In that first moment I swung open the ancient, wooden doors to my department, I felt a rush. Right after that, a twinge of dread. I wonder if this is what the kids feel on the first day of school...(Click to read more about Luc's first day back on the job) Continue reading

Today my boss handed me my badge. Yes! I caressed that well-worn leather case like a lover’s flesh. Hell yeah, it feels good to be back...(Click on blog name to read more) Continue reading

This father thing continues to confound me. I just feel my way through it, like a blind man in a minefield...(Click on blog name to read more.) Continue reading

Got the union behind me now. They’re putting pressure on the brass to put up or shut up: bring a case against me, or drop the charges. Enough of this bullshit. No matter what the outcome, I’m not going down without a fight...(Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

Saw Haddad today after a long time. Seeing him again made me realized how much I missed him, my team—my life. I want it back...(Click on blog name to read more.) Continue reading

“You’re a liar,” Jean-Paul said to me this morning. He pointed to my new tattoo, which says, Toujours Fidèle—Always Faithful...(Click on blog name to see what happens next.) Continue reading

Back in Paris after a few months in Marseille. But Jean-Paul isn’t angry at all. He's past anger, and has moved into apathy. Not good. I got my work cut out for me...(Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

I ran away from home. Needed to put some space between me and my problems—my life—so I got on my bike and rode out of town...(click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

I’ve been in a lot of pain, lately. Relentless, chronic pain. My bones ache; my muscles are in spasm, but I don’t know why. It’s always there, and it’s all I can think about. The police shrink calls it somatization: deep suppressed emotion physicalizing itself...(Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

"Give it a rest," Henri told me today. "You'll kill yourself if you keep at it like this." He was referring to my relentless search for the killer. But I can't rest now. Truth is, I don't know how to rest. That's what the street did to me...(Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

Looks like the killer took a holiday over Christmas, but I have a feeling he’s getting itchy. I’m getting itchy, too, so I know what he’s thinking: it’s time...(Click on blog name to read full post and help me catch a killer.) Continue reading

Four months on suspension. I wonder if that's some kind of a record. Or even legal. "It's not right, boss," Moudie complained to me...(Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

Sometimes I try to remember my real mother. Not her shape and form, but the belonging; the safeness; the closeness. If I let myself drift into that state between wakefulness and dream, I can almost sense her. It's a rare moment of bliss. Followed by loss and pain...(Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

By now, you know how cold and snow make me itchy, anxious--a former homeless kid like me. Maybe I can't rest because I know there are kids out there, the ones who call me "Papa Lion," and expect me to look after them...(Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

Jean-Paul shook me awake today, excitedly. "It's snowing, Pa." But when I opened my eyes, it wasn't excitement I saw on his face. It was panic. Once you've lived on the street, it's hard to enjoy snow...(Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

I see them more and more—some with a cardboard sign scratched with the words, Sans Domicile. Homeless. I talk a lot about my days on the street; even romanticize it. You forget the unforgiving ground; the knife fights over a scrap of gutter; the pain of starvation...(click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

I was supposed to be the stable one, the responsible one, the parent. But things have gone cockeyed. JP is becoming my rock. I had to become a fuck-up for JP to finally shape up...(Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

Henri and I got into a bit of a tiff today. He thinks since I’m suspended I should spend time with Jean-Paul instead of "running off" after the killer. “What drives you?” he shouted at me. “Ego?” Fear of being useless, but I didn’t tell him that...(Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

I walked past HQ today. That was a bad idea...(Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

You might think I’m a sucker, but I can’t help myself; I’m hunting this killer down—badge or not. It has to be done. And it has to be done by me...(Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

THIRD BODY FOUND. DE LA RUE SUSPENDED. That headline shouted at me from a press kiosk today. Large block letters splattered across the front page. My humiliation is complete...(Click on blog name to read more.) Continue reading

Hey. I'm JP. You know, the kid who lives with him. I'm writing this cuz he's not here. He's never here anymore. He disappears like for days and days. He's been real weird since he got suspended...(Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

Been without my badge for over a month now. Haddad checks in from time to time, but otherwise, I'm completely out of touch. It's the strangest feeling, being disconnected like this. At first, I was frantic and angry. I finally get the case of my career and they shut me down. But now, a month in, I'm feeling...apathetic...(Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

I am two men, bright and dark. I suppose we all are, but for me it's much more real, much more polarizing, because I've lived in both worlds. After all, before I was a cop, I was on the street for ten years—and let's just say, I survived on more than wits. But Bruno saw something in me, another side, and took me under his wing, changing my life in a day. One day, like the flick of a switch. No one thought to wean me off the street. They just shut it down... (Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading

I don’t know who I am without my badge. It’s all I’ve known for twenty years. It’s my purpose, my identity. My badge was my connection to Bruno, to being someone, being needed. Being important. What am I, if I’m not a cop?... (Click on blog name to read full post.) Continue reading