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Down the Rabbit Hole
Muchness, Music, and Mayhem
Interests: Music, reading, lots of time at the gym, glitter, shoes, and whatever my kids are into
Recent Activity
Stephanie discusses what she values in a relationship. "But one of the things I realized recently is that we didn’t necessarily value the same things in a relationship. Shared interests and similar social and political leanings cannot sustain romantic interaction, if both parties aren’t looking for similar things in romance." Continue reading
Posted Mar 13, 2018 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses the value of a partner. "Relationships are all about negotiating each partner’s needs and wants. It feels kind of seedy to think of it as a debit-and-credit system, but it is a similar give-and-take. In healthy relationships, both partners do a good job of expressing their own needs, of fulfilling what they can for themselves, and of being able to rely on their significant other to be willing to fill in any gaps that they can. It’s delicately symbiotic. If any partner consistently takes too much or gives too little, it quickly shifts to parasitic, and one or both partners suffer as the relationship dies." Continue reading
Posted Mar 5, 2018 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses valuing herself. "All I can do is strive to be the best plausible version of myself. Trying to be the best possible leads me down a path of perfectionism and self-criticism. I will almost never live up to social ideals, nor to anyone else’s personal ideals. It’s taken me a long time to come to understand what is valuable about myself, to myself. The best way for me to honor that is to act in ways that support rather than undermine my value, and that includes the behavior that I will accept from others." Continue reading
Posted Feb 22, 2018 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses cowardice. "It’s hard as hell to admit that you have a role in the demise of your relationships. In my experience, it is never only one partner’s fault. Ever. No matter the circumstances. But to choose to hide your eyes and cover your ears to avoid your own truths, especially when you know it will mean you’ll continue to make the same mistakes over and over, hurting other people in the process, is utterly nonsensical to me." Continue reading
Posted Jan 21, 2018 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses "out with the old." "I am offering one last toast to disappointment, to broken promises, and to unfulfilled dreams. I will drink once more to each and every lost love, all of whom mattered and will always matter, but who cannot continue to keep me mired in the past. I have accepted my fault, and I have accepted theirs, but I cannot continue to define expectations for my future based on the past actions of people I will never see or speak to again. They had opportunity not to be ghosts; I am cutting their chains loose and setting them free." Continue reading
Posted Dec 31, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses changing traditions. "To everyone who is living tradition-challenging change this year, go with it. No matter the reason, find something in the newness in which to anchor yourself, and make it your own. There may be laughter or tears, unequivocal joy or breath-stealing heartache. Make them into what you need. They are yours to do with as you wish." Continue reading
Posted Dec 25, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses redemption. "The redemption comes not through someone else’s choices in how they love me but rather in my own choices of how I love myself." Continue reading
Posted Dec 2, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses Bounder. "It is odd, a little unsettling, to think of life without the possibility of him. I gave up the possibility of him as a romantic partner long ago. Our life goals are different, and he would never be able to consistently meet my needs. But he was always this driving force of emotion and thought, even when we weren’t together, sometimes in contact and sometimes not. Music, in particular, became a daunting prospect for me, because everything could remind me of him." Continue reading
Posted Nov 11, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses self-compartmentalization. "The irony is that in dividing myself into these intricate parts, I have compartmentalized my own emotions, segmenting them and locking them away until I’m ready to deal with them—the very thing I hate most when others do it to me. To be ignored, to be dismissed, to be relegated to the dark and dusty recesses of someone’s heart until such time as I am convenient is enraging to me." Continue reading
Posted Oct 29, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses dating. "What I have finally learned is that the lack of agitation does not mean the attachment is secure. An absence of fluttery pangs in my chest does not equate to happily-ever-after. Because of the inherent insecurity on both sides, they are likely to bolt when they feel trapped by the intimacy they commanded. I’ve done the dance a dozen times and know the warnings signs, so I am always on high alert." Continue reading
Posted Oct 27, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses dating again. "But what happened before is not what’s happening now. I get to choose what happens next. My future is not necessarily determined by my history. I am not doomed to repeat my past, because I am still, constantly, learning those lessons." Continue reading
Posted Oct 22, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses Harley. "But what’s her purpose? I’m already hurting like hell; what good does it to do to inflict more, albeit different, pain?" Continue reading
Posted Oct 9, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses the personal effect of trauma. "I have spent years in a constant state of fight-or-flight, hypersensitive to perceived threat. Sometimes those perceptions have been wrong, and I have misinterpreted experience through the filters of my own agitation. Sometimes the voices of those subparts have chattered and whispered chaotically, warning me of what they see, and I have accepted their perceptions as truth. They’re not always wrong. They are, however, always singular and myopic in what they can see from their standpoint in the past." Continue reading
Posted Oct 2, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses Internal Family Systems. "The goal of IFS is to allow the Self to access and connect to each subpart, healing them one by one. Thus, the Self leads the other parts in harmony and health. We become a whole, heathy person, rather than an amalgam of these smaller bits that exhaust themselves fighting to maintain a losing battle." Continue reading
Posted Sep 23, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses her lack of trust. "Maybe in the end it’s not just that I don’t trust others. I don’t trust myself. I adopted those skewed perceptions, and I’m no good to anyone until I can unravel that mess of barbed wire. But I am truly afraid I will weave into some kind of armor to keep others at a distance—including myself." Continue reading
Posted Sep 20, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses grieving her relationship. "But it’s going to hurt as long as it hurts. For me to feel nothing after a month, in the aftermath of a three-year relationship, would be unhealthy in its own way. I never wanted this break-up. I wanted to fulfill those promises of the rest our lives. It will take time to find peace in the acceptance of what we lost." Continue reading
Posted Sep 17, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses the aftermath of Rango."So for now, for the foreseeable future, it will just be me and my young men. I’m not remotely interested in dating again. I’ll say maybe ever, but I understand the statistical likelihood of that actually happening. But if I even contemplate trusting someone enough to let them past my own mounting defenses, my heart and mind slam up those steely walls, unwilling to consider such possibility even cursorily." Continue reading
Posted Sep 12, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses Rango. "Whether super-villain or impotent superhero, I seem to be making him worse. I tried my best to offer him a hand to hold onto, but he has turned so far away that he couldn't reach me if he even looked. I love him deeply and passionately, but sometimes that's just not enough. Sometimes, it's too much." Continue reading
Posted Aug 28, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses being needy. "Who I am is demanding and needy, sometimes petulant and irritable. In a lot of ways, I am still that child seeking positive reinforcement. And just because someone feels the strong affection of love for me, that doesn’t mean they can reach me to actively love me—or that I will even let them." Continue reading
Posted Aug 6, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses the difficulties of relationships. "No matter how hard I try to be good, to be accommodating, to be considerate, I cannot make someone else do the same. I cannot make someone be or do what I think is ideal—or even what I think is a reasonable compromise. I can’t force them to hear me or try to see anything from my point of view. I can only accept them for who they are or not. I can live with their personality and eccentricities or move on." Continue reading
Posted Aug 5, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses trying to get through. "I am trying just to get through. The best I can do is to keep plodding away, to ignore the dirty house and the clutter that seems to multiply every week. I am resigned to the fact that this will continue to be my life for a while longer." Continue reading
Posted Mar 1, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses repetition and remembrance. "Certainly I can pinpoint errors and mistakes and regrettable decisions, but I feel like I have done everything in my power to apologize and make amends for those actions. I would say I have done my best to move on, but I damn well know there are frozen moments that continue to haunt me." Continue reading
Posted Oct 19, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses being selfish: "If I need replenishment but the other person needs more energy from me in order survive or thrive, which of us gets our need met and which goes unfulfilled? If that other person is someone I love deeply, do I love them less if I refuse to sacrifice the core of myself in unhealthy ways in order to support their happiness?" Continue reading
Posted Sep 22, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Although nearly three years have passed since the judge decreed our marriage to be over, my ex-husband still seems really angry. It’s not constant, but he takes ample opportunity to explain all the ways in which he believes me to be lacking. Nevermind that I finished one degree with honors... Continue reading
Reblogged Aug 23, 2016 at Muchness and Light