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Ilia
in my own little world...
I love writing fantasy and retail-hell stories.
Recent Activity
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Time to massacre one of the most hated Christmas songs ever - It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Every time it plays in your store, try these words: It's the Most Fucked Up Time of the Year It's the Most fucked up time of the year With noisy kids running around And messy shoppers making us frown It's the most fucked up time of the year It's the pig-piggiest season of all With the store open late and such filthy ingrates That's when the Slaves start to ball It's the pig-piggiest season of all There'll be jeans for unfolding Sweater top tossing and throwing And broken toys all over the floor There'll be scary clean up stories And tales of fitting rooms so gory Like Christmas Hells from long, long ago It's the most fucked up time of the year There'll be much decimating And Retail Slaves will be hating When Piggy Shoppers are near It's the most fucked up time of the year There'll be boxes for tearing open Dress shirts for fondling and gropin' And rugs thrown all over the floor There'll be scary go-back stories And tales of end-caps so gory Like Christmas Hells from... Continue reading
Posted 37 minutes ago at Retail Hell Underground
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This story was originally posted on: April 28, 2011 ------------------------- Okay, so, whoa. MouseMastered here, and today's the western movie of guests: the crazy, the stupid, and the spaced-y to talk about today. First off, the Spaced: I was over behind the tea cups and having a decently good time. A lady walked up, and asked me an innocently enough where Pirates of the Caribbean is. Okay, no problem. So here's what follows: MM: "No problem! It's over in Adventureland." *points towards Adventureland and is about to say more when...* SL(Spaced Lady):"Oh, so it's not in the Magic Kingdom?" I was literally dumbfounded at that and merely responded "No ma'am, it's here. Adventureland is just another section of the park." I don't remember if she had a first time visit button on, but I've seriously NEVER had someone think that Adventureland is not in the park. Secondly... Let's go with the Stupid: I'm at our stand that now sells chicken nuggets amongst other things and one of our new menu options is a kid's meal PBJ. The kid's meal comes with: two sides (grapes, apple slices, cookies, or jell-o) and a drink. OH, and a side note: we only sell... Continue reading
Posted 4 hours ago at Retail Hell Underground
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Harley got devoured by the undead Lurking down in some forgotten tomb. You can say there's no such thing as zombies, But that's how Harley Warren met his doom. He'd been readin' lots of weird books, and I begged him not to go. But he'd brook no procrastination to learn the truths that mankind mustn't know. When we reached the cemetery, with our lights and telephone, He descended in the darkness and he left me waiting for him all alone. Harley got devoured by the undead Lurking down in some ol' wizards tomb. You can say there's no such thing as zombies, But that's how Harley Warren met his doom. Well I waited and I waited for some word from down below. And then ol' Harley started screaming, "Run, my God, now, Carter, go man go!" So I stood alone in horror, paralyzed with fear and dread. When a voice dead and inhuman whispered to me, "Oh, you fool, Warren's dead!" Harley got devoured by the undead Lurking down in some ol' wizards tomb. You can say there's no such thing as zombies, But that's how Harley Warren met his doom. Again I say, I do not know what has... Continue reading
Posted 7 hours ago at Retail Hell Underground
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From: Lade_Deth I have been at a restaurant where it had been crazy busy and the waitress tried to do damage control: "Sorry about the wait. We are a bit backed up." I actually told her if it was okay, I just needed my drink and they could bump my order to be one of the last ones since I didn't need to be anywhere that day. She was quite surprised to say the least. She told the cooks the same thing. I had a book by my fave author (Sherrilyn Kenyon) so I was good. It started to slow down and then I got my order. It was great food. Always has always will be, they have the best cooks there. I finished up and then the waitress came back with a dessert that I did not order and said, "Thank you for being so patient! This is on the house." Awesome! Once finished I went up to pay for my meal and drink and I found out that my meal had been completely comped from the manager! By being nice and polite like I usually am, I got a free great meal! I figured that the meal would... Continue reading
Posted 8 hours ago at Retail Hell Underground
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From: A Retail Associate For Over 15 Years I used to work for Macy's. They bought out Kaufmann's and I continued on with Macy's. Like Kaufmann's, Macy's had no monitors for the fitting rooms. Chaos resulted there. We got criticized for not looking directly into a secret shopper's eyes. For not complimenting their purchase (even for an undergarment purchase). We were expected to greet them no matter what the circumstances. (Somehow, we were expected to see over fixtures that were taller than our height and more than ten feet away from the S.S. who was entering your work area.) We were even expected to answer questions of theirs while ringing up another person. I was a diamond associate (highest level) and still didn't get the highest pay because of ridiculous, impossible, and impolite things I was supposed to do, and was criticized for. --A Retail Associate For Over 15 Years Continue reading
Posted 12 hours ago at Retail Hell Underground
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From: Grendus Corporate was cutting hours and refusing overtime. It made things hell. At Hell Mart, when it came to the end of the week, all employees who had over time weren’t allowed to clock in until the time shifted over at 9:00. Guess who was the only “part-timer” who didn’t regularly work 40+ hours during the week and was register trained? Did I mention this was mid-December? The line went out to soft lines, turned left, continued for half the store, then took a right at toys and I couldn’t see any further. Nobody else could sign in, so no more registers could be opened. Guess who had to deal with angry customers! Penny wise and pound foolish indeed. --Grendus Continue reading
Posted 16 hours ago at Retail Hell Underground
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I saw Mommy kissing Yog-Sothoth In the ring of stones on Sent'nel Hill. My brother and I were spawned From the Necronomicon: Dad looks just like his picture on page seven fifty-one. Now we will work to summon Yog-Sothoth, the key to where the Great Old Ones have trod. Oh he'd have surely come unglued Had Armitage ever viewed Mommy kissing Yog-Sothoth the god! Continue reading
Posted 21 hours ago at Retail Hell Underground
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Jit took a chainsaw to Jingle Bells and this is it's RHU rebirth: Dashing through the store, In the doors they run. Through the crowds we go, Making our way inside. Screaming kids arrive, Making workers hate. What hell it is to be in this store On this Christmas night, Oh! Retail hell, retail hell, Run the fuck away! How was I to know that I Sold my soul to become a slave? Retail hell, retail hell, Oh, that damndest day When I applied for this job And sold my soul away! The customers are throwing Their stuff left and right, Making things a mess, And leaving it behind. As they go, they make Destruction as they place Toys in their carts For us to ring And return on Christmas Day! Oh! Retail hell, retail hell, Run the fuck away! How was I to know that I Sold my soul to become a slave? Retail hell, retail hell, Oh, that damndest day When I applied for this job And sold my soul away! Oh! Retail hell, retail hell, Run the fuck away! How was I to know that I Sold my soul to become a slave? Retail hell, retail hell,... Continue reading
Posted yesterday at Retail Hell Underground
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This story was originally posted on: March 21, 2011 ------------------------- From: Mouse Mastered Holy cow guys. For those of you not on facebook/my aim buddy list, I didn't die. I... well, I honestly haven't had anything to complain about in a long time. I left the old restaurant (THANK GOD) and now work in a group of smaller restaurants in Fantasyland and Tomorrowland. I mostly work at the fantasyland locations, and everything has been going great. The managers are awesome for the most part, most of my coworkers and supervisors and laid back and easy to talk to, and everything's just chill. It's like I get to be the Dude and abide while at work, rather than dealing with all the shenanigan's of the last place. That being said, there is ONE person that I absolutely DO NOT get along with at this place. We'll call her Bathroom Break, since her given nickname at work is the code for that (also a character from Naruto, but I digress). She's, quite honestly, the meanest, rudest individual I've ever had to work with. She takes her sweet time doing EVERYTHING, she's only about half a step above rude to the GUESTS... it's... Continue reading
Posted yesterday at Retail Hell Underground
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This story was originally posted on: November 20, 2013 ------------------------- From: Ilia Mom's pain management doctor was pregnant, and she made sure to let us know that there would be a substitute doctor to take care of her patients during her maternity leave. So mom, being in silversmithing as a hobby, made a "baby's first bracelet" as a present for her and gave it to her on our last appointment. She started tearing up and got a big hug from mom, then excused herself to put it away. Even through the closed door, we heard the chorus of "Awwwwww!" from the other female employees in the office. We shared giggles and grins while we waited for her to return, a bit dewy-eyed still. A month later, we got to see a picture of the new baby boy when we were being tended to by the substitute. It's totally worth it to be the "Awesome Customer" whenever we can. ;) May all your customers be nice, --Ilia Continue reading
Posted yesterday at Retail Hell Underground
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From: RHUer I would say I can't believe it, but I believe just about anything now... We have achieved Valentines Day candy, folks! And we have to set it before New Years. Ahh, yes. Nothing says "I Love You" better than two-month-old candy. Apparently, we also had Easter eggs up last week until someone complained. They'll probably be back on Tuesday... Do we even remember which holiday we're approaching? Hang on, let me think.... I know it has something to do with it being WINTER... Let's see... maybe the music being piped through the speakers for the last two months is a clue-by-four... OH YEAH! CHRISTMAS! (And other holidays of course.) For Fuck's Sake, one holiday at a time! --RHUer Continue reading
Posted yesterday at Retail Hell Underground
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Sent to Dear Abby on Dec 03, 2010 DEAR ABBY: As we head toward Christmas, would you remind people to please treat others as they, themselves, would want to be treated? I work in retail, and it's amazing how many customers are rude. They don't acknowledge us, they'll talk on their cell phone throughout transactions and become angry at us if something beyond our control goes wrong. If we were to treat them this way, they would surely file a complaint against us. Abby, can you remind folks to remember what the reason for the season is, and to act toward others with kindness, patience and respect -- no matter what? -- MINDFUL IN FAIRBANKS ------------------------- DEAR MINDFUL: There is something about Christmas that can turn the most angelic individuals into gremlins. And that "something" is the pressure to buy, buy, buy -- accumulating debt that can't be repaid for months or even longer. Add to that, no place to park and long lines in understaffed malls, and the "joy" of the season can curdle into frustration. But readers, please hang onto your tempers even if those around you are losing theirs. The folks behind the counters are people, too,... Continue reading
Posted yesterday at Retail Hell Underground
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Some old press clippings, my uncle's notes, a bas-relief made out of clay. The horrors that these convey have given me much dismay. I think I'm starting to go insane. Strange nightmare images haunt my brain. I'm dreaming of a dead city Where Deep Ones swim in depths of night. Where Cthulhu's sleeping while stars go creeping Until the time they are right. I'm dreaming of a dead city With angles Euclid wouldn't know, That was build strange eons ago, and will soon come up from down below. I'm dreaming of a dead city Where Deep Ones swim in depths of night. Where Cthulhu's sleeping while stars go creeping Until the time they are right. I'm dreaming of a dark future Ruled by the Three-Lobed Burning Eye; When the Old Ones' coming in night, and you find that even death itself may die. Continue reading
Posted yesterday at Retail Hell Underground
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Every time you hear "Let It Snow" play in your Store, does it make you want to do this? Of course, it does! At least symbolically! Every year we take chainsaws to Christmas songs and massacre them. When Let It Snow plays for the zillionth fucking time over the ceiling speaker above your head, try this RHU classic. It will make you feel a whole lot better: Oh the customer at the counter is frightful She’s yelling and completely spiteful And I'm in her face all ready to blow You’re a ho! You’re a ho! You’re a ho! It doesn’t look like she’s stopping I brought some Xanax for popping This bitch is making my retail rage grow What a ho! What a ho! What a ho! When she finally stops the gripe How I’ll love pointing to the door But she’ll probably put up a fight And scream all across the store My energy is slowly dying And, my nerves, they’re still deep-frying As long as she yells at me so What a ho! What a ho! What a ho! Such a ho! Such a ho! Such a ho! If you have a Christmas Song you'd like to kill... Continue reading
Posted 2 days ago at Retail Hell Underground