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Aura
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Oh diaries... Erik, together Sara and I laughed at, and complained about, the men in our lives for well over 25 years. We shared a lot together including hurts, loneliness, frustration and joys and happiness. As much as I can be sure of anything with Sara, she knew that you gave her your best. Perhaps there were times when she needed or wanted more, but she knew that it was your best and appreciated you very much. I never did understand the business with the guilt about taking material or financial stuff from you. When I would ask her directly why she was so adamant to avoid taking anything from you financially, she would always find a way not to answer. You would know better, but I tend to think that that was a Sara thing and had nothing, or very little, to do with you. She had her own rules and was very opinionated. There were times when I used to think that those rules and opinions prevented her from enjoying things or just plain calming down. In any case, remembering all of our conversations from the good days, before cancer really attacked both of our lives and prevented us from speaking so often, I am certain that she did not harbor anger towards you. I am convinced that she forgave you years ago. Also, the comfort did, I think in Sara's opinion, make up for any lack of affection. It also could be, that had Sara not been so sick, she would not have accepted so much time and effort like you gave her in the last year. Again, you know best, I can only tell you what I observed. Guilt is a Jewish and Catholic thing, so if the shoe fits, maybe be careful not to wear it. It is a pretty useless, destructive emotion. I can, however, understand how reading those notebooks helps you feel old feelings and relive old memories. As I said before, we had a happy ending and there are still pictures and documents that I cannot look at because they are too painful. I cannot even imagine how much pain and yearning you are feeling. But we cannot redo the past and guilt will not correct a mistake that any of us have made. When you made those mistakes, you couldn't have seen the tragic future ahead. Sara, wherever her soul may be, knows that and forgave you a while ago. I am saying all of this because I hope that perhaps it will help you read all of those notebooks with a bit lighter heart. Finally Erik, this may be too personal to post. I will leave it up to your discretion of course.
Toggle Commented May 8, 2009 on Love as Shared Guilt at Moving Right Along
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