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Lairbo
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A Mercurial Theater of Thin Air Production Starring Orson Welles as The Stage Manager (Recently discovered transcript of early rehearsal of an unproduced collaboration between Orson Welles and Thornton Wilder, suppressed for decades by Wilder estate) STAGE MANAGER Enters stage right and stands near the wings. Wearing a bow tie, tweed jacket and corduroy trousers, he pulls a pipe from his pocket, puts it in his mouth, pulls a match from another pocket and begins to light the pipe. He suddenly stops and addresses someone offstage Why am I lighting a pipe with nothing in it? Am I supposed to... Continue reading
Posted Feb 10, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
“If those weirdos in Key West can do it,” tweeted out President for Life Donald Trump, “Then so can I! Long live Mar-a-Lago!” At a brief press conference following the tweeted announcement, a spokesman said details about the form of government (“Think Cayman Islands but, smaller and not an island”) in the new 17-acre micronation-state are still being hammered out, including the levels and cost of citizenship and the degrees of diplomatic immunity on offer to residents who travel “abroad” but warned, “If you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it.” Continue reading
Posted Feb 10, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Renowned movie-beard growers Tom Hanks and George Clooney being considered for lead role. Continue reading
Posted Jan 22, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
IRS Reviewing 11th-Hour Request to Amend Federal Election Commission’s Matching Campaign Fund Line on Tax Forms Continue reading
Posted Jan 20, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
White House Staffers Apologize for Latest Lame Excuse for Trump's Silence on the Capitol Hill Attack. Continue reading
Posted Jan 18, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Departing staff told to also expect TSA-style pat-downs and wand screenings. Continue reading
Posted Jan 16, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Representatives Lauren Boebert, Louis Gohmert and about a dozen Republican members of Congress apologize for refusing to walk through the Capitol Building’s newly installed magnetometer. Continue reading
Posted Jan 13, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Posted Jan 10, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Apple's long-defunct subscription service eWorld, a relic of the early internet, flickered back to life briefly today in order to be declared retroactively off-limits to President Trump. The only people aware of the event at the time was a handful of startled vintage Mac collectors whose modems suddenly beeped, clicked and bonged for the first time this century, along with one Newton tablet that eerily displayed the message "Eggs Freckles." Continue reading
Posted Jan 9, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Posted Jan 9, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
In other news, killer of own parents begs judge for mercy because he's an orphan. Also, water is wet. Continue reading
Posted Jan 3, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Donald and Melania recently left government service in the U.S. and are relocating to the cosmopolitan Russian capital of Moscow. Local friend Vlad will show them some options in their price range. Option 1: Urban Sprawl An apartment complex outside the city center VLAD Here is first abode. Two rooms, half-bath in hallway. From roof with binoculors, you can almost see top of Kremlin. DONALD What is this? The servants’ quarters? I’m not sure I even wanna know anyone who lives here. MELANIA Reminds me of childhood home in Slovenia. Only more depressing with less goats and electricity. VLAD Neighbors... Continue reading
Posted Jan 1, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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Occam's Raisinets [Ahk-umz ray-zuh-nets] They're just raisins. Continue reading
Posted Dec 28, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"If we give every Tom, Dick and Harry in America $2000, where will we get the money to keep prisons and workhouses in operation?" ask Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy, adding, "There are still workhouses, right?" Continue reading
Posted Dec 24, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
The controversial move has caused an uproar among traditionalists, especially those who believed separating England from the European Union would keep them “more British.” Still, the news was greeted with cheers from the printing and sign painting industries, with one tipsy cockney touching up a pub window's logo, noting, “Well, for once they’ve done the working man a favour ‘aven’t they? Woops, I mean ‘favor’ now, don’t I?” Continue reading
Posted Dec 22, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"Anybody with $400 million to burn could have signed Putin's name," says Lindsay Graham, unconvinced by leaked pictures and internal documents from Deutschebank confirming that the check cleared, adding, "George Soros or Hunter Biden, maybe. We should hold hearings to find out who's responsible." Continue reading
Posted Dec 20, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"This is an historic milestone," tweeted White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, "At this pace, we'll have overcome reality itself by the second quarter of 2021." Continue reading
Posted Dec 19, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Noted Holders of Medical, Non-Medical and Honorary Doctorate Degrees Pledge Support of Ed.D. Holder Jill Biden’s Use of Title “Dr.” In an open letter objecting to Joseph Epstein's Wall Street Journal opinion piece in which he asserted, "No one who hasn't delivered a baby should be called "Doctor," and chided Dr. Jill Biden for doing so, a group of luminaries, all of whom are known as "Doctor" or "Doc" but none of whom ever delivered a baby, strongly took issue. The group which includes doctors past, present and fictional, all prominent in their respective fields, noted that such a title... Continue reading
Posted Dec 13, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"Without a pardon by Trump for some wrongdoing done on his behalf," said one Republican congressman, "You simply have no future in the GOP." Continue reading
Posted Dec 12, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Reporters told this Tuesday's Rose Garden ceremony will be "One for the history books". Continue reading
Posted Nov 22, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Visitors also advised to “Pay No Attention” to the president’s dirty fingernails, dented and scratched spoons and chisels on Resolute Desk. Continue reading
Posted Nov 21, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Trump Pardons Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan in Rose Garden Ceremony Continue reading
Posted Nov 19, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac