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Skippy
Australia
Recent Activity
It was a relief to read your blog. I have had too many rage quits online. Including Stack Exchange, but fortunately I came back, thanks to the kindness of one person, who has pointed me to your blogs before. I stumbled upon this one though. My husband suicided 10 years ago, when I was on chemo and desperately ill, leaving me with 3 young children. I have an incurable, disabling, life threatening illness (and I suffer physically most of the time). There's not a month that will go by when I don't feel like killing myself. The thing that stops me, is my children. I care more about their happiness than my misery. In the past ten years, I have been dragged into court many times. People get greedy when someone dies. I also got dragged through the court by our Government. It was shocking. Ultimately it cost me half a million dollars, it would have cost the Government in excess of one million dollars (with all the associated costs to the case). I won my case.. Yes, sometimes justice is served. BUT this has left me a broken woman. I feel like a leper. My reputation is gone, I've been stigmatized.. Although I won my case, the reasons (it was not criminal, it was civil but life shattering) for the case, I cannot even mention here, as people have been so savage and vitriolic and used it against me and my family. Much as my husband's suicide has been used as a weapon to socially ostracize us at times. I have starting learning programming in my mid 40s. I regularly despair that I will be a competent programmer before I die.. as living with diffuse scleroderma, it's always stressful and I'm mindful, I have this illness that is always trying to kill me. I've been hospitalised more than 100 times (most of these were for day infusions, so I didn't stay overnight), but there were many ambulance tripe, surgery.. I am often miserable, as my gut is damaged and doesn't move, so I am living with the (almost daily) discomfort of having semi to fully impacted bowel and it is extremely depressing. That and my muscles have been affected on and off over the years by a severe polymyositis. I say this, as I feel daily shame about who I am and feel like a worthless, lower rung member of humanity. It's been gutting. The most disappointing thing has been the face of humanity my children and I have been exposed to being vulnerable. The bad experiences have left a foul taste in my mouth. Funny, my husband's family call me a murderer and blame me for his suicide... Yet I have been pushed to the far edges and who would be to blame if I was to suicide - well I think it would be me.. And in spite of the garbage we inherited as a result of my husband's suicide.. I was left holding the baby (actually my muscles were too wasted to carry my children)... I am one of he most determined people I know. So within my misery of this past decade.. I still stumble through each day and have these vague hopes in the back of my mind that it will improve, despite my despair.
Toggle Commented Oct 22, 2013 on The End of Ragequitting at Coding Horror
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Oct 22, 2013