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Motherhooduncensored
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The whole "18 Summers" thing has completely wrecked my parenting. You know, the "you've only got them for this long until they leave the nest and you're miserable so get off your fucking phone and play with them DAMNIT" thing. I can't be the only one who thinks that whenever anyone says something like that. You only have 18 summers, you know or soon they'll be driving you around or I miss when they were small and making gigantic messes with LEGOs. Seriously, someone actually said that to me and I wanted to make him walk through my playroom barefoot... Continue reading
Posted Aug 12, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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My littlest one has never really liked wearing shoes, but lately, she's been taking them off in public. And then refusing to put them back on. This is fine if you're at, say, the beach. Or, a grassy knoll. But in the middle of a store, the library, or A PUBLIC RESTROOM, it's ridiculously annoying. Gross, even. I go from "put your shoes on please," to counting, to forcing them on her feet at which point she screams like I'm cutting off her pinky finger and then proceeds to just toss them off again. I carried her out of one... Continue reading
Posted Aug 6, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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I try to take the questionable language my kids sometimes use in stride. So while a fresh, sassy mouth will get you a quick send-off to the corner, a random "sucks" or "what the hell" doesn't really bother me. Oh I still pop right up on my soapbox with a "those are adult words" and a "we don't say these to the neighbor kids PLEASE" talk, but then get sent on their merry way. I figure that so long as they can keep it in our house, or if they're a bit more unsavory in their rooms, we're all good.... Continue reading
Posted Jul 30, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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Last night I decided it might be fun to go out to dinner at Wegman's, followed by Sports Authority and then Home Depot, which is not something out of the ordinary for people with no children, but generally not for people with children, let alone had FOUR OF THEM. Maybe it's the cheese steaks and WAWA coffee taking over my brain because there's just no good that can come out of that whatsoever. But at dinner time? On a Friday? The last attempt at Wegman's alone with four kids a few days ago ended with me doing the "you stand... Continue reading
Posted Jul 27, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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There's a dark green carpet in my new family room that is already my nemesis. I suppose any color carpet and four kids is a terrible combination, like beer and tequila and that one night at the dance club 15 years ago. I have yet to crack the code of the thermostat, which thankfully was stuck on cold and not off (says she who decided to move on the hottest day of the year). Though it would be nice to know that when I put it on auto cool, that doesn't mean on heat. But hey, it's still more predictable... Continue reading
Posted Jul 23, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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I interrupt the massive unpacking in 2910 degree heat (because, hey, why not move on the HOTTEST week in history, or something like that) to tell you about a cool thing from my sponsor Happy Family. Remember that funny video I did? Or really, they did where I just said a few things and waved my arms around? Well, apparently YOU can submit your own photo or video and possibly win $20,000 towards your kid's education. I will not say how much that will actually get you these days *coughtextbookscough* but dude, it's $20,000 which ain't too shabby. Actually, it's... Continue reading
Posted Jul 19, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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We've lived in Atlanta for almost seven years now, arriving back in 2007 in the middle of a southern summer, with a toddler and baby who couldn't even crawl, thrilled to be escaping my in-laws' house for one of our very own. Now there are four kids, with needs beyond what can be offered to them here. The schools we like and believe are best for our children cost money, and the choice between kindergarten and college, well, seems a bit ridiculous. My work (and the opportunity for more) takes me more frequently to New York these days, most of... Continue reading
Posted Jul 17, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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A long time ago, I discovered that I could get Drew to eat vegetables if I lied. Well, not completely lying. I call it being "creative." And really, let's be honest here. The Jedis could have actually been sucking down green and white cauliflower in their bowls. Who really knows? So when Happy Family asked me to be one of their Bright Side bloggers and share a funny story about getting my kids to eat, I knew exactly which one it would be. But then the whole "STAR WARS" and "JEDI" thing was a little bit of a problem (oh... Continue reading
Posted Jul 10, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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This is how my daughter looked when I started writing this blog, just under eight years ago. When I was still reeling over the shock of a baby. ONE TINY BABY. Oh WOE IS ME she won't sleep and OUCH MY BOOBS and wow this one kid is SO HARD HOLY CRAP. (Yes, I just paraphrased 8 years of a blog into one run-on sentence) This is what she looks like now, on her ninth birthday. NINE. As in 9. The #9. The number before 10: Which is to say WHOOP, she's healthy and smiling and pretty damn cute. And... Continue reading
Posted Jul 7, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
The beach and I are synced up like high school girls apparently because everytime I go, I have my period. The IUD has already caused enough interesting issues with that time of the month (said "ISSSSUUUUSEZ" like the British for full effect), but the sea water and sand well they just add to the overall discomfort that's almost as bad as the post-birth giant pad in mesh underpants. Actually, I was probably walking like that after two hours of sitting in the sand. All this wouldn't be so bad if I was lounging happily on a shaded chair with a... Continue reading
Posted Jun 18, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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If you haven't actually clicked through to my blog lately, then you might not know that I have a completely new design, which is basically no design. No fancy banner! No flashing ads! Just my words. Or, lately, my infrequently written words. (Hey, life! Funny how that happens!). But I do feel fortunate that after this long blogging road I can turn all the fancy buttons off and make this space what I always wanted it to be. That also means if something comes along, I can turn the fancy buttons back on. Especially when it's a company I love... Continue reading
Posted Jun 17, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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Those long, painful sleepless nights are mostly blurry these days, with my littlest now nearly three, tucked each night in her toddler bed. What I do remember is the distinct feeling of claustrophobia, from all the holding and rocking and not-co-sleeping, sometimes with a baby literally attached to me. I just wanted to breathe and sleep without a teeny heel stuck in my side or a sweaty head firmly planted in the crook of my arm. At first my brain had a hard time processing the longing in my heart to have them back snuggled up next to me, their... Continue reading
Posted May 30, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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I wept on my walk to the Metro station, lugging my small suitcase behind me, my eyes hidden by sunglasses only slightly out of place amongst early morning commuters. There was nothing extraordinary about the last few days, at least to an outsider anyway, that would necessarily warrant tears. I'm not quite sure whether it's the number of kids I have or the number I scrawl on the doctor forms next to the age question that has made me content with simplicity but its siren call is hard to ignore. The hot cup of coffee while still sitting in bed.... Continue reading
Posted May 7, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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This blog does not share personal information with third parties nor do we store any information about your visit to this blog other than to analyze and optimize your content and reading experience through the use of cookies. You can turn off the use of cookies at anytime by changing your specific browser settings. We are not responsible for republished content from this blog on other blogs or websites without our permission. This privacy policy is subject to change without notice and was last updated on January 1, 2013. If you have any questions feel free to contact me directly... Continue reading
Posted Apr 22, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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I wouldn't stop singing Lumineers. PS. It's not my fault they keep playing that stupid song over and over again. I didn't like the broccoli. Does anyone actually like the broccoli? I peed on the floor. Again. Which is usually what happens when you don't put a diaper on me. Again. I let the dog out. I was just doing what the song said. I needed more water at bedtime. Next time lay off the salt on the broccoli, 'kay? I have no fucking idea. I said "fucking." I keep taking photos of her yelling. Touche' Continue reading
Posted Apr 11, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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I did what I usually do when my kids do something silly: I snapped a quick video and popped it in a text message to my dear friend, a small consolation for raising my kids away from someone I consider to be my sister. Their aunt. I giggled at her response, but was then looked up from my phone to see a look of surprise on my daughter's face. "Did you just send that video to someone?" she asked. And then it hit me that she's almost nine, not nine months, sometimes a surprisingly hard distinction not due to her... Continue reading
Posted Apr 8, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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Every now and then the bouts of anxiety can be a good thing, like when it sends you straight to the dermatologist for a skin check. I could have sworn that the freckle on my arm was growing and raised and after Googling images and crying my eyes out, I just made an appointment. Turns out that wasn't the one I should have been worried about. The one on my leg was questionable, but turned out to be fine after they removed it (and the one that was bugging me on my arm). The exam was free. The removals were... Continue reading
Posted Apr 1, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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Since I seem to pop out babies every couple of years, it probably wasn't a surprise when my oldest asked me when the next baby would be arriving. I think I may have permanently scarred her with the look of horror on my face. But apparently she wasn't the only one in the house with the baby bug, which isn't exactly how my husband started out his email about why he really wanted a dog. This was after a whole "Hey surprise I bought a dog!" followed by my rage then a "just kidding but I really do want one... Continue reading
Posted Mar 19, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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I've been off pretty much all refined sugar and grains of any kind since I tried and subsequently ditched Wellbutrin a few months ago. {Photo of crack. I mean, sugar. Same difference?} Yes, I needed to lose some pounds, but really I wanted to lose the "I'm an extraordinary asshole" couple of weeks that would occur in relation to PMS and Ovulation or just being a 30-something woman apparently. I ain't gonna lie. The first few days were hard. As in "rabid animal about to tear shit up for some fucking cookies" hard. It didn't help that I wasn't eating... Continue reading
Posted Mar 6, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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I have a strict no-cartoon adult show personal policy, which is why I'd suck at The Simpsons trivia. It's also why I had no idea who Seth MacFarlane was last night other than a dead ringer for Peter Brady. The Family Guy! Ted! I admit I was uncomfortable after the first joke he made about Ben Affleck's Best Director nomination snub, but then came the Boob Song and the "Aren't you glad you got the flu so you could fit in those dresses?" "jokes" and all I wanted was for the Jaws music to start playing for him any time... Continue reading
Posted Feb 25, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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Apparently yesterday was "Something for Nothing" Day at work because I was bombarded with various emails with all the same sort of offer: You write X, X, and X, Tweet X, and Share Photos of X and we will give you NOT ENOUGH Xs. There's the offer to give a client a complimentary high-priced ad placement for a certain amount of giveaway items, which is met with "Sure, but we'd like XXXXXXXX" (translation: 20x the amount of the giveaway items we're asking for which was 20x less than the cost of that spot, by the way). My favorite is "WHAT... Continue reading
Posted Feb 22, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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Last night I was trying to adjust the rearview mirror in my husband's car and I accidentally called OnStar. I was looking for the button tab thing that you just flip, but he has a fancy new car with the mirrors that are supposed to automatically change or something but they didn't and instead of pulling the tab or just, you know, adjusting the entire mirror, I pushed the OnStar button. I then pushed it a few hundred more times to get it to stop ringing but it was too late and suddenly I was talking to a perky lady... Continue reading
Posted Feb 21, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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One of the great pleasures of visiting New York, other that sushi delivery, is that I get to see two of my most favorite people in the whole world: Liz's girls. "You have six kids now!" they giggled, after we had finished a rousing game of apartment ball toss (which involves bouncing a small ball and catching it with your feet while you're sitting in a chair, if you're wondering). You would think that with four kids at home, I'd want to hide myself away in a quiet corner somewhere so I could hear my own thoughts. But that's not... Continue reading
Posted Feb 20, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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Last month, after feeling like I was spending all my idle time being a voyeur in other peoples' lives, I made the decision to delete the Facebook app off my iPhone and ditch Instagram. Part of it comes from having a bit of social media overload since it's what I do for a living. But another part was this notion that the lives of everyone else just weren't as important as my own. At face value I suppose that sounds selfish. But when you really think about it, you're sifting through the constant cascade of mostly meaningless information and weird... Continue reading
Posted Feb 12, 2013 at Motherhood Uncensored
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