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Tracey
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Another Year
Yesterday marked the two year anniversary of Sylvie's birth. Her brother Nate is now 10 months old. Sylvie would be almost 2. I still think about how different our lives would be with her here. And no Nate. I wish so much I could have them both. I showed Nate... Continue reading
Posted Jul 10, 2012 at Losing Sylvia
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Happy Maybe Would Have Been Birthday, Sylvie!
Sylvie was due one year ago today. We are now blessed with a 2 and a half month old, little Nate. I am holding him now and he is incredibly precious. He smiles and coos and fills our hearts with joy. But I never stop missing our first baby. Our... Continue reading
Posted Nov 28, 2011 at Losing Sylvia
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One Year Ago Today...
We gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Sylvie. I can remember every detail of that experience - from when I called my doctor to when we left the hospital with empty arms. I woke up this morning reliving that day, one year ago. I can remember waiting at... Continue reading
Posted Jul 9, 2011 at Losing Sylvia
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Anniversary
Seven months ago today we lost our little Sylvie. I still think of her every day. I haven't stopped missing her or wishing she was with us. She would be almost 3 months. I would still be at home, on maternity leave. Our lives would be very, very different. Although... Continue reading
Posted Feb 9, 2011 at Losing Sylvia
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Sylvie's Holly in Winter
Posted Jan 4, 2011 at Losing Sylvia
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Dickens on Stillbirth
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that a 19th century author, even a male, could describe the grief of stillbirth in an authentic way. Stillbirth was commonplace in those times. But I wasn't prepared while reading the Dickens Christmas short story, The Haunted Man and the Ghost's Bargain, to see... Continue reading
Posted Dec 20, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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Sylvie's Ornament
Posted Dec 13, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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Perfection
Since we'll never know what Sylvie would have been, how can we help but think of her as perfect? She never showed herself to be otherwise. In a way, it's unfair to the future children that hopefully we'll have. A living child can never be perfect. Everyone has faults. But... Continue reading
Posted Dec 7, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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Due Date
Today is finally here. The day I might have met little Sylvie. Ben and I had a quiet day together. After having cried ourselves to sleep (or at least having cried), we slept late. I eased myself into consciousness with my current Agatha Christie read. Somehow murder in quaint English... Continue reading
Posted Nov 28, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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Counting Blessings
I believe in the importance of thankfulness. When I was pregnant, I even tried to find potential names that meant gratitude (didn't find any good ones). Today I should be hugely pregnant, ready to go into labor over mashed potatoes and stuffing. With this immense loss, it's even more important... Continue reading
Posted Nov 25, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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Trying for a Peaceful Week
One more week until Sylvie's due date and I'm actually feeling pretty mellow today. I had a lovely weekend, spending time with some good friends. Yesterday at church, the minister preached an uplifting sermon about how this is an unfinished world and we have glorious opportunity to shape it. I... Continue reading
Posted Nov 22, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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The Problem with November
This month has been exceptionally difficult for us. Sylvie was due November 28th, the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I marked it on the calendar as soon as my doctor confirmed it, with an exclamation mark "Due Date!". I remember how excited I was, typing that onto my Google calendar. I decided... Continue reading
Posted Nov 15, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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Just one of those Days
Some days are fine. Some days, the sadness is just a dim, constant buzz instead of a deafening thunder. Some days, I know the worst is behind us. I see happier times ahead. I see a family, with an ever-missing member, but still a happy family. Those days, I sleep... Continue reading
Posted Nov 8, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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All Around Us
Why is it when you're experiencing something profoundly important to you, suddenly you see it everywhere? I've known for while that infertility and miscarriage were common, but now it seems like they're everywhere. Once we lost Sylvie, so many people - family friends, relatives, friends of friends - came out... Continue reading
Posted Nov 3, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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On the Up
Lately, I've been on an emotional seesaw. Somedays, I'm down and overwhelmed with grief. But today, I feel good. With the beautiful weather and some recent good test results, I feel like things are looking up. Halloween always turns me into a kid. We planned out our costumes, decorated our... Continue reading
Posted Oct 25, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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Forever Unanswered Questions
I wish I could know what Sylvie would have been like. Even if nothing changed and I still could never be with her on earth, I wish I could just see a vision of how she looked, acted, her interests, her future. It would somehow ease the pain of her... Continue reading
Posted Oct 20, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
Posted Oct 15, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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Missing Sylvie
I'm missing my little one a lot today. It's getting closer to her due date and part of me still can't believe she's gone. I just want her back. I try so hard not to think "Why me?" - I know such thoughts are useless and have no real answer,... Continue reading
Posted Oct 12, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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Mourning Lost Dreams
When someone you love dies, you have your memories. It may make you sad, but you can look back on your time together and remember. These memories will always live on. But with Sylvie, we have only brief snatches of memories. My growing belly, the first butterfly movements, her wiggling... Continue reading
Posted Oct 6, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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Embracing Fall
With fall arriving, I'm feeling hopeful and peaceful today. October is one of my favorite months of the year. Leaves changing, apple picking, pumpkin bread, cider donuts, scary movies, Halloween costumes. I love all of it. And this summer has been filled with such grief, that I'm ready for the... Continue reading
Posted Oct 3, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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A Long Road
Sometimes I wonder how any healthy babies are born. I know it's the most likely outcome of pregnancy, but so many obstacles block the way. I never knew how complicated this process could be. I never thought I'd be taking my temperature every morning, using OPK, charting online. Then once... Continue reading
Posted Sep 30, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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Superman, where are you now?
I finished reading An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination. Actually, I finished it once and then reread it immediately. It is a beautiful, horribly sad, occasionally funny book that I highly recommend. In the book, the author describes what she terms the "superman moment" where superman swoops... Continue reading
Posted Sep 27, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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The Lighter Path
"Perhaps our lives spread out around us like a fan and we can only know one life, but by mistake sense others." Jeanette Winterson, The Passion I've started reading An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination (an autobiographical book about stillbirth) and find I can relate to many... Continue reading
Posted Sep 22, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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Rainbow in the Fountain
I was walking in Washington Square Park today, as I usually do at lunch. Near the fountain, I saw a little girl around two-years-old with short brown hair and green eyes - what Sylvie might have looked like someday. She was walking in the middle of her smiling grandparents, holding... Continue reading
Posted Sep 17, 2010 at Losing Sylvia
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Tracey is now following nataliepo
Sep 17, 2010
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