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Anthony Weiner Joins Field of 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) Within minutes of his release from 21 months in prison for lewd conduct with a minor, Anthony Weiner has announced his candidacy for president and said he would immediately begin preparations for the Democratic primary season. Convicted of sexting with an underage girl, Weiner, a six-term congressman and one-time New York mayoral candidate, still faces three years' of court supervised release. Speaking to reporters gathered outside the halfway house from which he had just emerged a mostly free man, Weiner was asked how he thinks jumping into... Continue reading
Posted 5 days ago at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Irish Times: Galway Parish Reports Record Numbers at New Drive-Thru Ash Wednesday Service First you fiddle with your keys, Dangling from your rosaries, Drive like mad then sit and wait, And, don't tailgate, don't tailgate, don't tailgate In whichever gear is needed, Inch along don't be impeded! Watch your mouth in this slow processional, It could land you in confessional! Two, four, six, eight, At least there's no collection plate! Tempting though it is to pass, On this novel drive-thru mass, If your seatbelt's not a chafer, Go on, supersize that wafer, Sundays, heathens do as they pleases, Honk if... Continue reading
Posted Mar 16, 2019 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Between Rosencrantz & Guildenstern’s debut as a duo in Shakespeare’s Hamlet and their star turn in Tom Stoppard’s Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, the pair appeared in a wide variety of genres as supporting players or, as here, with top billing. Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Meet the Wolfman Scene 1 A dense forest. Rosencrantz steps into a clearing from stage left. ROSENCRANTZ Where are we? GUILDENSTERN From offstage A forest. Can you see it? ROSENCRANTZ No. Too many trees. Follow my voice. GUILDENSTERN Follow it where? ROSENCRANTZ To where I am. GUILDENSTERN Where are you? ROSENCRANTZ In the forest. GUILDENSTERN Stumbles... Continue reading
Posted Mar 13, 2019 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) In an apparent effort to reassure a public increasingly anxious about the president's mental state, three anonymous sources within the Trump White House have separately reported that the device containing the U.S. nuclear launch codes--popularly known as the "Nuclear Football"--has been replaced with a "Nuclear Rubik's Cube". "This ensures that if the president flies into one of his frequent tantrums," says the first leaker, "And his rage-tweeting isn't enough, should he decide to send some ICBMs to take out, I dunno, CNN or something, he'd have to get all of the six sides solidly one color... Continue reading
Posted Feb 19, 2019 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Borista, noun -- coffee server at Russian Starbucks Continue reading
Posted Jan 24, 2019 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
The Kardashians Skinny jeans for men Pumpkin Spice Latte Brexit That UNTUCKit Guy Nesting Dolls Auto-Tune Instability in the Middle East and the Balkans The Masked Singer Co-worker's endless chattering about room temperature image: Continue reading
Posted Jan 6, 2019 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Outgoing Chief of Staff John Kelly has reassured nervous White House staffers that he'll stick around long enough to show his replacement, Mick Mulvaney, where the taser is and how to use it the next time President Trump needs another "Time Out". Continue reading
Posted Dec 15, 2018 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
With Apologies to Warren Zevon I voted for a mogul the way I always do How was I to know he was with the Russians, too? I gambled with the ballot, I took a giant risk Send lawyers, Dems and Mueller To get me out of this, heyah! No innocent bystanders, we’ve restarted civil war Now from the field of battle, it’s hard to know what for And I'm down on my luck Yes, I'm down on my luck Well, I'm down on my luck I’m nearly out of healthcare, I’m a desparate man The cost of my prescriptions will... Continue reading
Posted Dec 13, 2018 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) Brett Kavanaugh surprised many today by withdrawing from his nomination to fill the Supreme Court seat being vacated by Justice Anthony Kennedy. He surprised everyone, however, with the announcement he was leaving the judiciary branch of government altogether to start his own brewpub. "I love beer," said an ebullient Kavanaugh to a group of reporters, "Always have, always will. This whole hearing process, painful as it was, was also cathartic, a revelation. It brought me back to my true passion, the one constant in my life, the one thing I could always count on and that... Continue reading
Posted Oct 3, 2018 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Pollyamorous [pol-ee-am-er-uhs] adjective : being romantically involved with more than one parrot at the same time. Continue reading
Posted Sep 11, 2018 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
(AFA) WASHINGTON, DC — Hard on the heels of the president's announcement of establishing a Space Force to wage battles beyond earth's atmosphere, Mr. Trump today proposed digging a hole through the center of the earth that goes all the way to China. "Think of it," said the president, speaking on the phone to the hosts of Fox & Friends, “A direct route to China, an extremely important trading partner, just by digging a big, beautiful hole straight down and going the other side!” Mr. Trump emphasized the benefits to American trade, “We can just throw the parts needed into... Continue reading
Posted Aug 12, 2018 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
“Plausability is no longer an issue,” say those close to Trump’s besieged Chief of Staff Speaking to a reporter in his White House office, John Kelly made no effort to conceal a whiteboard listing “reasons” for his resignation. These include: “Pursue Other Interests.” “Spend More Time With Any Family Not Named Trump” “Crossed 'Keep Maniac from Blowing Up World’ off Bucket List, so, let somebody else do it for a while” “Burning Man, baby!” “Those rain gutters aren’t going to clean themselves” “Binge watch Gilmore Girls” “Write tell-all memoir and wait for Mueller's subpoena” “Just ‘Go out for cigarettes’ and... Continue reading
Posted Feb 11, 2018 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Maybe we should put the so-called Nuclear Football, the codes for launching a nuclear strike, inside an actual football. A regulation NFL Wilson. Trump would never question it. This way, if he ever gets in a mood to drop the Big One on somebody, he'll have to unlace that football first. And (this is important), tell him the protocol is that only he ("You alone must do it, sir!") is permitted to open it and nobody is allowed to help him or the deal is off. And no puncturing. Then, while the president is busy prying and tugging at the... Continue reading
Posted Oct 12, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
NAMBIA (AFA NewsWire) Emphasizing that they have no extradition treaty with the United States, the African nation of Nambia has invited Donald Trump to be that country's "President for Life". "Just please bring all the gold from your many buildings," requests Quentin Faraji, Nambia's minister of finance, speaking on behalf of the country's ruling party in an interview with the Nambian Chronicle. "Since the calamitous covfefe crop failures, our only growth industry is importing American millionaires' offshore bank accounts," Faraji said, "We have attractively low interest rates, tax loopholes you could drive a truck full of shell companies through, and... Continue reading
Posted Sep 21, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
MOSCOW, RUSSIA (AFA NewsWire) Sources close to the Kremlin report that having carefully evaluated Donald Trump's performance after six months as U.S. president, Russian President Vladimir Putin has effectively demoted Mr. Trump, downgrading his status as a Russian tool from "Useful Idiot" to just plain "Idiot". Continue reading
Posted Aug 10, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Blaming the Boy Scouts for Trump's speech is like blaming a kid whose birthday party clown shows up drunk and starts breaking stuff. Continue reading
Posted Jul 26, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Through their various spokes-henchmen, Ernst Blofeld, Dr. No, Top Job, and Auric Goldfinger vigorously denied reports they had met with White House aide Jared Kushner and presidential advisor Donald Trump Jr. Mr. Goldfinger summed up the group's sentiment regarding their invitation to talk, stating flatly, "I told them, 'No, Mr. Trump, I expect you to lie'." Others rushing to deny having met with anyone from the Trump administration include Anna Kournikova, the Bolshoi Ballet and Yakov Smirnoff. Continue reading
Posted Jul 15, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Medusa @ SnakesforHair Perseus should be ashamed of himself. My children, Pegasus and Chrysaor, are having a hard time with this. Fake myth! #losingmyhead Continue reading
Posted Jun 4, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Howya doin'? What do you think? WTF? Did you see this? What are you doing? How long is that gonna take? Seriously? Are you even listening? What are you, an idiot? Huh? Are you ready to order? Why, oh, Lord, why? Can I ask you a question? Continue reading
Posted May 18, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
1) Thou shalt not pay more attention to anything than thou doth to Trump. 2) Thou shalt not contradict any remark, tweet or statement made by Trump before he doth do so himself. 3) Thou shalt keep and remember Presidents Day and honor, especially, the current president, more even than any of the others, except maybe Jackson. 4) Thou shalt not believe in fake news. 5) Thou shalt not covet what is Trump's; not his wealth, business acumen, fantastic negotiating skills, his daughter nor any such thing that Trump possesses or doth himself covet. 6) Thou shalt not ask about... Continue reading
Posted May 14, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) President Donald J. Trump is reported to be, “Totally confident and not at all worried” about his first job performance review from Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, White House sources are reporting. Lavrov’s visit to the White House on Wednesday is the first in-person review by a Russian official of Trump’s performance as U.S. President. The meeting is expected to last about an hour and, along with the Foreign Minister’s assessment, to involve conversation on such topics as Trump’s having completed assigned tasks, met goals, overall effectiveness, growth on the job, strengths, weaknesses, and any areas... Continue reading
Posted May 10, 2017 at Ant Farmer's Almanac