For months, fans and baseball insiders have pondered what strategy the Red Sox will use as they plan to overcome the disaster of the past year. Make a big splash by signing Josh Hamilton? Trade an established star for a phenom prospect? Stay conservative? Today, as Ben Cherington announced the signing of Mike Napoli, he also came clean on his rebuilding strategy. "We're going after every catcher we can," he said emphatically, as the Sox welcomed their fourth catcher to... Continue reading

Amidst a throng of reporters in his office, embattled Sox manager Bobby Valentine said he wished to put to bed rumors that Red Sox owner John Henry is in danger of losing his job. "You can't blame John Henry for all the problems we've had this year," a pragmatic Valentine noted. "Most of our problems, but not all. Certainly Larry Lucchino, Ben Cherington, Theo Epstein, all my coaches, and the players deserve some blame as well." Valentine, however, stopped short... Continue reading

While we've heard David Ortiz's recent whines about playing for the Red Sox, and reports that Chicken Man Jon Lester is miserable in Boston, Call of the Green Monster has learned that every player currently on the Red Sox roster, and the many on the disabled list, are unhappy as well. Indeed, it appears to be an epidemic. "It's like a team full of Eeyore's," said a source close to the team. "You walk into the clubhouse and it's like... Continue reading

In an effort to increase the non-baseball entertainment level during Red Sox games even as "the sellout streak" goes on, the team announced yesterday that they will be offering between-innings bungee jumping from the Green Monster Seats. "I've tried it several times myself," John Henry said yesterday at the press conference, while his colleagues looked at him skeptically. "It's a feeling of euphoria the likes of which I have not felt since we came back to beat the Yankees four... Continue reading

After three stellar seasons on the mound for the Red Sox, Jon Lester tailed off a bit last year, especially in the chicken-and-beer infused last months of the season. This year, Lester has for the most part been awful, causing alarm among fans who had hoped he would evolve into an elite pitcher. Instead, he seems to be going in the opposite direction. Yesterday, Lester made a plea to the fans. "I am asking the great fans of Boston to... Continue reading

One would have thought it would have been a moment of supreme joy. Roger Clemens, disgraced PED user, faced perjury charges for lying to congress in his denial of using the substances. When he was acquitted earlier this week, Clemens' few supporters were joyously relieved. But when the former pitcher stood before the media, he was raging. "This is the worst possible outcome for me," a disgusted Clemens fumed. "Their final verdict is that I'm a quitter! No way, man.... Continue reading

A stunning report was released yesterday by the American Association of Buttock Research that indicates that fully 28 percent of the seats at Fenway Park can cause permanent debilitating damage to the buttock region. It is thought that many of the seats can also cause back and neurological issues, though no hard scientific damage can yet prove that. "We were disturbed and saddened by the results we gathered," said Hugh Jass, president of the AABR. "The seats are so painfully... Continue reading

As the Red Sox continue on their journey of mediocrity, Bobby Valentine has identified a number of areas where he would like to see changes in the team's culture. Yesterday, at a press conference, just after giving an interesting take on Italian renaissance poets, Valentine surprised the media by focusing on what he determined to be another Sox weakness. "Frankly, gentlemen, I am appalled at the lack of emotion and passion that I see from our batboys," he explained. "When... Continue reading

An elated Carl Crawford met with reporters yesterday after the first day of a grueling rehab program for his injured elbow. Crawford revealed that he began by throwing a pingpong ball at a distance of ten feet. After five throws, a perspiration-drenched Crawford toweled down and gave reporters the thumbs up. "I'm really excited," Crawford said. "I was only supposed to do three throws today, but the elbow felt so good I decided to go for it and extend myself... Continue reading

After another epic choke in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference finals, Lebron James was in a state of panic as he arrived in Boston to face a hostile crowd at the TD Bank Garden. "Those Boston fans are so mean to me," James whimpered. "I mean, everyone's mean to me cause I'm a collossal ego maniac who begs to be worshipped even though I never won nothing and whiz my pants in the clutch...but these guys are really mean."... Continue reading

The images are forever etched in the minds of Red Sox fans. For eight years we watched Terry Francona in the dugout, stuffing his mouth with all kinds of sickening concoctions of tobacco, seeds, bubble gum, and Lord knows what else. Those days are gone now, but unfortunately traces of the past evidently remain. Call of the Green Monster has learned that Bobby Valentine has been overwhelmed by the number of previously chewed tobacco wads Francona left behind from his... Continue reading

Outdoor hockey at Fenway Park has been one of the truly unique sporting events hosted in the city. Fans have delighted in not only watching the Bruins and 2010, but also numerous college and high school games. For Red Sox management the Frozen Fenway phenomenon has been a hugely profitable enterprise. Nevertheless, it still came as somewhat shocking news when the Red Sox announced yesterday that they plan to hold Frozen Fenway III...in July. "There are three days in July,... Continue reading

Though it is the longest baseball name ever, it was still sad to hear a morose Jarrod Saltalamacchia telling the media yesterday that after two years with the Red Sox not one teammate can spell his name correctly. "It's pathetic," said the distraught catcher. "Do you know what it's like to get a Christmas card with your name mangled? I get 25 of them. And, I mean, these guys can't even come close. Most of them can't even spell Jarrod... Continue reading

His emotion is part of who he is. Fans have grown accustomed to seeing a raging Kevin Youkilis on the field, and never is he more angry than when he is hit by a pitch, which happens with an alarming frequency. When he recently married the sister of Patriots superstar Tom Brady, some thought that an ever-elusive tranquility may come with the relationship. But when a recent Brady family get together turned ugly, Youk's rage was plain to see. The... Continue reading

In a promotion widely hailed as a valiant first step in combating the epidemic of tooth decay among Yankees fans, the team announced today that for an upcoming game they will hand out a free official Yankees toothbrush to the first 1000 fans who have teeth. "Yeah, we'll have a few left over," said Hank Steinbrenner. "But most of our fans have at least a couple of teeth, and experts say that with regular brushing those teeth can be saved."... Continue reading

Even while on trial for perjury, former Hall of Fame candidate Roger Clemens took the time yesterday to announce that his new children's book will be published tomorrow. "Timmy Deedle and the Big Bad Needle" tells the story of an adorable six year old Little League pitcher who appears to be washed up and in the twilight of his career. When little Timmy devotes himself to conditioning his career is rejuvenated and he reaches greater heights than ever, but then... Continue reading

The hat was legendary for its filth. Former Red Sox outfielder Trot Nixon always wore the same hat, throughout each season, no matter how much perspiration, dirt, bacteria, or other harmful toxins stained it. So it came as little surprise to Red Sox management when yesterday, Cody Ross reached under his locker to retrieve a gumball he dropped, and pulled out Nixon's old hat. "Hey, take it easy, man, I was sleeping," said the hat, as astonished teammates staggered in... Continue reading

It is a story that enraged Red Sox Nation. Josh Beckett, pulled from his last start due to a lat injury, and also unable to help the team during Sunday's 17 inning marathon, reportedly went golfing during an off-day when he should have been rehabbing the injury. He was subsequently shelled in his next start and booed mercilessly. But last night, as he gently dabbed at the tears in his eyes with a handkerchief, Beckett adamently denied that he was... Continue reading

All the feel good momentum from the Red Sox' recent winning streak came to an abrupt stop in Kansas City Tuesday as a battle between baseball's worst teams found the pesky Royals halting the Red Sox winning streak at one. "A tough way for the streak to come to an end," said pitcher Daniel Bard. "Maybe if our manager didn't seem obsessed with leaving pitchers in the game until their arms fall off we could have extended it, but we'll... Continue reading

While the vast majority of civilized human beings abhor the New York Yankees, it was still hard not to feel bad about the career-threatening injury of legendary closer Mariano Rivera. Rivera is the rarest of all creatures: A New York Yankee with some semblance of dignity. That Rivera's demise came doing something as seemingly foolish as shagging fly balls was especially painful to Yankees' fans. But apparently, the team is has not only not forbidden the practice, they are encouraging... Continue reading

He's been the bridesmaid, the beauty queen's ugly sister for years. Don Orsillo has always barely been able to mask his seething jealousy over Jerry Remy's phenomenal popularity, but he believes times may finally be changing. "Maybe I don't have a website, a restaurant, merchandise and all that crap," the bitter Orsillo said. "But I think fans may finally be seeing that I'm really the show. I'm the funny one. For instance, the whole Wally thing? My idea. And have... Continue reading

After nine years of listening to the robotic voice of Theo Epstein, a man whose expression always seemed to suggest he was battling a severe digestive disorder, Red Sox fans felt a certain relief when the GM picked up and moved on to Chicago. Sure, Epstein had done some wonderful things in Boston, and some disasterous ones as well, but what fans could always count on was his bloodless, humorless, thoroughly boring persona. But after a thorough investigation through sources... Continue reading

The string of bad luck for outfielder Carl Crawford continues. Amidst reports that his elbow--the injury preceeded by his hamstrings woes and wrist problems--may keep him out for months, Crawford yesterday reported soreness in his ankle, finger, toe, and neck. "There's also something going on with my ear, yo," said a discouraged Crawford, while twisting his pinkie in his left ear. "But they tell me that's just earwax, and hell, that I can play through. I also had the hiccups,... Continue reading

It is one of the more embarrassing traditions of Fenway Park. Decades after it long went out of fashion, clueless fans continue to do "The Wave" during games. While Sox ownership has privately expressed their dismay, Call of the Green Monster has learned that a secret plan is in place to deal with the problem. A tape from a recording device placed in Larry Lucchino's office indicates that the Sox worked during the recent roadtrip to install devices on each... Continue reading

After suffering the most humiliating loss in the history of his ownership, John Henry was dreading the thought of his team taking another pounding at the hands of the dreaded New York Yankees. The owner decided to call on this self-proclamined mystical abilities to perform a rain dance on the field the morning of the scheduled night game. Wearing a scanty outfit of feathers and turquoise, meant to symbolize the wind and rain respectively, Henry said he received his training... Continue reading