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Blood Dragon
In the darkness
If you need to know, you already do.
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I think you have gone well beyond owing her anything else. Your obligations, as a father, as a (former) lover, as a (soon to be ex) husband, as a human being...you've met these. You kept the rest of the family intact (yourself, the kids, the home), you kept the kids' lives as undisturbed as possible, you kept any potential enmity between the two of you away from them, they still love their mother. She can't come back unless you change? Sir, you have ALREADY changed - into the man and father who doesn't need her, and doesn't want her, anymore. Some part of you will probably always love her. And some part of you will always miss how it was when things were good, and ignore how it was when things were bad. But you'll never forget that she left, not only you, but them. Maybe, someday, in the future, she'll heal enough to be able to consider rejoining with you - but will you heal that particular wound? You don't think so, and neither do I. I can see you becoming friends again, in time. But I can't see you ever trusting her again. That, and Jess will beat you.
So, the question, then, is: Is this a backslide, a slip, a weak moment? Is the falling back into old habits? Is this not trying at all? Boiling down to, does she want to put effort into this, or not? If not, she's wasting your time. I don't say that because I want to see you split up - you guys are (or can be, anyway) good together. She needs to figure out what she wants. And what she's willing to do to get and/or keep it. And then she needs to tell you. But since most of her pathology is about lying to herself, it's going to be hard to be honest with you...
Toggle Commented Sep 29, 2013 on No Change at Last Thing I Want To Do Is Hurt You
Is there no one, in this treatment process, that can see what is happening to you and tell her? Clearly, you telling her isn't working; she's hearing what she wants. Blaming others for...hey, wait a minute. No, I'm not going to say it. Back to my question. Is there no one to stand for you? Is there no one she will listen to, that can see and hear what is happening with you? WHY IN THE FUCK ARE YOU INVISIBLE?! And what - if anything - can I do to help?
Toggle Commented Jun 18, 2013 on Out at Last Thing I Want To Do Is Hurt You
Regarding The Others... Remember: to hate, you have to CARE. It requires passion. The opposite of love is casual indifference. You're on the right track. When you've arrived, they'll no longer be "The Others". They'll be just more faceless unpersons that you may have to interact with now and again but who mean absolutely nothing to you in any way. But they're still oxygen thieves (a military term that you are hereby granted permission to use freely)
Toggle Commented May 24, 2013 on Quiet Day at Last Thing I Want To Do Is Hurt You
It's not too late to tell her. Tell her now. And you need a break, man. Even just a day. If your wife still isn't up to taking care of everything, then perhaps one of your relatives can give an assist. But you - just you - need a day for YOU. (A day for the TWO of you is also a good idea. It's hard to get reacquainted, to rebuild the lost intimacy (Note: I'm not talking about sex), with children (or anyone else) around)
Toggle Commented May 23, 2013 on It's Not Fair at Last Thing I Want To Do Is Hurt You
I'm glad things are going better. You know the "bit of anxiety attack" could simply be that you were mentally preparing for the card to have bad, triggery things...and it didn't. Unused adrenaline has to do SOMETHING - if you don't fight or fly, it will make you feel pretty icky for a bit.
Toggle Commented May 8, 2013 on Milestones at Last Thing I Want To Do Is Hurt You
You do realize that anything resembling control is an illusion, right? Chaos always wins.
Good luck. Hope you don't need any luck.
It's not "feelings don't matter". It's YOUR feelings don't matter. You're "safe". Safe people will "always" be there for you, don't have to be acknowledged for their contributions or sacrifices. It's the same thing that makes YOU saying she is pretty a meaningless thing, but the same words from a total stranger will make her float. And then you get asked why you never compliment her.
EVERYONE has days like that, even people for whom EVERYTHING IS GOING WELL. Like it or not, you're human. This is going to happen. So what? It happened. It's over. It's no longer relevant. Only question is, what are you going to do next?
"Don't deserve"? My butt. You deserve anything your friends or family want to do for you. And if you continue to think otherwise, then you will deserve me kicking your ass until you start to see it my way. So there.
I should have reminded you that embassies traditionally have lots of spies on hand. This can actually be used to your advantage if you want to provide disinformation. But that takes some effort and planning. And usually isn't worth it.
I don't know if it makes you feel any better... But I think you did the right thing, here. You should probably give her the benefit of the doubt regarding her not knowing how you felt... Until such a time as the fact that it's utter bullshit is a suitable topic for conversation. I find it hard to believe she didn't know how you felt about it.
So what happens if you don't respect the decision? Because - really - you don't. You're just not showing it. Like me, you think it is a stupid decision, a wrong decision, a selfish decision, a weak decision, and a self-defeating decision.
You DON'T throw people away when they become inconvenient. But she's not inconvenient. She is a danger to your wife. Keep her away.
Because it is hard (benefit of the doubt version). Because they get paid if you come back (cynic version).
The therapist needs to know this. And the therapist needs to redirect her back to you. And if he doesn't, he's either not very good or he's not very ethical. You already know she can't beat this herself. The therapist won't be there after she gets out. You will. Even if you live in Utah.
Emotional strength is like physical strength. Sometimes you need to lean on someone until you get strong enough. Just keep telling her, and showing her, that not only do you have enough strength to carry all FIVE of you while she "works out" (emotionally), your side of the battle is where the LOVE is - where you are - where the kids are - where LIFE is. And if you get low on strength, I've got plenty to share.
The Dragon stands, and applauds.
"Once more into the breach..." They left you no choice. You tried to be civil. They aren't even going to allow you that. Stand fast, and if you need help preventing physical access you know where we reserves are. "I have not yet begun to fight."
Toggle Commented Feb 19, 2013 on Preparations at Last Thing I Want To Do Is Hurt You
It has been my experience that it's not the "crises", not the busy times when you could clone yourself six times and keep them all running full steam, not chaos, not the frenzy... It's the quiet times when things hit you. The simple moments, of reaching out for someone who isn't there. Of seeing or reading something and thinking that you need to show...oh...right. Not there. The quiet times lurk. And they are vicious.
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