...actually cooking a real meal. Not because it's what you set out to do so, but because you opened the fridge that you could have sworn was full of food when you grabbed a (third) beer last night and realized it has become a museum of takeout containers, olive jars, and a drawer full of wilted farmer's market kale your (temporarily) health nut friend forced on you. So you throw everything out, even the little tubs of extra ranch you always think you'll use later. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT OPEN anything. That road leads straight to nausea... Continue reading

...in your favorite place. Wearing a caftan. A turban, maybe? Definitely with your favorite people. And a soaring '80s ballad. "We're friends, aren't we?"!!!! Gets me EVERY TIME!!!! Countess auContraire Continue reading

Lambs, Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess. ==================================================================== Countess, Do you have a few minutes? I need a little advice. I am really confused by this gift I just got for my birthday. It was for a parent. As in one with children. But I don't have any kids. And I am not pregnant. Or trying to get pregnant. Or dating anyone right now. Should I be offended? If so, is it rude... Continue reading

Doing any and everything in this classic 1991 chronicle of summertime Sundays long gone, yet cheerfully remembered. -Countess auContraire Continue reading

And the crowd goes WILD!!!!!! Few things bring a collective Fuck Yeah! like walking out with a frosty box of Fla-Vor-Ice and a pair of scissors. It is HOT AS FUCK out there, y'all, and nothing chills the heat-sapped soul or brightens the sunburnt spirit like a plastic sleeve of frozen Kool Aid. To the children, you're a giver of the sugar their moms forbid them from having, and thusly, a champion. To the tipsy 'Birds who are never more than a few feet from the bar, you respect what is right in this world (and know we probably need... Continue reading

I'm so full right now, you guys. ...training for epic Olympics watching by cleaning out your DVR! One thing you need to know about Your Countess: The Summer Olympics ARE. MY. SHIT. Full rant soon to come. In the meantime, the Olympic trials started last Friday, and after looking at the schedule and my 73% full DVR, I realized I had some work to do. It's all about making the tough choice between watching, then deleting or just getting rid of the dumb shit. Sure, I recorded 7 episodes of The Cosby Show, but do I need to watch them... Continue reading

Lambs, Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess. ======================================================================== Dear Countess, Hey. I'm writing because I have a pretty serious question about an issue that plagues us all: the neon trend. It looks so fun! It makes me want to breakdance! But can I rock it? I'm a 34 year old albino adjacent aspiring artist who likes to make her friends write things for the Internet. Thoughts? Sincerely, Please Answer Promptly and Spellchecked and... Continue reading

Lambs, Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess. ==================================================================== Dear The Countess, Hi! I've never actually done this before because I don't like need advice and also I don't write things, but I think something is going on that you will really want to hear about. See, I kind of get the feeling sometimes that people aren't listening to me when I talk about how great my life is. They stare off into space... Continue reading

A look. The possibilities are endless! Your Countess has a ridiculously beautiful and expressive face. And I'm not afraid to admit the devilish joy I get from shutting down someone's stupid with a cool stare, peppered with a few well placed blinks. Or a half-raised eyebrow into a fully raised eyebrow. Ah, the simple pleasures. Here is a Mockingbirds' personal favorite, gracefully brought to you by He Who Hath Bathed in The Waters of Lake Minnetonka: The amount of situations that this look is appropriate for will ASTOUND you. Countess auContraire Continue reading

Lambs, Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess. ============================================================================== Dear Countess, I read your advice on how to spend Friday night and it made me look through my basket of nail polishes under the sink. And the drawer in my nightstand. And that sweet makeup case I promised myself I’d use to organize my nail polish. I have SOOOO many duplicates!! Have any ideas what I should do with them? Nail Lacquer Lackey Darling... Continue reading

...raiding your local 24 hour gas station or drug store. After you've hit happy hour, worked it out on the dance floor, and filled up on weirdness at the dive bar, the next logical step is snacks and knickknacks at the fancy, well lit 76. CVS or Walgreens is even better. Because the night is still young and you're gonna need Ruffles, sour candy ropes, that news rag with an exclusive interview of Batboy, a pint of Rocky Road, the cotton balls you always forget to pick up, three bottles of nail polish you probably already have, those chocolate-filled cookie... Continue reading

My dears, If there is one thing Your Countess knows, it’s how to be beautifully confident. While my fellow Mavens of Mock and I do our best to impart our fantasticality to you via los interwebos, there is no better place on television to learn to be a lady than RuPaul’s Drag Race. Every week on LOGO, these ladyboys are dropping knowledge (and eyelashes) left and right and I’ll be here (knee-deep in sequins and trying on wigs) to pass the sparkly morsels on for your pleasure. The end is not here after all, suckas, because RuPaul is taking the... Continue reading

In a perfect world, the intro to this latest Replacements would be thoughtful, charming, and witty. But if we lived in a perfect world, The Madame would have picked a sexy, delicious mancandy treat by now! In the words of Latrice Royale, "Five Gs. Good God Girl Get a Grip!" For my Stone Cold Fox (and hopefully, last!) offering, Your Countess presents... TUPAC AMARU SHAKUR LOOKS: Unlike pop music, being attractive is not requisite to make it in the rap industry. Biggie, Eazy-E, Flava Flav, Rick Ross, Lil Wayne, Mystikal, Master P, Too Short, the ugly stick goes on and... Continue reading

Your Countess went over to a friend's house and watched Justin Bieber's Never Say Never on her Netflix so it wouldn't show up on my Recently Watched list. I didn't make it all the way through, but I was this close to drinking the Kool-Aid. Sorry, Lulu! Countess auConfessions Continue reading

While Your Countess is normally quite contentedly childless, I sometimes crave SUPERCUTEBABYTIME. But with my busy schedule, I don't always have a chance to kidnap a lil bundle of joy. So I turn to Seriously Cute Asian Babies on tumblr. My ovaries squeed just thinking about it. SO FUCKING CUTE. SERIOUSLY. Deny this. I dare you. Countess auConfessions Continue reading

I always think I'll take them off my iPod, and yet I never, ever do. A leeky boom boom damn. -Countess auConfessions A Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack ALL YEAR LONG Take That - Back For Good The Spinners - The Rubberband Man Snow - Informer Continue reading

On this, Leap Day 2012, Your Countess will lay her very soul bare and confess to some of the dumb things I normally keep on the hush. Starting with the fact that I thoroughly enjoy giving loud ass kids in grocery store carts the Look of Death behind their mother's backs. Their stunned silence gives me glee. Darlings, I encourage you to do the same. Let the secrets fly free!!! One day. Every four years. Countess auConfessions Continue reading

Me, of course! That exclamation point was the most excitement I could muster about this entire Oscar situation. Boring. Call me when this is an option... Sorry. I have wrasslin' on the brain. But he really does want you to consider. See? -Countess auContraire Continue reading

My dears, If there is one thing Your Countess knows, it’s how to be beautifully confident. While my fellow Mavens of Mock and I do our best to impart our fantasticality to you via los interwebos, there is no better place on television to learn to be a lady than RuPaul’s Drag Race. Every week on LOGO, these ladyboys are dropping knowledge (and eyelashes) left and right and I’ll be here (knee-deep in sequins and trying on wigs) to pass the sparkly morsels on for your pleasure. A lady (or a wildly popular TV show featuring men drag racing for... Continue reading

Finally! Tonight, the wigs fly, the claws come out, and my joy knows no bounds. Get More: Video & Movies, Logo: Fierce TV ConDRAGulations! It's time to tune in and turn up the party! -Countess auCountraire Continue reading

The Replacement hunt continues and this time, I'm putting up someone with whom The Madame and I have somewhat of a history. The Countess presents... RUPERT PENRY-JONES LOOKS: If you have seen this man at work as Adam Carter in Spooks (known Stateside as MI-5) or Captain Wentworth in Persuasion, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. All British and proper and pretty and sexy and desperately in need of me to complete his life. In my extensive (Google images) research, I find that Mr. Penry-Jones's onscreen joie de yum does not translate to still photographs as well as... Continue reading

Lambs, Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess. ============================================================= Dear Countess, Ever since I read that article about the meals a woman should know, I can’t help but think about how many other situations my womanhood is deficient in. What the hell am I supposed to make when my dad introduces me to his latest girlfriend who is two years younger than me, or I’m high and let the Jehovah’s Witnesses in, or how... Continue reading