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Amanda P. Westmont
Recent Activity
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When a client asked me for the date earlier today I realized it was the 12 year anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery. So happy surgiversary to me? I guess? I continue to feel vapid every time I talk about... Continue reading
Posted Aug 8, 2014 at Mandajuice
This morning I opened up a long lost book of Billy Collins poetry and out popped this roughly scribbled poem I'd written on the back of a paystub two years ago. I don't remember writing it, but I thought it... Continue reading
Posted Jul 8, 2014 at Mandajuice
lksdjfasdkjfk Continue reading
Posted Jun 20, 2014 at Church of Brunch
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You know how when you're playing Wii and you can create your own Mii people? You can add facial features and hair color and mustachios? All the Mii's just sit there chilling in a line on the home screen, right?... Continue reading
Posted May 14, 2014 at Mandajuice
Yesterday I was in the shower when it occurred to me (stay with me here) how much I LOVE my breasts. They're probably the only part of me I will brandish willy nilly with nary a regret. I'm proud of... Continue reading
Posted Mar 30, 2014 at Mandajuice
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Sorry for the hiatus, you guys! Feel free to blame my favorite distractions at the moment - stand-up comedy and Sunday brunch, two things I've committed myself to doing WEEKLY for the duration of 2014. Posting may continue to be... Continue reading
Posted Mar 12, 2014 at Mandajuice
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Wow. Best explanation of ethical slutiness ever. I fall into many of these categories, unashamedly. I'm also not as think as you slutty I am. Continue reading
Posted Jan 27, 2014 at Mandajuice
Tuesday I'm pretty sure I experienced the full range of human emotions. I started the day to the tune of a much-discussed sex alarm (you know what I'm talking about, right? The alarm you set extra early because you know... Continue reading
Posted Jan 16, 2014 at Mandajuice
Tonight Genoa and I made tortilla pizzas with tomato butter sauce, fresh mozarella and honey-smoked deli ham. And as I was buttering her tortillas to make them crisp before adding the sauce, Patrick snuck into the house and surprised me... Continue reading
Posted Jan 10, 2014 at Mandajuice
1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before? I hugged a tree. I ran a half marathon. Or three. I fell in love with a forest. And a bridge. And a town. I wrote and performed... Continue reading
Posted Jan 2, 2014 at Mandajuice
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I don't have my kids on Thanksgiving. Ever. Because holidays dedicated 100% to gluttony are simply not my thing. Never will be. As much as I love to cook, I HATE the traditional meals. I don't like how they taste... Continue reading
Posted Nov 29, 2013 at Mandajuice
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One of the things I'm learning in my stand-up class is just how alternative my lifestyle really is. I'll get up in front of the mic and do a bit about vagina waxing, then one about how all my boyfriends... Continue reading
Posted Nov 19, 2013 at Mandajuice
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Still sober! And as disappointing as it will be for my many readers who think I'm a Stark Raving Alcoholic Who Will Eventually Crash and Burn in Denial and End Up in a 12-Step Program, it is still one of... Continue reading
Posted Nov 10, 2013 at Mandajuice
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An alcoholic, apparently. At least as defined by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism [NIAAA], who applies that label to women whose "alcohol consumption exceeds 7 standard drinks per week or 3 drinks per day." No one ever... Continue reading
Posted Nov 4, 2013 at Mandajuice
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The first House of Hijinks Halloween was pretty rad, not gonna lie, but I was too busy partying to document the party itself. My bad! I didn't get a single photo of Alex in his Phantom Grim Reaper costume, which... Continue reading
Posted Nov 2, 2013 at Mandajuice
October is almost over and I plan to say goodbye to it with a bang because it's been my favorite month ever. Let's see, there was DISNEYFUCKINGLAND with my son. Which was the most fun the two of us have... Continue reading
Posted Oct 31, 2013 at Mandajuice
Ten years ago I met my first kid. He was pretty rad. He still is. There must be something magic about double-digits because this morning Alex set his own alarm? And by the time I was just stumbling into the... Continue reading
Posted Oct 2, 2013 at Mandajuice
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A friend recently told me that if she didn't know me in real life and only read my blog, she would agree with the rest of the Internet and assume I was bipolar. Perhaps she makes a good point? Apparently... Continue reading
Posted Sep 23, 2013 at Mandajuice
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In the forest each footfall is a dichotomy. I hate this / I love this. I'm weak / I'm strong. I'm struggling /I'm flying. I'm sobbing / I'm giggling. I'm hurting /I'm high. Mostly, though, I'm free. No one on... Continue reading
Posted Sep 12, 2013 at Mandajuice
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A few weeks ago I was driving with Genoa when she got all metaphysical from the backseat. "MOMMY! Set your phone! In two minutes it's going to be THE FUTURE!" I REALLY hated to burst my girl's bubble, but I... Continue reading
Posted Sep 5, 2013 at Mandajuice
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I leave for the airport in less than six hours, but I haven't updated in so long that y'all are just gonna have to git what you git and not throw a fit. 1. House of Hijinx continues to fill... Continue reading
Posted Aug 23, 2013 at Mandajuice
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I said goodbye to the farm Saturday and I'm only now recovering. It turned out to be less sad and more of a HUGE pain in the ass. So much work, you guys, you have no idea. Once Joel moved... Continue reading
Posted Aug 13, 2013 at Mandajuice
My stress level is not a happy camper lately. I move out in less than a week. I run a half marathon the following weekend. I'm behind on my training. My garage sale was a bust. I have too much... Continue reading
Posted Jul 31, 2013 at Mandajuice
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I totally survived the camping trip! Actually, I loved it and can't wait to do it again. The only thing I forgot to bring was an eye-mask so I could sleep in. The sun comes up pretty damn early in... Continue reading
Posted Jul 24, 2013 at Mandajuice
I just wrote that title because I was thinking about summer, but instead I'm thinking about Harry and how much I miss that sweet, perfect, magnificent dog. My house just isn't the same without him. Le sigh. Also - I... Continue reading
Posted Jul 19, 2013 at Mandajuice