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Down the Rabbit Hole
Muchness, Music, and Mayhem
Interests: Music, reading, lots of time at the gym, glitter, shoes, and whatever my kids are into
Recent Activity
Stephanie discusses Internal Family Systems. "The goal of IFS is to allow the Self to access and connect to each subpart, healing them one by one. Thus, the Self leads the other parts in harmony and health. We become a whole, heathy person, rather than an amalgam of these smaller bits that exhaust themselves fighting to maintain a losing battle." Continue reading
Posted 3 days ago at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses her lack of trust. "Maybe in the end it’s not just that I don’t trust others. I don’t trust myself. I adopted those skewed perceptions, and I’m no good to anyone until I can unravel that mess of barbed wire. But I am truly afraid I will weave into some kind of armor to keep others at a distance—including myself." Continue reading
Posted 6 days ago at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses grieving her relationship. "But it’s going to hurt as long as it hurts. For me to feel nothing after a month, in the aftermath of a three-year relationship, would be unhealthy in its own way. I never wanted this break-up. I wanted to fulfill those promises of the rest our lives. It will take time to find peace in the acceptance of what we lost." Continue reading
Posted Sep 17, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses the aftermath of Rango."So for now, for the foreseeable future, it will just be me and my young men. I’m not remotely interested in dating again. I’ll say maybe ever, but I understand the statistical likelihood of that actually happening. But if I even contemplate trusting someone enough to let them past my own mounting defenses, my heart and mind slam up those steely walls, unwilling to consider such possibility even cursorily." Continue reading
Posted Sep 12, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses Rango. "Whether super-villain or impotent superhero, I seem to be making him worse. I tried my best to offer him a hand to hold onto, but he has turned so far away that he couldn't reach me if he even looked. I love him deeply and passionately, but sometimes that's just not enough. Sometimes, it's too much." Continue reading
Posted Aug 28, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses being needy. "Who I am is demanding and needy, sometimes petulant and irritable. In a lot of ways, I am still that child seeking positive reinforcement. And just because someone feels the strong affection of love for me, that doesn’t mean they can reach me to actively love me—or that I will even let them." Continue reading
Posted Aug 6, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses the difficulties of relationships. "No matter how hard I try to be good, to be accommodating, to be considerate, I cannot make someone else do the same. I cannot make someone be or do what I think is ideal—or even what I think is a reasonable compromise. I can’t force them to hear me or try to see anything from my point of view. I can only accept them for who they are or not. I can live with their personality and eccentricities or move on." Continue reading
Posted Aug 5, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses trying to get through. "I am trying just to get through. The best I can do is to keep plodding away, to ignore the dirty house and the clutter that seems to multiply every week. I am resigned to the fact that this will continue to be my life for a while longer." Continue reading
Posted Mar 1, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses repetition and remembrance. "Certainly I can pinpoint errors and mistakes and regrettable decisions, but I feel like I have done everything in my power to apologize and make amends for those actions. I would say I have done my best to move on, but I damn well know there are frozen moments that continue to haunt me." Continue reading
Posted Oct 19, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses being selfish: "If I need replenishment but the other person needs more energy from me in order survive or thrive, which of us gets our need met and which goes unfulfilled? If that other person is someone I love deeply, do I love them less if I refuse to sacrifice the core of myself in unhealthy ways in order to support their happiness?" Continue reading
Posted Sep 22, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Although nearly three years have passed since the judge decreed our marriage to be over, my ex-husband still seems really angry. It’s not constant, but he takes ample opportunity to explain all the ways in which he believes me to be lacking. Nevermind that I finished one degree with honors... Continue reading
Reblogged Aug 23, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses catastrophizing. "I am incredibly analytical by nature—I am a good Virgo, after all. And my job requires me to be hyper-analytical, looking not only at what is wrong, but also at what might be wrong, to anticipate a response and a rebuttal and a reply to the rebuttal, all with the end goal of being right. I am very good at my job, but the cacophony in my head is often just the buzz of this computation of possibility and plausibility in a way that is extreme, even for me." Continue reading
Posted Aug 4, 2016 at Muchness and Light
I Can Bring Home the Bacon, Fry It up in a Pan! The Enjoli Woman as an Agent of Socialization via Continue reading
Reblogged Jul 9, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses being sick. "But this is where I have to admit that doing everything one-handed is far easier than doing everything single-handed. I am forced to rely on other people at times, and I absolutely hate it." Continue reading
Posted Jun 29, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses battling those ghosts of herself. "In so many ways, it feels like I’m back in the summer of 2010, in chronic pain and uncomfortable in my own skin, struggling to keep the house and the kids together and still give Stephanie time to breathe and enjoy the things that make her soul feel not dead. Not even alive. Just not dead." Continue reading
Posted May 24, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses being sick. "But for the last month, I have felt as bad as I ever have in my life. Lethargic and weary, like pregnancy fatigue, plus horribly itchy, dry skin and stomach issues and this intense brain fog that causes terribly dysphasia at times. It feels like placenta brain, but it’s not. I am still gaining weight." Continue reading
Posted May 11, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses the past. "So there are still things to work on, and we will. This was a warning to us both, to remember the lessons of the past. I don’t want to repeat the past, good or bad, and it is unfair to compare Rango or myself to those times." Continue reading
Posted Mar 21, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses her crying. "I should be easy on myself for holding all of this together as well as I have, and I should be nothing but proud of the accomplishments I’ve made. But somewhere in my fucked up head, I am often embarrassed to be me, to see how far I fell down a hole I never wanted to think of again, and to feel the snap! of one tenuous thread and to know how that can bring the whole damn thing crashing down around me." Continue reading
Posted Mar 19, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses being unhappy. "Because I’m not able to do what I want, when I want, I often feel stagnant. I feel trapped by circumstance that’s changing far slower than I would like, given my incredibly impatient nature. Sometimes I feel resentful when that circumstance is to blame for the lack of freedom and the feeling of stagnation. And it doesn’t matter that my head knows better; my gut is screaming that it feels wrong, that it feels too much like my life before, and my heart gets angry." Continue reading
Posted Jan 26, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie shares a bit of her academic work. "A reading for my Women and Gender identity class set me off on a tangent, which is painfully apparent in my writing for that class this week." Continue reading
Posted Jan 24, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses coming back from hiatus. "This is the space in which I am most likely to be truly, sometimes brutally, honest with myself. This is how I have worked my head out when my life has felt like it was unraveling. This is where I have found the stones to lay my own path." Continue reading
Posted Jan 11, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses being open to possibility. "Now, "I don't know" comes from exploration, from having so many options, from proof that I am good at something and worth far more than I was led to believe. Far more than I led myself to believe." Continue reading
Posted Aug 20, 2015 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses her relentless head. "I am not alone in my propensity to tear myself down from the inside. I'm not the only maladaptive girl who sometimes clings tightly to the familiar shards of broken glass, simply because that's a pain you know, which feels far more manageable than the overwhelming uncertainty." Continue reading
Posted Jun 24, 2015 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses her ghosts. "In my head, I am fully aware that what I'm feeling is wrapping its cold hand around my heart because I let it. I know that the ghosts are vaporous re-imaginings of what I remember, vacillating around my perspective at the moment that I am reminded of them." Continue reading
Posted May 26, 2015 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses jealousy. "I know that I am letting my own insecurities and fears get in my way. I loathe that I think and feel this way. I am repulsed by the dark, tangled emotions that swirl around inside me, ensnaring my thoughts and hijacking what should be a calm, normal moment." Continue reading
Posted May 13, 2015 at Muchness and Light