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Malva
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Wow. I've had indescribable shocks of fear like this since I was around eleven or twelve years old. I'm eighteen now and I haven't fallen into this feeling consistently for a few years or even in such great volumes as I experienced tonight. Mostly it would happen before trying to fall asleep (which is why I'm here, of course) but I recall a time in my life when I was around thirteen or so and I would suddenly fall into these panics exactly of what you have described and when I would look to my parents for comfort they took it for a while and tried to help but without being able to understand fully they just began calling me selfish and talking about all the poor children in third world countries and how fortunate I am etc. I would often cry out with a, "NOOOO!!!" and in tonight's case I found myself repeating, "It just can't be true, it just can't be true, it just can't be true..." It's like this sudden immobilizing feeling that sends my head spinning and at the same time I'm making all these sudden movements with each "jolt" of fear the idea gives me. I've also however experienced the flip side a few have mentioned here (The one about living forever). If I had to say, I would say I'd rather die in that case. But it's still so complicated that deep down I don't really know... To live forever or not to live forever, that is the question, I suppose... Also, at the same time that I hate the feeling, it fascinates me so much! It's as if I tryyyy to feel it as much as I can when it occurs to try and grasp what it really is all about. I am an Atheist now, by the way. I've gone back and forth from Agnosticism to Atheism and back many times but I've recently decided. Sometimes I've even felt it was liberating in the sense that one day everything I ever did wouldn't matter, though I would technically have to say that everything is pretty fixed, causal, and what not. Whatever happens though, if my views change, I'll always remember all of these times when I've gone absolutely MAD, trembling and running around wanting to call up everyone I know even at odd hours like these in the night how much I care for them and how my foes and I should forgive each other because the possibility that we just won't be there to wrap our heads around not being there is very real.
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