"Seriously, when's the last time you heard anybody use that word?" asks Christian Marder, head of the Lexographic and Linguistics Department of the Underhill Institute, who gauges the use and currency of words and phrases. "At this rate," he continued, "Both the word gravitas and its meaning will wind up so far out of favor as to be forgotten completely," adding, "It's a shame, really, but that's what happens when a society stops putting value on something." Continue reading

Other suggested updates to the paper's slogan included, "Might Makes Right," "All Hail, Dear Leader," "Anything You Say, Boss," and "We Never Said Democracy Couldn't Die in Broad Daylight in Full View of Multiple Witnesses." Continue reading

"Gray was a good enough color for those who patriotically rebelled against this country then and it's good enough for those who defend it now," says potential Secretary of the Department of Defense. Continue reading

Incoming Vice President J.D. Vance says only convicted January 6th participants who "Didn't commit violent acts," should be pardoned by president Donald Trump. Continue reading

"We meant to do this at the beginning of the first Trump administration, as it was all new to us and were unsure how it fit in with our business model," said a company spokesman, on condition of anonymity, "But then we got all bogged down with the investigations, indictments, conflicts of interest, laundering hush money payoffs, lawsuits, cover-ups, hiring lawyers, not paying them, hiring new lawyers, filing paperwork to delay court appearances and all," adding, "Mind you, this is only regarding the businesses Trump has interests in, not anything about his behavior as president." Continue reading

"How were we supposed to know that?" say many Facebook and Instagram users, expressing surprise that such a job even existed. "They must be kind of relieved that it's all over," said one respondent, expressing sympathy for those whose job it (allegedly) was to sift through every post on Facebook and Instagram for factual accuracy and verifiable sourcing, "It's like the proverbial worker in the BMW factory who installs the turn signals. Oh, the futility!" Continue reading

At a press conference announcing the end of their decades-long experiment to test whether 100 primates given 100 typewriters could recreate the works of William Shakespeare, Underhill Institute spokesman Reese McKee said, "After concluding that this outcome was too remote to warrant further study, we decided to lower the bar and contract out the test subjects for use by the incoming presidential administration," he continued, "The smarter dozen-or-so who've mastered the QWERTY keyboard will be working on the inauguration speech," McKee said, proudly, "The rest, many of whom never got past the 'flinging their own feces at each other phase'... Continue reading

“Sure, it won’t be cheap,” admits the multi-billionaire, “But, it’s still way less than I spent buying the presidency.” Continue reading

"It's not as outrageous an idea as it might sound at first," says Syd Hartha, head of the Theology Department at the Underhill Institute, "Angels aren't just ghosts with wings. Biblical descriptions of angels of the lord manifesting themselves to humans include swirling balls of light, beings with four faces, a head of many eyes and a burning bush, so, some drones? Not really so far off brand." Continue reading

"I knew I should have bought that stovetop espresso machine on Amazon Prime Day!" says Derek O'Hanlan of Cupertino, California, choking back a sob, "In this day and age, I never imagined such a calamity. If only there were a place I could get hot coffee and some kind of pastry to dunk in it." Continue reading

Residents of Grovers Mill insist, "We're not going to worry until they start vaporizing people," adding, "Sometimes a drone is just a drone." Continue reading

Hypesteria Media overreaction to public overreaction to event experienced by many but understood by few, resulting in breathless reports containing little-to-no actual information, dubious eyewitness accounts, officials making pronouncements even dumber than usual and, ultimately, the disproportionate news coverage of public anxiety overshadowing the event itself and often the only thing about it anyone remembers. Ex: Drones over New Jersey; any shark siting since 1975, Orson Welles' "War of the World's" broadcast, the sinking of the Maine in Havana. Continue reading

"What, was Nia Vardalos unavailable?" Continue reading

"It's cheaper than going in again to get it out," explained a spokesman for health care provider Underhill Insurance, regarding the item — a forcep featuring fenestrated jaws, a flat handle with spring action, about 5.25" in length and a satin finish — valued between $75 and $225, depending upon whether it's made from stainless steel or titanium. "There aren't any really sharp edges so it's probably not going to puncture anything important and," the spokesman continued, "Given this patient's age and medical history, some surgeon is gonna be in there again pretty soon for one thing or another," adding,... Continue reading

In other news: Hunter Biden's pardon now qualifies him for a job in the new administration's Diplomatic Corps. Continue reading

Stating that, "Closing the southern border is only the beginning," the president-elect forcefully insisted, "We must also eradicate all the pernicious influences of the brazen immigrants among us, even -- especially -- those who've been here for generations and established a beachhead on the American Dream," adding, "All things taco, be they Bell, Del, truck or Tuesday, they'd better make a run for the border, pronto!" Asked about nachos, Mr. Trump responded, "No, Texas stole those fair and square; they're American now." Continue reading

The newly unemployed former Florida congressman says his long experience with teenagers would be a plus for any fast-food franchise. Continue reading

"Maybe sometime after, we get confirmation of actual threat," said a spokesman for Putin's military attache, who would not respond to questions about how much this new policy resembles Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law. Continue reading

An overheard conversation at Mar-a-Lago has revealed that within the first week of the second Trump administration, the new president would grant independence to the US Virgin Island of St. James, once owned by and now known as "Epstein's Island", and install former Florida representative Matt Gaetz as a "Cultural Attache". Also, and in what insiders insist is purely a coincidence, the new nation will have no extradition treaty with the U.S. Continue reading

His first "assignment" is to "Help Merrick Garland clear out his desk." Continue reading

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz Tapped for US Attorney General. Continue reading

After 127 years as the guiding motto of the New York Times, appearing on its front page daily since 1897, "All the News That's Fit to Print" has been updated to the more Trump administration friendly, "Resistance is Futile." The move is consistent with the Times' gradual shift away from objective news gathering and good faith analysis and opinion toward made-you-look clickbait. In a related story, the Washington Post has replaced its slogan, "Democracy Dies in Darkness" with, "Democracy Can Also be Killed for Money in Broad Daylight with Lots of Witnesses." Meanwhile, in an exclusive interview with Daily Planet... Continue reading

Trump's nominee for Homeland Security Secretary also announced plans to sniff out disloyalty in the agency's K9 units, saying, "Any of them deemed Not a Good Enough Boi will find themselves in the gravel pit of history." Continue reading

The line at the Mar-A-Lago omelet bar this morning briefly became an impromptu Veterans Day Parade when someone on it remembered that it was Veterans Day. "Oh, my," sighed one matron, "Is it November already?" Other diners debated which, if any, federal offices or banks might be open and whether they'd had this same conversation last. year. One tuxedo-clad gent raised his mimosa as a toast to those who served, "Well, somebody had to do it, I'm just glad it wasn't me." Continue reading

Trump advisor Steve Bannon hints that Biden will be arrested at Trump's inauguration, "We'll tell him there's ice cream in the back of a windowless van parked around the back of the White House." Continue reading