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I M Perfect
on the Sturgeon River
A Lady living her truth and sharing her experience.
Interests: Art Quilts, Art, Writing, Spirituality, Reading,
Recent Activity
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Estrangement "The fact of no longer being on friendly terms or part of a social group." Clinging to my husband 13 years ago, I cried for my father, How He would die a very lonely death. Believing, that his abusive behavior would leave him out in the cold from our family. Little did I know, the tears I cried were for me. While writing words for a book I am playing with, I wanted to make sure the word estrangement worked for identifying me. No longer friendly. I then pondered when did this unfriendliness happen and who began this energy... Continue reading
Posted 2 days ago at IMPERFECT Lady
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Death brings family together; naturally. Unless you are on the outside. All things stay the same; except completely different in their lives. I ponder her life, her soul and what she teaches. What is her legacy upon the land? How can I live to honor her journey? A young woman I didn't know; yet knew. We both grew in the circle of the same family. What was her experience compared to mine? Was her pattern like mine? Were we more alike than different? We didn't seek each other out. Nor, did our paths cross after I left the family. Estrangement's... Continue reading
Posted 6 days ago at IMPERFECT Lady
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Happy Mother's Day has many different angles. I am a mother, I am estranged from a mother, and my daughter is a mother. Generations of women ahead and behind me. The past and the future connected by me. Mother's Day looking back at my mother leaves me empty, where praise and heroic memories should be. I see the volumes of heavy obligations and escapes. Holes in her morals and values when they were needed the most. Her tapestry is weaved by her weakness, blindness and faithful love of her religion. A shroud that leaves me out. I feel nothing to... Continue reading
Posted May 14, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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The weather is the universe, or reality, begging us to accept what is. And, a reminder that we can plan and hope and dream and then reality walks in. Winning, only but 100% of the time. This week, reality was Icy Rain. Instead of biking weather. Freezing into snow, making the hiking trails wet and slippery. I was so ready to ride my bike and deliver mail with my elbow out the window and have Spring Breezes carrying the scent of blossoms; but we had snow. Stinging beads of snow. Splashing through frozen mud puddles. Not accepting what is, kept... Continue reading
Posted Apr 29, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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It seems to me that we are a society of "Excessive Tolerance". We place the well being on society changing BY us being more kind. Really? Rendering a good portion of society incapable of improving. Keeping them LESS, and we are More. Being Kinder, adds to our column of self-worth. Who would you be without the worth of kindness? What would happen IF you became honest instead of kind? We have a strange way of not setting boundaries with folks closest to us; out of kindness. It is as if to say, our family is incapable of honoring and respecting... Continue reading
Posted Apr 19, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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"The Body Keeps Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D. is the most comprehensive book I have read about the affects of childhood trauma on our lives. And, how the medical community is in the learning stages of how to effectively deal with adult children of abuse. I am listening to this book, but ordered the hard copy to use as a reference. Here is about the brain and trauma... This is long but so insightful as to what happens in the brain. "SHIFTING TO ONE SIDE OF THE BRAIN" The scans also revealed that during flashbacks, our subjects' brains... Continue reading
Posted Apr 18, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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Kindness can often mean "Excessive Tolerance" - Danielle La Porte I love this. I have felt that I am asked to be tolerant, more than being kind. Tolerant of behaviors that are hurtful or unkind. When does one get to decide their own level of tolerance? Is kindness truly being excessively tolerant? I have felt that I am unkind, due to my lower levels of tolerance. I had to look up the definition of Tolerance. the ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with. This is why... Continue reading
Posted Apr 18, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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Martha Beck wrote about honesty check-ins. Where you set a timer and when the buzzer rings throughout your day, you see if what you are doing is in agreement with your truth. "At your first few honesty check-ins, you may notice nothing at all. Or you may feel only a twitch of nerves, a wisp of sadness. Ask yourself, What could this sensation be trying to tell me? If no answer arises, that's okay. Just write "I don't know," set the timer again, and repeat. Your truth is like a wild animal; if it's been attacked or suppressed, it may... Continue reading
Posted Apr 15, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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When we are asked to respect the president, just because he is the president, we are not seeing the man, but the title. This is the exact same thing that happens within families where abuse happens. Honor thy mother and thy father. Regardless of the person wearing the title. It is the title that society wants us to pay homage to. Upholding it, creates a false representation of who is behind it. It is like they get a free pass, due to the word that describes their job. See my title, it means more than who I am as a... Continue reading
Posted Apr 11, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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While listening to a podcast, "Finding Mastery: Conversations with Michael Gervais" as he spoke to Chade-Meng Tan on Joy... they spoke about thin slices we can experience during the day. His one example, was when your throat is dry and you take a sip of water, feel that! I do this on my first few sips of Tea! Joy We often think it has to be big grand and expensive; that we have to travel far and strange and do adventurous things. But, you literally can feel joy, crawling into bed after a full day and laying your head on... Continue reading
Posted Apr 6, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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What would a mission statement read like for WIND? Women In New Directions. WIND has changed directions just as the women who have grown with it have. What started out as a support group of sorts, has turned into adventures of the mind, body and soul. The more we have dared to do, the more WIND has changed directions. I love the fluid nature and unknowing. WIND is active and creative. It is art and physical endurance. Connection and friendship. Exploring new art forms that stretch and move our minds and soul. We explore our inner worlds with some projects,... Continue reading
Posted Apr 1, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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Yesterday I listened to this podcast about the value of boredom. I found it very enlightening and something I will now pay attention to. I loved how he is back to notebook and pen. When I was at my most stressed out, I would not go anywhere without paper and pencil. Sharpened pencils and a journal captured many years worth of releasing emotions and expressing feelings. My job and the rural nature of my route takes me off the grid. I do use my phone as a listening device for podcasts and books. I listen a lot. I also use... Continue reading
Posted Mar 28, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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"The voice for truth speaks to every person on the planet, every single day, and that voice is as loud as our willingness to listen." Gandhi I love this quote! Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, truth is in the ear that listens for it. You truly have to want to know the truth. Most often the truth will upset a false ideal you have. And, if you are completely in love, committed and faithful to the false, you will not have a listening ear for truth. Who knew that the truth depends upon a willingness... Continue reading
Posted Mar 27, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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"I am the most comfortable in the truth" Glennon Doyle Melton The podcasts that I am most drawn to are those of people who dare to live their truth out loud, the ones whose lives were altered due to the awareness. Who have made great changes into living authentic lives. What I heard today, after you become aware and living mindfully, you have a hard time around folks whose lives are littered with lies. Or to be drawn toward lives who live on the surface of life. Once I had unraveled all that was untrue for me, untrue lives don't... Continue reading
Posted Mar 23, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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In the past few months, I have been listening to the ways women have been resisting and persisting, and this idea resonates with me. I had to look up their definitions to see if I totally understood their meaning. Resist - Withstand, be proof against, be resistant too, keep out. Persist - continue firmly or obstinately in an opinion or a course of action in spite of difficulty, opposition, or failure. I believe, the reason I was drawn to this concept, is that this is how I have been towards abuse in the past 12 years. I often question my... Continue reading
Posted Mar 20, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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I am not sure what an adrenaline rush is, or over the top excitement, the kick people get by doing scary things, but maybe I felt that as I skied the Great Bear Chase. Would it be possible that what some people call adrenaline, I call fear? Is the rush putting yourself close to the edge and careening almost out of control that is the rush? What I do know, is that rush of it all, was more draining on my emotions than on my physical strength. Sure I was tired, but I was more emotionally drained. I haven't experienced... Continue reading
Posted Mar 13, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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The Great Bear Chase! Wow, and OH MY God, is all I have to say. First of all, I am not an intermediate skier, for those trails are for badass skiers! Beginners beware!! Or, folks like me who love to ski with tracks! Start of the race is an icy incline without trails and it was by sheer luck I didn't fall going up. Then, onto a slopping downhill, without tracks. Knees already shaking and we are 5 minutes into the 10K. And, there are skiers in front of me, skiers on side of me, skiers behind me. Go go... Continue reading
Posted Mar 11, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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Weather that fluctuates between winter and spring, gave me some great insights in how we interact with the weather. Weather arrives and we then get to decide our response. Warmer temps, melting snow and bare roads means biking! Too cold and windy for skiing....means, get your snowshoes on. When the winds die down a bit and the temperature remains cold, take your skis and find a trail! Bringing a friend along is a bonus! The beauty on the trials is breath taking - nature showing off. We had the moon in front of us and the sun behind. Crisp fast... Continue reading
Posted Mar 10, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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Yesterday the act of refusing stuck with me. How rarely it is actually used, especially by women. We tend to be the peace makers, the fixers, the pleasers and so we shy away from refusals in any form. At least this was the kind of woman I was. I was actually queen of keeping calm waters. I know that I have almost PTSD moments when refusals are present. The old habit of mine squirms uncomfortably as I resist being the peace keeper. It is hard to watch someone refuse. For, you know conflict is coming. Each person is trying to... Continue reading
Posted Mar 9, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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Today is "International Women's Day" and one of their themes is "Be Bold For Change". I looked up the word Bold, to see what its expectations are. "(of a person, action, or idea) showing an ability to take risks; confident and courageous." Being bold means taking risks and being confident enough to start out. I don't believe you have to have the whole route planned; but you do have to know what you want to change. Change can be small. And, we each are defined by what is bold for us. My bold may not be bold enough for someone... Continue reading
Posted Mar 8, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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Here is what I noticed, it doesn't take perfection and you will still be successful. We all want to wait until. I am not sure who we expect will bring Until to us, but we do have this idea about so many things. I can't ski until I am thinner, fitter, have the right outfit, am not scared of the hills, will be assured I won't fall, its warmer, colder, I have a friend, etc. I am here to tell you that I am the most imperfect perfect skier! I don't fit the image of many skiers. Sleek, fit and... Continue reading
Posted Mar 5, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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Dare is my word for the year. I wanted to dare myself to expand my life. Being brave instead of being safe or maybe comfortable is a better word. Fear seems to be the starting point to brave, and then I have to dare to begin. I looked up the definition. Dare - "Have the courage to do something. Defy or challenge someone to do something." "To have enough courage or confidence to do something: To not be too afraid to do something. To do something that is difficult that people are usually afraid to do." Having the courage to... Continue reading
Posted Mar 5, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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Silence is the least effectual response to sexual abuse, and yet the most widely used. Silence keeps your world operating as if nothing happened. Silence sits with fear and terror. Threats, and just the natural ugliness of abuse, demands silence. Silence. No words. Truth sits with no sound. Which reminded me of this: "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" is a philosophical thought experiment that raises questions regarding observation and knowledge of reality." I wonder if most need to hear the sounds, in order to acknowledge... Continue reading
Posted Mar 4, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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When speaking out about abuse within the community of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, I had intuitively knew it wasn't going to be welcome. But over the past 13 years, it does continually surprise me, how quick they reach the state of unbelief, or how fast they are to minimize the volume of abuse in their presence. They want me to be the odd man out, the special exception; and certainly not the norm. Their need to isolate and condemn my family as being rare and abnormal among their whole healthy families is quite remarkable, when you look at how... Continue reading
Posted Mar 3, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady
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What is always curious to me, is when people come upon my blog and my writings about abuse within the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, rarely is there any concern. More often there is righteous defense for its honor. Here is a comment from yesterday about a blog back in February 2012 Imperfect Lady Feb. 2012 "I too grew up in the 1st Apostolic Lutheran Church. I, however, never once heard of abuse among any families from this church, and I know quite a number of people from the church. Sexual abuse is considered highly taboo within this church and culture;... Continue reading
Posted Mar 2, 2017 at IMPERFECT Lady