I recently had a friend of a friend hound me to set her up with one of my guy friends. One of my favorite guy friends. Finally she said to me “give me your number, I’ll text you pictures of me” an aggressive move on her part. At that point, my hesitation and deliberation about introducing people from different parts of my life, is taken out of the equation. I can’t receive the pictures then not pass them on. Then I’m a sexy picture hoarder. I passed them along and thought “now I’m involved, whether they like it or not”... Continue reading

I’ve had a cold for almost two weeks. The worst part about having a cold is everybody knows just by talking to you, that you have a cold. I deal with the public a lot so I have been bombarded with “you have a cold? or you think its allergies?” “what are you taking?” “how long have you had it?” “you sound like, that lady, what was her name?” It goes on and on. People LOVE to talk about colds. My mother will call “you sound worse” “you sound better” “did you get the zycam?” “are you drinking orange juice?... Continue reading

I’ve been mean to myself lately. If I was going out with me, I’d break up with me right about now. I’m trying to get back into the self help scene. I used to read self help books. In fact, that is all I read, one self help book after another. Sometimes I would read them 2 or 3 times in a row. That’s how bad I want to be normal. I’m willing to learn. All my self help books are worn at the seam. Any chapters titled anything along the lines of ‘how to stop being attracted to unavailable... Continue reading

Someone recently told me I need to work smarter. No elaboration just a matter of fact statement. Please, Judger of Work Intelligence, show me the way. Don’t make my life a fable: “the girl who learned she worked wrong” There was a girl wandering the world working stupid. Working stupid over here. Working stupid over there. Everybody could see her working stupid. Then, one day, the Judger of Work Intelligence pointed it out to her. He told her “You need to work smarter. I know you are trying really hard and not getting the results you want. I know that.... Continue reading

I have been applying for conventional jobs. Jobs that have a set schedule and a designated desk where people come to talk to you about deadlines, going out for drinks, or, hopefully, some fucked up but good looking coworker. Not a bartending or stand up comedy job where going to work runs the possibility of someone throwing up in front of you or calling you names and laughing at the same time. A job where I am protected from my yesteryear, where going to work does not have a heightened risk of unexpected and unanticipated social visits. Places where I... Continue reading

Somebody recently asked me that age old question “Do you think you’re afraid of success?” I wish I was afraid of success. That would be a normal fear. I’m afraid to wear a scarf. I wear a scarf and I feel like I’m taunting the stranglers. I’m walking down the street trying to keep warm thinking “I’m a walking crime scene, an accomplice in my own murder. I put this scarf on, I went out in public, I knew there were people in the world who like to strangle people, and I flaunted an opportunity right in front of their... Continue reading

I like to go out to lunch alone. It’s always a crapshoot on how a solitary guest is treated by the service staff. Sometimes they try to bully you into eating fast, or sitting at a shitty table, or getting your food to go, I don’t budge. When I set out to get waited on, I get waited on. In my experience, the deader the restaurant the worse you get treated. I went to a predominantly empty restaurant (with no dress code) in my neighborhood and the hostess asked “Do you have a reservation?” with the undertone “Are you sure... Continue reading

Last week my sister Kristen drove me up to Boston for Thanksgiving, me and Butchie, the dog. I brought my king size pillow with the satin pillowcase for the ride, Butchie’s pillow was bigger. About 4 1/2 hours into the ride we were approaching our destination, Momma's house, when my sister said “I want to bring the dog to the park so I’ll have Mom come pick you up there.” Nothing like driving over 4 hours to get somewhere and 15 minutes before you arrive at the destination your driver says “Hey, change of plans, I just realized I got... Continue reading

People don’t realize how protective comics are of their comedy. Sometimes it takes a simple inquiry to make me feel taunted, especially when it’s an insincere exploration into the validity, success, or future of my comedic life. “When’s your next show?” is the most common attitude provoking inquiry. You know why? It’s always the same people asking, sometimes twice in one night. Guess what? They NEVER come to a show. Not once. I want to say “Hey listen don’t use my comedy as a conversation filler. It’s important to me. I know it’s not important to you, but a measly... Continue reading

There are a lot of emotional reactions to hurricane forecasts. My mother loves this stuff. People overreacting in a frenzy? She wants to watch! People underpreparing? She wants to hear how bad they are fucking up their lives. My mother loves to hear about emotional angst, sometimes I play into it. Mom: How scared are you? Me: Terrified. Mom: Don’t tell me you didn’t stockpile! Me: Oh you’re talking about the hurricane? Being somebody who derives a lot of self worth through achievements, the hurricane put a screeching halt to my getting shit done which turned into a perfect excuse... Continue reading

Everybody in New York is going somewhere in a hurry and they all think their destination is far superior to anybody within their line of vision. People are actively avoiding eye contact with everybody else, including me. I like eye contact but when someone on the streets of New York looks me in the eye, I assume they’re thinking about telling me I have egg on my face but they don’t have time to get into it, plus they want to pretend they didn’t see a someone in broad day light with egg yolk face. I get it. Every once... Continue reading

Summer is drawing to a close. I just got back from a week on Cape Cod, drinking Mojito’s at the Tiki Bar in Dennisport. It’s amazing what a difference it makes when you’re drinking a well-made cocktail. It got me to thinking about the best cocktails I’ve had this summer.... Continue reading

I performed recently at the Comedy Vault (www.dickdoherty.com) in Boston and I stayed with my mother in Quincy, MA. I grew up in Milton one town over so it was pretty much like going home. Milton is a small, dry town so as teenagers, my friends and I would have to go to Quincy or Dorchester to do anything out of the ordinary. Quincy happens to be the home of Regina Russel’s Tea Room. http://www.rrtearoom.com/ . Their website reads “in the psychic reading business since 1973” and they have the furniture to prove it! I can’t tell you how many... Continue reading

Like any upstanding member of the female gender, I can be hypersensitive at times. Sometimes these ‘times” have a continuous and indefinite duration. Lately I’ve been persistently susceptible to overanalyzing and acutely responsive to external stimuli, yes, I’ve been a little crazy. I’ve been enjoying it. I may be the only one. This past Saturday I was out with my sister Kristen, for a ‘snack’ when we got to chatting with the bartender. A MALE bartender. Fun chatter. Some of it may have been interpreted as flirtatious or suggestive. My sister was drinking Dickel. I mean, how can you not... Continue reading

MY LATEST CRUSH I’ve been talking about being lazy and bloated for a long time. I think I bottomed out. Lately when people invite me somewhere, anywhere, I ask “ How close can I get to lying down once I get there? Are there big comfy couches? Ottomans?” usually the answer is no but every once in a while someone says something like “Last time I was there I fell asleep” SOLD! No dress code right? That’s the other thing, I’m always saying things like “OK I’ll go but I’m not changing. This is what I’m wearing.” I’ve barely been... Continue reading

I’m terrible at journaling. My journals are sporadic collections of nonsense. I recently pulled out a bunch of old journals filled with to do lists, joke ideas, and things I want to do with my life rants. Not one journal had been completed. They all have the middle part of the journal blank, then at the back there are a few entries that seem more interesting because of their odd placement but they’re not. No grand emotional disclosures, no scandalous involvement with the underbelly of society, and sadly, no sexual content. The best thing I found in my journals are... Continue reading

I performed in the Women in Comedy Festival in Boston last week (check out the festival http://www.womenincomedyfestival.com/). I arrived at the venue and the first thing the hostess said to me is “Your mothers here, she’s not happy” Turns out, the show was sold out and she hadn’t made a reservation so she did not get preference in seating nor did she mask her disappointment. The hostess went on “She wanted me to comp her but I …” “Please, don’t worry about my mother.” As I’m having this conversation with the concerned hostess, I see my mother leering at me... Continue reading

This is a booth at the Alumni Cafe Picture yourself in it! If you told me you’d never been to the Alumni Café in Quincy MA, I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s a pub with no windows. None. You have to open the enormous wooden door to see what it’s all... Continue reading

I overheard some doe eyed girl talking to her friend about the spring weather “This is the type of weather that makes me want to lie in the park and read” I thought “This is the type of weather that makes me want to get behind the wheel with a pack of smokes and drive to a tattoo parlor in Rhode Island” I’m just not a lie in the park type of girl. I’ve tried to be. I’ve packed a little bag with a book and a blanket and snacks, plenty of snacks, but it never turns out to be... Continue reading

Van Horn Sandwich Shop 231 Court Street, Brooklyn http://vanhornbrooklyn.com/ Friday February 24th – Lunch My mother was in town this past Friday and I tried to bring her to Brucie http://brucienyc.com/ for lunch. I’ve been hearing about the food at Brucie for weeks and was excited to experience it for... Continue reading

I’m definitely an emotional eater. Unfortunately for me I have a lot of undefined emotions. I ate three Rotisserie chickens in the month of January. Thats finger food for me. I can polish one of those things off quicker than you can say “Would you like some silverware?” I’m like “Oh, no, I’m done. Can you get these chicken remains away from me? Do I have any fatty skin on my face? I’m still hungry” That’s one reason I could never be a vegetarian. Vegetables don’t make me feel anything. Especially not full. You never see a vegetarian push themselves... Continue reading

I wanted to start the New Year off with enthusiasm, inspiration, and motivation. I really did but you can’t force that type of stuff. As I was sending out my Happy New Years texts, my phone autocorrected me on numerous occasions, sending out the ominous greeting “Happy New Tears” to friends and family. Like a lot of families, my family is not good with open, frank conversations about emotions. I can’t even name my feelings most of the time. My emotional vocabulary consists of –Good, Tired, and Bloated. Bloated usually means other things like cranky, lazy, uncomfortable in my own... Continue reading

FACT: I remember more about people who compliment me than people who don’t. I can’t tell you one thing about our presidential candidates but Jimmy the Sous Chef who said I have a nice ass, what do you want to know? Often times I am the only one who remembers anything about the compliment exchange. I’ll see someone who complimented me 5 months ago and excitedly approach them with a big hug: Me: “Benicioooooooooo how are you?” Him: “um, good. I’m good” Me: “Kendra. From the Brazen Head? You said I had a great speaking voice,,, you don’t remember?” Him:... Continue reading