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“At the very least," said a Disney story editor who spoke on condition of anonymity, "This should clear up troubling questions that have been raised about this beloved character's identity and motivations," adding, "I'm hoping we do Jiminy Cricket from Pinocchio next, because, how did that happen? But, it isn’t really up to me. Whomever it is gets chosen the usual way, a blindfolded intern lobs a dart at a wall papered with pictures of Disney characters.” Continue reading
Posted 6 days ago at Ant Farmer's Almanac
“They usually travel in pairs or as the occasional throuple," says John P. Manley, who is leading the Times’ fact-finding probe, “We initially thought they might be figments of the Real Estate section editor's imagination but, no, they're all too real," Manley sighs wearily. "Our research shows that, despite some superficial differences, they all possess seemingly limitless financial resources, impeccable taste in decorators, boundless self-regard and an innate ability to infuriate anyone who reads about them.” Manley also notes that, “For years, they migrated steadily from Manhattan to Brooklyn in search of Brownstones to renovate. Since the pandemic, however, they’ve... Continue reading
Posted Jun 2, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
In a related story, The Simpsons is rumored to be replacing Dan Castellaneta as the voice of Krusty the Clown with an authentically washed-up kid’s TV show host clown. Continue reading
Posted May 24, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
GOP takes time out from objecting to insurrection commission to rush through “No Dogs Allowed in Capitol Building" legislation. Continue reading
Posted May 23, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
“It’s slower, less efficient and way more costly, so it’s a natural fit with my overall strategy,” says embattled Postmaster General, “Besides, it was only used for about a year and I think it deserves a second chance.” In response a postal union spokesman said, “I think he’s trying to make snail mail a real thing, with, like, actual snails.” Continue reading
Posted May 21, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
“We now believe fake ballots may have been brought in from Haight-Ashbury,” said an audit spokesman, “We’re in the process of seeking subpeonas for Cheech and or Chong.” Continue reading
Posted May 18, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Press and opponents call for investigation into allegations of Tag’s connection to recent thefts of “pic-a-nic baskets.” Salmon lobby promotes "Fur is Murderous!" protests at upcoming Rallies. Continue reading
Posted May 17, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
In beta testing, it would occasionally spell out, “Like I Care”, “Who Gives a Rat’s Ass?” and "Pffft!" Continue reading
Posted May 15, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
“Each ballot cast for Biden is offered to a panda and, if the animal eats it, we know it was made from bamboo brought in from China and, therefor, a vote stolen from Trump,” said a Cyber Ninja spokesman, adding, “True, the bear will have eaten the hard evidence but, that's just more proof that only the uneaten ballots are legitimate.” Continue reading
Posted May 11, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
"I haven't seen such reckless disregard for justice since the last time I did it," says Trump lawyer and former New York City Mayor. Continue reading
Posted May 4, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
“Whether predator or prey, insect, amphibian, fish, fowl, mammal or anything in between,” Sir David sighs wistfully, “Some guys just can’t catch a fucking break.” Continue reading
Posted Apr 21, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
mehta meh•ta noun A profound lack of enthusiasm about your own indifference. Continue reading
Posted Apr 12, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Posted Apr 7, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
First dog’s only official duty for now is attending Oval Office Meetings with GOP Leadership; will spend most time in Delaware to avoid appearance of being "Beltway Insider". Continue reading
Posted Mar 10, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
A Mercurial Theater of Thin Air Production Starring Orson Welles as The Stage Manager (Transcription of recently discovered audiotape of a rehearsal for an unproduced collaboration between Orson Welles and Thornton Wilder, suppressed for decades by the Wilder estate) STAGE MANAGER (Welles) Enters stage right and stands near the wings. Wearing a bow tie, tweed jacket and corduroy trousers, he pulls a pipe from his pocket, puts it in his mouth, pulls a match from another pocket and begins to light the pipe. He suddenly stops and addresses someone offstage Why am I lighting a pipe with nothing in it?... Continue reading
Posted Feb 10, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
“If those weirdos in Key West can do it,” tweeted out President for Life Donald Trump, “Then so can I! Long live Mar-a-Lago!” At a brief press conference following the tweeted announcement, a spokesman said details about the form of government (“Think Cayman Islands but, smaller and not an island”) in the new 17-acre micronation-state are still being hammered out, including the levels and cost of citizenship and the degrees of diplomatic immunity on offer to residents who travel “abroad” but warned, “If you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it.” Continue reading
Posted Feb 10, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Renowned movie-beard growers Tom Hanks and George Clooney being considered for lead role. Continue reading
Posted Jan 22, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
IRS Reviewing 11th-Hour Request to Amend Federal Election Commission’s Matching Campaign Fund Line on Tax Forms Continue reading
Posted Jan 20, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
White House Staffers Apologize for Latest Lame Excuse for Trump's Silence on the Capitol Hill Attack. Continue reading
Posted Jan 18, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Departing staff told to also expect TSA-style pat-downs and wand screenings. Continue reading
Posted Jan 16, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac
Representatives Lauren Boebert, Louis Gohmert and about a dozen Republican members of Congress apologize for refusing to walk through the Capitol Building’s newly installed magnetometer. Continue reading
Posted Jan 13, 2021 at Ant Farmer's Almanac