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Bill
Interests: My name is Bill Mahoney, and I'd like to welcome you to Call of the Green Monster. I am a devout, lifelong Red Sox fan, and this parody site is my way of having fun with the team I love. bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
Recent Activity
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He has tried to be the voice of optimism during a dreadful season. At every turn, manager John Farrell has stuck to his belief that a Red Sox resurgence was right around the corner. But as the losses upon losses piled up, Farrell recently tried a different approach to inspire his team. "Look, I agree that we totally suck and that there's not going to be any run for this team," the skipper said, while flashing a smile. "I mean,... Continue reading
Posted Jul 14, 2014 at Call of the Green Monster
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The song blares out from the loudspeaker each time Shane Victorino (when healthy) comes to the plate. The fans sing along to Bob Marley's classic "Three Little Birds," and the catchy refrain, "every little thing's gonna be all right," echoes through the crowd. But, Call of the Green Monster has learned that Victorino has had enough of the upbeat melody. "I was injured a lot last year, and most of this year," he recently ranted. "For goodness sakes, people, stop... Continue reading
Posted Jul 8, 2014 at Call of the Green Monster
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He came to the big leagues with the highest of expectations and has fallen far short. Though his fielding has been outstanding, his hitting has been abominable. He has seemed overmatched at the plate and his strikeout rate is off the charts. Yesterday, the Red Sox discovered the real reason why. "Farrell came to me the other day and told me they found this large hole in my bat," said a visibly relieved Bradley Jr. "All this time I thought... Continue reading
Posted Jun 30, 2014 at Call of the Green Monster
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To nearly every soul in Red Sox Nation, the Bobby Valentine era was an unmitigated disaster from start to finish, with the Red Sox having their worst season in years. Valentine, now the athletic director at Sacred Heart University, managed to alienate players, fans, and media alike before being dumped for John Farrell. Farrell, of course, would lead the Red Sox to a World Series win in his first season. With the Sox now struggling mightily again, Valentine sees an... Continue reading
Posted Jun 23, 2014 at Call of the Green Monster
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When Brock Holt woke up one recent morning after another spectacular performance, he was thrilled to see his mother's name on the caller ID as his phone rang. "Hi, ma!" he said enthusiastically. "Hi, son," she replied. "You were great again last night!" "Thank, ma," he said. "Realistically speaking, son," she replied, "how long do you think this will last? How long before you're back in Pawtucket?" "You too, ma?" he said, annoyed. "Hey, I plan to be a starting... Continue reading
Posted Jun 16, 2014 at Call of the Green Monster
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Dustin Pedroia smiled as he read the text message from his wife, telling him she loved him. As he texted back a romantic reply, a weak ground ball dribbled between his legs, scoring the winning run in another Red Sox defeat. The scenario has played out far too often, and manager John Farrell intends to put a stop to it. "We all have our personal lives," he stated. "Heck, sometimes in the eighth inning my wife texts me asking me... Continue reading
Posted Jun 12, 2014 at Call of the Green Monster
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For months, fans and baseball insiders have pondered what strategy the Red Sox will use as they plan to overcome the disaster of the past year. Make a big splash by signing Josh Hamilton? Trade an established star for a phenom prospect? Stay conservative? Today, as Ben Cherington announced the signing of Mike Napoli, he also came clean on his rebuilding strategy. "We're going after every catcher we can," he said emphatically, as the Sox welcomed their fourth catcher to... Continue reading
Posted Dec 3, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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Amidst a throng of reporters in his office, embattled Sox manager Bobby Valentine said he wished to put to bed rumors that Red Sox owner John Henry is in danger of losing his job. "You can't blame John Henry for all the problems we've had this year," a pragmatic Valentine noted. "Most of our problems, but not all. Certainly Larry Lucchino, Ben Cherington, Theo Epstein, all my coaches, and the players deserve some blame as well." Valentine, however, stopped short... Continue reading
Posted Aug 8, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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While we've heard David Ortiz's recent whines about playing for the Red Sox, and reports that Chicken Man Jon Lester is miserable in Boston, Call of the Green Monster has learned that every player currently on the Red Sox roster, and the many on the disabled list, are unhappy as well. Indeed, it appears to be an epidemic. "It's like a team full of Eeyore's," said a source close to the team. "You walk into the clubhouse and it's like... Continue reading
Posted Jul 12, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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In an effort to increase the non-baseball entertainment level during Red Sox games even as "the sellout streak" goes on, the team announced yesterday that they will be offering between-innings bungee jumping from the Green Monster Seats. "I've tried it several times myself," John Henry said yesterday at the press conference, while his colleagues looked at him skeptically. "It's a feeling of euphoria the likes of which I have not felt since we came back to beat the Yankees four... Continue reading
Posted Jul 3, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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After three stellar seasons on the mound for the Red Sox, Jon Lester tailed off a bit last year, especially in the chicken-and-beer infused last months of the season. This year, Lester has for the most part been awful, causing alarm among fans who had hoped he would evolve into an elite pitcher. Instead, he seems to be going in the opposite direction. Yesterday, Lester made a plea to the fans. "I am asking the great fans of Boston to... Continue reading
Posted Jun 26, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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One would have thought it would have been a moment of supreme joy. Roger Clemens, disgraced PED user, faced perjury charges for lying to congress in his denial of using the substances. When he was acquitted earlier this week, Clemens' few supporters were joyously relieved. But when the former pitcher stood before the media, he was raging. "This is the worst possible outcome for me," a disgusted Clemens fumed. "Their final verdict is that I'm a quitter! No way, man.... Continue reading
Posted Jun 22, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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A stunning report was released yesterday by the American Association of Buttock Research that indicates that fully 28 percent of the seats at Fenway Park can cause permanent debilitating damage to the buttock region. It is thought that many of the seats can also cause back and neurological issues, though no hard scientific damage can yet prove that. "We were disturbed and saddened by the results we gathered," said Hugh Jass, president of the AABR. "The seats are so painfully... Continue reading
Posted Jun 20, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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As the Red Sox continue on their journey of mediocrity, Bobby Valentine has identified a number of areas where he would like to see changes in the team's culture. Yesterday, at a press conference, just after giving an interesting take on Italian renaissance poets, Valentine surprised the media by focusing on what he determined to be another Sox weakness. "Frankly, gentlemen, I am appalled at the lack of emotion and passion that I see from our batboys," he explained. "When... Continue reading
Posted Jun 14, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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An elated Carl Crawford met with reporters yesterday after the first day of a grueling rehab program for his injured elbow. Crawford revealed that he began by throwing a pingpong ball at a distance of ten feet. After five throws, a perspiration-drenched Crawford toweled down and gave reporters the thumbs up. "I'm really excited," Crawford said. "I was only supposed to do three throws today, but the elbow felt so good I decided to go for it and extend myself... Continue reading
Posted Jun 12, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
After another epic choke in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference finals, Lebron James was in a state of panic as he arrived in Boston to face a hostile crowd at the TD Bank Garden. "Those Boston fans are so mean to me," James whimpered. "I mean, everyone's mean to me cause I'm a collossal ego maniac who begs to be worshipped even though I never won nothing and whiz my pants in the clutch...but these guys are really mean."... Continue reading
Posted Jun 7, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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The images are forever etched in the minds of Red Sox fans. For eight years we watched Terry Francona in the dugout, stuffing his mouth with all kinds of sickening concoctions of tobacco, seeds, bubble gum, and Lord knows what else. Those days are gone now, but unfortunately traces of the past evidently remain. Call of the Green Monster has learned that Bobby Valentine has been overwhelmed by the number of previously chewed tobacco wads Francona left behind from his... Continue reading
Posted Jun 5, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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Outdoor hockey at Fenway Park has been one of the truly unique sporting events hosted in the city. Fans have delighted in not only watching the Bruins and 2010, but also numerous college and high school games. For Red Sox management the Frozen Fenway phenomenon has been a hugely profitable enterprise. Nevertheless, it still came as somewhat shocking news when the Red Sox announced yesterday that they plan to hold Frozen Fenway III...in July. "There are three days in July,... Continue reading
Posted May 31, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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Though it is the longest baseball name ever, it was still sad to hear a morose Jarrod Saltalamacchia telling the media yesterday that after two years with the Red Sox not one teammate can spell his name correctly. "It's pathetic," said the distraught catcher. "Do you know what it's like to get a Christmas card with your name mangled? I get 25 of them. And, I mean, these guys can't even come close. Most of them can't even spell Jarrod... Continue reading
Posted May 29, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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His emotion is part of who he is. Fans have grown accustomed to seeing a raging Kevin Youkilis on the field, and never is he more angry than when he is hit by a pitch, which happens with an alarming frequency. When he recently married the sister of Patriots superstar Tom Brady, some thought that an ever-elusive tranquility may come with the relationship. But when a recent Brady family get together turned ugly, Youk's rage was plain to see. The... Continue reading
Posted May 25, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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In a promotion widely hailed as a valiant first step in combating the epidemic of tooth decay among Yankees fans, the team announced today that for an upcoming game they will hand out a free official Yankees toothbrush to the first 1000 fans who have teeth. "Yeah, we'll have a few left over," said Hank Steinbrenner. "But most of our fans have at least a couple of teeth, and experts say that with regular brushing those teeth can be saved."... Continue reading
Posted May 23, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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Even while on trial for perjury, former Hall of Fame candidate Roger Clemens took the time yesterday to announce that his new children's book will be published tomorrow. "Timmy Deedle and the Big Bad Needle" tells the story of an adorable six year old Little League pitcher who appears to be washed up and in the twilight of his career. When little Timmy devotes himself to conditioning his career is rejuvenated and he reaches greater heights than ever, but then... Continue reading
Posted May 16, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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The hat was legendary for its filth. Former Red Sox outfielder Trot Nixon always wore the same hat, throughout each season, no matter how much perspiration, dirt, bacteria, or other harmful toxins stained it. So it came as little surprise to Red Sox management when yesterday, Cody Ross reached under his locker to retrieve a gumball he dropped, and pulled out Nixon's old hat. "Hey, take it easy, man, I was sleeping," said the hat, as astonished teammates staggered in... Continue reading
Posted May 15, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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It is a story that enraged Red Sox Nation. Josh Beckett, pulled from his last start due to a lat injury, and also unable to help the team during Sunday's 17 inning marathon, reportedly went golfing during an off-day when he should have been rehabbing the injury. He was subsequently shelled in his next start and booed mercilessly. But last night, as he gently dabbed at the tears in his eyes with a handkerchief, Beckett adamently denied that he was... Continue reading
Posted May 11, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster
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All the feel good momentum from the Red Sox' recent winning streak came to an abrupt stop in Kansas City Tuesday as a battle between baseball's worst teams found the pesky Royals halting the Red Sox winning streak at one. "A tough way for the streak to come to an end," said pitcher Daniel Bard. "Maybe if our manager didn't seem obsessed with leaving pitchers in the game until their arms fall off we could have extended it, but we'll... Continue reading
Posted May 9, 2012 at Call of the Green Monster