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Hey now. I remember Muppets on Ice, footie pajamas, neon spandex on all my friends' older sisters, and a lot of Prince videos. What else was there?
Ain’t No Cure...Except for This
By Barbara Poelle I got an email from a colleague recently that just said, “Is this March?” Now because you don’t speak Death Kitten, I will translate: March was a tough month for me. I felt like I was zipped inside of a hippo carcass and made to fight to the death in the name of entertainment...
Wow, that March imagery is like Hunger Games meets Muppets on Ice. Are you sure it's a dystopia? Because it sounds a little bit like how I remember the 80's.
Ain’t No Cure...Except for This
By Barbara Poelle I got an email from a colleague recently that just said, “Is this March?” Now because you don’t speak Death Kitten, I will translate: March was a tough month for me. I felt like I was zipped inside of a hippo carcass and made to fight to the death in the name of entertainment...
Doesn't matter what I say. What I ALWAYS mean is:
http://i1026.photobucket.com/albums/y325/ldest/OMGOMGOMG.jpg
Sharktionary Volume One
By Barbara Poelle Husband and I have a different idea of what “on time” means. For me, 5 minutes early is seven minutes late, and for Husband, 5 minutes early is like a unicorn selling quality real estate for low prices along the Hudson…a nice idea, but it ain't happening. Recently when I was ...
1/4 shot Creme de Cacao, dark
1/4 shot Creme de Cacao, white
1/2 shot Kahlua
1 shot Vodka
1/2 shot Cream
1/2 piece Banana
1 sprinkle Nutmeg
Fill with Ice
1 splash Whipped cream
= Buffalo milk.
No questions as to how I know that, please and thanks.
Don’t It Make My Blue Eyes Red
by Barbara Poelle In the last nine hours I have been on a boat, a plane and a funicular, and so a lot of me wants to barf right now. Okay, not so much from the funicular, but you get the idea. Why don’t I remember how awful red eyes are? Bluurg. Anyway, Husband and I were on vacation with some...
Aw, you wrote a blog about writing spouses. The unsung heroes who top off the glasses with grenadine and hold our hair back. I'm supposed to be spending the day with my writing spouse, and I suppose somewhere in the weeping and laughing and groaning in despair and eating my feelings, I can slip in a "thank you."
Also, it's so strange how vividly I can see that dog attacking you while you are bundled up like the Michelin Man. So vividly.
All You Need is Mud
by Barbara Poelle This weekend I saw a 7 foot banana chase a 6 foot gorilla into a 90 foot mud pit. And there was no vodka involved. See, I turned thir[coughCOUGHcough] this weekend and Husband treated me to a 5K mud run upstate. It was as brutal as it was fantastic: Some finished in costume...
I had a Traci Bismark! (and a troll pencil topper, but that's another story). My Traci, though, followed me all the way from fifth grade to high school. I hadn't seen or heard from her since 2003, and then a few months ago she tried to be my friend on facebook. I laughed for a really long time before I clicked ignore.
Names Have Been Changed to Protect the 8-Year-Olds
by Barbara Poelle When I was eight years old, I was the secretary of the “We Hate Traci Bismark Club” ( Northeast Minneapolis Chapter). We would meet on Saturdays in Beth Brenden’s backyard fort and talk about how much we-surprise!- hated Traci Bismark. As the secretary, my job was to bring my...
I feel like your animal publishing biz demonstrations aren't complete. Where's the great white shark/literary agent weaving drunkenly through schools of guppies, crying "ONWARD!" while blowing a snot-bubble and weeping a little?
This End Up
By Barbara Poelle Husband and I are moving all day this Friday, so I hope that I can count on some of you for either an alibi or bail money. See, Husband and I have moved across the entire country together and had a grand old time. I swear, these seven blocks? It seems like traversing the Gaza ...
Columbo was cancelled before I was born, but I distinctly remember my grandmother popping Jiffy Pop and making me watch the reruns on VHS when she babysat me. For some reason I am associating that show with the footie pajamas I wore during most of the 80's.
Shows I have marathoned recently, though:
Dexter
Desperate Housewives
Arrested Development
Dead Like Me (only ran for two seasons but it's great. Stay far away from the movie sequel though. FAR. AWAY.)
Mary Tyler Moore (I want a sunken living room now)
30 Rock
Big Love (Yes, Bill Paxton makes you itchy. He makes us ALL itchy. But it's still a great show)
Weeds (eh.)
Any Potato Vodka in a Storm
by Barbara Poelle So, like everyone, I am really into Columbo. I mean, unless I have NO idea what I am talking about, I’m confident saying it’s practically as popular today as it was in the 70’s. It’s like Harry Potter with cigars, am I right? I am sure we could sit here and debate between fa...
Once. Almost. I'd tell you about it, but as your own blog indicates, you'd have shot me for it. But let's just say, if I had sent it, oh man, it would have been so funny. You and I would have really had a good laugh... before you'd shoot me. So nevermind.
Or the Flamethrower of Hubris
by Barbara Poelle For as much as I loved Wonder Woman as a kid, upon reflection she had some laaaame props. Like when she would sit in that invisible plane WE COULD STILL SEE HER. So, um, what’s the point of that? It just seems more difficult for HER. Like the henchman who had to stand on the ro...
My answers were mostly split down the middle (I'd fantasize about the subway woman being torn from her lovers arms WHILE turning up my headphones), but I think it's safe to say I'm not cut out to be an agent. When things get all high-pressure and scary I run and hide behind your back and bury my face in your coattails and don't come out again until you utter a sentence that ends with "ousand dollars."
My Bunsens are Burning!
by Barbara Poelle I was at a conference recently and a gentleman stood up and said, “I think my daughter would make a great agent; she loves books and is very outgoing. Are there any things she should be focusing on to follow that path?” I quickly flashed through my possible answers: “Has she ...
It's funny 'cause it's true.
The (Monkey) Business of Publishing*
Recently I was in my office doing very important things. Well, mostly I was debating on how long I would have a social circle- or for that matter, a marriage- if I began carrying an air horn to express displeasure. But that is important in its own way. Then, my phone rang: “Hi, this is a liter...
Don't know about souls, but monogamy would kill my checkbook.
(Ha. I just realized how that sounds)
It's Dusk and the Water is Murky- Who Wants to Race me to the Buoy?!!?
by Barbara Poelle I know we are allll clamoring to talk about it, so I will start. For me I think the best part was that random scene with that socialite who gets thrown playfully off the dock by some dude, and then BAM! the Dinoshark gets her in a geyser of arterial spray, but when the camera ...
Psh... You sent me a kind and personal pass, too. Look how that turned out. Some queriers just keep coming back with new stuff. I do a similar thing with disguises when they hand out free bagel bite samples at Stop n' Shop.
Bend it like Poelle
By Barbara Poelle (still typing on phone so love me despite my flaws) So I was all set to blog all about my resolutions, you know, drink less, accessorize more, blah blah blah, and I was playing with the wording on how I want to stucture my work/ life goals, like maybe work only 80 hours a week a...
I only have one favorite industry-related moment, and I think you know what it is.
Yup. It was receiving a card with your first name written in a big bubble on the front, and your last name scrawled a hundred times across the background. Because I saw that and I thought, "Where would one even GET a card THAT personalized?" and when I flipped it over to look for the company logo, OF COURSE your name was written again in lieu of one.
So now when the zombies attack, I am going to run through manhattan, flashing that card at people and telling them to follow the blonde with the bottled water and ten dollar bill.
If we meet, you can ask me why we needed to leave
By Barbara Poelle (I am typing this on my phone so I beg your pardon on the dramatic errors I am about to make.) In this week between la navidad and the frolicking fat guy in a diaper (No, not Baby New Year. I wish. Every year on Dec 31st my neighbor Stashu Buczek slams a bottle of peppermint sch...
You mat have lost a point with the failed nun hug, but if only you had video footage of yourself ASKING three nuns to hug you in NY, you could be a small legend on YouTube.
You Put Your Whole Self In
By Barbara Poelle The Fourth Annual Poelle Polish Turkey Trot and Gobble Wobble ™ on Thursday was a shining success. Again, won by Husband, but extra points to the Minnesota contingency for style. (I wish I could post the picture of my lovely mother carrying a bottle of rum over the finish line...
I'm going to be spending turkey day running around with a 3 and a 6 year old while Dora the Explorer blasts out from the living room. It's a whole other kind of marathon... But, as you know, it will pretty much be the best Thanksgiving ever.
Got Trot?
by Barbara Poelle Thanksgiving is so awesome, and not just because I get to eat until I am sweating and crying. Thanksgiving is awesome because several years ago, Husband proclaimed it’s a private holiday for just the two of us! Huzzah! Sometimes we go on a trip, sometimes we have a Staycation. ...
The fourth manuscript is the charm.
Where is the On Switch on a Vacuum?
by Barbara Poelle So Husband is coming home after doing whatever it is that he does for the last five weeks. Maybe it’s venture capital investing. Maybe it’s another family. Who knows? The fact remains is that unfortunately, whenever he leaves on these extended jaunts, he takes the carpenter, th...
www.peopleofwalmart.com
Goats on a flatbed in the parking lot? I'd buy it...
Also see www.notalwaysright.com. Would make a great quote-of-the-day calendar.
That Darn System of Tubes
by Barbara Poelle (I had to fire Inga. She took all of my...uh...Pez) I love the smell of detergent. I love when unexpected people remember my birthday. I love when I am sent a hospitality gift from the hotel and Janet Reid isn’t. But most of all, I love to laugh. Those of you who have made my ...
I can tell this was not written by a real intern. No intern of yours would have the arm strength to type such a lengthy entry after a full day of fanning you with ostrich plumes and palm leaves while complimenting your hair and choice of nail polish.
If I Can Make It Here, I'll Make it Anywhere
By Inga Von Peepenskeeven Hello! Yesterday my temp agency, Sullivan Associates, sent me over to Barbara Poelle at the Irene Goodman Agency, so I thought I would use this opportunity to blog about a day in the life of a real live literary agent. It was terribly exciting! I was told Ms. Poelle arr...
Wow, I haven't had meat since I was about 13. I think the Minnesota State Fair would kill me. I mean literally. Like boom!, there's a smoking crater with my name on it, and maybe a dead squirrel in the wrong place at the wrong time.
We have a similar festival here, but it's with books and sometimes daffodils, thankfully, and we don't eat them.
Yes, They Are Elastic Waisted, So What?
Barbara Poelle I have just returned from a vacation back in Minnesota where I brought Husband to the time honored and deeply religious experience known as the Minnesota State Fair. We have been in training now for several weeks, reintroducing meat into our vegetarian diet and such. Go to itunes...
Okay, you totally have to go read Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH by Robert C. O'Brien now. It'll give you some rodent empathy. Plus it's the first book I ever read by myself, mostly by flashlight. I still have my cover-torn-off, crayon-on-pages-five-and-nineteen, yellowed, dog-eared copy circa 1989 and I would totally run into my burning apartment to save it.
The Scales of Justice
by Barbara Poelle I am so very happy to currently be on vacation right now, as there have been several 90+ degree days in NYC and coupled with that, a few horrendous days for me in my career. Like, the kind where I stagger onto the train at 9pm and PRAY that someone pulls a knife on another pass...
Please please PLEASE don't use glue traps to catch your little mouse buddy. They advertise those as humane traps, but once the mouse is stuck, it just lays there until it starves to death or suffocates. Even if you set it free it has no way to get unstuck. We had those in the warehouse where I used to work, and it's a really pitiful sight. Even a snap trap is a nicer way to kill them because it's quick at least (although I used to set them off with my shoe so the mice could escape, because I'm kinda crazy and can't stand to see things die. They just thought we had really smart mice).
But Then Again, Adult Diapers Would Make Everything Easier
by Barbara Poelle Husband and I bought rollerblades and on Saturday we bladed the length of the island. ( I know, I know, we came back to a message on our answering machine that went [BEEP] uh, hey guys, it’s me, 1994, I am just calling to see if I can get my rollerblades back. And oh, yeah, thi...
While I appreciate the blog determination here, I think you should have waited 40 minutes until you punched someone and then blogged about that.
Also, I have always thought of your last name as like a funky cool hybrid of "poem" and "novella." Is that weird?
102 in My Brains
by Barbara Poelle I am sorry to say this entry will be short and sour. I have been a miserable sick person, petulant and morose and mewing, like the love child of David Schwimmer and Bjork. These past few days, with my fever spiking and my mucus freely flowing, I’ve been hiding from everyone ye...
I, uh, don't know if I should be admitting this, but one very key part of Sky was based on a dream my five-year-old cousin told me about. I'd rather not tell you which part since, heh, her dream was better than my original idea.
To Sleep, Perchance to Score a Bestseller
By Barbra Poelle I have an ever growing list of bizarre things I am told in a pitch. These range from having someone tell me that Jesus told them to contact me (which is odd because the last time we went out for mojitos he didn’t mention her) to being asked out on a date. (Hey, free dinner is fr...
Wow, what does it say about me that there was once a bee (singular) in the bush outside my door, and the little girl next door had to climb behind it for me to get my UPS package?
Obeeee-Wan and the Queen
by Barbara Poelle Something happened at Thrillerfest this past weekend that reminded me of the summer I was 19 and I was 99.97% sure that I was a bee whisperer. See, in the backyard at my childhood house there was a row of really pretty blossomy trees lining the fence with their heavy foliage so...
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