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StephQJ
Down the Rabbit Hole
Muchness, Music, and Mayhem
Interests: Music, reading, lots of time at the gym, glitter, shoes, and whatever my kids are into
Recent Activity
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Stephanie discusses Bounder. "It is odd, a little unsettling, to think of life without the possibility of him. I gave up the possibility of him as a romantic partner long ago. Our life goals are different, and he would never be able to consistently meet my needs. But he was always this driving force of emotion and thought, even when we weren’t together, sometimes in contact and sometimes not. Music, in particular, became a daunting prospect for me, because everything could remind me of him." Continue reading
Posted Nov 11, 2017 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses self-compartmentalization. "The irony is that in dividing myself into these intricate parts, I have compartmentalized my own emotions, segmenting them and locking them away until I’m ready to deal with them—the very thing I hate most when others do it to me. To be ignored, to be dismissed, to be relegated to the dark and dusty recesses of someone’s heart until such time as I am convenient is enraging to me." Continue reading
Posted Oct 29, 2017 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses dating. "What I have finally learned is that the lack of agitation does not mean the attachment is secure. An absence of fluttery pangs in my chest does not equate to happily-ever-after. Because of the inherent insecurity on both sides, they are likely to bolt when they feel trapped by the intimacy they commanded. I’ve done the dance a dozen times and know the warnings signs, so I am always on high alert." Continue reading
Posted Oct 27, 2017 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses dating again. "But what happened before is not what’s happening now. I get to choose what happens next. My future is not necessarily determined by my history. I am not doomed to repeat my past, because I am still, constantly, learning those lessons." Continue reading
Posted Oct 22, 2017 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses Harley. "But what’s her purpose? I’m already hurting like hell; what good does it to do to inflict more, albeit different, pain?" Continue reading
Posted Oct 9, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses the personal effect of trauma. "I have spent years in a constant state of fight-or-flight, hypersensitive to perceived threat. Sometimes those perceptions have been wrong, and I have misinterpreted experience through the filters of my own agitation. Sometimes the voices of those subparts have chattered and whispered chaotically, warning me of what they see, and I have accepted their perceptions as truth. They’re not always wrong. They are, however, always singular and myopic in what they can see from their standpoint in the past." Continue reading
Posted Oct 2, 2017 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses Internal Family Systems. "The goal of IFS is to allow the Self to access and connect to each subpart, healing them one by one. Thus, the Self leads the other parts in harmony and health. We become a whole, heathy person, rather than an amalgam of these smaller bits that exhaust themselves fighting to maintain a losing battle." Continue reading
Posted Sep 23, 2017 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses her lack of trust. "Maybe in the end it’s not just that I don’t trust others. I don’t trust myself. I adopted those skewed perceptions, and I’m no good to anyone until I can unravel that mess of barbed wire. But I am truly afraid I will weave into some kind of armor to keep others at a distance—including myself." Continue reading
Posted Sep 20, 2017 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses grieving her relationship. "But it’s going to hurt as long as it hurts. For me to feel nothing after a month, in the aftermath of a three-year relationship, would be unhealthy in its own way. I never wanted this break-up. I wanted to fulfill those promises of the rest our lives. It will take time to find peace in the acceptance of what we lost." Continue reading
Posted Sep 17, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses the aftermath of Rango."So for now, for the foreseeable future, it will just be me and my young men. I’m not remotely interested in dating again. I’ll say maybe ever, but I understand the statistical likelihood of that actually happening. But if I even contemplate trusting someone enough to let them past my own mounting defenses, my heart and mind slam up those steely walls, unwilling to consider such possibility even cursorily." Continue reading
Posted Sep 12, 2017 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses Rango. "Whether super-villain or impotent superhero, I seem to be making him worse. I tried my best to offer him a hand to hold onto, but he has turned so far away that he couldn't reach me if he even looked. I love him deeply and passionately, but sometimes that's just not enough. Sometimes, it's too much." Continue reading
Posted Aug 28, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses being needy. "Who I am is demanding and needy, sometimes petulant and irritable. In a lot of ways, I am still that child seeking positive reinforcement. And just because someone feels the strong affection of love for me, that doesn’t mean they can reach me to actively love me—or that I will even let them." Continue reading
Posted Aug 6, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses the difficulties of relationships. "No matter how hard I try to be good, to be accommodating, to be considerate, I cannot make someone else do the same. I cannot make someone be or do what I think is ideal—or even what I think is a reasonable compromise. I can’t force them to hear me or try to see anything from my point of view. I can only accept them for who they are or not. I can live with their personality and eccentricities or move on." Continue reading
Posted Aug 5, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses trying to get through. "I am trying just to get through. The best I can do is to keep plodding away, to ignore the dirty house and the clutter that seems to multiply every week. I am resigned to the fact that this will continue to be my life for a while longer." Continue reading
Posted Mar 1, 2017 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses repetition and remembrance. "Certainly I can pinpoint errors and mistakes and regrettable decisions, but I feel like I have done everything in my power to apologize and make amends for those actions. I would say I have done my best to move on, but I damn well know there are frozen moments that continue to haunt me." Continue reading
Posted Oct 19, 2016 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses being selfish: "If I need replenishment but the other person needs more energy from me in order survive or thrive, which of us gets our need met and which goes unfulfilled? If that other person is someone I love deeply, do I love them less if I refuse to sacrifice the core of myself in unhealthy ways in order to support their happiness?" Continue reading
Posted Sep 22, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Although nearly three years have passed since the judge decreed our marriage to be over, my ex-husband still seems really angry. It’s not constant, but he takes ample opportunity to explain all the ways in which he believes me to be lacking. Nevermind that I finished one degree with honors... Continue reading
Reblogged Aug 23, 2016 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses catastrophizing. "I am incredibly analytical by nature—I am a good Virgo, after all. And my job requires me to be hyper-analytical, looking not only at what is wrong, but also at what might be wrong, to anticipate a response and a rebuttal and a reply to the rebuttal, all with the end goal of being right. I am very good at my job, but the cacophony in my head is often just the buzz of this computation of possibility and plausibility in a way that is extreme, even for me." Continue reading
Posted Aug 4, 2016 at Muchness and Light
I Can Bring Home the Bacon, Fry It up in a Pan! The Enjoli Woman as an Agent of Socialization via mercer.digication.com Continue reading
Reblogged Jul 9, 2016 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses being sick. "But this is where I have to admit that doing everything one-handed is far easier than doing everything single-handed. I am forced to rely on other people at times, and I absolutely hate it." Continue reading
Posted Jun 29, 2016 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses battling those ghosts of herself. "In so many ways, it feels like I’m back in the summer of 2010, in chronic pain and uncomfortable in my own skin, struggling to keep the house and the kids together and still give Stephanie time to breathe and enjoy the things that make her soul feel not dead. Not even alive. Just not dead." Continue reading
Posted May 24, 2016 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses being sick. "But for the last month, I have felt as bad as I ever have in my life. Lethargic and weary, like pregnancy fatigue, plus horribly itchy, dry skin and stomach issues and this intense brain fog that causes terribly dysphasia at times. It feels like placenta brain, but it’s not. I am still gaining weight." Continue reading
Posted May 11, 2016 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses the past. "So there are still things to work on, and we will. This was a warning to us both, to remember the lessons of the past. I don’t want to repeat the past, good or bad, and it is unfair to compare Rango or myself to those times." Continue reading
Posted Mar 21, 2016 at Muchness and Light
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Stephanie discusses her crying. "I should be easy on myself for holding all of this together as well as I have, and I should be nothing but proud of the accomplishments I’ve made. But somewhere in my fucked up head, I am often embarrassed to be me, to see how far I fell down a hole I never wanted to think of again, and to feel the snap! of one tenuous thread and to know how that can bring the whole damn thing crashing down around me." Continue reading
Posted Mar 19, 2016 at Muchness and Light