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The Alabama court has also ruled that frozen embryos not be exposed to critical race theory or evolution and the U.S. Supreme Court will hear arguments to include Tupperware Parties and Ponzie Schemes under Citizens United decision. Continue reading
Posted 6 days ago at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"Anyone expecting evidence of some sort of equilibrium is barking up the wrong tree," said a spokesman for the Underhill Institute which conducted the decade-long study, "I mean, it's politics, not Newtonian physics." Continue reading
Posted Feb 16, 2024 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"I mean, what the hell," said a spokesman for the North American Aerospace Defense Command, "It's all still plugged in from last Christmas." Continue reading
Posted Feb 9, 2024 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Quiet Quenching [noun] Neologism, a la, "Quiet Quitting," "Quiet Hiring/Firing." To drink something refreshing without making any slurping or lip-smacking noises or loudly going, "Ahhhhhh!" when you're done. Continue reading
Posted Jan 30, 2024 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"And, If she did," shouted the former president, "I never met her and she's not even my type." Continue reading
Posted Jan 17, 2024 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"If the Jews had waited for Pharaoh to open a pathway between the waves, they'd still be in Egypt." Continue reading
Posted Dec 30, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
English Murder Mystery The Butler or, if on a train, everybody. Tough Guy Detective Fiction Corrupt, Well-Connected Rich Guy Tough Guy Detective Fiction by Mickey Spillane Commies Noir The Dame Nordic Noir Why does anyone do anything? TV Lawyer Employee of the deceased, someone you’d least expect. The accountant, usually. Blaxploitation The Man Columbo Best known guest star Murder, She Wrote Somebody not from Cabot Cove McCloud Whomever he was chasing on horseback down Park Avenue. Sci-Fi in Space Aliens Sci-Fi on Dystopian Future Earth Robots Cooking Show Chocolate Continue reading
Posted Dec 12, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
First Chair Violin at the New York Philharmonic Symphony Orchestra WNBA Dancing With the Stars AARP Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading Squad Le Cordon Bleu Top Gun Flight School Daughters of the American Revolution The Friar's Club Mensa Continue reading
Posted Dec 1, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
On November 13, 2003, the first Ant Farmer's Almanac post went up. It was this: Answers to Last Week's Quiz 1) Video Killed the Radio Star 2) Club Soda 3) Some guy, you don't know him. Always wears sunglasses. 4) True Grit, although he really deserved it for The Searchers. Or Red River. 5) Take the 1, A, B, C or D train to Columbus Circle (59th St.), walk two blocks south to 57th, turn east and walk to Seventh Avenue. It's on the southeast corner. Or "practice". Is that how you meant it? Continue reading
Posted Nov 13, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"I'm looking forward to taking things to the next level," said the South Carolina Senator, "I'm eager to find out more about her as a person, things like, her name and where she lives." Continue reading
Posted Nov 13, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
The former president would not comment on speculation that he had sent his accountants through a wormhole in search of more favorable financial conditions. Continue reading
Posted Oct 2, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
News gnomes note gnarly, knotted network of neverending nuisance and interruption. Continue reading
Posted Sep 17, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"For the last time," said an exasperated Tim Scott, "I never said she lived in Canada, just that we went to different schools." Continue reading
Posted Sep 12, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"He never once looked at Dolly the Sheep as merely a source of wool or lamb chops," said Wilmut's clone Ian (Beta) Wilmut.2, "Anymore than he saw me as just a convenient storehouse of spare parts." Continue reading
Posted Sep 11, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"For the deluxe edition, we're adding a chip that will play a slide-whistle sound effect whenever it detects that one or both shoes are higher than the wearer's buttocks, indicating they've fallen on their ass," said a spokesperson regarding the first release of the company's new "Gym's Shoes" line, "We briefly considered a shoe that lead the wearer to step on the nearest rake but, decided anyone buying these could manage that on their own." Continue reading
Posted Sep 8, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"As soon as this Arabian abomination hits our shores," stated a spokesman for Florida governor and 2024 presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis, "We'll gather that sucker up and send it up to New York City and see how they like it... heck, they'll probably give it tickets to The Lion King and let it register to vote!" Continue reading
Posted Jul 9, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"No way," said one, interviewed from home, "I'm not gonna risk getting anywhere near this." Continue reading
Posted Jun 12, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"Everybody's got secrets -- whether your own or someone else's -- and you need someplace to hide them" reads the ad copy, “You don't have to be under investigation to need MyBoxes®! Whatever you're hiding, whomever you're hiding it from and wherever you're hiding it, MyBoxes® will get the job done -- and done right! Store rooms, bedrooms, ballrooms, bathrooms, even in the shower,* MyBoxes® will never let you down, unlike some pussy-assed lawyers who bail on you the minute you get indicted and who you were never gonna pay anyway so, fuck those guys... But wait!" the ad continues,... Continue reading
Posted Jun 10, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"Tournament courses that refuse to cooperate will be dealt with harshly!" said a spokesman for the newly unified golf organizations, regarding drilling for oil in course sand traps as he began pulling a bone saw out of his pocket, then adding quickly, "That is to say, I'm sure we can come to some intimida... eh, I mean accommodation." Continue reading
Posted Jun 6, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"Of course, we may not know exactly when this happens," says a spokesman for various cartoonist's organizations who is holding the bets, "There are just way too many of each to calculate. But there's every indication that the tipping point could come as soon as the end of the month." Continue reading
Posted May 26, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
TALLAHASSEE (AFA NewsWire) A spokesman for Governor Ron DeSantis today announced that PRIDE -The Story of Harvey Milk and the Rainbow Flag and bound copies of the United States Constitution are the latest books to be banned from Florida public schools, stating, "We won't allow our children to be poisoned by the radical left shoving their woke agenda down our throats and undermining traditional values," adding, "And then there's this kids' book about some fruitcake who invented a gay flag." Continue reading
Posted May 15, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Indicted congressman tells reporters outside courthouse that he wasn't just inside the courthouse, had not been indicted, had won his case, and that the fire alarm in the courtroom he wasn't in wasn't set off by his flaming pants and those weren't even his pants. Continue reading
Posted May 10, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
The Daily Show correspondent's many years covering MAGA hardliners, white supremacists and Neo nazis makes him uniquely qualified to keep a straight face and continue asking questions despite responses of utter nonsense, rank stupidity and pure evil. "It'll be a challenge with Tucker," admits Klepper, "I've been training for this for a long time," adding, "Not that I'm particularly looking forward to it." Continue reading
Posted Apr 28, 2023 at Ant Farmer's Almanac