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Lairbo
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President Trump reads through and comments on list of National Parks Arcadia Is this some kind of "Talk Like a Pirate Day" joke or something? Aztec Ruins National Monument Mexico should really be paying for this. Cleveland National Forest Loser Californians, naming a park for something in Ohio. Cuyahoga Indian name for an old-fashioned car horn. Pretty clever. Daniel Boone National Forest A great American cowboy hero who fought at the Alamo, invented raccoons, had a hit TV show. Denali National Park & Preserve A park? I thought it was a river. Fort Bowie National Historic Site Wasn't he British?... Continue reading
Posted Aug 5, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Bet your life Bet your life Your existence has a price A smile is all you need here But a mask is also nice Start your tour through this door Uncle Walt’s beneath the floor The fluorescent bleach’s delicious Don’t believe me? Ask Trump’s bitches! They can spin Can’t dance, though Almost close to Mar-A-Lago No one’s gloomy or complaining But to breathe we are all straining We tell jokes As we choke While we entertain you folks For this we went to Julliard? The job market is really hard Bet your life Bet your life Bet your life! Continue reading
Posted Jul 13, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Found in Holden Caufield’s dorm room after he was expelled and went home to Manhattan. So, I guess you want to know about all this fisherman stuff. Ernest Hemingway’s newest book is about an old Cuban fisherman, Santiago, who hasn’t caught any fish for 84 days. Everybody’s saying he’s a loser and even his assistant has been told to ditch him. He goes out in his crummy boat to fish anyway. He hooks a marlin, at least he thinks it’s a marlin, Hemingway allows some doubt and, if you think about it, if Santiago doesn’t know even know what kind... Continue reading
Posted Jul 6, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
GALAPAGOS ISLANDS, EQUADOR (AFA NewsWire) Despite the year 2020 having only just hit the halfway mark, officials of the Darwin Awards have announced they are no longer reviewing nominations, and will hereby cease the judging and awarding process for this year, citing an “Overabundance of candidates” and “Uncertainty that, as a species, mankind deserves to continue inhabiting the planet”. Since 1993, the tongue-in-cheek organization has annually saluted the “Improvement of the Human Genome by Honoring Those Who Accidentally Remove Themselves from It In a Spectacular Manner”. “Naturally, we’d figured on giving the big 2020 prize to U.S. President Donald Trump,”... Continue reading
Posted Jul 3, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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"We're Swapping Out One Ben for Another, So Problem Solved!" (AFA NewsWire) At a hastily called press conference this morning, the parent company of Uncle Ben's Rice announced that actor/director Ben Affleck will become the new face of their product. Under intense pressure to change their mascot, an image drawn from racist iconography, the company believes it has found a speedy and satisfactory resolution. "He's somebody's uncle, right?" stated Harlan Dervish, spokesman for the company's marketing team, "I mean, Casey Affleck's probably got kids, doesn't he? We'll check IMDB... he is, yes, good," adding, "It's a twofer! An uncle and... Continue reading
Posted Jun 18, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) At an unscheduled Rose Garden ceremony held early this morning, president Donald Trump awarded himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Purple Heart. “When I said that I view the number of cases [of COVID-19] as a badge of honor, I meant it literally,” said Mr. Trump, “And this medallion is proof of my commitment to bravely sacrificing as many lives as it takes to keep America in the forefront of anything, always and in every way, no matter what.” Vice president Mike Pence, beaming with pride and admiration, handed the medal to the president... Continue reading
Posted May 20, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
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ONE MORNING, D awoke to find himself transformed into the president. Also, he had turned into a cockroach. When he tried to speak, all that came out was a peculiar noise. Not a word, exactly but, it sounded like "Morf". His family was shocked and horrified. Nonetheless, when he headed to the presidential palace, they followed along. Crowds lined the streets as D walked by. On one side were cheering throngs, many of whom wore deely bobber headgear that resembled cockroachy antannea, and some of whom were actual cockroaches. On the other side were people booing and throwing things at... Continue reading
Posted Apr 24, 2020 at Fairly Grim Tales
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ONE MORNING, D awoke to find himself transformed into the president. Also, he had turned into a cockroach. When he tried to speak, all that came out was a peculiar noise. Not a word, exactly but, it sounded like "Morf". His family was shocked and horrified. Nonetheless, when he headed to the presidential palace, they followed along. Crowds lined the streets as D walked by. On one side were cheering throngs, many of whom wore deely bobber headgear that resembled cockroachy antannea, and some of whom were actual cockroaches. On the other side were people booing and throwing things at... Continue reading
Posted Apr 24, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
“America doesn’t allow kings. Not many people know that,” said Mr. Trump, adding, “And that "I’m Just a Bill" song is catchy, so catchy; I’ll have that stuck in my head all day.” Continue reading
Posted Apr 15, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
CLEVELAND (AFA NewsWire) For the first time in more than 50 years, the Cuyahoga River was ablaze again last night in a spectacular display dubbed, “Smoke on the Water” as the “opening ceremony” of the Environmental Protection Agency’s latest round of deregulation. “We wanted to make a big splash,” said Roy L. Ashall, a Trump-appointed assistant acting deputy to the acting assistant of the acting deputy director of the EPA, “The president likes to put on a good show and we thought this would be a real barn burner… except it’s a river, not a barn,” and, Ashall added, “It’s... Continue reading
Posted Mar 27, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Global Warming Blamed WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) A leaked internal email, purportedly from the Federalist Society, reveals a proposal for sending non-productive senior citizens at risk for the coronavirus out to sea on ice floes. Meant to capitalize on the growing sentiment in conservative circles that older Ameicans should voluntarily give up their lives to save the economy, the plan, entitled, “Sometimes the Old Ways Are Best” revives the Inuit practice of senilicide, last used in 1939 and, to be fair, only in times of extreme hardship before then. With no indication of to whom the proposal was to be... Continue reading
Posted Mar 26, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
PAST GHOST What the hell just happened? PRESENT GHOST I don’t understand it at all. FUTURE GHOST What do we do next? PAST GHOST I dunno, I mean, we did everything right, right? PRESENT GHOST Yeah, yeah. we showed him his own miserable childhood, the misery he’s inflicting on others now, his own future misery… FUTURE GHOST Weird that he laughed. PAST GHOST Just flat-out denied it, ‘Never happened,’ he said. PRESENT GHOST ‘Fake haunting’, he tells me. What does that even mean? FUTURE GHOST Refused to believe he was seeing his own funeral, ‘This can’t be it,’ he says,... Continue reading
Posted Mar 25, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"We can convert this crisis into a cure," states new coronavirus czar WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) In his first official act as coronavirus czar, vice president Mike Pence today handed out lapel pins emblazoned with the phrases, "Denying is Defying!" and "Fake it till you shake it!" Pence has waved off recommendations from the WHO, the CDC and other public health organizations and is drawing instead on his experience with public health crises while governor of Indiana. This included leaning heavily on gay conversion therapy and "praying away the gay" as methods of preventing HIV. His coronavirus campaign emphasizes the... Continue reading
Posted Feb 27, 2020 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
WASHINGTON (AFA NewsWire) In a party line vote taken today in the House of Representatives, Republicans voted to issue a proclamation congratulating President Donald Trump on being named Time Magazine's "Person of the Year". Senate Republicans later seconded the motion and issued a joint statement that the honor, while long overdue, was well deserved if too understated. No sitting members responded to such questions from the press as, "You know he isn't really Time's "Person of the Year", right", "Are you serious?" and "What the fuck!?!" Congressional Democrats were quick to point out that the proclamation was utterly meaningless having... Continue reading
Posted Dec 12, 2019 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
OK Boomer! The New Musical Sensation Dividing the Generations (To the tune of "Oklahoma!", with apologies to Rodgers & Hammerstein, their descendants, estates and lawyers) OK Boomer, we are getting offa your damn lawn And with rising seas and burning trees Pretty soon we'll all of us be gone OK Boomer, you have wrecked all that you leave behind The economy, society, And you vote as if you’ve lost your mind. We know. You had all the best bands But they're dead now, so just go pound sand! And when we say Shut up and go away! We really mean... Continue reading
Posted Nov 12, 2019 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
101 Dalmations Fashion designer's plan to use sustainable, renewable source for fur coats is thwarted by violent animal rights activists. Continue reading
Posted Nov 8, 2019 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Reaction to revelations that president Trump ordered a "water-filled trench, filled with snakes or alligators", built along the U.S. Mexico border, escalated further today when leaked White House memos about it were made public. This new information includes that White House staffers went as far as calculating cost estimates for the project, where they encountered a mountain of logistical and budgetary obstacles. The building and maintenance of a trench long enough to stretch from Brownsville, Texas to San Diego, California alone, much less access to and the cost of diverting enough water to keep it viable;... Continue reading
Posted Oct 2, 2019 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
A little song to commemorate the collapse of both 50th Anniversary of Woodstock events. Well, I came upon a middle-aged man He was talking about the road I asked, him, where you thinkin' of going And this he told me Well I'm off in search of Yasgur's ghost Gonna hire me some rock and roll bands Trynna get back to the land that set our Souls free We are boomers, years now golden Feeling like billion year old carbon And we want to buy our way back into the garden Well, then can I roam beside you? My world's been... Continue reading
Posted Aug 16, 2019 at Ant Farmer's Almanac