I wept on my walk to the Metro station, lugging my small suitcase behind me, my eyes hidden by sunglasses only slightly out of place amongst early morning commuters. There was nothing extraordinary about the last few days, at least to an outsider anyway, that would necessarily warrant tears. I'm not quite sure whether it's the number of kids I have or the number I scrawl on the doctor forms next to the age question that has made me content with simplicity but its siren call is hard to ignore. The hot cup of coffee while still sitting in bed.... Continue reading

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I wouldn't stop singing Lumineers. PS. It's not my fault they keep playing that stupid song over and over again. I didn't like the broccoli. Does anyone actually like the broccoli? I peed on the floor. Again. Which is usually what happens when you don't put a diaper on me. Again. I let the dog out. I was just doing what the song said. I needed more water at bedtime. Next time lay off the salt on the broccoli, 'kay? I have no fucking idea. I said "fucking." I keep taking photos of her yelling. Touche' Continue reading

I did what I usually do when my kids do something silly: I snapped a quick video and popped it in a text message to my dear friend, a small consolation for raising my kids away from someone I consider to be my sister. Their aunt. I giggled at her response, but was then looked up from my phone to see a look of surprise on my daughter's face. "Did you just send that video to someone?" she asked. And then it hit me that she's almost nine, not nine months, sometimes a surprisingly hard distinction not due to her... Continue reading

Every now and then the bouts of anxiety can be a good thing, like when it sends you straight to the dermatologist for a skin check. I could have sworn that the freckle on my arm was growing and raised and after Googling images and crying my eyes out, I just made an appointment. Turns out that wasn't the one I should have been worried about. The one on my leg was questionable, but turned out to be fine after they removed it (and the one that was bugging me on my arm). The exam was free. The removals were... Continue reading

Since I seem to pop out babies every couple of years, it probably wasn't a surprise when my oldest asked me when the next baby would be arriving. I think I may have permanently scarred her with the look of horror on my face. But apparently she wasn't the only one in the house with the baby bug, which isn't exactly how my husband started out his email about why he really wanted a dog. This was after a whole "Hey surprise I bought a dog!" followed by my rage then a "just kidding but I really do want one... Continue reading

I've been off pretty much all refined sugar and grains of any kind since I tried and subsequently ditched Wellbutrin a few months ago. {Photo of crack. I mean, sugar. Same difference?} Yes, I needed to lose some pounds, but really I wanted to lose the "I'm an extraordinary asshole" couple of weeks that would occur in relation to PMS and Ovulation or just being a 30-something woman apparently. I ain't gonna lie. The first few days were hard. As in "rabid animal about to tear shit up for some fucking cookies" hard. It didn't help that I wasn't eating... Continue reading

I have a strict no-cartoon adult show personal policy, which is why I'd suck at The Simpsons trivia. It's also why I had no idea who Seth MacFarlane was last night other than a dead ringer for Peter Brady. The Family Guy! Ted! I admit I was uncomfortable after the first joke he made about Ben Affleck's Best Director nomination snub, but then came the Boob Song and the "Aren't you glad you got the flu so you could fit in those dresses?" "jokes" and all I wanted was for the Jaws music to start playing for him any time... Continue reading

Apparently yesterday was "Something for Nothing" Day at work because I was bombarded with various emails with all the same sort of offer: You write X, X, and X, Tweet X, and Share Photos of X and we will give you NOT ENOUGH Xs. There's the offer to give a client a complimentary high-priced ad placement for a certain amount of giveaway items, which is met with "Sure, but we'd like XXXXXXXX" (translation: 20x the amount of the giveaway items we're asking for which was 20x less than the cost of that spot, by the way). My favorite is "WHAT... Continue reading

Last night I was trying to adjust the rearview mirror in my husband's car and I accidentally called OnStar. I was looking for the button tab thing that you just flip, but he has a fancy new car with the mirrors that are supposed to automatically change or something but they didn't and instead of pulling the tab or just, you know, adjusting the entire mirror, I pushed the OnStar button. I then pushed it a few hundred more times to get it to stop ringing but it was too late and suddenly I was talking to a perky lady... Continue reading

One of the great pleasures of visiting New York, other that sushi delivery, is that I get to see two of my most favorite people in the whole world: Liz's girls. "You have six kids now!" they giggled, after we had finished a rousing game of apartment ball toss (which involves bouncing a small ball and catching it with your feet while you're sitting in a chair, if you're wondering). You would think that with four kids at home, I'd want to hide myself away in a quiet corner somewhere so I could hear my own thoughts. But that's not... Continue reading

Last month, after feeling like I was spending all my idle time being a voyeur in other peoples' lives, I made the decision to delete the Facebook app off my iPhone and ditch Instagram. Part of it comes from having a bit of social media overload since it's what I do for a living. But another part was this notion that the lives of everyone else just weren't as important as my own. At face value I suppose that sounds selfish. But when you really think about it, you're sifting through the constant cascade of mostly meaningless information and weird... Continue reading

Now this is my kind of Pinterest. More to come! {A little help from Julie Marsh} Continue reading

I'd like to think that after parenting for almost nine years now, I've grown a pretty thick skin, but then it happens and I just want to go over to the stupid TSA lady and her mean glare to tell her why my 2-year old is still drinking out of a bottle. As if she really gives a shit. Or if I really give a shit. At least it wasn't a bottle of Jack. I'm the first to admit that I've dished out my own fair share of judgments, in weird glances and snooty blog posts, because I'm human and... Continue reading

I still remember when I attended a girls in science day at the local community college as a teen and they handed me a button that said $.68. I'd like to think that the pure absurdity of such a fact was the reason why it never fully hit me until much later in my life, when I pulled the shield of internalized misogyny off and allowed myself to be penetrated with what it's like to be a woman today, in what is heralded as a forward-thinking society. We carry and bear the children who become the game changers, the law... Continue reading

As a stage performer, musician, dancer, and a public speaker, you can probably guess how many times I've heard the "just visualize the audience in their underwear" tidbit. Because imagining people in their boxers and granny panties is supposed to be so hilarious that you'll somehow forget that you're on stage and need to remember a whole shit ton of lines and musical notes. Yeah, never quite worked for me. But now that I have two anxious children, and a therapist on retainer (or so it seems), I've been learning all sorts of strategies to deal with anxiety that I'd... Continue reading

I was all excited when the kids chose Eric Carle's "Draw me a Star" for their bedtime story until I got to the part where the man and woman were drawn, naked of course, at which point all hell broke loose. "I can see her vagina!" Margot giggled. "That it so yucky!" my son said, pointing the the shape of the man's penis which really looked like a small, sharp triangle dangling between his legs. Dangerous, perhaps. But not yucky. So, I took a deep breath, gave the warning look to my husband which generally says "pop the ear plugs... Continue reading

I spent the last week in a house full of girls while my husband and son enjoyed a surprise birthday ski trip. It all ended well, thankfully, but I wasn't sure they would actually make it onto the plane given the series of "I don't want to go waaaaah sniffle" phone calls from the aiport and then a lost Nintendo DS game cover (and a couple of games) which caused more waaaaahs and sniffles. You'd think by now we'd learn not to give the anxious kid a series of surprises that while awesome in our minds are like smacking him... Continue reading

I still remember the day I got my very first report card in the first grade and my teacher called them out last name first. "CHASE, KRISTEN" she yelled. "CHASE KRISTEN!!!" some idiot in the back of the room screamed, and thus began a new game at recess. I was devastated with my horrible last name for about a week until the kids figured out another game to play and the silly game played at my expense was yesterday's new. Turns out Quinlan is getting her own fair share of giggles at the expense of her unique name, as she... Continue reading

To be fair, I was completely exhausted and probably a bit hungover after a few days of walking, gambling and boozing in Las Vegas, about to board a red-eye flight home. I was also still a little riled up from a few ridiculously sexist interactions at CES 2013 that Liz and I had experienced. Which is why it's a miracle I didn't go completely male flight attendant who called me "sweetheart" when I tried to get my small, undersized carry-on on the plane. And no, it wasn't a nice "sweetheart" or a loving "sweetheart" it was a "Hey, you stupid... Continue reading

When you walk around with your ankles shackled by anxiety on a regular basis, your mind can get trapped on a merry-go-round of crazy thoughts. But every now and then I can them, like the persistent one in which I convince myself that I'm going to die young, and turn it into a brilliant idea. Now the skin mole check, or whatever that unsexy exam where they mark all your freckles and moles on a paper and then scrape a few off with a razor is called, wasn't necessarily brilliant, but it was a smart idea. And phew, all clear.... Continue reading

The earliest memory I have of my dad is him choking me up against a wall at a train station. The last time I saw him, he slapped me across the face. His memory barely survives anymore, but still haunts me, when I tell the crazy story once every few years to an inquiring mind, or when my mother reminds me how I'm just like him when I clean out her house, the fire in her words fueled by her own childhood and domestic abuse, along with grief for a dead child. You can't escape a family like that without... Continue reading

Maybe it's because I'm pretty sure I'm an atheist. Or that my husband has been away every single Christmas for the last six years. But more and more I feel like the New Year is my biggest holiday of the year. There's a drive inside me to clean up and clear out the closets, the cabinets, and yes, the cubby holes in my mind (and heart) still carrying the crap from the year before. I can't quite say how long they'll all stay so organized and empty, but the possibility that comes with January 1 brings me more hope than... Continue reading

After the whole Wellbutrin fail and my first post IUD period right around the corner, (or uh, official one, since yeah, me and pantyliners are like THIS nowadays), I was pretty much willing to try anything to avoid yet another two weeks in asshole town. And so I decided to cut out carbs, sugar, and booze. I realize this sounds completely counterintuitive because really, after some tough times with my oldest daughter sending us back to therapy and Sandy Hook, the natural tendency for most humans is to eat and drink large amounts of unhealthy things. Now I'm not following... Continue reading