The other day I was on the bus and found myself in conversation with two little girls, aged about 4 and 9. After a couple of minutes of chat, the littler one held out her finger and said "YOLO." I touched her finger with my finger. This seemed to be the correct countermove, but incomplete. So I looked at them without taking my finger away, and waited. Older one: Now you have to say "true, true." Me: OK! True, true. Littler one, satisfied, withdrew her finger. Older one: You know what YOLO means? Me: You only live once? Older one:... Continue reading

Jane sang a song today about her toy fox, Foxy, prompted by an earlier discussion regarding the difference between a cow and a bull: I am a girl with a penis Girl with a penis E I E I O Also a butt. And how are you? Continue reading

Jane turned three! How can that be? It happens even to the best of us, I'm told. Does it always come with these bouts of KEENING SOUNDS and shoe throwing? I hope that is supposed to be usual, because it certainly is at our house. But aside from these small lapses, we are all pretty pleased with life overall, I would say. Just now Jane informed me that she was going to read Goodnight Moon to me. It went like this: I read it to you. Yes. Yes. Hmmmm... and, and... A whole lot of things happen. Hinga hinga hinga... Continue reading

The most depressing day of the year! Allegedly. It was not too bad, here, though we've all had better ones. We slept extremely poorly last night. Poor Jane spend most of the night wailing and sobbing in our bed, and could not explain why. I kept asking her if something hurt, but she just seemed confused and inconsolable. Then whenever she would drop off for a moment, Steve would have a coughing fit. It was quite something. In the morning, she was tired and feeble (as were we) and generally a little inclined to dissolve into tears (we managed to... Continue reading

Me: Those little bowls are for condiments. Jane: Of the house? Quite. Christmas was pleasant, as it canonically is supposed to be. I was I think only once compelled to refer to it as "Fuckwad" (merry fuckwad). Sweets were made, presents were exchanged, carols and murder ballads were sung, friends and family joined in pleasing harmony, et cetera. Now the semester is about to begin, the really-truly winter has arrived and with it its associated Stockholm Syndrome reactions (today it is THIRTY-SEVEN DEGREES FARENHEIT, break out the sundresses), and I have a nice lingering racking cough to go with it.... Continue reading

STEVE and I are chatting away about something in the front seats of the car. In the back seat, JANE is looking out the window or something, keeping her own counsel. ABRUPTLY: JANE: eysbrn ME: What? JANE: EYSBRN ME: What? JANE: Ice. Burn. ME: Ohhh, ice burn.* STEVE: "Ice burn!" is what you say when someone says something mean but funny about you. ME: Mean and funny and true! JANE: Yes. Ice burn. When you have ice sometimes they burn. US: Uh huhhh? JANE: And then you can't see. Ice burn! STEVE (light dawns): Oh! Like when you cut up... Continue reading

It's cold outside. Worse, it's cold in that sneaky December way that makes me think, "Well, maybe winter's not so totally dreadful," when ha ha ha the joke is on me because December really is just late fall or maybe prewinter, and I should just wait until January and then oh fuck February, and oh dear also March. Then even April is not spring but merely prespring. Dammit. At least the part where it is dark all the time is nearing its apogee, or nadir, depending on how you look at it. Afternoons and evenings can be a bit of... Continue reading

Phytohaemagglutinin may allegedly be the name of a poisonous compound found in undercooked kidney beans, but I think it is obvious to everyone that it is actually either: a. The sound you make when you have just eaten an undercooked kidney bean, or b. A fancy word for 'hairballs'. Continue reading

Traditionally I am a big hater of the return to Standard Time, because it is depressing when the sun sets in what becomes more and more the middle of the afternoon, but traditionally I have not had to get up in time to have a relaxing breakfast while also wrestling a small child into her clothing and getting her out the door to preschool, and... actually it is kind of magnificent how much easier it has been to wake up in the mornings this week, so I may be revising my opinion on this matter. Also, Halloween was delayed around... Continue reading

I feel it's very important to leave one's child at home and go to the office so that one can spend one's time there drawing silly pictures about one's child. And Batman. Don't you? It goes like this: "Nooooo, I no want that!" "What do you want?" "Bread and JAM." "But that is bread and jam." "Waaaaghghghgh!" Then Batman comes over and says something snide, and that totally takes care of it. Continue reading

I'm sorry, have we met? Since I last wrote anything, we bought a house and moved 3/4 of the way across the country and I started a new, tenure-track job. Gee whiz! And as of this weekend, we have actually unpacked every box, down to the last picture frame, which is something we didn't manage to do either of the last two times we moved. I miss Santa Barbara, our old place, our friends there, and our routines. I also miss the avocados and my lime tree. But... the new house is large and lovely and belongs to us (!)... Continue reading

It turns out that it is because one now lives with a two-foot-tall mad genius set designer and wardrobe director. Our remote control is currently lovingly wrapped in two thirds of a sheet of crumpled white paper, secured with a rubber band. The handkerchiefs are mostly in use as bulky diapers (folded and tucked by me, on demand -- "Diaper please") wrapped around the hind ends of toy cars. There is now always a full laundry basket at the foot of our bed, excellently positioned for tripping on and swearing at, because Jane is short and our bed is tall,... Continue reading

Things tick along as usual, trending on the better side of the norm. Jane and I do both have lingering though I think finally waning colds (she: ever-replenishing fountain of snot; me: the nightly descent of The Cough, which starts out tickly and gentle and ramps up to a croupy honking bark until it eventually gives up again) but our spirits are unbroken. Behold: I have also finally discovered and embraced the value of Benedryl as a sleep aid. Have you heard the GOOD NEWS about Benedryl? Of course you have, obviously. Everyone has, but I bet you are not... Continue reading