Well. I can honestly say that today's episode of General Hospital didn't bore me. Wait, no I can't--I had forgotten, probably from boredom, about the ongoing Molly/Rafe/TJ/Taylor quadrangle, which is completely uninteresting. I don't mind a teen story in theory, but Molly and Rafe's instant connection has always driven me mildly nutty, or at least as nutty as something this dull can drive a person which isn't very and is more along the lines of "I can see how that would bother somebody who cares more than I do", and now Taylor is all of a sudden all about TJ after a whopping two seconds? If something doesn't work the first time, I guess we can keep doing it repeatedly with no tweaks. But aside from THAT, I wasn't bored. Mostly because when my mind did wander, it wandered to thinking of how I could best and most hilariously describe the utter badness that was abounding. When Sonny was reaming Carly out for having terrible plans that ruin peoples lives because he is suffering from amnesia and thinks it's 1997 again and that this layer of Carly's character was new and shocking ("You made a bad situation worse!" he shouted... Continue reading

I'm sorry, you guys. I have so much that I want to say--I am almost completely consumed by irritation when I watch General Hospital these days, which I'd like to write off as complete hyperbole but it's actually just a sad yet true statement about my tendency to become overly invested in ridiculous things like this incarnation of Franco and Silas's seemingly limitless supply of utter doucheitude (on the plus side, it seems like I now have a new recipient for the Ryan Lavery insults I've been stockpiling over the years!)--but I'm not going to be able to say it or anything else because this conversation happened between Patrick, who I'm assuming is suffering from some sort of undiagnosed brain injury, and the world's most childlike 27 year old (the very explicit mention of her age the other day didn't make me think "Oh, they're closer in age than I thought. So not ew!" as much as it made me think of a ridiculous and embarrassing playground game my friends and I used to play where we envisioned glamorous and successful adult futures--when we pretended to be as old as, like, fifteen. Holy maturity, right?! It's like Sabrina was playing... Continue reading

I have a serious question--actually, I have MANY serious questions about the ending of today's General Hospital. Like, "Is Shawn the worst hitman ever?" (yes, he is. Or he is at the very least in the top five--bottom five? I don't know, but this is giving me shades of Dr. Ian Devlin, who I had COMPLETELY forgotten about until just now on account of being pretty skilled at repressing terrible Port Charles memories. Terrible. Shawn, I can't even say I thought you were better than this, because I've actually never thought about you at all,but still: awful). And "Has Carly EVER had a pan that didn't begin and end disastrously?" (Nope!) And "Has anybody else seen Olivia's dress at Ann Taylor and lusted after it?" (because it's super cute, isn't it? It would look absolutely horrendous with my coloring, but still, I can admire from afar). But the biggest question--and one I'm almost entirely positive I know the answer to*--is that if it turns out that Olivia gets shot instead of Franco and Sonny (as ever, so close yet so far away), will this serve as a wakeup call to, oh, anyone? How much more Falconeri blood needs to be... Continue reading

I can't be the only one who laughed out loud, for a long time, and started to laugh again at the very memory of it, when Dr. Silas Clay peered over the rims of his glasses and told Sam to: Silas: Unclench, lady. This was and continues to be hilarious for a number of reasons. Like--and I know this is just Michael Easton's voice, which continues to be one of my favorite things--everything the man says is gravely serious and any lighthearted cuteness is delivered in the form of stern admonition. So him telling anybody to be less tightly wound is amusing. And also, Sam's "clenching" came about because he decided to just up and give her child and impromptu medical examination in the rudest way possible. Silas: I'm examining your son. Sam: Excuse me? Silas: There's something wrong with him. "Bitch, I just diagnosed your kid with an illness through osmosis and you're STILL copping an attitude?!" And also also, the ponytail. Hee. Oh, the diagnosis, by the way? CANCER. He made a shocking diagnosis at the end of the episode after spending approximately 74 seconds with this (just beyond adorable) baby and then--literally. Seriously, this happened--turned around and... Continue reading

If you've been fortunate enough to have missed any of General Hospital this week and have no idea what's going on, your luck's about to run out because I'm going to quickly recap (because if I have to suffer, we all should!): rather than bring Roger Howarth back as literally any other character in General Hospital history or in the imaginations of the writing staff (LITERALLY any other character. ANY ONE. Steven Webber. Tom Hardy, the fictional doctor. Tom Hardy, a fictionalized version of the British actor. Casey the Alien. Casey The Alien's cousin Pacey. Serena Baldwin. ANY ONE!), the decision was made to bring him back as Franco, daytime's most popular genius artist/serial murderer whose stint on this show amounted to a bulleted list of completely criminal and unforgivable misdeeds mixed with embarrassing performance art and a vibe of deeply uncomfortable weirdness. I know what you're thinking: "Mallory, are you having a fever dream. Because every word you just typed is pretty ludicrous". I totally agree with you. And I know what you're thinking now, too (I'm slightly psychic): "But...he was so terrible and there's absolutely no way to redeem him, so bringing him back and trying to make... Continue reading

So yesterday was a pretty uneventful episode of General Hospital, right? No big revelations, no appalling history rewrites, no atmosphere of seediness and grossness, and certainly no horrified viewer revulsion at home. Ha, just kidding. Nothing is beautiful and everything hurts. While I try to re-teach myself the English language, the memory of which fled my mind in panic after Wednesday's show ("OHMYGOD SHE'S GOING TO MAKE ME WRITE ABOUT THAT ICK. CAN'T DO IT, WON'T DO IT. LANGUAGE SKILLS, OUT!"), let's try to decide once and for all which bit of ridiculousness is the most ridiculous: is it the now-iconic "James Craig is Jerry Jacks! And now he's dead! Just kidding, he's not! But he is! And now he's not again! Plastic surgery and immortality, you are just too much!" ridiculousness or the "Franco is ALIVE! And still WEIRD. And now played by the guy who just played Todd except we're not even allowed to say the name Todd for legal reason. Is his canvas still murder? STAY TUNED!" ridiculousness? Or is all of the above completely meaningless to you because you've managed to deliberately repress every one of those sixty gross and terrible and Franco-filled minutes? Continue reading

I think it's fair to say that I'm not exactly super fond of Sabrina, to the point where I had a shrill moment of internal panic today when someone called me "Sabrina" (I've grown sadly accustomed to answering to other names--maybe I don't enunciate clearly enough, but more often than not, people assume that my name is Valerie, or Molly, and sometimes it's easier just to go with that, especially if the odds of my ever seeing the person again are slim, but that was just weird. "Am I annoying? Do I look all giggly and swoony and ridiculous? I mean, I WAS just reading an article about Star Trek that had a big picture of Chris PIne in it. And I WAS writing with a pink pen. Maybe I AM Sabrina-ish!") but if General Hospital plays its cards right (I know, cart, horse, etc.), she could be a part of what could go down as 2013's most hilarious story: THE ROOMMATE FROM HELL. There's some Must-Watch potential here if the writing goes the way I hope it does, and that is the hijinks-filled and wacky way. Patrick: There's been a change of plans. You're not going to come home... Continue reading

I tried (a little). I was patient (in a way). But the mystery of...Mystery Guy played by Roger Howarth has become officially bothersome. Is it just me? Or is everything about this story, from Howarth's creepy stares to the soundtrack of ultra dramatic music that comes on whenever he appears on screen or the writing that is just TRYING SO FREAKING HARD that I am suffering from profound secondhand embarrassment at the very sight of it, so incredibly lame that you can literally--literally!--feel the last of your nerves fraying from irritation? Man on Plane: Oh! Unh! I was sure that was it. I mean, your face is just --just so positive. I mean, at least I have a positive association to it. It's like a spotlight that's shining on it. It's -- it's just positive. Are you famous? Mystery Guy: Well, that depends on what you mean by "famous." Heather: I had no idea you were back in town. Mystery Guy: Surprise. Heather: Something about you looks different. Mystery Guy: You think? Heather: Not sure what it is. But it suits you. Lulu: I'm sorry. Are we close? Mystery Guy: No. Not at all. Lulu: Well, don't be offended if... Continue reading

Because of my fondness for routine and a quite consistent temperament that usually hovers somewhere around "irritated", I'm an incredibly predictable person. This has its benefits (ordering the same thing at Starbucks every morning means that the barista gets started on my latte as soon as I walk in the door, which makes my trips efficient--and expensive, and sad when they misspell my name in a variety of humiliating ways, but that is a rant for a wordy opening paragraph in the future) and its downsides (I often worry, usually after watching a Lifetime movie or a particularly disturbing Law & Order, that my routine makes me an easy target for unsavory creepers. They'll always know where to find me!), but for the most part, it is what it is. So I'm sure we ALL know, unequivocally, what moment on today's General Hospital made me clap my hands with glee and delight--and no, it wasn't the return of Michael Easton and his classy little ponytail; that made me laugh uproariously and say "Oh, John McBain, you are just too cute" because him playing another character is going to take a lot of getting used to because see above re: routine.... Continue reading

The Unbearable Dumbness of Patrick has been driving me to distraction. DISTRACTION! To be brief--and I'm only being brief because I am very much the opposite of brief on this subject in my upcoming Soap Opera Digest column--there is no earthly reason for Patrick to not be suspicious of absolutely every single thing Britt does, considering the fact that he lived out this ENTIRE story already with Lisa Niles. Every time the woman BLINKS, he should be raising an eyebrow and saying "What was that blink?! Was it code to one of your evil accomplices?! You sneezed REALLY MANIPULATIVELY just now!!" But he's NOT and that's worrisome. Sabrina: Felix and I both think that Britt told you she was gonna terminate the pregnancy in order to manipulate you into stopping her. Britt: That is reprehensible. Sabrina: Oh, my point exactly. Reprehensible is Dr. Westbourne's M.O. Patrick: Sabrina, please... Sabrina: Patrick, she was manipulating you, okay? And it worked. And now you've promised to take care of britt and the baby, but you know what? That's not enough for her. So she's gonna fake this morning sickness in order to reel you in even more and... that's working, too. Patrick: I... Continue reading

I promise* that I will soon stop making "All My..." jokes. It just feels so good to be able to make them again and have them be relevant! And the truth of the matter is that I really do have so many reasons to be thankful for All My Children, like how it's back in my life, for starters, but also for the half hour long running time that means episodes zip by breezily and I don't even have the chance to be bored and for Lindsay Hartley's shiny shiny hair and so on and so forth. *Lie So I am grateful for a lot of Pine Valley related things, but today nothing even comes close to my gratefulness for David Hayward just existing and for Vincent Irizarry's classic soap acting. His monologue at a comatose (and also SORASed? I know that the new JR is roughly the same age as Jacob Young, but the latter had such a baby face that it makes the former look like a contemporary of Dixie's, not her son) JR was all sorts of amazing because it contained a lot of emoting and also really stilted explanations of what happened at the Chandler Mansion... Continue reading

I'm not psychic--although I DID correctly predict that my allergies today would be so overwhelmingly terrible that I'd be unable to hold my head up by late afternoon, although that's less of a sixth sense than it is a regrettably consistent pattern--but I have a feeling I know exactly what we'll all be doing tomorrow afternoon: watching General Hospital feeling a potent mixture of discomfort, confusion and mild disgust, because the end of today's show was just one long bad touch*. "Sure, sure", the writers said. "People say they want steamy romance, but what they really mean by that is dysfunction and randomness and a thick layer of what we in the biz call ick." I'm incredibly uncomfortable. *Okay, it was almost entirely a bad touch. It's just that something about AJ and Carly together is disturbingly compelling. I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT. They are gross and dysfunctional and yet...I think it's that Sean Kanan just has chemistry with everyone and everything he comes into contact with. He was even eyeing up that crystal decanter all flirtatious-like. But the rest of it? BAD TOUCH. New Lulu (NuLu?) and Milo were so random and awkward together that it was like...well, it was... Continue reading

Because I am a compulsive planner, I've started to look ahead to December and the Serial Drama Best and Worst of 2013 post and, specifically, the category "Worst Time People Talked About Killing Brenda And Did It With Lots of Meaningful Looks And A Humorous Tone So It Didn't SEEM Like They Were Serious About Actual Murder Except For The Part That They Totally Were" which has a shocking amount of potential honorees, like Sonny's jokey-except-not discussion of Brenda murder today. Sonny: Don't give [Carly] too mch credit. You know why? Because she asked me to kill Brenda. Olivia: How hard was it for you to resist? Sonny: [Meaningful look] Audience At Home: [Dawning horror] Olivia, genuinely worried about the answer to her question because it's not out of the realm of possibility: You didn't kill Brenda, did you? Sonny: No! [Beat] I mean...[Silence, in which it's heavily implied that he fantasized about gruesomely killing her because she made Carly mad, in which case baristas all over upstate New York better look into some security detail] Olivia: So if I wouldn't have called you, you would have gone and found Brenda and, um, what? Sonny: [Grateful for the appearance of... Continue reading

OHMIJASONMORGAN, you guys. Today's General Hospital was brimming with things that were all sorts of soapily awesome. You had AJ not being able to contain his glee that Michael's maybe-tryst with Brenda was causing Carly enormous amounts of physical and emotional pain, which--I'm right there with you, dude. Then there was Carly and Brenda's conversation, which was basically the two of them sniping at each other for an entire hour about how the other is a psychopath deviant, sort of like: CARLY: Why you got to be such a slut, slut? BRENDA: Who are you calling a slut, bitch? CARLY: I'm sorry, did someone three feet shorter than me say something? I heard a whorish whispher from far away. BRENDA: What's it like to be terrible at everything you attempt, including coming up with comebacks? CARLY: Whore says what? BRENDA: I'm not falling for that. CARLY: Of course you'll fall for it, right onto your back. WHOA! YA BURNT! The more heated they each became, the more likely they were to palce emphasis on random syllables. Brenda: Your SON is not a KID anymore, you FREAK. Carly: SONny might disaGREE, BRENda. These things were all awesome, but nothing--NOTHING, compares to... Continue reading

For reasons I'm not entirely sure of but which almost certainly have to do with something terrible I did in a past life, most of today's General Hospital recorded all blurrily (of course, right? The Nurse's Ball records like a scrambled pay channel but garden variety awfulness appears pristinely) and I haven't yet caught up on the musical numbers and other shenanigans that I only heard, not saw (I did catch the entirety of Frisco's goodbye to Maxie, but I haven't properly wrapped my head around it yet, and so can't comment on it, although my fingers keep typing the words catastrophically douchey). But all was NOT lost because the most delicious part of the show was broadcast crystal clear: Britt taking the stage to make a grand announcement just after Patrick breaks about a million different hearts thanking the crowd for being there. It was so old school soapy and ridiculous. Patrick (whose voice kept getting choked up and then I kept getting choked up when the camera panned to Anna and Duke's reactions to all of this. Sniffle, whimper, etc.): My little popstar daughter here [She is seriously just TOO CUTE! --Ed.] and I are forever grateful for... Continue reading

I cannot begin to express my delight at General Hospital turning 50 and celebrating the big anniversary with an episode so wonderful and sentimental and yet filled with just the right amount of hilarity that I spent almost the entire hour in tears of the devastated sort, the weepily nostalgic sort and the giddy with laughter sort. I spent an excessive amount of time attempting to coin a megaword combining basically every excitable adjective in the English language for this exact purpose, but I came up empty. Just know that I am very, very delighted. Not just at the quality of the anniversary episode (although it was top-notch and if you haven't watched it yet, please do so IMMEDIATELY, like what are you waiting for? I also suggest watching it with tissues on standby in case you, like a hypothetical soap blogger who shall remain nameless because she--or he!--is purely hypothetical, tear up easily at things that are both happy and sad. And maybe have some candy close to you as well in case you need to talk to some food about your feelings. And you will have feelings. Many feelings!) but at this anniversary in general. 50 years! That's... Continue reading

As much as I rolled my eyes over the continuing saga (with the amount of time this so-called story has gotten, you'd think it was actually an epic storyline of its own!) of Milo being straight that has seen Felix pout for the past few days and Sabrina stare into space all doe-eyed and awkward--and I rolled my eyes at that A LOT!--and as much as I groaned over Scott whining again some more incessantly about Luke and Laura--and I groaned over that A LOT like, ohmigod, there is so much more to Scott Baldwin than JUST being the guy who lost Laura to Luke and when he made a remark the other day that he blamed BOBBIE for bringing Luke to town in the first place, I guffawed a horrified guffaw. A horrifaw. Although the petty, grudge-holding part of me kind of respects his commitment to not letting things go--I ended today's episode of General Hospital squealing and saying "Holy 1994!" because, really, this moment? Laura: WAIT! I'm coming with you. I could not have loved it anymore. I'm STILL squealing. Continue reading

I can't explain exactly what made Friday's episode of General Hospital such a delight--the big returns? The great performances? The fairy wings? The noticeable absence of Carly?--but I do think I bore more than a passing resemblance to Nelson Muntz when he watched Andy Williams perform, all adoring and blissful. I mean, NIKOLAS! For the past few years, I was uninterested in Nik at best and disgusted and horrified by him at worst (I'm doing a kind thing for all of us and NOT going through the archives to find the grossest and most upsetting Nikolas/Elizabeth link to use as proof of said disgust. You're welcome!), but the second he appeared at the end of the show, all of my fond memories came rushing back and I'm pretty sure that I started clapping. Nostalgia is a crazy thing. Cop played by Rick Springfied's real life son, which I guess was the most important thing on his resume and landed him this gig because oh my gosh, is he not good at acting: There's someone here to see you. Luke: Well, let him in. Laura: Nikolas. Son. Thank you. Eeeeeeee, right? Bobbie also came back, and it's nice that there are... Continue reading

It didn't quite achieve the comedic heights of the "Helena faked Lucky's death and it was hilarious" caper, but Heather and Todd's dead baby switch was a constant source of amusement to all of us, right? Or it was to some of us, at least. Namely Todd Manning. That scamp! As Louise ranted on Facebook, Todd had a run-in with Sam that was basically the opposite of everything I've ever wanted for these two characters from an entertainment standpoint and it was also incredibly angry-making. Todd: Sam, we live in the same town. We're gonna run into each other. Don't you think? Sam: You think you just got away with it. Stealing my son, leaving me to grieve. Todd: You got your kid back. Why can't it be over? Sam: Because it's not. Todd: Okay. You're an angry Sam. I see that. I get it. You want revenge. I know how that feels. Sam: Well, maybe, one day, something really awful will happen to your family. Then you can tell me you know how it feels. Rage, right? RAGE. Okay, first of all, THIS WAS THE ENTIRETY OF THEIR CONFRONTATION and I'm sorry to YELL AT YOU IN CAPS LOCK,... Continue reading

It's not that I wasn't excited to have a snow day and an impromptu three-day weekend and the opportunity to nap and spend the entire day in leggings; I was excited about all of those things. But what I was MOST excited for was the chance to watch General Hospital live. It was the very first thing that ran through my head when I heard work was closed (and I'm eternally grateful that I managed to only think my excited thoughts and not blurt them out, because that would have been quite the awkward conversation), which says a lot about how much I am enjoying most of General Hospital these days. And then, because I am terrible at change and hardly ever home during the week to watch GH as it airs, I promptly forgot that the show moved to 2 and was halfway through a batch of scones (is there anything more perfect on a cold day than a good scone?) when I realized that I'd have to give up the dream of liveblogging the show. But I will settle for a good old-fashioned recap! Spinelli and Tracy at the Quartermaine mansion. She, like any rational person, is absolutely... Continue reading

While I was in the midst of crafting a truly hilarious (to girls who grew up in the 80s and 90s reading the works of Ann M. Martin and to absolutely nobody else) comparison between the "Sabrina is unjustly accused of cheating on her nursing exam because she's just SO perfect that she got a perfect score which nobody in the history of General Hospital has ever done" story and the plot of Claudia and The Middle School Mystery, the 40th Baby-Sitters Club novel that saw Claudia accused of cheating on a math test, a comparison that ultimately fell apart when I realized that Claudia was much more worldly and mature than Sabrina is (and more fashionable--even Claudia would judge the hell out of Sabrina's glasses), I got a series of texts that included so many exclamation points and capital letters and the breaking news that Vanessa Marcil and Ingo Rademacher are coming back for GH's 50th Anniversary festivities and I let out the kind of squeal that is unbecoming once you pass the age of eight. Who the hell can even take the time to mock Sabrina when there is Brenda and Jax action to dreamily imagine?! We've been... Continue reading

I was hoping to do a full, old-school recap of Friday's General Hospital. I was. I wanted to! And then after about the eighth time I typed "And then Sonny paused awkwardly and played some seriously stilted word games to refrain from actually saying dead until the PERFECT moment around the half hour mark while Olivia's eyes bugged out of her head meaningfully every time Kate--this IS Kate, right? Still?--asked a question about Trey", I decided that I just couldn't do it. I'm sorry. That is just a REALLY long sentence to type repeatedly. And repeatedly it needed to be typed because honestly, what is this? Kate: Why? Why can't I go to my son? Sonny, he's alive. You know what that means to me. And Joe Jr.'s dead. Now I can have a relationship with him. I can get to know my son. Sonny: It's not gonna happen. Kate: I know it's not gonna be easy. I have a lot of work to do, I have a lot of apologizing to do, but I have to try, right? So, I'm gonna go to him. I'm gonna go to his apartment, and you can't stop me, Sonny. Sonny: You're not... Continue reading

Well, it's happened. I was constantly worried about it, especially when Josslyn went from Fat-Headed to Elementary-Aged and Super Blonde. I just figured that when the adorably expressive Braden Walkes vacated the role of Cameron, it would be because the show was going to SORAS him, not just...replace him randomly, with someone about his exact age. I am crossing my fingers that he exited under adorable circumstances, like there was some cute little extracurricular activity that gave him a major scheduling conflict. Like, "Oh, man, I'd love to film a little scene with Laura, but I have karate class and then archeology club! Darn!" At least I was prepared for it--while I waited for my coffee (iced coffee, even though it was hardly iced coffee weather and is actually frigid out; I'm operating under the delusion that if I think spring, spring would come, as if I, Mallory Harlen, am the person controlling the weather. Like Mother Nature will take notice of my three quarter sleeved shirts, ballet flats and frozen drinks and think, "Oh, right, I should end winter right about now), I received word from Louise telling me the terrible news. And I was glad to hear it... Continue reading

Even though All My Children ended many months ago, I still find my mind wandering to the residents of Pine Valley every so often. Sometimes it's because I'm still complaining about the show's cliffhanger--you say "I think it's about time you made your piece with an admittedly terrible episode of television and move on, you lunatic", to which I respond that I AM a lunatic, but the show ended with either a mass bloodbath of people we've come to love of, if we're viewing things as optimistically as possible, a very public attempted suicide, so I think I have a few more YEARS of justified complaining. Other times, it's because I've coined a hilariously mean turn of phrase and regret not being able to use it to describe Ryan Lavery. And still other times, it's just a knowing sigh when I see a large bottle of hairspray. I've also, like anybody with a heart, wondered what David Canary has been up to (I tried long and hard of a way to write that sentence with minimal creepiness and that's about the best I could do). Is he still acting? Not enough, according to IMDB--the last thing I saw him in... Continue reading

It's a good thing that most of my friends regard my General Hospital viewership as a strange character quirk of mine and don't ever try to engage me in conversation about it, because I'm at a loss imagining how I'd even recap recent episodes for them. "Well, John McBain has a doppelganger--does it still count as a doppelganger if the double in question has hair MUCH longer than his? I guess if everyone else in town is incapable of telling them apart, the hair mustn't be that big an issue. Anyway, John McBain has a doppelganger who is either a vampire or just your everyday psychopath who kills people and then licks blood. Also, Todd and Carly are totally, like, heartbroken that they can't be together. And there will almost definitely be a frontburner storyline that revolves around relish. So yeah...this show is getting pretty good". (And is it just me or is the Todd/Carly story the LEAST believable of the stories mentioned above? Their instant friendship and instant...intstanter (?) love doesn't ring true and you'd have to think that at least one of them, in a moment of rationality, would realize that not dating a walking personality disorder is... Continue reading