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clinton gandy
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I know, that I cannot shove a dvd into a VHS player and expect to be able to watch the movie on the DVD, but can i say the VHS did the best it could? I don't really know. My dad and I have no relationship. It got worse when he divorced my mom to marry her best friend of 30 years. It blew the lid off on my repressed rage at him for not trying to know me. He is a simple farmer/blue collar man who doesn't really question the big meanings of life. He was a great provider. I did not know the power could be cut off if you didn't pay the bill, we had too much to eat and I always had a car to drive. The money stuff was taken care of. I'll even give him some credit that after discovering his little boy was from another planet compared to the only world he knew of, he still provided. He didn't however bother to figure out some way to bridge the gap. Neither of my parents really saw me. They didn't see that I was so terrified that I couldn't sleep at night or that I had created a double life of trying to be what they wanted and in secret stolen moments was able to be myself. I have a hard time saying I DID the best I could do with what I had. Maybe when I find an acceptable amount of self forgiveness I can believe they too did their best. For now, it is lip service and willingness on my part. The willingness to do will provide the ability to do. The kicker is, had I not been raised in terror (afraid of everything and everyone) and if I had not been so lonely and sad, I wouldn't have my very VERY real capacity to love others who are affected with fear, sadness and loneliness. My greast life long pain actually has given me my greatest strength or "super power", which is compassion, tolerance and patience. If I don't know how to do something or approach something I start digging and researching for solution. My parents didn't do that. They just accepted their short comings and hoped. They hoped they had done enough to make a successful adult, sadly they didn't. I've earned my place here all on my own, but I am better for the lack of comfort I got as a kid. If I hold on to resentments it is like "me drinking poison expecting them to die". I let go of it 20 times a day sometimes and I believe that one day, forgiveness with stick.
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Feb 21, 2011