fly Away.” Richard Jefferson to the San Antonio Spurs -Milwaukee receives Bruce Bowen, Kurt Thomas -San Antonio receives Richard Jefferson - (Additionally, the Spurs sent Fabricio Oberto to the Pistons for Amir Johnson, who then went to the Bucks) Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, Richard Jefferson and Tim Duncan. Whoa. (Draftees: Jack McClinton, an under the radar Stephen Curry with even more grit and heart; and DeJuan Blair, a poor poor poor man’s Charles Barkley; but we’ll get to the draft a bit later.) Gregg Popovich must have told GM R.C. Buford, “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough.” They got enough. What other team has three legitimate penetrators who can finish and dish out? Unstoppable? Possibly. Championship? Indeed (quote me). Of course, health remains a question, but Pop will get them through the grueling NBA schedule with his pedigree, and with the manner in which he regulates minutes. While it’s tasteless and ungrateful that San Antonio just threw away the defensive soul in Bruce Bowen, overall, R.C. Buford looks like a “Smooth Criminal.” Whoa, huh? Major movement, huh? Now for some minor movement in which I call the honorable mention of the blockbuster trades. Mike Miller and Randy Foye to the Washington Wizards -Minnesota receives 5th overall pick, Etan Thomas, Darius Songaila, Oleksiy Pecherov -Washington receives Mike Miller, Randy Foye “I’m Ricky Rubio, I’m not like anybody else,” Rubio (selected 5th overall by Minnesota) stated in his post draft interview. Well, the kid definitely has flair. More substantially, he has the anticipation of Wayne Gretzky and the vision of Jason Kidd. Plus, he resembles Pistol Pete Maravich (I only said resembles). Then why did Washington trade away that pick? Gilbert Arenas is a scoring point guard; why not move him to shooting guard and let Ricky run the team? Sure, Gilbert would be undersized as a shooting guard, but Rubio would be 6’5” at the point position. Nonetheless, I am slighting neither Miller nor Foye, they’re legit players in this league. Couple them with Caron Butler, Antawn Jamison and a healthy Arenas and Brendan Haywood: That’s a nice little squad. Anyway, with reports from Marca.com stating that Ricky Rubio may stay in Spain for a few more years, the world is wondering, “Will You Be There,” Ricky? Jamal Crawford to the Atlanta Hawks -Golden State receives Acie Law, Speedy Claxton -Atlanta receives Jamal Crawford Don’t dismiss this trade. Jamal Crawford is “Bad.” Yes, he’s as inconsistent as it gets in professional sports. The guy can put up 52 one night and 2 the next. But he’s playing for an Atlanta team that’s already loaded with talent. Championship? Just Kidding. Big names possibly on the move -Amar’e Stoudemire, Rasheed Wallace, Tracy McGrady, Brandon Bass, Ricky Rubio, Zach Randolph, Mehmet Okur, David Lee, Ben Gordon Even after all the amiss in the day, those trades have to make you “Smile.” I’m getting the “Butterflies” just thinking about it all. Rather than starting with the specifics of the draft, I have opted to first display the humorous “Monkey Business” that occurred: Mark Jackson, who is usually excellent in his observations, gave his input on Blake Griffin. “This is a special player,” Jackson continued, “[who is] going to a great situation.” Really, Mark? I don’t think you’d feel that way if you were headed to the Detroit Lions of the NBA. Yea, great situation. And so is Iraq. Ricky Rubio. Projected by most analysts to go in the top three, didn’t go till five. Furthermore, two guards were selected above him (James Harden and Tyreke Evans). I naturally assume that analysts attributed so much hype to him, simply because they enjoy saying his name. Try it with me: If you roll the R’s, it’s really fun. Rrrrricky Rrrrrubio. I get it. Hell, I’d select him number one with that name. And that accent. That accent is just too much. I’m still laughing. “I’m Ricky Rubio, I’m not like anybody else.” “Is It Scary?” Yes, Blake Griffin’s purple shirt was scary. “Speechless.” Yes, I was when James Harden came out in a bow tie. C’mon dude, only Miami Heat Assistant Coach Keith Askins can pull that ensemble off. Tyler Hansbrough to the Indiana Pacers. Of course Larry Bird took a white dude. I haven’t seen a basketball team with that many white guys since the 1950’s. Keep piling on those high character, low talent players, Larry. That’s precisely what’s going to get your club out of financial woes. David Stern. What a Jew. (I can say that, I’m Jew.) The guy is never happy or satisfied. Yet when he announced the 23rd overall pick (Sacramento’s), his double chin quadrupled over. I’ve never seen The Stern so giddy. Why? Because Omri Casspi, an Israeli out of Maccabi Tel Aviv, was selected. If he makes Sacramento’s roster (which is pretty certain, considering 1st round selections have guaranteed contracts), then he will become the first Israeli born player in the league. Hey Jordan Farmar, you now have a buddy. With the 5th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. With the 6th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. With the 18th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. Yes, I’m aware they traded away Ty Lawson; still, that’s comedy. But this year’s Sports Complainer Award for Best Comedic Performance goes to Brandon Jennings (applaud). Reader, please tell me you witnessed what occurred with Mr. Jennings. This kid is out to lunch (he’s at dinner too.) His comedic genius surpasses Larry David, Don Rickles and Jack Benny (even though his drollery was actually unintentional). For those of you who were not fortunate enough to view such a spectacle, allow me to explain. When Milwaukee selected Jennings with the 10th overall pick, he was absent. ESPN then reported that Jennings would not attend the draft unless he was ensured to be a lottery pick. I’m assuming he received the news of his draft status; for when Phoenix selected Earl Clark with the 14th overall pick, Brandon Jennings magically appeared on the stage (No, he does not have any relation to Earl Clark or the Suns). Wait, it gets better. He then raised his arms in the air as if he had just knocked out Apollo Creed. You’ve got to love this kid. He does everything unorthodoxly: Went oversees instead of attending college, sported a High-Top Fade when it was clearly out of style, and for his grand finale, he was tardy on draft night. If his NBA career doesn’t pan out, he clearly has other options. Hilarity. Disorder. Grief. Wasn’t this night supposed to be about the young talent entering the league? It was. Keyword, was. Nevertheless, for The Sports Complainer’s full player analysis of the 2009 NBA Draft, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com/id19.html . “Will You Be There?” “We’ve Had Enough” of the NBA talk. Someone else deserves the coverage. The “Man In The Mirror,” The King of Pop, Michael Jackson. “You Are Not Alone” Michael, we will always remember your moves. We will always remember your music. And we will always remember you. He once sang, “gonna change the world.” Well Michael, you did. And you did it for the better. Tonight a legend has passed. And while Michael is “Gone Too Soon,” Legends never die. Legends never die. (Note: I watched Michael Jackson. I DVRed the NBA Draft.) In Memory of Michael Jackson (1958 – Forever) for more, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer

Dear ESPN, you’re ruining sports by Zak Kertesz, sports satire with a splash of sensitivity http://www.sportscomplainer.com The Sports Complainer written on 06/16/09 ----Plaxico Burress’ hearing is delayed. Donte’ Stallworth is sentenced to jail time. Ryan Leaf (Ryan Leaf?) is eluding the police. courtTV, right? Uh-uh. It’s the present day ESPN. (Note: courtTV is now truTV.) When Bill Rasmussen, the creator of ESPN, developed the idea in 1978, was his idea to televise scofflaws or sports? I cannot state for certain, but I naturally assume the “S” stands for the latter. ESPN calls themselves the leading destination for American convicts, I mean sports. So where’s the actual sports coverage? Sports aficionados don’t want to see the amiss in sports. They “witness” (No LeBron, I’m not talking about you) society’s turmoil everyday when they get out of bed. They don’t need more bedlam and they certainly don’t want it either. They want stats. They want scores. They want actual sporting events. We, as an aching nation, as a wounded world, want to see things like Michael Jordan’s game winner over Bryon Russell in the Finals. We want to see things like Kirk Gibson’s limp-off home run over Dennis Eckersley in the World Series. We want to see things like USA miraculously beating the Soviet’s in the 1980 Winter Olympics. (“Do you believe in miracles? Yes!” – Thanks Al Michaels) We want to see things that make our body succumb to horripilation (goose bumps). The joyous feeling that begins in our thoughts but travels to our hearts; the feeling that makes our eyes water and our speech stutter. That’s why we watch sports. That’s why we love sports. But what does ESPN give our nation, our world, instead? Scandals. Trials. Convictions. Imprisonments. All resulting in further defamation of our beloved sports. Understandably, it’s a slow time for sports, the summer, it always is. And I accept the fact that news is news and more significantly, this news does involve athletes. Fine ESPN. Put it out there. Remind us of how atrocious our civilization is. But please, oh please, not under the bleeping headlines of your website and not under the bleeping LEAD of your television station. Rather, install a section entitled: “we must make money” and place these journalistic necessities under such. Dear worldwide leader in sports, if you insist in altering the “S” in ESPN from sports to scofflaws, then here are some revisions that may assist in further developing your new image: Sportscenter to Convictcenter. Jim Rome is Burning to Jim Rome is in the Courthouse. Around the Horn to Around the Federal Penitentiary. Sounds pretty entertaining actually…but not, I repeat not, for a sports network. Dude, head CEO man (I refuse to waste my efforts in researching your name or title), change it up. At precisely 12:32 pm on Tuesday, June 16, 2009: ESPN offered courtTV-esque stories as five of its top six headlines (on their website). And the singular headline that differentiates itself from the rest: Brett Favre (but with all of his deception and betrayal, he fits the bill). At least you’re consistent, ESPN. Shall we go through the headlines one by one? We shall: (Reminder: This is just in one day. ESPN perpetually does this.) 1. “Stallworth gets 30 days in jail in DUI fatality” 2. (The Lying Wrangler) 3. “Leaf faces Thursday deadline to turn himself in” 4. “NASCAR says Mayfield expert lied about degree” 5. “Phelps gets first endorsement since scandal” 6. “Burress hearing delayed to Sept. 23” Get it? Got it? Good. Because I don’t get it. Ryan Leaf? Really? My youngest brother’s JV summer basketball practices are more relevant. At least he plays. Poor Michael Phelps. ESPN, Do you really need to continue to bring the kid down? So, he smoked pot. George Washington used to grow fields upon fields of it. Plaxico Burress shot himself. He shot himself. That should be on Comedy Central, not ESPN. Indeed, as I previously confirmed, ESPN, the supposed worldwide leader in sports, does have the journalistic responsibility to entertain these topics. But not as main headlines. Italy rallies to defeat U.S. by a score of 3-1 in the FIFA Confederations Cup; As New Jersey-born (traitor) Giuseppe Rossi scores two goals. Manny Pacquiao (49-3) (the Philippine Elvis, who is singlehandedly bringing back the sport of boxing) is set to fight Miguel Cotto (34-1) (who is coming off a split-decision victory over Joshua Clottey (35-3)) on November 14 in Las Vegas. Now those are headlines. True sports headlines. And if those are not to your liking, ESPN, then provide MLB scores and MLS scores and NASCAR standings and Tennis rankings as your headlines. Yes, ESPN does acknowledge such information, although assigns them to purgatory deeply within the confines of the cyber underworld; rather than accrediting them to, oh I don’t know, the headlines! C’mon, ESPN? Don’t you have anyone, anyone within your staff who could figure all this out? Thanks to The Sports Complainer, you now know this. People who watch ESPN are sports fans, not court fans. If they were, they’d tune in to Judge Judy. And granted, some individuals do enjoy the drama, but that’s what E! is for. ESPN and accompanying suits, you are ruining sports. Please, I’m asking you nicely to stop slaying what our world loves. Our society watches sports to forget about the disorderly distress that life brings forth. To forget about the pink slips and the shrinking paychecks (economy). To forget about the right-wing crazies and the suicide bombers (terrorism). To forget about the continuously escalating fuel prices (energy crisis). To forget about the insane world leaders with powerful toys (nuclear threats). They tune in to clear their minds of such pandemonium, not to convolute their minds with more brouhaha, especially irrelevant brouhaha. Open your eyes ESPN, realize this. Realize that this society follows sports with their hearts, with their souls, with an expectation that sports will make them feel better about the world around them. And ESPN, you’re ruining that. You really are. sports satire with a splash of sensitivity for more, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com zak kertesz, the sportscomplainer

What did you watch: The NBA Draft or Michael Jackson? by Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer http://www.sportscomplainer.com written on 06/25/09 ----Like music to my ears: With the first pick in the 2009 NBA Draft… Love it. Feel it. The sensation that indicates a new wave of youth and talent and optimism is entering the league. But I couldn’t feel it. And I didn’t love it. What I felt, was the same thing I heard. The King (LeBron, please sit down). Michael Jackson. The King of Pop. Not just an iconic figure. The iconic figure. As big as Elvis and The Beatles. Surreally, tonight, The King has passed. We will always remember Michael for the good and only the good. And if you feel otherwise, stop reading my article. For this piece, along with the billions of other dedications across the globe, is in memory of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Sports. Okay. Let’s get to it, huh? But first, in your head, replay your favorite Michael Jackson song. And while you’re at it, stand up, and moonwalk. C’mon. Just do it, no one’s watching. “With the first pick in the 2009 NBA Draft, the Los Angeles Clippers select Blake Griffin,” David Stern stated during the commencement of ESPN’s coverage. And that was about as exciting as it got for this year’s draft. Superseded by the passing of The King; and more basketball appertaining, the major trades that transpired, the draft was anything but a “Thriller.” Before I plunge into the nitty-gritty of the selection process, let’s first reflect upon the legitimate NBA news. The blockbuster trades. Shaq to LeBron. Whoa. RJ to San Antonio. Whoa. Vinsanity to Superman. Whoa. Hold on a moment as I get my inhaler. Alright, I’m back. As I was just alluding to, these trades could be “Dangerous” for the rest of the league. Shaquille O’Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers -Phoenix receives Ben Wallace, Sasha Pavlovic, 2nd round pick in 2010, cash considerations -Cleveland receives Shaquille O’Neal Looks like The Big Leach has managed to attach himself to another superstar. Just recollect for a moment. Undoubtedly, the three best wing players in the league are Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James (yes, in that order). And two out of the three is obviously not sufficient enough for Shaquille. Thus, it’s no surprise that Shaq landed where he did. Championship? Not quite. Rather than acquiring better perimeter defenders, Cleveland went down another road. Not exactly the road well traveled, but the road over traveled. Shaq has more miles on him than South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s (we all know his pathetic story) frequent flyer card. That’s partially why (and money) the young and rebuilding Suns told Shaq to “Beat It.” Besides, Shaq is selfish, always has been, always will be. In his interview aired during the draft, Shaq declared that he’ll do anything to be “the first to five [championships].” Kobe! Duck! Shaq just took another shot at you. Clearly, Shaq will never get over his former lover. Selfish does not work in the NBA, just ask Allen Iverson (sorry A.I., you’re still in my Fav 5, I promise). Vince Carter to the Orlando Magic -New Jersey receives Courtney Lee, Rafer Alston, Tony Battie -Orlando receives Vince Carter, Ryan Anderson The Magic is clearly in win-now mode. They let a rising star in Courtney Lee escape. Not to mention, the wand behind the magic, Skip is gone. Yes, Jameer Nelson is still there, but Skip is the one who hopscotched them all the way to the Finals. Although, Vinsanity has his own magic to stir in Merlin’s pot. With all of Orlando’s perimeter talent, evidently, Carter does not need to be a primary option. So, Championship? Closer than Cleveland, but no. Hedo He Does Turkoglu, one of the most underrated and complete players in the league, has just opted out of his contract. And Orlando, due to the trade, does not have the salary cap flexibility to offer the kind of “Money” that he’s going to demand (and acquire elsewhere). After all that Hedo has done for the Magic, instead of saving cap space by not trading for Carter, GM Otis Smith has basically told Hedo to “Fly Away.” Richard Jefferson to the San Antonio Spurs -Milwaukee receives Bruce Bowen, Kurt Thomas -San Antonio receives Richard Jefferson - (Additionally, the Spurs sent Fabricio Oberto to the Pistons for Amir Johnson, who then went to the Bucks) Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, Richard Jefferson and Tim Duncan. Whoa. (Draftees: Jack McClinton, an under the radar Stephen Curry with even more grit and heart; and DeJuan Blair, a poor poor poor man’s Charles Barkley; but we’ll get to the draft a bit later.) Gregg Popovich must have told GM R.C. Buford, “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough.” They got enough. What other team has three legitimate penetrators who can finish and dish out? Unstoppable? Possibly. Championship? Indeed (quote me). Of course, health remains a question, but Pop will get them through the grueling NBA schedule with his pedigree, and with the manner in which he regulates minutes. While it’s tasteless and ungrateful that San Antonio just threw away the defensive soul in Bruce Bowen, overall, R.C. Buford looks like a “Smooth Criminal.” Whoa, huh? Major movement, huh? Now for some minor movement in which I call the honorable mention of the blockbuster trades. Mike Miller and Randy Foye to the Washington Wizards -Minnesota receives 5th overall pick, Etan Thomas, Darius Songaila, Oleksiy Pecherov -Washington receives Mike Miller, Randy Foye “I’m Ricky Rubio, I’m not like anybody else,” Rubio (selected 5th overall by Minnesota) stated in his post draft interview. Well, the kid definitely has flair. More substantially, he has the anticipation of Wayne Gretzky and the vision of Jason Kidd. Plus, he resembles Pistol Pete Maravich (I only said resembles). Then why did Washington trade away that pick? Gilbert Arenas is a scoring point guard; why not move him to shooting guard and let Ricky run the team? Sure, Gilbert would be undersized as a shooting guard, but Rubio would be 6’5” at the point position. Nonetheless, I am slighting neither Miller nor Foye, they’re legit players in this league. Couple them with Caron Butler, Antawn Jamison and a healthy Arenas and Brendan Haywood: That’s a nice little squad. Anyway, with reports from Marca.com stating that Ricky Rubio may stay in Spain for a few more years, the world is wondering, “Will You Be There,” Ricky? Jamal Crawford to the Atlanta Hawks -Golden State receives Acie Law, Speedy Claxton -Atlanta receives Jamal Crawford Don’t dismiss this trade. Jamal Crawford is “Bad.” Yes, he’s as inconsistent as it gets in professional sports. The guy can put up 52 one night and 2 the next. But he’s playing for an Atlanta team that’s already loaded with talent. Championship? Just Kidding. Big names possibly on the move -Amar’e Stoudemire, Rasheed Wallace, Tracy McGrady, Brandon Bass, Ricky Rubio, Zach Randolph, Mehmet Okur, David Lee, Ben Gordon Even after all the amiss in the day, those trades have to make you “Smile.” I’m getting the “Butterflies” just thinking about it all. Rather than starting with the specifics of the draft, I have opted to first display the humorous “Monkey Business” that occurred: Mark Jackson, who is usually excellent in his observations, gave his input on Blake Griffin. “This is a special player,” Jackson continued, “[who is] going to a great situation.” Really, Mark? I don’t think you’d feel that way if you were headed to the Detroit Lions of the NBA. Yea, great situation. And so is Iraq. Ricky Rubio. Projected by most analysts to go in the top three, didn’t go till five. Furthermore, two guards were selected above him (James Harden and Tyreke Evans). I naturally assume that analysts attributed so much hype to him, simply because they enjoy saying his name. Try it with me: If you roll the R’s, it’s really fun. Rrrrricky Rrrrrubio. I get it. Hell, I’d select him number one with that name. And that accent. That accent is just too much. I’m still laughing. “I’m Ricky Rubio, I’m not like anybody else.” “Is It Scary?” Yes, Blake Griffin’s purple shirt was scary. “Speechless.” Yes, I was when James Harden came out in a bow tie. C’mon dude, only Miami Heat Assistant Coach Keith Askins can pull that ensemble off. Tyler Hansbrough to the Indiana Pacers. Of course Larry Bird took a white dude. I haven’t seen a basketball team with that many white guys since the 1950’s. Keep piling on those high character, low talent players, Larry. That’s precisely what’s going to get your club out of financial woes. David Stern. What a Jew. (I can say that, I’m Jew.) The guy is never happy or satisfied. Yet when he announced the 23rd overall pick (Sacramento’s), his double chin quadrupled over. I’ve never seen The Stern so giddy. Why? Because Omri Casspi, an Israeli out of Maccabi Tel Aviv, was selected. If he makes Sacramento’s roster (which is pretty certain, considering 1st round selections have guaranteed contracts), then he will become the first Israeli born player in the league. Hey Jordan Farmar, you now have a buddy. With the 5th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. With the 6th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. With the 18th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. Yes, I’m aware they traded away Ty Lawson; still, that’s comedy. But this year’s Sports Complainer Award for Best Comedic Performance goes to Brandon Jennings (applaud). Reader, please tell me you witnessed what occurred with Mr. Jennings. This kid is out to lunch (he’s at dinner too.) His comedic genius surpasses Larry David, Don Rickles and Jack Benny (even though his drollery was actually unintentional). For those of you who were not fortunate enough to view such a spectacle, allow me to explain. When Milwaukee selected Jennings with the 10th overall pick, he was absent. ESPN then reported that Jennings would not attend the draft unless he was ensured to be a lottery pick. I’m assuming he received the news of his draft status; for when Phoenix selected Earl Clark with the 14th overall pick, Brandon Jennings magically appeared on the stage (No, he does not have any relation to Earl Clark or the Suns). Wait, it gets better. He then raised his arms in the air as if he had just knocked out Apollo Creed. You’ve got to love this kid. He does everything unorthodoxly: Went oversees instead of attending college, sported a High-Top Fade when it was clearly out of style, and for his grand finale, he was tardy on draft night. If his NBA career doesn’t pan out, he clearly has other options. Hilarity. Disorder. Grief. Wasn’t this night supposed to be about the young talent entering the league? It was. Keyword, was. Nevertheless, for The Sports Complainer’s full player analysis of the 2009 NBA Draft, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com/id19.html . “Will You Be There?” “We’ve Had Enough” of the NBA talk. Someone else deserves the coverage. The “Man In The Mirror,” The King of Pop, Michael Jackson. “You Are Not Alone” Michael, we will always remember your moves. We will always remember your music. And we will always remember you. He once sang, “gonna change the world.” Well Michael, you did. And you did it for the better. Tonight a legend has passed. And while Michael is “Gone Too Soon,” Legends never die. Legends never die. (Note: I watched Michael Jackson. I DVRed the NBA Draft.) In Memory of Michael Jackson (1958 – Forever) for more, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer

What did you watch: The NBA Draft or Michael Jackson? by Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer http://www.sportscomplainer.com written on 06/25/09 ----Like music to my ears: With the first pick in the 2009 NBA Draft… Love it. Feel it. The sensation that indicates a new wave of youth and talent and optimism is entering the league. But I couldn’t feel it. And I didn’t love it. What I felt, was the same thing I heard. The King (LeBron, please sit down). Michael Jackson. The King of Pop. Not just an iconic figure. The iconic figure. As big as Elvis and The Beatles. Surreally, tonight, The King has passed. We will always remember Michael for the good and only the good. And if you feel otherwise, stop reading my article. For this piece, along with the billions of other dedications across the globe, is in memory of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Sports. Okay. Let’s get to it, huh? But first, in your head, replay your favorite Michael Jackson song. And while you’re at it, stand up, and moonwalk. C’mon. Just do it, no one’s watching. “With the first pick in the 2009 NBA Draft, the Los Angeles Clippers select Blake Griffin,” David Stern stated during the commencement of ESPN’s coverage. And that was about as exciting as it got for this year’s draft. Superseded by the passing of The King; and more basketball appertaining, the major trades that transpired, the draft was anything but a “Thriller.” Before I plunge into the nitty-gritty of the selection process, let’s first reflect upon the legitimate NBA news. The blockbuster trades. Shaq to LeBron. Whoa. RJ to San Antonio. Whoa. Vinsanity to Superman. Whoa. Hold on a moment as I get my inhaler. Alright, I’m back. As I was just alluding to, these trades could be “Dangerous” for the rest of the league. Shaquille O’Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers -Phoenix receives Ben Wallace, Sasha Pavlovic, 2nd round pick in 2010, cash considerations -Cleveland receives Shaquille O’Neal Looks like The Big Leach has managed to attach himself to another superstar. Just recollect for a moment. Undoubtedly, the three best wing players in the league are Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James (yes, in that order). And two out of the three is obviously not sufficient enough for Shaquille. Thus, it’s no surprise that Shaq landed where he did. Championship? Not quite. Rather than acquiring better perimeter defenders, Cleveland went down another road. Not exactly the road well traveled, but the road over traveled. Shaq has more miles on him than South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s (we all know his pathetic story) frequent flyer card. That’s partially why (and money) the young and rebuilding Suns told Shaq to “Beat It.” Besides, Shaq is selfish, always has been, always will be. In his interview aired during the draft, Shaq declared that he’ll do anything to be “the first to five [championships].” Kobe! Duck! Shaq just took another shot at you. Clearly, Shaq will never get over his former lover. Selfish does not work in the NBA, just ask Allen Iverson (sorry A.I., you’re still in my Fav 5, I promise). Vince Carter to the Orlando Magic -New Jersey receives Courtney Lee, Rafer Alston, Tony Battie -Orlando receives Vince Carter, Ryan Anderson The Magic is clearly in win-now mode. They let a rising star in Courtney Lee escape. Not to mention, the wand behind the magic, Skip is gone. Yes, Jameer Nelson is still there, but Skip is the one who hopscotched them all the way to the Finals. Although, Vinsanity has his own magic to stir in Merlin’s pot. With all of Orlando’s perimeter talent, evidently, Carter does not need to be a primary option. So, Championship? Closer than Cleveland, but no. Hedo He Does Turkoglu, one of the most underrated and complete players in the league, has just opted out of his contract. And Orlando, due to the trade, does not have the salary cap flexibility to offer the kind of “Money” that he’s going to demand (and acquire elsewhere). After all that Hedo has done for the Magic, instead of saving cap space by not trading for Carter, GM Otis Smith has basically told Hedo to “Fly Away.” Richard Jefferson to the San Antonio Spurs -Milwaukee receives Bruce Bowen, Kurt Thomas -San Antonio receives Richard Jefferson - (Additionally, the Spurs sent Fabricio Oberto to the Pistons for Amir Johnson, who then went to the Bucks) Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, Richard Jefferson and Tim Duncan. Whoa. (Draftees: Jack McClinton, an under the radar Stephen Curry with even more grit and heart; and DeJuan Blair, a poor poor poor man’s Charles Barkley; but we’ll get to the draft a bit later.) Gregg Popovich must have told GM R.C. Buford, “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough.” They got enough. What other team has three legitimate penetrators who can finish and dish out? Unstoppable? Possibly. Championship? Indeed (quote me). Of course, health remains a question, but Pop will get them through the grueling NBA schedule with his pedigree, and with the manner in which he regulates minutes. While it’s tasteless and ungrateful that San Antonio just threw away the defensive soul in Bruce Bowen, overall, R.C. Buford looks like a “Smooth Criminal.” Whoa, huh? Major movement, huh? Now for some minor movement in which I call the honorable mention of the blockbuster trades. Mike Miller and Randy Foye to the Washington Wizards -Minnesota receives 5th overall pick, Etan Thomas, Darius Songaila, Oleksiy Pecherov -Washington receives Mike Miller, Randy Foye “I’m Ricky Rubio, I’m not like anybody else,” Rubio (selected 5th overall by Minnesota) stated in his post draft interview. Well, the kid definitely has flair. More substantially, he has the anticipation of Wayne Gretzky and the vision of Jason Kidd. Plus, he resembles Pistol Pete Maravich (I only said resembles). Then why did Washington trade away that pick? Gilbert Arenas is a scoring point guard; why not move him to shooting guard and let Ricky run the team? Sure, Gilbert would be undersized as a shooting guard, but Rubio would be 6’5” at the point position. Nonetheless, I am slighting neither Miller nor Foye, they’re legit players in this league. Couple them with Caron Butler, Antawn Jamison and a healthy Arenas and Brendan Haywood: That’s a nice little squad. Anyway, with reports from Marca.com stating that Ricky Rubio may stay in Spain for a few more years, the world is wondering, “Will You Be There,” Ricky? Jamal Crawford to the Atlanta Hawks -Golden State receives Acie Law, Speedy Claxton -Atlanta receives Jamal Crawford Don’t dismiss this trade. Jamal Crawford is “Bad.” Yes, he’s as inconsistent as it gets in professional sports. The guy can put up 52 one night and 2 the next. But he’s playing for an Atlanta team that’s already loaded with talent. Championship? Just Kidding. Big names possibly on the move -Amar’e Stoudemire, Rasheed Wallace, Tracy McGrady, Brandon Bass, Ricky Rubio, Zach Randolph, Mehmet Okur, David Lee, Ben Gordon Even after all the amiss in the day, those trades have to make you “Smile.” I’m getting the “Butterflies” just thinking about it all. Rather than starting with the specifics of the draft, I have opted to first display the humorous “Monkey Business” that occurred: Mark Jackson, who is usually excellent in his observations, gave his input on Blake Griffin. “This is a special player,” Jackson continued, “[who is] going to a great situation.” Really, Mark? I don’t think you’d feel that way if you were headed to the Detroit Lions of the NBA. Yea, great situation. And so is Iraq. Ricky Rubio. Projected by most analysts to go in the top three, didn’t go till five. Furthermore, two guards were selected above him (James Harden and Tyreke Evans). I naturally assume that analysts attributed so much hype to him, simply because they enjoy saying his name. Try it with me: If you roll the R’s, it’s really fun. Rrrrricky Rrrrrubio. I get it. Hell, I’d select him number one with that name. And that accent. That accent is just too much. I’m still laughing. “I’m Ricky Rubio, I’m not like anybody else.” “Is It Scary?” Yes, Blake Griffin’s purple shirt was scary. “Speechless.” Yes, I was when James Harden came out in a bow tie. C’mon dude, only Miami Heat Assistant Coach Keith Askins can pull that ensemble off. Tyler Hansbrough to the Indiana Pacers. Of course Larry Bird took a white dude. I haven’t seen a basketball team with that many white guys since the 1950’s. Keep piling on those high character, low talent players, Larry. That’s precisely what’s going to get your club out of financial woes. David Stern. What a Jew. (I can say that, I’m Jew.) The guy is never happy or satisfied. Yet when he announced the 23rd overall pick (Sacramento’s), his double chin quadrupled over. I’ve never seen The Stern so giddy. Why? Because Omri Casspi, an Israeli out of Maccabi Tel Aviv, was selected. If he makes Sacramento’s roster (which is pretty certain, considering 1st round selections have guaranteed contracts), then he will become the first Israeli born player in the league. Hey Jordan Farmar, you now have a buddy. With the 5th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. With the 6th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. With the 18th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. Yes, I’m aware they traded away Ty Lawson; still, that’s comedy. But this year’s Sports Complainer Award for Best Comedic Performance goes to Brandon Jennings (applaud). Reader, please tell me you witnessed what occurred with Mr. Jennings. This kid is out to lunch (he’s at dinner too.) His comedic genius surpasses Larry David, Don Rickles and Jack Benny (even though his drollery was actually unintentional). For those of you who were not fortunate enough to view such a spectacle, allow me to explain. When Milwaukee selected Jennings with the 10th overall pick, he was absent. ESPN then reported that Jennings would not attend the draft unless he was ensured to be a lottery pick. I’m assuming he received the news of his draft status; for when Phoenix selected Earl Clark with the 14th overall pick, Brandon Jennings magically appeared on the stage (No, he does not have any relation to Earl Clark or the Suns). Wait, it gets better. He then raised his arms in the air as if he had just knocked out Apollo Creed. You’ve got to love this kid. He does everything unorthodoxly: Went oversees instead of attending college, sported a High-Top Fade when it was clearly out of style, and for his grand finale, he was tardy on draft night. If his NBA career doesn’t pan out, he clearly has other options. Hilarity. Disorder. Grief. Wasn’t this night supposed to be about the young talent entering the league? It was. Keyword, was. Nevertheless, for The Sports Complainer’s full player analysis of the 2009 NBA Draft, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com/id19.html . “Will You Be There?” “We’ve Had Enough” of the NBA talk. Someone else deserves the coverage. The “Man In The Mirror,” The King of Pop, Michael Jackson. “You Are Not Alone” Michael, we will always remember your moves. We will always remember your music. And we will always remember you. He once sang, “gonna change the world.” Well Michael, you did. And you did it for the better. Tonight a legend has passed. And while Michael is “Gone Too Soon,” Legends never die. Legends never die. (Note: I watched Michael Jackson. I DVRed the NBA Draft.) In Memory of Michael Jackson (1958 – Forever) for more, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer

What did you watch: The NBA Draft or Michael Jackson? by Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer http://www.sportscomplainer.com written on 06/25/09 ----Like music to my ears: With the first pick in the 2009 NBA Draft… Love it. Feel it. The sensation that indicates a new wave of youth and talent and optimism is entering the league. But I couldn’t feel it. And I didn’t love it. What I felt, was the same thing I heard. The King (LeBron, please sit down). Michael Jackson. The King of Pop. Not just an iconic figure. The iconic figure. As big as Elvis and The Beatles. Surreally, tonight, The King has passed. We will always remember Michael for the good and only the good. And if you feel otherwise, stop reading my article. For this piece, along with the billions of other dedications across the globe, is in memory of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Sports. Okay. Let’s get to it, huh? But first, in your head, replay your favorite Michael Jackson song. And while you’re at it, stand up, and moonwalk. C’mon. Just do it, no one’s watching. “With the first pick in the 2009 NBA Draft, the Los Angeles Clippers select Blake Griffin,” David Stern stated during the commencement of ESPN’s coverage. And that was about as exciting as it got for this year’s draft. Superseded by the passing of The King; and more basketball appertaining, the major trades that transpired, the draft was anything but a “Thriller.” Before I plunge into the nitty-gritty of the selection process, let’s first reflect upon the legitimate NBA news. The blockbuster trades. Shaq to LeBron. Whoa. RJ to San Antonio. Whoa. Vinsanity to Superman. Whoa. Hold on a moment as I get my inhaler. Alright, I’m back. As I was just alluding to, these trades could be “Dangerous” for the rest of the league. Shaquille O’Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers -Phoenix receives Ben Wallace, Sasha Pavlovic, 2nd round pick in 2010, cash considerations -Cleveland receives Shaquille O’Neal Looks like The Big Leach has managed to attach himself to another superstar. Just recollect for a moment. Undoubtedly, the three best wing players in the league are Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James (yes, in that order). And two out of the three is obviously not sufficient enough for Shaquille. Thus, it’s no surprise that Shaq landed where he did. Championship? Not quite. Rather than acquiring better perimeter defenders, Cleveland went down another road. Not exactly the road well traveled, but the road over traveled. Shaq has more miles on him than South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s (we all know his pathetic story) frequent flyer card. That’s partially why (and money) the young and rebuilding Suns told Shaq to “Beat It.” Besides, Shaq is selfish, always has been, always will be. In his interview aired during the draft, Shaq declared that he’ll do anything to be “the first to five [championships].” Kobe! Duck! Shaq just took another shot at you. Clearly, Shaq will never get over his former lover. Selfish does not work in the NBA, just ask Allen Iverson (sorry A.I., you’re still in my Fav 5, I promise). Vince Carter to the Orlando Magic -New Jersey receives Courtney Lee, Rafer Alston, Tony Battie -Orlando receives Vince Carter, Ryan Anderson The Magic is clearly in win-now mode. They let a rising star in Courtney Lee escape. Not to mention, the wand behind the magic, Skip is gone. Yes, Jameer Nelson is still there, but Skip is the one who hopscotched them all the way to the Finals. Although, Vinsanity has his own magic to stir in Merlin’s pot. With all of Orlando’s perimeter talent, evidently, Carter does not need to be a primary option. So, Championship? Closer than Cleveland, but no. Hedo He Does Turkoglu, one of the most underrated and complete players in the league, has just opted out of his contract. And Orlando, due to the trade, does not have the salary cap flexibility to offer the kind of “Money” that he’s going to demand (and acquire elsewhere). After all that Hedo has done for the Magic, instead of saving cap space by not trading for Carter, GM Otis Smith has basically told Hedo to “Fly Away.” Richard Jefferson to the San Antonio Spurs -Milwaukee receives Bruce Bowen, Kurt Thomas -San Antonio receives Richard Jefferson - (Additionally, the Spurs sent Fabricio Oberto to the Pistons for Amir Johnson, who then went to the Bucks) Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, Richard Jefferson and Tim Duncan. Whoa. (Draftees: Jack McClinton, an under the radar Stephen Curry with even more grit and heart; and DeJuan Blair, a poor poor poor man’s Charles Barkley; but we’ll get to the draft a bit later.) Gregg Popovich must have told GM R.C. Buford, “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough.” They got enough. What other team has three legitimate penetrators who can finish and dish out? Unstoppable? Possibly. Championship? Indeed (quote me). Of course, health remains a question, but Pop will get them through the grueling NBA schedule with his pedigree, and with the manner in which he regulates minutes. While it’s tasteless and ungrateful that San Antonio just threw away the defensive soul in Bruce Bowen, overall, R.C. Buford looks like a “Smooth Criminal.” Whoa, huh? Major movement, huh? Now for some minor movement in which I call the honorable mention of the blockbuster trades. Mike Miller and Randy Foye to the Washington Wizards -Minnesota receives 5th overall pick, Etan Thomas, Darius Songaila, Oleksiy Pecherov -Washington receives Mike Miller, Randy Foye “I’m Ricky Rubio, I’m not like anybody else,” Rubio (selected 5th overall by Minnesota) stated in his post draft interview. Well, the kid definitely has flair. More substantially, he has the anticipation of Wayne Gretzky and the vision of Jason Kidd. Plus, he resembles Pistol Pete Maravich (I only said resembles). Then why did Washington trade away that pick? Gilbert Arenas is a scoring point guard; why not move him to shooting guard and let Ricky run the team? Sure, Gilbert would be undersized as a shooting guard, but Rubio would be 6’5” at the point position. Nonetheless, I am slighting neither Miller nor Foye, they’re legit players in this league. Couple them with Caron Butler, Antawn Jamison and a healthy Arenas and Brendan Haywood: That’s a nice little squad. Anyway, with reports from Marca.com stating that Ricky Rubio may stay in Spain for a few more years, the world is wondering, “Will You Be There,” Ricky? Jamal Crawford to the Atlanta Hawks -Golden State receives Acie Law, Speedy Claxton -Atlanta receives Jamal Crawford Don’t dismiss this trade. Jamal Crawford is “Bad.” Yes, he’s as inconsistent as it gets in professional sports. The guy can put up 52 one night and 2 the next. But he’s playing for an Atlanta team that’s already loaded with talent. Championship? Just Kidding. Big names possibly on the move -Amar’e Stoudemire, Rasheed Wallace, Tracy McGrady, Brandon Bass, Ricky Rubio, Zach Randolph, Mehmet Okur, David Lee, Ben Gordon Even after all the amiss in the day, those trades have to make you “Smile.” I’m getting the “Butterflies” just thinking about it all. Rather than starting with the specifics of the draft, I have opted to first display the humorous “Monkey Business” that occurred: Mark Jackson, who is usually excellent in his observations, gave his input on Blake Griffin. “This is a special player,” Jackson continued, “[who is] going to a great situation.” Really, Mark? I don’t think you’d feel that way if you were headed to the Detroit Lions of the NBA. Yea, great situation. And so is Iraq. Ricky Rubio. Projected by most analysts to go in the top three, didn’t go till five. Furthermore, two guards were selected above him (James Harden and Tyreke Evans). I naturally assume that analysts attributed so much hype to him, simply because they enjoy saying his name. Try it with me: If you roll the R’s, it’s really fun. Rrrrricky Rrrrrubio. I get it. Hell, I’d select him number one with that name. And that accent. That accent is just too much. I’m still laughing. “I’m Ricky Rubio, I’m not like anybody else.” “Is It Scary?” Yes, Blake Griffin’s purple shirt was scary. “Speechless.” Yes, I was when James Harden came out in a bow tie. C’mon dude, only Miami Heat Assistant Coach Keith Askins can pull that ensemble off. Tyler Hansbrough to the Indiana Pacers. Of course Larry Bird took a white dude. I haven’t seen a basketball team with that many white guys since the 1950’s. Keep piling on those high character, low talent players, Larry. That’s precisely what’s going to get your club out of financial woes. David Stern. What a Jew. (I can say that, I’m Jew.) The guy is never happy or satisfied. Yet when he announced the 23rd overall pick (Sacramento’s), his double chin quadrupled over. I’ve never seen The Stern so giddy. Why? Because Omri Casspi, an Israeli out of Maccabi Tel Aviv, was selected. If he makes Sacramento’s roster (which is pretty certain, considering 1st round selections have guaranteed contracts), then he will become the first Israeli born player in the league. Hey Jordan Farmar, you now have a buddy. With the 5th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. With the 6th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. With the 18th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. Yes, I’m aware they traded away Ty Lawson; still, that’s comedy. But this year’s Sports Complainer Award for Best Comedic Performance goes to Brandon Jennings (applaud). Reader, please tell me you witnessed what occurred with Mr. Jennings. This kid is out to lunch (he’s at dinner too.) His comedic genius surpasses Larry David, Don Rickles and Jack Benny (even though his drollery was actually unintentional). For those of you who were not fortunate enough to view such a spectacle, allow me to explain. When Milwaukee selected Jennings with the 10th overall pick, he was absent. ESPN then reported that Jennings would not attend the draft unless he was ensured to be a lottery pick. I’m assuming he received the news of his draft status; for when Phoenix selected Earl Clark with the 14th overall pick, Brandon Jennings magically appeared on the stage (No, he does not have any relation to Earl Clark or the Suns). Wait, it gets better. He then raised his arms in the air as if he had just knocked out Apollo Creed. You’ve got to love this kid. He does everything unorthodoxly: Went oversees instead of attending college, sported a High-Top Fade when it was clearly out of style, and for his grand finale, he was tardy on draft night. If his NBA career doesn’t pan out, he clearly has other options. Hilarity. Disorder. Grief. Wasn’t this night supposed to be about the young talent entering the league? It was. Keyword, was. Nevertheless, for The Sports Complainer’s full player analysis of the 2009 NBA Draft, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com/id19.html . “Will You Be There?” “We’ve Had Enough” of the NBA talk. Someone else deserves the coverage. The “Man In The Mirror,” The King of Pop, Michael Jackson. “You Are Not Alone” Michael, we will always remember your moves. We will always remember your music. And we will always remember you. He once sang, “gonna change the world.” Well Michael, you did. And you did it for the better. Tonight a legend has passed. And while Michael is “Gone Too Soon,” Legends never die. Legends never die. (Note: I watched Michael Jackson. I DVRed the NBA Draft.) In Memory of Michael Jackson (1958 – Forever) for more, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer

What did you watch: The NBA Draft or Michael Jackson? by Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer http://www.sportscomplainer.com written on 06/25/09 ----Like music to my ears: With the first pick in the 2009 NBA Draft… Love it. Feel it. The sensation that indicates a new wave of youth and talent and optimism is entering the league. But I couldn’t feel it. And I didn’t love it. What I felt, was the same thing I heard. The King (LeBron, please sit down). Michael Jackson. The King of Pop. Not just an iconic figure. The iconic figure. As big as Elvis and The Beatles. Surreally, tonight, The King has passed. We will always remember Michael for the good and only the good. And if you feel otherwise, stop reading my article. For this piece, along with the billions of other dedications across the globe, is in memory of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Sports. Okay. Let’s get to it, huh? But first, in your head, replay your favorite Michael Jackson song. And while you’re at it, stand up, and moonwalk. C’mon. Just do it, no one’s watching. “With the first pick in the 2009 NBA Draft, the Los Angeles Clippers select Blake Griffin,” David Stern stated during the commencement of ESPN’s coverage. And that was about as exciting as it got for this year’s draft. Superseded by the passing of The King; and more basketball appertaining, the major trades that transpired, the draft was anything but a “Thriller.” Before I plunge into the nitty-gritty of the selection process, let’s first reflect upon the legitimate NBA news. The blockbuster trades. Shaq to LeBron. Whoa. RJ to San Antonio. Whoa. Vinsanity to Superman. Whoa. Hold on a moment as I get my inhaler. Alright, I’m back. As I was just alluding to, these trades could be “Dangerous” for the rest of the league. Shaquille O’Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers -Phoenix receives Ben Wallace, Sasha Pavlovic, 2nd round pick in 2010, cash considerations -Cleveland receives Shaquille O’Neal Looks like The Big Leach has managed to attach himself to another superstar. Just recollect for a moment. Undoubtedly, the three best wing players in the league are Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James (yes, in that order). And two out of the three is obviously not sufficient enough for Shaquille. Thus, it’s no surprise that Shaq landed where he did. Championship? Not quite. Rather than acquiring better perimeter defenders, Cleveland went down another road. Not exactly the road well traveled, but the road over traveled. Shaq has more miles on him than South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s (we all know his pathetic story) frequent flyer card. That’s partially why (and money) the young and rebuilding Suns told Shaq to “Beat It.” Besides, Shaq is selfish, always has been, always will be. In his interview aired during the draft, Shaq declared that he’ll do anything to be “the first to five [championships].” Kobe! Duck! Shaq just took another shot at you. Clearly, Shaq will never get over his former lover. Selfish does not work in the NBA, just ask Allen Iverson (sorry A.I., you’re still in my Fav 5, I promise). Vince Carter to the Orlando Magic -New Jersey receives Courtney Lee, Rafer Alston, Tony Battie -Orlando receives Vince Carter, Ryan Anderson The Magic is clearly in win-now mode. They let a rising star in Courtney Lee escape. Not to mention, the wand behind the magic, Skip is gone. Yes, Jameer Nelson is still there, but Skip is the one who hopscotched them all the way to the Finals. Although, Vinsanity has his own magic to stir in Merlin’s pot. With all of Orlando’s perimeter talent, evidently, Carter does not need to be a primary option. So, Championship? Closer than Cleveland, but no. Hedo He Does Turkoglu, one of the most underrated and complete players in the league, has just opted out of his contract. And Orlando, due to the trade, does not have the salary cap flexibility to offer the kind of “Money” that he’s going to demand (and acquire elsewhere). After all that Hedo has done for the Magic, instead of saving cap space by not trading for Carter, GM Otis Smith has basically told Hedo to “Fly Away.” Richard Jefferson to the San Antonio Spurs -Milwaukee receives Bruce Bowen, Kurt Thomas -San Antonio receives Richard Jefferson - (Additionally, the Spurs sent Fabricio Oberto to the Pistons for Amir Johnson, who then went to the Bucks) Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, Richard Jefferson and Tim Duncan. Whoa. (Draftees: Jack McClinton, an under the radar Stephen Curry with even more grit and heart; and DeJuan Blair, a poor poor poor man’s Charles Barkley; but we’ll get to the draft a bit later.) Gregg Popovich must have told GM R.C. Buford, “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough.” They got enough. What other team has three legitimate penetrators who can finish and dish out? Unstoppable? Possibly. Championship? Indeed (quote me). Of course, health remains a question, but Pop will get them through the grueling NBA schedule with his pedigree, and with the manner in which he regulates minutes. While it’s tasteless and ungrateful that San Antonio just threw away the defensive soul in Bruce Bowen, overall, R.C. Buford looks like a “Smooth Criminal.” Whoa, huh? Major movement, huh? Now for some minor movement in which I call the honorable mention of the blockbuster trades. Mike Miller and Randy Foye to the Washington Wizards -Minnesota receives 5th overall pick, Etan Thomas, Darius Songaila, Oleksiy Pecherov -Washington receives Mike Miller, Randy Foye “I’m Ricky Rubio, I’m not like anybody else,” Rubio (selected 5th overall by Minnesota) stated in his post draft interview. Well, the kid definitely has flair. More substantially, he has the anticipation of Wayne Gretzky and the vision of Jason Kidd. Plus, he resembles Pistol Pete Maravich (I only said resembles). Then why did Washington trade away that pick? Gilbert Arenas is a scoring point guard; why not move him to shooting guard and let Ricky run the team? Sure, Gilbert would be undersized as a shooting guard, but Rubio would be 6’5” at the point position. Nonetheless, I am slighting neither Miller nor Foye, they’re legit players in this league. Couple them with Caron Butler, Antawn Jamison and a healthy Arenas and Brendan Haywood: That’s a nice little squad. Anyway, with reports from Marca.com stating that Ricky Rubio may stay in Spain for a few more years, the world is wondering, “Will You Be There,” Ricky? Jamal Crawford to the Atlanta Hawks -Golden State receives Acie Law, Speedy Claxton -Atlanta receives Jamal Crawford Don’t dismiss this trade. Jamal Crawford is “Bad.” Yes, he’s as inconsistent as it gets in professional sports. The guy can put up 52 one night and 2 the next. But he’s playing for an Atlanta team that’s already loaded with talent. Championship? Just Kidding. Big names possibly on the move -Amar’e Stoudemire, Rasheed Wallace, Tracy McGrady, Brandon Bass, Ricky Rubio, Zach Randolph, Mehmet Okur, David Lee, Ben Gordon Even after all the amiss in the day, those trades have to make you “Smile.” I’m getting the “Butterflies” just thinking about it all. Rather than starting with the specifics of the draft, I have opted to first display the humorous “Monkey Business” that occurred: Mark Jackson, who is usually excellent in his observations, gave his input on Blake Griffin. “This is a special player,” Jackson continued, “[who is] going to a great situation.” Really, Mark? I don’t think you’d feel that way if you were headed to the Detroit Lions of the NBA. Yea, great situation. And so is Iraq. Ricky Rubio. Projected by most analysts to go in the top three, didn’t go till five. Furthermore, two guards were selected above him (James Harden and Tyreke Evans). I naturally assume that analysts attributed so much hype to him, simply because they enjoy saying his name. Try it with me: If you roll the R’s, it’s really fun. Rrrrricky Rrrrrubio. I get it. Hell, I’d select him number one with that name. And that accent. That accent is just too much. I’m still laughing. “I’m Ricky Rubio, I’m not like anybody else.” “Is It Scary?” Yes, Blake Griffin’s purple shirt was scary. “Speechless.” Yes, I was when James Harden came out in a bow tie. C’mon dude, only Miami Heat Assistant Coach Keith Askins can pull that ensemble off. Tyler Hansbrough to the Indiana Pacers. Of course Larry Bird took a white dude. I haven’t seen a basketball team with that many white guys since the 1950’s. Keep piling on those high character, low talent players, Larry. That’s precisely what’s going to get your club out of financial woes. David Stern. What a Jew. (I can say that, I’m Jew.) The guy is never happy or satisfied. Yet when he announced the 23rd overall pick (Sacramento’s), his double chin quadrupled over. I’ve never seen The Stern so giddy. Why? Because Omri Casspi, an Israeli out of Maccabi Tel Aviv, was selected. If he makes Sacramento’s roster (which is pretty certain, considering 1st round selections have guaranteed contracts), then he will become the first Israeli born player in the league. Hey Jordan Farmar, you now have a buddy. With the 5th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. With the 6th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. With the 18th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. Yes, I’m aware they traded away Ty Lawson; still, that’s comedy. But this year’s Sports Complainer Award for Best Comedic Performance goes to Brandon Jennings (applaud). Reader, please tell me you witnessed what occurred with Mr. Jennings. This kid is out to lunch (he’s at dinner too.) His comedic genius surpasses Larry David, Don Rickles and Jack Benny (even though his drollery was actually unintentional). For those of you who were not fortunate enough to view such a spectacle, allow me to explain. When Milwaukee selected Jennings with the 10th overall pick, he was absent. ESPN then reported that Jennings would not attend the draft unless he was ensured to be a lottery pick. I’m assuming he received the news of his draft status; for when Phoenix selected Earl Clark with the 14th overall pick, Brandon Jennings magically appeared on the stage (No, he does not have any relation to Earl Clark or the Suns). Wait, it gets better. He then raised his arms in the air as if he had just knocked out Apollo Creed. You’ve got to love this kid. He does everything unorthodoxly: Went oversees instead of attending college, sported a High-Top Fade when it was clearly out of style, and for his grand finale, he was tardy on draft night. If his NBA career doesn’t pan out, he clearly has other options. Hilarity. Disorder. Grief. Wasn’t this night supposed to be about the young talent entering the league? It was. Keyword, was. Nevertheless, for The Sports Complainer’s full player analysis of the 2009 NBA Draft, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com/id19.html . “Will You Be There?” “We’ve Had Enough” of the NBA talk. Someone else deserves the coverage. The “Man In The Mirror,” The King of Pop, Michael Jackson. “You Are Not Alone” Michael, we will always remember your moves. We will always remember your music. And we will always remember you. He once sang, “gonna change the world.” Well Michael, you did. And you did it for the better. Tonight a legend has passed. And while Michael is “Gone Too Soon,” Legends never die. Legends never die. (Note: I watched Michael Jackson. I DVRed the NBA Draft.) In Memory of Michael Jackson (1958 – Forever) for more, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer

What did you watch: The NBA Draft or Michael Jackson? by Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer http://www.sportscomplainer.com written on 06/25/09 ----Like music to my ears: With the first pick in the 2009 NBA Draft… Love it. Feel it. The sensation that indicates a new wave of youth and talent and optimism is entering the league. But I couldn’t feel it. And I didn’t love it. What I felt, was the same thing I heard. The King (LeBron, please sit down). Michael Jackson. The King of Pop. Not just an iconic figure. The iconic figure. As big as Elvis and The Beatles. Surreally, tonight, The King has passed. We will always remember Michael for the good and only the good. And if you feel otherwise, stop reading my article. For this piece, along with the billions of other dedications across the globe, is in memory of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Sports. Okay. Let’s get to it, huh? But first, in your head, replay your favorite Michael Jackson song. And while you’re at it, stand up, and moonwalk. C’mon. Just do it, no one’s watching. “With the first pick in the 2009 NBA Draft, the Los Angeles Clippers select Blake Griffin,” David Stern stated during the commencement of ESPN’s coverage. And that was about as exciting as it got for this year’s draft. Superseded by the passing of The King; and more basketball appertaining, the major trades that transpired, the draft was anything but a “Thriller.” Before I plunge into the nitty-gritty of the selection process, let’s first reflect upon the legitimate NBA news. The blockbuster trades. Shaq to LeBron. Whoa. RJ to San Antonio. Whoa. Vinsanity to Superman. Whoa. Hold on a moment as I get my inhaler. Alright, I’m back. As I was just alluding to, these trades could be “Dangerous” for the rest of the league. Shaquille O’Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers -Phoenix receives Ben Wallace, Sasha Pavlovic, 2nd round pick in 2010, cash considerations -Cleveland receives Shaquille O’Neal Looks like The Big Leach has managed to attach himself to another superstar. Just recollect for a moment. Undoubtedly, the three best wing players in the league are Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James (yes, in that order). And two out of the three is obviously not sufficient enough for Shaquille. Thus, it’s no surprise that Shaq landed where he did. Championship? Not quite. Rather than acquiring better perimeter defenders, Cleveland went down another road. Not exactly the road well traveled, but the road over traveled. Shaq has more miles on him than South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s (we all know his pathetic story) frequent flyer card. That’s partially why (and money) the young and rebuilding Suns told Shaq to “Beat It.” Besides, Shaq is selfish, always has been, always will be. In his interview aired during the draft, Shaq declared that he’ll do anything to be “the first to five [championships].” Kobe! Duck! Shaq just took another shot at you. Clearly, Shaq will never get over his former lover. Selfish does not work in the NBA, just ask Allen Iverson (sorry A.I., you’re still in my Fav 5, I promise). Vince Carter to the Orlando Magic -New Jersey receives Courtney Lee, Rafer Alston, Tony Battie -Orlando receives Vince Carter, Ryan Anderson The Magic is clearly in win-now mode. They let a rising star in Courtney Lee escape. Not to mention, the wand behind the magic, Skip is gone. Yes, Jameer Nelson is still there, but Skip is the one who hopscotched them all the way to the Finals. Although, Vinsanity has his own magic to stir in Merlin’s pot. With all of Orlando’s perimeter talent, evidently, Carter does not need to be a primary option. So, Championship? Closer than Cleveland, but no. Hedo He Does Turkoglu, one of the most underrated and complete players in the league, has just opted out of his contract. And Orlando, due to the trade, does not have the salary cap flexibility to offer the kind of “Money” that he’s going to demand (and acquire elsewhere). After all that Hedo has done for the Magic, instead of saving cap space by not trading for Carter, GM Otis Smith has basically told Hedo to “Fly Away.” Richard Jefferson to the San Antonio Spurs -Milwaukee receives Bruce Bowen, Kurt Thomas -San Antonio receives Richard Jefferson - (Additionally, the Spurs sent Fabricio Oberto to the Pistons for Amir Johnson, who then went to the Bucks) Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, Richard Jefferson and Tim Duncan. Whoa. (Draftees: Jack McClinton, an under the radar Stephen Curry with even more grit and heart; and DeJuan Blair, a poor poor poor man’s Charles Barkley; but we’ll get to the draft a bit later.) Gregg Popovich must have told GM R.C. Buford, “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough.” They got enough. What other team has three legitimate penetrators who can finish and dish out? Unstoppable? Possibly. Championship? Indeed (quote me). Of course, health remains a question, but Pop will get them through the grueling NBA schedule with his pedigree, and with the manner in which he regulates minutes. While it’s tasteless and ungrateful that San Antonio just threw away the defensive soul in Bruce Bowen, overall, R.C. Buford looks like a “Smooth Criminal.” Whoa, huh? Major movement, huh? Now for some minor movement in which I call the honorable mention of the blockbuster trades. Mike Miller and Randy Foye to the Washington Wizards -Minnesota receives 5th overall pick, Etan Thomas, Darius Songaila, Oleksiy Pecherov -Washington receives Mike Miller, Randy Foye “I’m Ricky Rubio, I’m not like anybody else,” Rubio (selected 5th overall by Minnesota) stated in his post draft interview. Well, the kid definitely has flair. More substantially, he has the anticipation of Wayne Gretzky and the vision of Jason Kidd. Plus, he resembles Pistol Pete Maravich (I only said resembles). Then why did Washington trade away that pick? Gilbert Arenas is a scoring point guard; why not move him to shooting guard and let Ricky run the team? Sure, Gilbert would be undersized as a shooting guard, but Rubio would be 6’5” at the point position. Nonetheless, I am slighting neither Miller nor Foye, they’re legit players in this league. Couple them with Caron Butler, Antawn Jamison and a healthy Arenas and Brendan Haywood: That’s a nice little squad. Anyway, with reports from Marca.com stating that Ricky Rubio may stay in Spain for a few more years, the world is wondering, “Will You Be There,” Ricky? Jamal Crawford to the Atlanta Hawks -Golden State receives Acie Law, Speedy Claxton -Atlanta receives Jamal Crawford Don’t dismiss this trade. Jamal Crawford is “Bad.” Yes, he’s as inconsistent as it gets in professional sports. The guy can put up 52 one night and 2 the next. But he’s playing for an Atlanta team that’s already loaded with talent. Championship? Just Kidding. Big names possibly on the move -Amar’e Stoudemire, Rasheed Wallace, Tracy McGrady, Brandon Bass, Ricky Rubio, Zach Randolph, Mehmet Okur, David Lee, Ben Gordon Even after all the amiss in the day, those trades have to make you “Smile.” I’m getting the “Butterflies” just thinking about it all. Rather than starting with the specifics of the draft, I have opted to first display the humorous “Monkey Business” that occurred: Mark Jackson, who is usually excellent in his observations, gave his input on Blake Griffin. “This is a special player,” Jackson continued, “[who is] going to a great situation.” Really, Mark? I don’t think you’d feel that way if you were headed to the Detroit Lions of the NBA. Yea, great situation. And so is Iraq. Ricky Rubio. Projected by most analysts to go in the top three, didn’t go till five. Furthermore, two guards were selected above him (James Harden and Tyreke Evans). I naturally assume that analysts attributed so much hype to him, simply because they enjoy saying his name. Try it with me: If you roll the R’s, it’s really fun. Rrrrricky Rrrrrubio. I get it. Hell, I’d select him number one with that name. And that accent. That accent is just too much. I’m still laughing. “I’m Ricky Rubio, I’m not like anybody else.” “Is It Scary?” Yes, Blake Griffin’s purple shirt was scary. “Speechless.” Yes, I was when James Harden came out in a bow tie. C’mon dude, only Miami Heat Assistant Coach Keith Askins can pull that ensemble off. Tyler Hansbrough to the Indiana Pacers. Of course Larry Bird took a white dude. I haven’t seen a basketball team with that many white guys since the 1950’s. Keep piling on those high character, low talent players, Larry. That’s precisely what’s going to get your club out of financial woes. David Stern. What a Jew. (I can say that, I’m Jew.) The guy is never happy or satisfied. Yet when he announced the 23rd overall pick (Sacramento’s), his double chin quadrupled over. I’ve never seen The Stern so giddy. Why? Because Omri Casspi, an Israeli out of Maccabi Tel Aviv, was selected. If he makes Sacramento’s roster (which is pretty certain, considering 1st round selections have guaranteed contracts), then he will become the first Israeli born player in the league. Hey Jordan Farmar, you now have a buddy. With the 5th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. With the 6th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. With the 18th pick in the NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…a point guard. Yes, I’m aware they traded away Ty Lawson; still, that’s comedy. But this year’s Sports Complainer Award for Best Comedic Performance goes to Brandon Jennings (applaud). Reader, please tell me you witnessed what occurred with Mr. Jennings. This kid is out to lunch (he’s at dinner too.) His comedic genius surpasses Larry David, Don Rickles and Jack Benny (even though his drollery was actually unintentional). For those of you who were not fortunate enough to view such a spectacle, allow me to explain. When Milwaukee selected Jennings with the 10th overall pick, he was absent. ESPN then reported that Jennings would not attend the draft unless he was ensured to be a lottery pick. I’m assuming he received the news of his draft status; for when Phoenix selected Earl Clark with the 14th overall pick, Brandon Jennings magically appeared on the stage (No, he does not have any relation to Earl Clark or the Suns). Wait, it gets better. He then raised his arms in the air as if he had just knocked out Apollo Creed. You’ve got to love this kid. He does everything unorthodoxly: Went oversees instead of attending college, sported a High-Top Fade when it was clearly out of style, and for his grand finale, he was tardy on draft night. If his NBA career doesn’t pan out, he clearly has other options. Hilarity. Disorder. Grief. Wasn’t this night supposed to be about the young talent entering the league? It was. Keyword, was. Nevertheless, for The Sports Complainer’s full player analysis of the 2009 NBA Draft, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com/id19.html . “Will You Be There?” “We’ve Had Enough” of the NBA talk. Someone else deserves the coverage. The “Man In The Mirror,” The King of Pop, Michael Jackson. “You Are Not Alone” Michael, we will always remember your moves. We will always remember your music. And we will always remember you. He once sang, “gonna change the world.” Well Michael, you did. And you did it for the better. Tonight a legend has passed. And while Michael is “Gone Too Soon,” Legends never die. Legends never die. (Note: I watched Michael Jackson. I DVRed the NBA Draft.) In Memory of Michael Jackson (1958 – Forever) for more, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer

http://www.sportscomplainer.com Dear ESPN, you’re ruining sports by Zak Kertesz,The Sports Complainer written on 06/16/09 ----Plaxico Burress’ hearing is delayed. Donte’ Stallworth is sentenced to jail time. Ryan Leaf (Ryan Leaf?) is eluding the police. courtTV, right? Uh-uh. It’s the present day ESPN. (Note: courtTV is now truTV.) When Bill Rasmussen, the creator of ESPN, developed the idea in 1978, was his idea to televise scofflaws or sports? I cannot state for certain, but I naturally assume the “S” stands for the latter. ESPN calls themselves the leading destination for American convicts, I mean sports. So where’s the actual sports coverage? Sports aficionados don’t want to see the amiss in sports. They “witness” (No LeBron, I’m not talking about you) society’s turmoil everyday when they get out of bed. They don’t need more bedlam and they certainly don’t want it either. They want stats. They want scores. They want actual sporting events. We, as an aching nation, as a wounded world, want to see things like Michael Jordan’s game winner over Bryon Russell in the Finals. We want to see things like Kirk Gibson’s limp-off home run over Dennis Eckersley in the World Series. We want to see things like USA miraculously beating the Soviet’s in the 1980 Winter Olympics. (“Do you believe in miracles? Yes!” – Thanks Al Michaels) We want to see things that make our body succumb to horripilation (goose bumps). The joyous feeling that begins in our thoughts but travels to our hearts; the feeling that makes our eyes water and our speech stutter. That’s why we watch sports. That’s why we love sports. But what does ESPN give our nation, our world, instead? Scandals. Trials. Convictions. Imprisonments. All resulting in further defamation of our beloved sports. Understandably, it’s a slow time for sports, the summer, it always is. And I accept the fact that news is news and more significantly, this news does involve athletes. Fine ESPN. Put it out there. Remind us of how atrocious our civilization is. But please, oh please, not under the bleeping headlines of your website and not under the bleeping LEAD of your television station. Rather, install a section entitled: “we must make money” and place these journalistic necessities under such. Dear worldwide leader in sports, if you insist in altering the “S” in ESPN from sports to scofflaws, then here are some revisions that may assist in further developing your new image: Sportscenter to Convictcenter. Jim Rome is Burning to Jim Rome is in the Courthouse. Around the Horn to Around the Federal Penitentiary. Sounds pretty entertaining actually…but not, I repeat not, for a sports network. Dude, head CEO man (I refuse to waste my efforts in researching your name or title), change it up. At precisely 12:32 pm on Tuesday, June 16, 2009: ESPN offered courtTV-esque stories as five of its top six headlines (on their website). And the singular headline that differentiates itself from the rest: Brett Favre (but with all of his deception and betrayal, he fits the bill). At least you’re consistent, ESPN. Shall we go through the headlines one by one? We shall: (Reminder: This is just in one day. ESPN perpetually does this.) 1. “Stallworth gets 30 days in jail in DUI fatality” 2. (The Lying Wrangler) 3. “Leaf faces Thursday deadline to turn himself in” 4. “NASCAR says Mayfield expert lied about degree” 5. “Phelps gets first endorsement since scandal” 6. “Burress hearing delayed to Sept. 23” Get it? Got it? Good. Because I don’t get it. Ryan Leaf? Really? My youngest brother’s JV summer basketball practices are more relevant. At least he plays. Poor Michael Phelps. ESPN, Do you really need to continue to bring the kid down? So, he smoked pot. George Washington used to grow fields upon fields of it. Plaxico Burress shot himself. He shot himself. That should be on Comedy Central, not ESPN. Indeed, as I previously confirmed, ESPN, the supposed worldwide leader in sports, does have the journalistic responsibility to entertain these topics. But not as main headlines. Italy rallies to defeat U.S. by a score of 3-1 in the FIFA Confederations Cup; As New Jersey-born (traitor) Giuseppe Rossi scores two goals. Manny Pacquiao (49-3) (the Philippine Elvis, who is singlehandedly bringing back the sport of boxing) is set to fight Miguel Cotto (34-1) (who is coming off a split-decision victory over Joshua Clottey (35-3)) on November 14 in Las Vegas. Now those are headlines. True sports headlines. And if those are not to your liking, ESPN, then provide MLB scores and MLS scores and NASCAR standings and Tennis rankings as your headlines. Yes, ESPN does acknowledge such information, although assigns them to purgatory deeply within the confines of the cyber underworld; rather than accrediting them to, oh I don’t know, the headlines! C’mon, ESPN? Don’t you have anyone, anyone within your staff who could figure all this out? Thanks to The Sports Complainer, you now know this. People who watch ESPN are sports fans, not court fans. If they were, they’d tune in to Judge Judy. And granted, some individuals do enjoy the drama, but that’s what E! is for. ESPN and accompanying suits, you are ruining sports. Please, I’m asking you nicely to stop slaying what our world loves. Our society watches sports to forget about the disorderly distress that life brings forth. To forget about the pink slips and the shrinking paychecks (economy). To forget about the right-wing crazies and the suicide bombers (terrorism). To forget about the continuously escalating fuel prices (energy crisis). To forget about the insane world leaders with powerful toys (nuclear threats). They tune in to clear their minds of such pandemonium, not to convolute their minds with more brouhaha, especially irrelevant brouhaha. Open your eyes ESPN, realize this. Realize that this society follows sports with their hearts, with their souls, with an expectation that sports will make them feel better about the world around them. And ESPN, you’re ruining that. You really are. for more, or to reach zak kertesz, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com

http://www.sportscomplainer.com Dear ESPN, you’re ruining sports by Zak Kertesz,The Sports Complainer written on 06/16/09 ----Plaxico Burress’ hearing is delayed. Donte’ Stallworth is sentenced to jail time. Ryan Leaf (Ryan Leaf?) is eluding the police. courtTV, right? Uh-uh. It’s the present day ESPN. (Note: courtTV is now truTV.) When Bill Rasmussen, the creator of ESPN, developed the idea in 1978, was his idea to televise scofflaws or sports? I cannot state for certain, but I naturally assume the “S” stands for the latter. ESPN calls themselves the leading destination for American convicts, I mean sports. So where’s the actual sports coverage? Sports aficionados don’t want to see the amiss in sports. They “witness” (No LeBron, I’m not talking about you) society’s turmoil everyday when they get out of bed. They don’t need more bedlam and they certainly don’t want it either. They want stats. They want scores. They want actual sporting events. We, as an aching nation, as a wounded world, want to see things like Michael Jordan’s game winner over Bryon Russell in the Finals. We want to see things like Kirk Gibson’s limp-off home run over Dennis Eckersley in the World Series. We want to see things like USA miraculously beating the Soviet’s in the 1980 Winter Olympics. (“Do you believe in miracles? Yes!” – Thanks Al Michaels) We want to see things that make our body succumb to horripilation (goose bumps). The joyous feeling that begins in our thoughts but travels to our hearts; the feeling that makes our eyes water and our speech stutter. That’s why we watch sports. That’s why we love sports. But what does ESPN give our nation, our world, instead? Scandals. Trials. Convictions. Imprisonments. All resulting in further defamation of our beloved sports. Understandably, it’s a slow time for sports, the summer, it always is. And I accept the fact that news is news and more significantly, this news does involve athletes. Fine ESPN. Put it out there. Remind us of how atrocious our civilization is. But please, oh please, not under the bleeping headlines of your website and not under the bleeping LEAD of your television station. Rather, install a section entitled: “we must make money” and place these journalistic necessities under such. Dear worldwide leader in sports, if you insist in altering the “S” in ESPN from sports to scofflaws, then here are some revisions that may assist in further developing your new image: Sportscenter to Convictcenter. Jim Rome is Burning to Jim Rome is in the Courthouse. Around the Horn to Around the Federal Penitentiary. Sounds pretty entertaining actually…but not, I repeat not, for a sports network. Dude, head CEO man (I refuse to waste my efforts in researching your name or title), change it up. At precisely 12:32 pm on Tuesday, June 16, 2009: ESPN offered courtTV-esque stories as five of its top six headlines (on their website). And the singular headline that differentiates itself from the rest: Brett Favre (but with all of his deception and betrayal, he fits the bill). At least you’re consistent, ESPN. Shall we go through the headlines one by one? We shall: (Reminder: This is just in one day. ESPN perpetually does this.) 1. “Stallworth gets 30 days in jail in DUI fatality” 2. (The Lying Wrangler) 3. “Leaf faces Thursday deadline to turn himself in” 4. “NASCAR says Mayfield expert lied about degree” 5. “Phelps gets first endorsement since scandal” 6. “Burress hearing delayed to Sept. 23” Get it? Got it? Good. Because I don’t get it. Ryan Leaf? Really? My youngest brother’s JV summer basketball practices are more relevant. At least he plays. Poor Michael Phelps. ESPN, Do you really need to continue to bring the kid down? So, he smoked pot. George Washington used to grow fields upon fields of it. Plaxico Burress shot himself. He shot himself. That should be on Comedy Central, not ESPN. Indeed, as I previously confirmed, ESPN, the supposed worldwide leader in sports, does have the journalistic responsibility to entertain these topics. But not as main headlines. Italy rallies to defeat U.S. by a score of 3-1 in the FIFA Confederations Cup; As New Jersey-born (traitor) Giuseppe Rossi scores two goals. Manny Pacquiao (49-3) (the Philippine Elvis, who is singlehandedly bringing back the sport of boxing) is set to fight Miguel Cotto (34-1) (who is coming off a split-decision victory over Joshua Clottey (35-3)) on November 14 in Las Vegas. Now those are headlines. True sports headlines. And if those are not to your liking, ESPN, then provide MLB scores and MLS scores and NASCAR standings and Tennis rankings as your headlines. Yes, ESPN does acknowledge such information, although assigns them to purgatory deeply within the confines of the cyber underworld; rather than accrediting them to, oh I don’t know, the headlines! C’mon, ESPN? Don’t you have anyone, anyone within your staff who could figure all this out? Thanks to The Sports Complainer, you now know this. People who watch ESPN are sports fans, not court fans. If they were, they’d tune in to Judge Judy. And granted, some individuals do enjoy the drama, but that’s what E! is for. ESPN and accompanying suits, you are ruining sports. Please, I’m asking you nicely to stop slaying what our world loves. Our society watches sports to forget about the disorderly distress that life brings forth. To forget about the pink slips and the shrinking paychecks (economy). To forget about the right-wing crazies and the suicide bombers (terrorism). To forget about the continuously escalating fuel prices (energy crisis). To forget about the insane world leaders with powerful toys (nuclear threats). They tune in to clear their minds of such pandemonium, not to convolute their minds with more brouhaha, especially irrelevant brouhaha. Open your eyes ESPN, realize this. Realize that this society follows sports with their hearts, with their souls, with an expectation that sports will make them feel better about the world around them. And ESPN, you’re ruining that. You really are. for more, or to reach zak kertesz, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com

http://www.sportscomplainer.com Dear ESPN, you’re ruining sports by Zak Kertesz,The Sports Complainer written on 06/16/09 ----Plaxico Burress’ hearing is delayed. Donte’ Stallworth is sentenced to jail time. Ryan Leaf (Ryan Leaf?) is eluding the police. courtTV, right? Uh-uh. It’s the present day ESPN. (Note: courtTV is now truTV.) When Bill Rasmussen, the creator of ESPN, developed the idea in 1978, was his idea to televise scofflaws or sports? I cannot state for certain, but I naturally assume the “S” stands for the latter. ESPN calls themselves the leading destination for American convicts, I mean sports. So where’s the actual sports coverage? Sports aficionados don’t want to see the amiss in sports. They “witness” (No LeBron, I’m not talking about you) society’s turmoil everyday when they get out of bed. They don’t need more bedlam and they certainly don’t want it either. They want stats. They want scores. They want actual sporting events. We, as an aching nation, as a wounded world, want to see things like Michael Jordan’s game winner over Bryon Russell in the Finals. We want to see things like Kirk Gibson’s limp-off home run over Dennis Eckersley in the World Series. We want to see things like USA miraculously beating the Soviet’s in the 1980 Winter Olympics. (“Do you believe in miracles? Yes!” – Thanks Al Michaels) We want to see things that make our body succumb to horripilation (goose bumps). The joyous feeling that begins in our thoughts but travels to our hearts; the feeling that makes our eyes water and our speech stutter. That’s why we watch sports. That’s why we love sports. But what does ESPN give our nation, our world, instead? Scandals. Trials. Convictions. Imprisonments. All resulting in further defamation of our beloved sports. Understandably, it’s a slow time for sports, the summer, it always is. And I accept the fact that news is news and more significantly, this news does involve athletes. Fine ESPN. Put it out there. Remind us of how atrocious our civilization is. But please, oh please, not under the bleeping headlines of your website and not under the bleeping LEAD of your television station. Rather, install a section entitled: “we must make money” and place these journalistic necessities under such. Dear worldwide leader in sports, if you insist in altering the “S” in ESPN from sports to scofflaws, then here are some revisions that may assist in further developing your new image: Sportscenter to Convictcenter. Jim Rome is Burning to Jim Rome is in the Courthouse. Around the Horn to Around the Federal Penitentiary. Sounds pretty entertaining actually…but not, I repeat not, for a sports network. Dude, head CEO man (I refuse to waste my efforts in researching your name or title), change it up. At precisely 12:32 pm on Tuesday, June 16, 2009: ESPN offered courtTV-esque stories as five of its top six headlines (on their website). And the singular headline that differentiates itself from the rest: Brett Favre (but with all of his deception and betrayal, he fits the bill). At least you’re consistent, ESPN. Shall we go through the headlines one by one? We shall: (Reminder: This is just in one day. ESPN perpetually does this.) 1. “Stallworth gets 30 days in jail in DUI fatality” 2. (The Lying Wrangler) 3. “Leaf faces Thursday deadline to turn himself in” 4. “NASCAR says Mayfield expert lied about degree” 5. “Phelps gets first endorsement since scandal” 6. “Burress hearing delayed to Sept. 23” Get it? Got it? Good. Because I don’t get it. Ryan Leaf? Really? My youngest brother’s JV summer basketball practices are more relevant. At least he plays. Poor Michael Phelps. ESPN, Do you really need to continue to bring the kid down? So, he smoked pot. George Washington used to grow fields upon fields of it. Plaxico Burress shot himself. He shot himself. That should be on Comedy Central, not ESPN. Indeed, as I previously confirmed, ESPN, the supposed worldwide leader in sports, does have the journalistic responsibility to entertain these topics. But not as main headlines. Italy rallies to defeat U.S. by a score of 3-1 in the FIFA Confederations Cup; As New Jersey-born (traitor) Giuseppe Rossi scores two goals. Manny Pacquiao (49-3) (the Philippine Elvis, who is singlehandedly bringing back the sport of boxing) is set to fight Miguel Cotto (34-1) (who is coming off a split-decision victory over Joshua Clottey (35-3)) on November 14 in Las Vegas. Now those are headlines. True sports headlines. And if those are not to your liking, ESPN, then provide MLB scores and MLS scores and NASCAR standings and Tennis rankings as your headlines. Yes, ESPN does acknowledge such information, although assigns them to purgatory deeply within the confines of the cyber underworld; rather than accrediting them to, oh I don’t know, the headlines! C’mon, ESPN? Don’t you have anyone, anyone within your staff who could figure all this out? Thanks to The Sports Complainer, you now know this. People who watch ESPN are sports fans, not court fans. If they were, they’d tune in to Judge Judy. And granted, some individuals do enjoy the drama, but that’s what E! is for. ESPN and accompanying suits, you are ruining sports. Please, I’m asking you nicely to stop slaying what our world loves. Our society watches sports to forget about the disorderly distress that life brings forth. To forget about the pink slips and the shrinking paychecks (economy). To forget about the right-wing crazies and the suicide bombers (terrorism). To forget about the continuously escalating fuel prices (energy crisis). To forget about the insane world leaders with powerful toys (nuclear threats). They tune in to clear their minds of such pandemonium, not to convolute their minds with more brouhaha, especially irrelevant brouhaha. Open your eyes ESPN, realize this. Realize that this society follows sports with their hearts, with their souls, with an expectation that sports will make them feel better about the world around them. And ESPN, you’re ruining that. You really are. for more, or to reach zak kertesz, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com

http://www.sportscomplainer.com Dear ESPN, you’re ruining sports by Zak Kertesz,The Sports Complainer written on 06/16/09 ----Plaxico Burress’ hearing is delayed. Donte’ Stallworth is sentenced to jail time. Ryan Leaf (Ryan Leaf?) is eluding the police. courtTV, right? Uh-uh. It’s the present day ESPN. (Note: courtTV is now truTV.) When Bill Rasmussen, the creator of ESPN, developed the idea in 1978, was his idea to televise scofflaws or sports? I cannot state for certain, but I naturally assume the “S” stands for the latter. ESPN calls themselves the leading destination for American convicts, I mean sports. So where’s the actual sports coverage? Sports aficionados don’t want to see the amiss in sports. They “witness” (No LeBron, I’m not talking about you) society’s turmoil everyday when they get out of bed. They don’t need more bedlam and they certainly don’t want it either. They want stats. They want scores. They want actual sporting events. We, as an aching nation, as a wounded world, want to see things like Michael Jordan’s game winner over Bryon Russell in the Finals. We want to see things like Kirk Gibson’s limp-off home run over Dennis Eckersley in the World Series. We want to see things like USA miraculously beating the Soviet’s in the 1980 Winter Olympics. (“Do you believe in miracles? Yes!” – Thanks Al Michaels) We want to see things that make our body succumb to horripilation (goose bumps). The joyous feeling that begins in our thoughts but travels to our hearts; the feeling that makes our eyes water and our speech stutter. That’s why we watch sports. That’s why we love sports. But what does ESPN give our nation, our world, instead? Scandals. Trials. Convictions. Imprisonments. All resulting in further defamation of our beloved sports. Understandably, it’s a slow time for sports, the summer, it always is. And I accept the fact that news is news and more significantly, this news does involve athletes. Fine ESPN. Put it out there. Remind us of how atrocious our civilization is. But please, oh please, not under the bleeping headlines of your website and not under the bleeping LEAD of your television station. Rather, install a section entitled: “we must make money” and place these journalistic necessities under such. Dear worldwide leader in sports, if you insist in altering the “S” in ESPN from sports to scofflaws, then here are some revisions that may assist in further developing your new image: Sportscenter to Convictcenter. Jim Rome is Burning to Jim Rome is in the Courthouse. Around the Horn to Around the Federal Penitentiary. Sounds pretty entertaining actually…but not, I repeat not, for a sports network. Dude, head CEO man (I refuse to waste my efforts in researching your name or title), change it up. At precisely 12:32 pm on Tuesday, June 16, 2009: ESPN offered courtTV-esque stories as five of its top six headlines (on their website). And the singular headline that differentiates itself from the rest: Brett Favre (but with all of his deception and betrayal, he fits the bill). At least you’re consistent, ESPN. Shall we go through the headlines one by one? We shall: (Reminder: This is just in one day. ESPN perpetually does this.) 1. “Stallworth gets 30 days in jail in DUI fatality” 2. (The Lying Wrangler) 3. “Leaf faces Thursday deadline to turn himself in” 4. “NASCAR says Mayfield expert lied about degree” 5. “Phelps gets first endorsement since scandal” 6. “Burress hearing delayed to Sept. 23” Get it? Got it? Good. Because I don’t get it. Ryan Leaf? Really? My youngest brother’s JV summer basketball practices are more relevant. At least he plays. Poor Michael Phelps. ESPN, Do you really need to continue to bring the kid down? So, he smoked pot. George Washington used to grow fields upon fields of it. Plaxico Burress shot himself. He shot himself. That should be on Comedy Central, not ESPN. Indeed, as I previously confirmed, ESPN, the supposed worldwide leader in sports, does have the journalistic responsibility to entertain these topics. But not as main headlines. Italy rallies to defeat U.S. by a score of 3-1 in the FIFA Confederations Cup; As New Jersey-born (traitor) Giuseppe Rossi scores two goals. Manny Pacquiao (49-3) (the Philippine Elvis, who is singlehandedly bringing back the sport of boxing) is set to fight Miguel Cotto (34-1) (who is coming off a split-decision victory over Joshua Clottey (35-3)) on November 14 in Las Vegas. Now those are headlines. True sports headlines. And if those are not to your liking, ESPN, then provide MLB scores and MLS scores and NASCAR standings and Tennis rankings as your headlines. Yes, ESPN does acknowledge such information, although assigns them to purgatory deeply within the confines of the cyber underworld; rather than accrediting them to, oh I don’t know, the headlines! C’mon, ESPN? Don’t you have anyone, anyone within your staff who could figure all this out? Thanks to The Sports Complainer, you now know this. People who watch ESPN are sports fans, not court fans. If they were, they’d tune in to Judge Judy. And granted, some individuals do enjoy the drama, but that’s what E! is for. ESPN and accompanying suits, you are ruining sports. Please, I’m asking you nicely to stop slaying what our world loves. Our society watches sports to forget about the disorderly distress that life brings forth. To forget about the pink slips and the shrinking paychecks (economy). To forget about the right-wing crazies and the suicide bombers (terrorism). To forget about the continuously escalating fuel prices (energy crisis). To forget about the insane world leaders with powerful toys (nuclear threats). They tune in to clear their minds of such pandemonium, not to convolute their minds with more brouhaha, especially irrelevant brouhaha. Open your eyes ESPN, realize this. Realize that this society follows sports with their hearts, with their souls, with an expectation that sports will make them feel better about the world around them. And ESPN, you’re ruining that. You really are. for more, or to reach zak kertesz, go to: http://www.sportscomplainer.com

Dear ESPN, you’re ruining sports by Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer written on 06/16/09 http://www.sportscomplainer.com ----Plaxico Burress’ hearing is delayed. Donte’ Stallworth is sentenced to jail time. Ryan Leaf (Ryan Leaf?) is eluding the police. courtTV, right? Uh-uh. It’s the present day ESPN. (Note: courtTV is now truTV.) When Bill Rasmussen, the creator of ESPN, developed the idea in 1978, was his idea to televise scofflaws or sports? I cannot state for certain, but I naturally assume the “S” stands for the latter. ESPN calls themselves the leading destination for American convicts, I mean sports. So where’s the actual sports coverage? Sports aficionados don’t want to see the amiss in sports. They “witness” (No LeBron, I’m not talking about you) society’s turmoil everyday when they get out of bed. They don’t need more bedlam and they certainly don’t want it either. They want stats. They want scores. They want actual sporting events. We, as an aching nation, as a wounded world, want to see things like Michael Jordan’s game winner over Bryon Russell in the Finals. We want to see things like Kirk Gibson’s limp-off home run over Dennis Eckersley in the World Series. We want to see things like USA miraculously beating the Soviet’s in the 1980 Winter Olympics. (“Do you believe in miracles? Yes!” – Thanks Al Michaels) We want to see things that make our body succumb to horripilation (goose bumps). The joyous feeling that begins in our thoughts but travels to our hearts; the feeling that makes our eyes water and our speech stutter. That’s why we watch sports. That’s why we love sports. But what does ESPN give our nation, our world, instead? Scandals. Trials. Convictions. Imprisonments. All resulting in further defamation of our beloved sports. Understandably, it’s a slow time for sports, the summer, it always is. And I accept the fact that news is news and more significantly, this news does involve athletes. Fine ESPN. Put it out there. Remind us of how atrocious our civilization is. But please, oh please, not under the bleeping headlines of your website and not under the bleeping LEAD of your television station. Rather, install a section entitled: “we must make money” and place these journalistic necessities under such. Dear worldwide leader in sports, if you insist in altering the “S” in ESPN from sports to scofflaws, then here are some revisions that may assist in further developing your new image: Sportscenter to Convictcenter. Jim Rome is Burning to Jim Rome is in the Courthouse. Around the Horn to Around the Federal Penitentiary. Sounds pretty entertaining actually…but not, I repeat not, for a sports network. Dude, head CEO man (I refuse to waste my efforts in researching your name or title), change it up. At precisely 12:32 pm on Tuesday, June 16, 2009: ESPN offered courtTV-esque stories as five of its top six headlines (on their website). And the singular headline that differentiates itself from the rest: Brett Favre (but with all of his deception and betrayal, he fits the bill). At least your consistent, ESPN. Shall we go through the headlines one by one? We shall: (Reminder: This is just in one day. ESPN perpetually does this.) 1. “Stallworth gets 30 days in jail in DUI fatality” 2. (The Lying Wrangler) 3. “Leaf faces Thursday deadline to turn himself in” 4. “NASCAR says Mayfield expert lied about degree” 5. “Phelps gets first endorsement since scandal” 6. “Burress hearing delayed to Sept. 23” Get it? Got it? Good. Because I don’t get it. Ryan Leaf? Really? My youngest brother’s JV summer basketball practices are more relevant. At least he plays. Poor Michael Phelps. ESPN, Do you really need to continue to bring the kid down? So, he smoked pot. George Washington used to grow fields upon fields of it. Plaxico Burress shot himself. He shot himself. That should be on Comedy Central, not ESPN. Indeed, as I previously confirmed, ESPN, the supposed worldwide leader in sports, does have the journalistic responsibility to entertain these topics. But not as main headlines. Italy rallies to defeat U.S. by a score of 3-1 in the FIFA Confederations Cup; As New Jersey-born (traitor) Giuseppe Rossi scores two goals. Manny Pacquiao (49-3) (the Philippine Elvis, who is singlehandedly bringing back the sport of boxing) is set to fight Miguel Cotto (34-1) (who is coming off a split-decision victory over Joshua Clottey (35-3)) on November 14 in Las Vegas. Now those are headlines. True sports headlines. And if those are not to your liking, ESPN, then provide MLB scores and MLS scores and NASCAR standings and Tennis rankings as your headlines. Yes, ESPN does acknowledge such information, although assigns them to purgatory deeply within the confines of the cyber underworld; rather than accrediting them to, oh I don’t know, the headlines! C’mon, ESPN? Don’t you have anyone, anyone within your staff who could figure all this out? Thanks to The Sports Complainer, you now know this. People who watch ESPN are sports fans, not court fans. If they were, they’d tune in to Judge Judy. And granted, some individuals do enjoy the drama, but that’s what E! is for. ESPN and accompanying suits, you are ruining sports. Please, I’m asking you nicely to stop slaying what our world loves. Our society watches sports to forget about the disorderly distress that life brings forth. To forget about the pink slips and the shrinking paychecks (economy). To forget about the right-wing crazies and the suicide bombers (terrorism). To forget about the continuously escalating fuel prices (energy crisis). To forget about the insane world leaders with powerful toys (nuclear threats). They tune in to clear their minds of such pandemonium, not to convolute their minds with more brouhaha, especially irrelevant brouhaha. Open your eyes ESPN, realize this. Realize that this society follows sports with their hearts, with their souls, with an expectation that sports will make them feel better about the world around them. And ESPN, you’re ruining that. You really are. the sportscomplainer can be reached at: http://www.sportscomplainer.com

Dear ESPN, you’re ruining sports by Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer written on 06/16/09 http://www.sportscomplainer.com ----Plaxico Burress’ hearing is delayed. Donte’ Stallworth is sentenced to jail time. Ryan Leaf (Ryan Leaf?) is eluding the police. courtTV, right? Uh-uh. It’s the present day ESPN. (Note: courtTV is now truTV.) When Bill Rasmussen, the creator of ESPN, developed the idea in 1978, was his idea to televise scofflaws or sports? I cannot state for certain, but I naturally assume the “S” stands for the latter. ESPN calls themselves the leading destination for American convicts, I mean sports. So where’s the actual sports coverage? Sports aficionados don’t want to see the amiss in sports. They “witness” (No LeBron, I’m not talking about you) society’s turmoil everyday when they get out of bed. They don’t need more bedlam and they certainly don’t want it either. They want stats. They want scores. They want actual sporting events. We, as an aching nation, as a wounded world, want to see things like Michael Jordan’s game winner over Bryon Russell in the Finals. We want to see things like Kirk Gibson’s limp-off home run over Dennis Eckersley in the World Series. We want to see things like USA miraculously beating the Soviet’s in the 1980 Winter Olympics. (“Do you believe in miracles? Yes!” – Thanks Al Michaels) We want to see things that make our body succumb to horripilation (goose bumps). The joyous feeling that begins in our thoughts but travels to our hearts; the feeling that makes our eyes water and our speech stutter. That’s why we watch sports. That’s why we love sports. But what does ESPN give our nation, our world, instead? Scandals. Trials. Convictions. Imprisonments. All resulting in further defamation of our beloved sports. Understandably, it’s a slow time for sports, the summer, it always is. And I accept the fact that news is news and more significantly, this news does involve athletes. Fine ESPN. Put it out there. Remind us of how atrocious our civilization is. But please, oh please, not under the bleeping headlines of your website and not under the bleeping LEAD of your television station. Rather, install a section entitled: “we must make money” and place these journalistic necessities under such. Dear worldwide leader in sports, if you insist in altering the “S” in ESPN from sports to scofflaws, then here are some revisions that may assist in further developing your new image: Sportscenter to Convictcenter. Jim Rome is Burning to Jim Rome is in the Courthouse. Around the Horn to Around the Federal Penitentiary. Sounds pretty entertaining actually…but not, I repeat not, for a sports network. Dude, head CEO man (I refuse to waste my efforts in researching your name or title), change it up. At precisely 12:32 pm on Tuesday, June 16, 2009: ESPN offered courtTV-esque stories as five of its top six headlines (on their website). And the singular headline that differentiates itself from the rest: Brett Favre (but with all of his deception and betrayal, he fits the bill). At least your consistent, ESPN. Shall we go through the headlines one by one? We shall: (Reminder: This is just in one day. ESPN perpetually does this.) 1. “Stallworth gets 30 days in jail in DUI fatality” 2. (The Lying Wrangler) 3. “Leaf faces Thursday deadline to turn himself in” 4. “NASCAR says Mayfield expert lied about degree” 5. “Phelps gets first endorsement since scandal” 6. “Burress hearing delayed to Sept. 23” Get it? Got it? Good. Because I don’t get it. Ryan Leaf? Really? My youngest brother’s JV summer basketball practices are more relevant. At least he plays. Poor Michael Phelps. ESPN, Do you really need to continue to bring the kid down? So, he smoked pot. George Washington used to grow fields upon fields of it. Plaxico Burress shot himself. He shot himself. That should be on Comedy Central, not ESPN. Indeed, as I previously confirmed, ESPN, the supposed worldwide leader in sports, does have the journalistic responsibility to entertain these topics. But not as main headlines. Italy rallies to defeat U.S. by a score of 3-1 in the FIFA Confederations Cup; As New Jersey-born (traitor) Giuseppe Rossi scores two goals. Manny Pacquiao (49-3) (the Philippine Elvis, who is singlehandedly bringing back the sport of boxing) is set to fight Miguel Cotto (34-1) (who is coming off a split-decision victory over Joshua Clottey (35-3)) on November 14 in Las Vegas. Now those are headlines. True sports headlines. And if those are not to your liking, ESPN, then provide MLB scores and MLS scores and NASCAR standings and Tennis rankings as your headlines. Yes, ESPN does acknowledge such information, although assigns them to purgatory deeply within the confines of the cyber underworld; rather than accrediting them to, oh I don’t know, the headlines! C’mon, ESPN? Don’t you have anyone, anyone within your staff who could figure all this out? Thanks to The Sports Complainer, you now know this. People who watch ESPN are sports fans, not court fans. If they were, they’d tune in to Judge Judy. And granted, some individuals do enjoy the drama, but that’s what E! is for. ESPN and accompanying suits, you are ruining sports. Please, I’m asking you nicely to stop slaying what our world loves. Our society watches sports to forget about the disorderly distress that life brings forth. To forget about the pink slips and the shrinking paychecks (economy). To forget about the right-wing crazies and the suicide bombers (terrorism). To forget about the continuously escalating fuel prices (energy crisis). To forget about the insane world leaders with powerful toys (nuclear threats). They tune in to clear their minds of such pandemonium, not to convolute their minds with more brouhaha, especially irrelevant brouhaha. Open your eyes ESPN, realize this. Realize that this society follows sports with their hearts, with their souls, with an expectation that sports will make them feel better about the world around them. And ESPN, you’re ruining that. You really are. the sports complainer can be reached at: http://www.sportscomplainer.com

Zak Kertesz can be reached at http://www.sportscomplainer.com

Zak Kertesz can be reached at http://www.sportscomplainer.com

Fisher Administration bails out Kobe Corporations by Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer written on 06/12/09 http://www.sportscomplainer.com ----I felt it. Dwight Howard felt it (you could see it on his face). And I assume everyone else in Amway Arena felt it. Did you? That overwhelming feeling of emotion conquering your body: all arising from the little 7-year-old girl. Gina Marie Incandela, diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder, unable to speak just a few years ago, touched the hearts of millions as she sang the National Anthem. The sports chills traveled through my body and it seemed as if this miracle of a voice was just what the Magic needed to tie the series up. And it worked, it really did. It’s just too bad she wasn’t allowed to sing at halftime, because that’s when it all went downhill for Orlando. In the first half, the Magic built up their biggest lead of the series. Superman had 9 rebounds and 3 blocks in just the first few minutes of the game. Skip (Rafer Alston) was back on the playground as he began 4/5 from the field. The Lakers front court was in foul trouble as Josh Powell and D.J. Mbenga (who, right?) were inserted into the game. And by the half, the Magic led 49-37. Cue in Gina Marie. Or don’t. And that’s when the game turned. Orlando lost the emotion (Gina, where are you?) and the Laker mystique awed all. By the 4:39 mark in the third, the Lakers (no, not just Kobe) were up 57-56. Gina Marie was trying to run back on the court, but they just wouldn’t let her. Down the stretch, the game was as close as the Gore-Bush race (you know what, this series needs a recount: Gasol’s goaltend!), until someone came up big. Huge. Bigger than Phil Jackson’s ridiculously raised leather seat, bigger than Dwight Howard’s shoulders and yes, even bigger than the belly on Stan Van Gundy (sorry Stan, you’re still The GQ Man). The savior of the game. The Messiah of the moment: Kobe. Just Kidding. Kobe shot 11/31 from the field. Kobe took jumper after jumper, refusing to drive to the hoop. He must have forgotten his driver’s license at home. The Black Mamba would not drive. Yes, Kobe, we all know you are aging and even if you’re not the highest flyer anymore (not even on your own team: Trevor Ariza has illegal springs in his shoes), drive! Your Kobe Bean Bryant, the officials will give you a call if someone touches your jersey. Go to the basket, draw contact and get what’s free in this league (especially for superstars): free throws. Hence, it wasn’t Kobe. Not with him shooting only 35%. It was the man who has the third most made 3-point shots in NBA Finals history. Only behind Robert Horry and the should-be logoman (His Airness, Michael Jordan). So who was it? It was The Derek Fisher Administration who bailed out the stock value of Kobe Corporations, the same way The Obama Administration bailed out AIG. Kobe’s legacy was on the line. If not for Derek Fisher hitting a three with 4.6 seconds left in the game, to eventually send it to overtime (where Fisher hit another clutch three late in the period, to basically secure the victory), the series would be all tied up. With the next game in Orlando, backed up by the voice of Gina Marie… …And who knows what could have happened from there. If Orlando, with assumed momentum built up, goes on to win the series, what happens to the legacy of Kobe Bean Bryant? (Having gone to two straight NBA Finals and losing both. Moreover, losing his last three appearances in the Finals as a whole. But that’s all unsubstantiated gossip now, thanks to The Fisher Administration.) President Barack Obama must have called Fisher before the game and let him know what bailout plans are all about. Let him know how to give out the special aide to those in need of it. By the by, Hedo-He Does Turkoglu did in fact receive a call from the Turkish Prime Minister, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, before the game. But it looks as if Recep was outmatched by Barack. Go Barack! Consequently, Kobe’s legacy is safe and has even escalated to another level. Or at least it seems so, with a now commanding 3-1 lead. But before we rank Kobe amongst the best ever, let’s take a closer look. Besides the bailout plan by The Fisher Administration, whenever Kobe has won, he’s been surrounded by a legit big man and a coach who has won 9 of the last 18 NBA Championships. In 18 years, Phil has taken home the O’Brien trophy 50% of the time. Phil, c’mon man, let someone else win every once in a while (That’s it, I have officially taken away the crown from King, I mean Prince James and handed it over to Phil). Kobe’s first three rings occurred when he was hanging onto the cape of the former Superman; the most dominant player to ever, ever, play the game (The Bigunfriendly). And now, on the brink of another one, Kobe, you’ve got The Mop (Pau Gasol). A highly underrated player whose own legacy would be greater if not stuck in Grizzly-land for all those years. However, Kobe did have a few years without any bigs and one without the Zen Master. And what happened then? I’ll tell you exactly what happened then: A non-playoff appearance and then repeated early exits in the first round. Kobe has never made it past the first round without a legit big. So please, please, no MJ comparisons anymore. In fact no MJ comparisons ever. His Airness was one of a kind. Never before and never again. Nonetheless, years from now, when NBA historians rank Kobe amongst the greats, indeed he will be up there. With both the stats and the rings, one cannot deny his stature. For in due time, no one will remember the specifics. No one will remember Kobe needed a big, no one will remember Kobe needed King Phil and undoubtedly, no one will remember The Fisher Administration bailout plan.

Zak Kertesz can be reached at http://www.sportscomplainer.com

Fisher Administration bails out Kobe Corporations by Zak Kertesz, The Sports Complainer written on 06/12/09 www.sportscomplainer.com ----I felt it. Dwight Howard felt it (you could see it on his face). And I assume everyone else in Amway Arena felt it. Did you? That overwhelming feeling of emotion conquering your body: all arising from the little 7-year-old girl. Gina Marie Incandela, diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder, unable to speak just a few years ago, touched the hearts of millions as she sang the National Anthem. The sports chills traveled through my body and it seemed as if this miracle of a voice was just what the Magic needed to tie the series up. And it worked, it really did. It’s just too bad she wasn’t allowed to sing at halftime, because that’s when it all went downhill for Orlando. In the first half, the Magic built up their biggest lead of the series. Superman had 9 rebounds and 3 blocks in just the first few minutes of the game. Skip (Rafer Alston) was back on the playground as he began 4/5 from the field. The Lakers front court was in foul trouble as Josh Powell and D.J. Mbenga (who, right?) were inserted into the game. And by the half, the Magic led 49-37. Cue in Gina Marie. Or don’t. And that’s when the game turned. Orlando lost the emotion (Gina, where are you?) and the Laker mystique awed all. By the 4:39 mark in the third, the Lakers (no, not just Kobe) were up 57-56. Gina Marie was trying to run back on the court, but they just wouldn’t let her. Down the stretch, the game was as close as the Gore-Bush race (you know what, this series needs a recount: Gasol’s goaltend!), until someone came up big. Huge. Bigger than Phil Jackson’s ridiculously raised leather seat, bigger than Dwight Howard’s shoulders and yes, even bigger than the belly on Stan Van Gundy (sorry Stan, you’re still The GQ Man). The savior of the game. The Messiah of the moment: Kobe. Just Kidding. Kobe shot 11/31 from the field. Kobe took jumper after jumper, refusing to drive to the hoop. He must have forgotten his driver’s license at home. The Black Mamba would not drive. Yes, Kobe, we all know you are aging and even if you’re not the highest flyer anymore (not even on your own team: Trevor Ariza has illegal springs in his shoes), drive! Your Kobe Bean Bryant, the officials will give you a call if someone touches your jersey. Go to the basket, draw contact and get what’s free in this league (especially for superstars): free throws. Hence, it wasn’t Kobe. Not with him shooting only 35%. It was the man who has the third most made 3-point shots in NBA Finals history. Only behind Robert Horry and the should-be logoman (His Airness, Michael Jordan). So who was it? It was The Derek Fisher Administration who bailed out the stock value of Kobe Corporations, the same way The Obama Administration bailed out AIG. Kobe’s legacy was on the line. If not for Derek Fisher hitting a three with 4.6 seconds left in the game, to eventually send it to overtime (where Fisher hit another clutch three late in the period, to basically secure the victory), the series would be all tied up. With the next game in Orlando, backed up by the voice of Gina Marie… …And who knows what could have happened from there. If Orlando, with assumed momentum built up, goes on to win the series, what happens to the legacy of Kobe Bean Bryant? (Having gone to two straight NBA Finals and losing both. Moreover, losing his last three appearances in the Finals as a whole. But that’s all unsubstantiated gossip now, thanks to The Fisher Administration.) President Barack Obama must have called Fisher before the game and let him know what bailout plans are all about. Let him know how to give out the special aide to those in need of it. By the by, Hedo-He Does Turkoglu did in fact receive a call from the Turkish Prime Minister, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, before the game. But it looks as if Recep was outmatched by Barack. Go Barack! Consequently, Kobe’s legacy is safe and has even escalated to another level. Or at least it seems so, with a now commanding 3-1 lead. But before we rank Kobe amongst the best ever, let’s take a closer look. Besides the bailout plan by The Fisher Administration, whenever Kobe has won, he’s been surrounded by a legit big man and a coach who has won 9 of the last 18 NBA Championships. In 18 years, Phil has taken home the O’Brien trophy 50% of the time. Phil, c’mon man, let someone else win every once in a while (That’s it, I have officially taken away the crown from King, I mean Prince James and handed it over to Phil). Kobe’s first three rings occurred when he was hanging onto the cape of the former Superman; the most dominant player to ever, ever, play the game (The Bigunfriendly). And now, on the brink of another one, Kobe, you’ve got The Mop (Pau Gasol). A highly underrated player whose own legacy would be greater if not stuck in Grizzly-land for all those years. However, Kobe did have a few years without any bigs and one without the Zen Master. And what happened then? I’ll tell you exactly what happened then: A non-playoff appearance and then repeated early exits in the first round. Kobe has never made it past the first round without a legit big. So please, please, no MJ comparisons anymore. In fact no MJ comparisons ever. His Airness was one of a kind. Never before and never again. Nonetheless, years from now, when NBA historians rank Kobe amongst the greats, indeed he will be up there. With both the stats and the rings, one cannot deny his stature. For in due time, no one will remember the specifics. No one will remember Kobe needed a big, no one will remember Kobe needed King Phil and undoubtedly, no one will remember The Fisher Administration bailout plan.