December 4th is a date that I most likely will always remember - the day that reality slammed into me and changed my world forever. The day when a child spoke up that my father had sexually abused her. I believed her. That moment in time - flipped my world right side up - and all that I knew - was no more. Who I was that day - and who I am today - are light-years apart. It was a day that broke my denial and made me aware of how upside down and backwards I was - a... Continue reading

A friend of mine passed away - I don't recall how many years we've known each other - over two decades or more. We bonded over our love of art, fabric, thread and talking about dysfunction and women's issues. She was older than me - a few decades or more. Way more sophisticated and wise to the wonders of the world. Our pasts were so different - and maybe the times in which we were born, and our families. Her view of the world was large and experienced. Mine was small and less so. She carried lots of sorrow with... Continue reading

Women's rights are a tricky subject - because what is actually being talked about IS not her by herself. She is unable to find herself pregnant without a man. She can't make a baby on her own - the man carries a crucial piece AND this is not talked about. His rights are never in question or limited. A woman is left with the evidence that a man planted a child. And she alone is judged and crucified for what she decides to do. There is also a limited version of abortion - that is willfully used primarily as birth... Continue reading

We Vote today - a choice we will have to make - we vote each time there is a decision in our lives, our choices reflect our values and our morals. Our vote typically aligns with our energy. The candidate and their vision of the future - matches our own. I am not certain any political ad or speech will sway us one way or the other. Who we are - is how we vote. We vote for what feels familiar or probably what is the popular vote among our family and friends. We don't typically want to stand out... Continue reading

How would you live life if there wasn't the application of forgiveness? If all your actions were accountable and traveled with you? Are there choices you would no longer make? My views on forgiveness have changed completely. I used to believe it was kind of me to wipe away sins from others- to forgive and move on as if that sin didn't happen. This was kindness to me. When applying forgiveness - it never occurred to me that - it was a mind game. It was a thought process - and usually left me feeling resentful. I was taught to... Continue reading

“Cycles exist because they are excruciating to break. It takes an astronomical amount of pain and courage to disrupt a familiar pattern. Sometimes it seems easier to just keep running in the same familiar circles - than facing the possibility of jumping -and not landing on your feet.” It Ends With Us. Colleen Hoover "It Ends With Us" is a work of fiction based loosely on her mother's experience. When you are born into a cycle that holds abuse - and you don't change the pattern, you are bringing your children into that same cycle. My childhood love allowed bad... Continue reading

Cognitive Dissonance - "Cognitive dissonance occurs when a person's behavior and beliefs do not complement each other or when they hold two contradictory beliefs. It causes a feeling of discomfort that can motivate people to try to feel better. People may do this via defense mechanisms, such as avoidance." A friend used this term in a conversation we were having - and I had to go and look up the definition. "Examples of cognition include paying attention to something in the environment, learning something new, making decisions, processing language, sensing and perceiving environmental stimuli, solving problems, and using memory." Dissonance... Continue reading

"Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable." -Cesar Cruz This reimagining of DaVinci's Last Supper, has hit some buttons - as great art should. Art truly should disturb the comfortable and to comfort the disturbed. It is there to speak in ways lots would love there to be silence. What this art form has shown most, is how narrow and judgmental some christian's beliefs are and how they are only comfortable with those 'like them'. I experienced life in the narrow trenches of religion and how my own self judgment often then colored others. I had zero tolerance,... Continue reading

On Father's Day it is a time for honoring those men who are great dads and for some of us this day literally catapults us back into bad memories. These holidays will automatically bring up the person in your life you called Dad. I started calling my father by his given name, for he lost the right to the word Dad. It doesn't matter that I am 65 - I watch other older folks still remembering their fathers with love, joy and wistfulness -and the little girl inside me feels its absence. I think a part of me will always... Continue reading

With the freedom of speech comes the responsibility to listen With the freedom of belief comes the responsibility to accept With the freedom from want comes the responsibility to serve And with the freedom from fear comes the responsibility to act. (Summary of FDR's Four Freedoms by Darren Walker) I saw this on a friend's instagram - I love how each of our freedoms come with a responsibility on our part. It took me a long time to understand what listening was about - in how we can learn to understand another's journey. Maybe it was when I learned more... Continue reading

Thirty Seven years ago today, we were married. A small simple ceremony - began our marriage. Who I was then - compared to who I am today - is light years apart. We had to focus less on what marriage is - and more on who we are. I have come to realize a marriage is only as wonderful as the two people within it. Its value is in the character of who we are and the truths we live and the love we have to share. Thirty Seven years seems like a lifetime and yet like yesterday. We have... Continue reading

I often wondered how I would find out - who would be tasked with "telling" me. Social media is the informer. I never considered - I would not be told. She passed. I can't know their reasons, I can guess - they feel my estrangement doesn't require social graces. My journey with her, isn't theirs. My interactions or the lack there of - and why - is not theirs. My grief a long while ago - is now theirs. I am sorry they lost a mom. I lost a ghost, who I used to call Mom. I feel peace in... Continue reading

There is a humming in the backdrop of my life - a ghostly echo from the past. Most often nowadays, it is barely perceptible - and then voices come in. Words carrying the wishes, for the lack of a better word, from my estranged mother who is actively dying. When my answer is different than her wants - it appears that I have turned judgmental. "Hopefully you are never judged by people who never walked in your shoes." A brother. If and unless, I do her bidding, then I am seen as judging her. Is it judging to want to... Continue reading

"Oh the Heartstrings of Reality" was in a message from a soul sister friend. There are feelings that tug on our heart strings, stirring up memories and crushing dreams - both loving and not so loving. I wondered about the content of my heart - and the memories it holds. I often say, "I hold you in my heart" as if it is a sacred place to keep cherished beings. It feels different than "I will keep you in my thoughts". I also wondered if having feelings means you are suffering. My brother commented that "Emptiness and loss is a... Continue reading

"As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise." Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life - another comment from my brother. My recollection of doing the Work of Byron Katie, is you only do the work on things that are causing you suffering. And her work is to bring you back to reality. I love her quote... Continue reading