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Oooh and the soup is vegan! I can definitely dig it!
Toggle Commented Mar 24, 2011 on Soup. Black Bean. Hot. at WWdN: In Exile
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Thank you so much for this, Wil. I think of River daily, I miss him daily, and even still, I can't imagine what it was like to actually know him and lose him. I'm thinking of him and missing him from afar, though his impact on me is immense. If you will, allow me to explain. Stand By Me was my favorite movie long before I began my fascination with River Phoenix. It just resonated with me as an incredible accomplishment, a rare movie. Throughout most of my life, starting at age 10, I had a terrible self-esteem and even worse body image. Though it didn't turn into an active eating disorder until later on, in my early-mid 20s, that self-loathing was always with me. And then in my early and mid 20s, I began harming myself with eating. I would restrict, I would over-exercise, I would shut everyone out. It was a terrible, lonely existence. For years, I punished myself for not being the right weight, for not being good enough, for not being in better control. It got to a point where I started abusing diet pills. It was an obsession; I kept them in my purse at all times. I would take 2, even if I wasn't about to eat anything. I ignored the tingling in my arms and hands, the rapid heartbeat, the terrible stomachache. I would flush the pills with my best friend by my side, only to buy more the next day. And then I turned to look at myself in the mirror and said "What am I doing? If I'm not careful, I'm going to end up addicted. I have too much pride, underneath all of this, to become addicted." And I flushed them. No one beside me to encourage me, no one to hug me after. I did it on my own. After that lightbulb moment, I decided to take some time off from the world. I turned off my computer, told my friends not to contact me, and for two weeks, explored myself. It was during those two weeks that I read a powerful biography about River (In Search Of River Phoenix: The Truth Behind The Myth). It was deep, it was rich, and it helped me to realize my worth. For years, I had been waffling about being a vegetarian, but thought I couldn't do it because I loved fish too much. As it turned out, something deep inside of me wasn't letting me become a vegetarian because I would only be using it as a tool for restriction. River helped me to realize the deeper meaning behind vegetarianism. After I read the book, I ate my last piece of meat, on June 11, 2007. I never looked back. I had a new perspective. Six months later, I was vegan. For all the right reasons. River taught me that. Even though he had been gone for almost 14 years by the time I got to this point, he was right there with me, helping me. River saved my life. It's almost odd to think that, considering that he couldn't end up saving his own. But he saved mine, and I thank him every day. Wow, that was long and I apologize. I just needed to tell you because I think you would understand. This blog brought tears to my eyes, and I thank you again for writing it. Your memories and insights have made it that much more real for me. I feel more connected to the situation, and what it was like for you. After you tweeted about the reunion last week, I was waiting for you to blog about it..but I also had a feeling that it would take some time for you to sort it out. Can I just repeat- I'm so glad you did. You're a part of cinema history in the best way possible- a timeless, poignant movie. Be proud.
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Mar 22, 2011