Bought these candles for Whitney's birthday cake on Monday. Didn't hit me til I was driving home that she won't be the one to blow them out. But we will. We'll light them, and think of her, then blow them out with hope on our breath as we continue to anticipate the Togetherness of Heaven. Continue reading

I've joined the rest of America and fallen in love with Downton Abbey. I watched the first two seasons in less than a week, and would be lying if I told you I didn't eagerly anticipate Sunday evenings for each new episode from seaon 3. **** Spolier ALERT**** If you aren't caught up on Season 3 yet (with where it is in American TV schedules), don't read any further. I am going to talk about a major spoiler. Ok? I'll give you a chance to click off the screen.... Really, I mean it.... I hate spoilers. So just wanted to... Continue reading

I walked into the kitchen to refill my ice water. My parents had been holed up in the kitchen for well over an hour, being busy little elves wrapping all our Christmas presents. Its rare that we are all together on Christmas. My parents live overseas, and my sister, brother and I all live in different states spread across the country. As I walked over to the sink, mom said "I'm a little weepy today. Its not because I'm upset, but I just really miss Whitney right now and think I need a hug." I gave my mom a huge... Continue reading

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This is the bunny that Sean and I got for Whitney before she was born. People had told me that I should bring a stuffed animal with me to the hospital when she was born so that I wouldn't have empty arms. You know, since my baby wouldn't be coming home with me. We picked this precious bunny out at Anthropologie and have cherished it ever since. When Whitney was born, we took pictures of Bunny holding her. When I handed Whitney over, out of my arms for the last time, I clung to this bunny with all my might.... Continue reading

Tomorrow, October 15th is the International Wave of Light. Its a day where everyone in their own respective time zone lights a candle at 7 p.m. in memory of the little ones who have passed away. You leave the candle burning for at least an hour. The effect results in a 24 hour wave of light across the world in memory of our babies. I'll be lighting a candle for Whitney and all of her precious baby friends who have gone on before us. Will you take a couple minutes to light a candle in her memory, too? And if... Continue reading

This is my fridge at the moment. You can see Gia's most recent drawings proudly displayed, and right in the middle is a photocopy of Whitney's footprints, along with the name & phone number of the tattoo artist who is going to permanently draw them on my skin. (That's the purple dot... figured Ron didn't want the whole interwebs to have his cell phone number.) The perfect mingling of loss and restoration. Grace and redemption. And God's eternal goodness displayed on my fridge right now. (Thank-you God for these simple, daily reminders of what you have brought us through.) This... Continue reading

This is a picture that my dad took of me while we were in Germany, the summer of 2001. My whole family went on a European vacation that was a whirlwind art tour of some of the greatest museums in the world. It was truly spectacular, and the trip of a lifetime. I'd always had the wanderlust bug lying dormant in my soul, and this trip awakened it. It was such a beautiful summer, one that I'll always remember. It has nothing really to do with baby loss, other than the fact that it is a good reminder of the... Continue reading

I saw this sunrise just a few months after Whitney was born. I wrote about it HERE. I'm rarely up for the sunrise, but when I am, its breathtaking. Continue reading

*deep breath* October is baby loss awareness month. 3 years ago, this month meant nothing to me, other than Breast Cancer Awareness month. I knew people wore pink to support a cause, but I wasn't personally connected to that. This month- October- as baby loss awareness month, meant nothing to me until, well, until I lost a baby. I love Fall. Everything about it... the colors, the smells, the cooler temps, the pumpkin spice everything. But inevitably, there's a moment the comes every October that hits me like a ton of bricks. Its that moment where I remember, amidst all... Continue reading

I was reading a friends blog the other day, and a short little phrase of honesty really stood out to me. It wasn't what she was writing about, or even what she intended to have "stick" with the reader, but it stopped me in my tracks. In addition to saying that she loved her family and she loved her life, she also loved her story. She is also a baby loss momma, and in the moment I was reading her blog post, I thought to myself "How can she say she loves her story?" That got me thinking about our... Continue reading

Mother's day is coming up. And truly, this topic deserves much more time and thought than I can give it right now. But I just read something that so blessed my heart that I had to share. I know it will bless so many of my mommy friends out there. We've all been there on that first Mother's Day without our babies. I remember the first Mother's Day I was actually a mother. 2010. Whitney had been born in February, and Mother's Day was of course, in May. I remember thinking in 2009 how I had longed for a baby... Continue reading

Today as I was getting ready to clean our bathrooms, I was searching for a playlist to get me into "toilet scrubbing" mode. Ok, really I was looking for something uplifting and praiseworthy as I began this not so fun, but oh so necessary task. I did a quick search for "New Praise 2012" or something like that and came up with what looked to be a promising playlist on Spotify. Little did I know how blessed I would be by one little song in this queue. I love God's surprises of love at unexpected times. I was almost done... Continue reading

Today I am linking up with other moms who have lost children from Kelly's Korner blog. I am so thankful that Kelly is doing this... Losing a child is difficult and can be a very isolating tragedy. It helps so much to know that I am not alone in my grief. This is the blog my husband and I started when we found out 20 weeks into my first pregnancy that our daughter had a fatal condition called Triploidy. The doctors all told us to abort our daughter- triploidy is always, ALWAYS fatal. Talk about no room for hope! But... Continue reading

I was cleaning out some of my emails today and I found this precious picture for Whitney's name gallery that I never posted. Its from my bestie, Tracy and her girls. They spent Thanksgiving in Galveston and she sent me this back in November. I love how Whitney's name is written in the sand on either side of Emi. Aside from being my best friend in the whole wide world, we also share a super special bond because we found out we were pregnant on the same day!!! Me with Whitney and her with sweet Bella. (Bella's the little one... Continue reading

I love this sweater. It is absolutely beautiful. I love its delicate lilac color, the softness of the yarn and the way the hoodie looks when its pulled up over Gia's bald little head. But more than all of that, I love what this sweater represents. It represents HOPE. A few months ago, I had the opportunity to go visit my sister who lives in Mesa, AZ. Gia and I trekked across the country on her first ever plane ride (4 1/2 hours!)-- she did great! We had a wonderful time with my sister, brother-in-law and my two nieces &... Continue reading

This is a repost of a blog I wrote a few months ago. In just the past 24 hours, there have been 19 unique searches for "triploidy" that have brought visitors to our blog. If you are one of them, I just want you to know I am praying for you and your unique situation that only God knows the details of. My heart goes out to you; I'd love to hear from you if you want to drop me an email. REPOST: After dusting off the interwebs of this blog yesterday, I was looking at the traffic feed for... Continue reading

Today is Whitney's second birthday. And as I sit here and watch my 9 month old daughter go back and forth between unfolding the laundry I just folded and chewing on blocks, I wonder what life would be like with a two year old. I wonder... what words would she know? what foods would she like? what foods would she hate? would she like to dance? would she like dolls or dinosaurs? stripes or polka dots? would her hair be long or still slowly growing (like Gia)? I could go on and on with a list as long as my... Continue reading

Another song that really ministered to me with Whitney was Hillsong's "Desert Song." I wrote about it HERE. I vividly remember sitting on the edge of my bathtub, listening to this song in the morning as I was getting ready. It geared me up for the day & gave me the perspective I needed to carry on. I hope you are all planning to keep your eyes open for a Random Act of Kindness opportunity this weekend! I'd love to hear what you did... just pop back over here and leave a comment! Continue reading

In this week leading up to Whitney's second birthday, I want to share some beautiful songs that ministered to me while I was carrying her, and that are still speaking to my heart now. The first one is "I Will Carry You" by Selah. Its a beautiful song that so eloquently speaks the words of my heart. Angie Smith carried her daughter Audrey, knowing Audrey was not expected to live. Her story is one that encouraged me and gave me the strength to carry Whitney. Continue reading

Below is a link to a petition for grieving parents to receive leave for bereavement under the Family Leave Act. Thankfully, I was able to take my full maternity leave after Whitney died. I remember the days and weeks of walking around in a fog, wondering if this was really my life. I had to relearn how to live my life in this new sense of normal. Everything from sleeping to eating to driving and shopping was completely foreign and had to be relearned. I am thankful for the time I had on maternity leave to get used to just... Continue reading

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't have other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner? Gia is our rainbow baby so she came after Whitney. No doubt she will somehow be affected by that, but she's too young right now. So my relationship with Sean... like I said before, through this all, he has been my rock. We have gotten so much closer over the past two years, I cannot imagine living life without him. I'm a lucky lady. :) Continue reading

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones? It depends on the day you ask me. ;) Generally, yes. As with most everything, the intense pain has gotten better with time. And although I think of her every day, most days are less painful than they were in the early days after her loss. I used to think of each day after she died as one day further away from the last time we held her, but now I am able to think of it as each day being one day closer to holding her... Continue reading

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel? If so what? Yes! We have several things that we started to keep Whitney's memory alive and to honor her life. First of all, we started a memorial fund that helped to purchase an ultrasound machine for the mobile ultrasound clinic at the Pregnancy Care Center in Fresno. I need to do an update on that post soon!! But, we purchased an awesome ultrasound machine that has already saved multiple babies' lives, and it has a little plaque on in that says "In Memory of Whitney Jill." I was able... Continue reading

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have? This is probably one of the hardest questions that a baby loss mom will have to deal with. I will never forget the first time someone asked me this question after Whitney died. I was at a Mary Kay event with a friend, and I had to stand up and introduce myself. It was exactly one month to the day after I'd had Whitney, and the director asked if I had any kids. I was still so raw and sad, I just wanted to crawl away...... Continue reading