One of the most terrifying things someone can say to me is “Hey didn’t you used to go out with…………?” If I don’t recognize the name, for some reason I want to be able to claim dating rights. “Don Juan Castillo? Hmm I think I did. Is he very handsome and generous with his compliment? That Don Juan?” The worst is when you didn’t go out with him, but he sounds pretty fascinating “Didn’t I meet you at Marco’s party? Last New Year’s Eve in the British Virgin Islands? He had rented that boat…” If I was in the British... Continue reading

There was a time when I would wake up and think glamorous thoughts like “Some day I’m gonna live in Eastern Europe smoking cigarettes and drinking during the day, telling people about the movie script I’m working on.” Or sexual fantasies such as “Some day I’m gonna go live in the hills in Italy and not talk to anybody for three months then ask the town’s folk what stories they made up about me and make love to whoever has the most glamorous assumptions.. and maybe the one who had the worst too. And maybe the one …” Facebook has... Continue reading

More and more lately I’ve served couples where the girl seems to wear the pants, ordering for both of them, consistently being the couple spokesperson during their stay and ultimately, paying the check. I brought this up to a guy friend who immediately went into a tirade about how unfair it is that the man is expected to pay for the woman on a date. I think the person who extends the invitation should be the one to pay. Sadly, our culture is still in the mindset in which the man is expected to ask the woman out. I wish... Continue reading

I can’t get into bird chirping. I know people who are like “It was so nice. I woke up to birds chirping” First of all, there is nothing nice about waking up. You know why? Waking up puts you that much closer to getting out of bed. If somebody was to write a How to Get Out of Bed handbook, waking up would be Step One. Second of all, when I wake up to birds chirping I think “Great, even the birds are enjoying life more than me” then I get up and shut the window. It seems like it’s... Continue reading

I’ve been doing a lot of work on goal setting and expectations. I’ve come to realize my expectations from men are far from reality based. For one thing, I still operate under the belief system that at some point, dudes stop acting like dudes and start communicating with me like my female friends. To some asinine degree, I subconsciously think guys ACT like guys until they trust and love you, then they become easy going, understandable, fun loving people, just like my best gal pals. The truth is, we’re always gonna be different. To make matters more complicated, within our... Continue reading

Tuxedo shirts and tulips It takes so long to get to know people. Lately I’ve been trying to script a few key questions that I consider deal breakers, in other words, qualifying questions I used to ask the typical “what’s your longest relationship?” “what’s your relationship like with your mother?” now I stop myself from blurting out “Do you snore? Do you need a mechanical device on your face to breathe at night? Does your dick work? Ok. Pick me up at 8. You’re paying! Don’t fuck this up!” I try to have a few I can communicate with patience... Continue reading

I have a friend who is online dating. No, it’s not me claiming it’s a friend, it is really a friend. I am the anti dater. I don’t like dating. The last thing I want to do with my free time is go meet a stranger with the mutual hope that we like each other on many levels. It’s the pressure cooker of one on one socializing. Online dating sites should come with testimonials about the ramifications online dating can have on one’s self esteem. “Hey for $19.99 a month you can receive an abundance of emails from guys. These... Continue reading

I’m not much of a crier. People learn that about me over time and think I’m tough. Or less feminine. Or heartless. The point is there are a lot of labels put on girls who don’t cry much, labels which would make a girl who cries, cry. It’s not that I don’t have depth, I do. I just have a high tolerance for emotional pain. Physical pain? Forget it. I’ve been known to display low level histrionics over a stubbed toe. That shit hurts. I think I learned not to cry from the way others reacted to my displays of... Continue reading

My sister got the seven year itch, from me. We have been roommates for seven years and she’s packing up her things and taking the show on the road. Moving to Portland Maine. Someplace unaccessable by subway. It’s like a break up. I’m kinda hoping I respond by hooking up with a bunch of guys. My coping mechanisms have never included extreme promiscuity which is unfortunate for me and the men in my immediate line of vision. The thing is, I cope with change like a wild animal who spots its predator. I freeze. I remain still and stoic. The... Continue reading

I recently had a friend of a friend hound me to set her up with one of my guy friends. One of my favorite guy friends. Finally she said to me “give me your number, I’ll text you pictures of me” an aggressive move on her part. At that point, my hesitation and deliberation about introducing people from different parts of my life, is taken out of the equation. I can’t receive the pictures then not pass them on. Then I’m a sexy picture hoarder. I passed them along and thought “now I’m involved, whether they like it or not”... Continue reading

I’ve had a cold for almost two weeks. The worst part about having a cold is everybody knows just by talking to you, that you have a cold. I deal with the public a lot so I have been bombarded with “you have a cold? or you think its allergies?” “what are you taking?” “how long have you had it?” “you sound like, that lady, what was her name?” It goes on and on. People LOVE to talk about colds. My mother will call “you sound worse” “you sound better” “did you get the zycam?” “are you drinking orange juice?... Continue reading

I’ve been mean to myself lately. If I was going out with me, I’d break up with me right about now. I’m trying to get back into the self help scene. I used to read self help books. In fact, that is all I read, one self help book after another. Sometimes I would read them 2 or 3 times in a row. That’s how bad I want to be normal. I’m willing to learn. All my self help books are worn at the seam. Any chapters titled anything along the lines of ‘how to stop being attracted to unavailable... Continue reading

Someone recently told me I need to work smarter. No elaboration just a matter of fact statement. Please, Judger of Work Intelligence, show me the way. Don’t make my life a fable: “the girl who learned she worked wrong” There was a girl wandering the world working stupid. Working stupid over here. Working stupid over there. Everybody could see her working stupid. Then, one day, the Judger of Work Intelligence pointed it out to her. He told her “You need to work smarter. I know you are trying really hard and not getting the results you want. I know that.... Continue reading

I have been applying for conventional jobs. Jobs that have a set schedule and a designated desk where people come to talk to you about deadlines, going out for drinks, or, hopefully, some fucked up but good looking coworker. Not a bartending or stand up comedy job where going to work runs the possibility of someone throwing up in front of you or calling you names and laughing at the same time. A job where I am protected from my yesteryear, where going to work does not have a heightened risk of unexpected and unanticipated social visits. Places where I... Continue reading

Somebody recently asked me that age old question “Do you think you’re afraid of success?” I wish I was afraid of success. That would be a normal fear. I’m afraid to wear a scarf. I wear a scarf and I feel like I’m taunting the stranglers. I’m walking down the street trying to keep warm thinking “I’m a walking crime scene, an accomplice in my own murder. I put this scarf on, I went out in public, I knew there were people in the world who like to strangle people, and I flaunted an opportunity right in front of their... Continue reading

I like to go out to lunch alone. It’s always a crapshoot on how a solitary guest is treated by the service staff. Sometimes they try to bully you into eating fast, or sitting at a shitty table, or getting your food to go, I don’t budge. When I set out to get waited on, I get waited on. In my experience, the deader the restaurant the worse you get treated. I went to a predominantly empty restaurant (with no dress code) in my neighborhood and the hostess asked “Do you have a reservation?” with the undertone “Are you sure... Continue reading

Last week my sister Kristen drove me up to Boston for Thanksgiving, me and Butchie, the dog. I brought my king size pillow with the satin pillowcase for the ride, Butchie’s pillow was bigger. About 4 1/2 hours into the ride we were approaching our destination, Momma's house, when my sister said “I want to bring the dog to the park so I’ll have Mom come pick you up there.” Nothing like driving over 4 hours to get somewhere and 15 minutes before you arrive at the destination your driver says “Hey, change of plans, I just realized I got... Continue reading

People don’t realize how protective comics are of their comedy. Sometimes it takes a simple inquiry to make me feel taunted, especially when it’s an insincere exploration into the validity, success, or future of my comedic life. “When’s your next show?” is the most common attitude provoking inquiry. You know why? It’s always the same people asking, sometimes twice in one night. Guess what? They NEVER come to a show. Not once. I want to say “Hey listen don’t use my comedy as a conversation filler. It’s important to me. I know it’s not important to you, but a measly... Continue reading

There are a lot of emotional reactions to hurricane forecasts. My mother loves this stuff. People overreacting in a frenzy? She wants to watch! People underpreparing? She wants to hear how bad they are fucking up their lives. My mother loves to hear about emotional angst, sometimes I play into it. Mom: How scared are you? Me: Terrified. Mom: Don’t tell me you didn’t stockpile! Me: Oh you’re talking about the hurricane? Being somebody who derives a lot of self worth through achievements, the hurricane put a screeching halt to my getting shit done which turned into a perfect excuse... Continue reading

Everybody in New York is going somewhere in a hurry and they all think their destination is far superior to anybody within their line of vision. People are actively avoiding eye contact with everybody else, including me. I like eye contact but when someone on the streets of New York looks me in the eye, I assume they’re thinking about telling me I have egg on my face but they don’t have time to get into it, plus they want to pretend they didn’t see a someone in broad day light with egg yolk face. I get it. Every once... Continue reading

Summer is drawing to a close. I just got back from a week on Cape Cod, drinking Mojito’s at the Tiki Bar in Dennisport. It’s amazing what a difference it makes when you’re drinking a well-made cocktail. It got me to thinking about the best cocktails I’ve had this summer.... Continue reading

I performed recently at the Comedy Vault (www.dickdoherty.com) in Boston and I stayed with my mother in Quincy, MA. I grew up in Milton one town over so it was pretty much like going home. Milton is a small, dry town so as teenagers, my friends and I would have to go to Quincy or Dorchester to do anything out of the ordinary. Quincy happens to be the home of Regina Russel’s Tea Room. http://www.rrtearoom.com/ . Their website reads “in the psychic reading business since 1973” and they have the furniture to prove it! I can’t tell you how many... Continue reading

Like any upstanding member of the female gender, I can be hypersensitive at times. Sometimes these ‘times” have a continuous and indefinite duration. Lately I’ve been persistently susceptible to overanalyzing and acutely responsive to external stimuli, yes, I’ve been a little crazy. I’ve been enjoying it. I may be the only one. This past Saturday I was out with my sister Kristen, for a ‘snack’ when we got to chatting with the bartender. A MALE bartender. Fun chatter. Some of it may have been interpreted as flirtatious or suggestive. My sister was drinking Dickel. I mean, how can you not... Continue reading