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Julie & Astraea, Reading your posts is so helpful to me. I sat here with tears in my eyes because your lives and experiences echo my own. My gay husband came out two years ago. We are legally separated and have been for about 1 1/2 years. Initially I was devastated because I knew for me that my marriage would ultimately end. At the time, I was actually more concerned about how G. would live the rest of his life. I felt a great deal of compassion for him. Of course, I was also deeply sad, terribly angry and so hurt. When he came out, he admitted there had been a number of random sexual encounters with men. Looking back, I think I really did not deal with that much. Now, two years later, the anger is rearing its ugly head and I am feeling a recurrence of my anger and an even deeper rage. I am having a hard time reconciling all that was good about G. when we were married with his ultimate betrayal of me. He was a supportive husband. I earned both a bachelors degree & a law degree while we were married and raising our daughter together. He was a devoted and attentive dad. He and I spent a lot of time together laughing and having fun. How could this be the same man who cheated on me and put my health at risk? There is no answer to this question. It is hard to accept that. The reason I think these feelings are recurring now is that he has formed a close friendship with my best girlfriend. At first it was with my blessing and encouragement because it seemed so harmless and he had so few friends. Although it is clearly platonic, as they become closer, my anger grows. He is betraying me again. He is being a better friend to her than to me--and he had promised we would always be "best" friends. I have gone back to counseling and have been making an effort to keep some distance from him and focus on my present relationship. It is hard. He doesn't get it. He doesn't see how this hurts me. So, I find myself struggling AGAIN! I am trying to focus on the good things in my life (and I am blessed with many good things). At this point in time, however, I am really in a rage about this second betrayal. The original wound has been reopened! One of the things I have learned through this process is that I have to listen to my gut, to my inner voice. I think I repressed my inner voice for many years. It had been screaming at me that something was not right but I consistently ignored it. Now I try very hard to listen. When I have a decision facing me and I don't know what to do, I just try to wait it out until my gut tells me what to do. Astaea, you do not have to decide today or tomorrow whether you will divorce or stay married. I think you simply need to set that type of decision aside for the moment, spend time being kind to yourself, loving yourself, listening to yourself and protecting your heart--and I think, in time, your path will be clear. My best wishes to all the straight spouses out there. You are certainly not alone. It is a true comfort for me to read these posts and know that I am not alone.
Commented Jun 26, 2009 on
STAGES OF RECOVERY
Straight Spouse Connection
STAGES OF RECOVERY
When my husband told me that he had "homosexual tendencies" and later filled in details of two decades of clandestine gay activities, I was awash in conflicting emotions. Over many months, we worked to stay married and then to divorce with grace, and I was unknowingly following a predictabl...
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