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Zille Defeu
SF Bay Area
geek. spanko & fetish photographer / model. cook. bookworm. hedonist.
Interests: spanking, caning, Janus magazine, cooking, writing, photography
Recent Activity
Hot hot hot hot hot! How wonderful and perfect. All of this (the comfort, the punishment, the joy) are all just what you deserve! [warm smile]
Toggle Commented Apr 20, 2011 on What I Wished For at el tercer ojo
Mija - Your uncle rocks! But you are so brilliant, I'm not surprised you're from an exceptional family. Thanks for the complimentary link (maybe I should have another SF-CP party, to keep strong the bastions of open-armed spanking parties!) and I'll do a post on this topic as well. ~Zille
Toggle Commented Apr 12, 2011 on H8 - Keep 'Em Out of Sight at el tercer ojo
Natty, Ginger is a punishment for me in that during when it happens, it hurts enough that I wish it was not happening. That's the definition of punishment for us ... because we are both kinked to be around by such things, so no matter how much I may hate it when it's going on, the rest of the time I'll be fantasizing about it! And, sure, go on and suggest using minty toothpaste as lube. For yourself, that is! (Seriously, we like to use ginger because the burning can be made to STOP the minute you take the fig-plug out. You can't say that with toothpaste!) We had always just gotten the big hunk of ginger and cut it down. And indeed, did that in this case. We just added the flange as we are trying to perfect it, and we've always been a little worried that it will just break, as ginger is quite easy to snap in half!
This has left me oozing with happiness for you both -- and missing you both terribly! Also -- hope I get a chance to meet both lads someday! Maybe I'll get to be one of the boys! :)
Toggle Commented Jan 19, 2011 on Dressing the part at el tercer ojo
Sorry you messed up with thoughtless torrenting, but so glad you and Paul have this way to make things right, and had the chance to use it! Love this post -- which is WAY better than mine! [sticks tongue out at you]
Toggle Commented Jan 15, 2011 on Demon Torrents at The Punishment Book
I love this post. Seeing Paul through your eyes was really touching ... and I don't mean that in some Hallmark-soft-focus-kittens way, but I mean it really impressed me and resonated with me. My two preferred play styles are as-realistic-as-possible role-play (so unfortunately I'm going to be one of your friends who angsts about getting too old for the uniform), and then real life punishments for real infractions. In my perfect world there would be a list of things I had to do (or not do) and if I messed up, there would be a punishment for that. And then, when I was being good, the reward would be lots of role-play fun! I would also include real-life lessons like yours. We had a great time helping me study for my CA driver's license. Mr Defeu even mentioned it as a fond memory just the other day. Like you & Pandora, I can play harder from the safety of a role. If I'm actually getting punished, I can be in tears before the punishment even starts! It occurs to me that I'm putting down good material here that should really be a PB post! So I'll draw this to a close, and just thank you again for sharing this little peak into your lives. I really enjoyed getting to know you both that wee bit better. :)
You should ask Mr Defeu sometime about my mother asking him to fix her computer not only every time he comes over ... but basically expecting free phone customer service from him as well! (And don't get him started on what she was like when we all went to the UK. She couldn't actually turn her computer on without him!) A recent funny moment you'll appreciate: We were talking to her on the phone, and Mr Defeu joked, "You'd better get BBC America or we won't be at your house on Christmas day!" (Actually, it was about the Dr Who Christmas special, so it wasn't a joke!) My mother replied, "Oh, I don't know if I get that sort of thing!" Me: "It's part of a basic cable package, Mom." Her: "Ah. So ... do I get BBC America?" Me: Pause. "Look, Mom, I really can't tell you what cable channels *you* get...." She honestly wanted us to tell her what her subscribed cable channels were! She never thought to go look up her subscription, or, you know, look at the piece of paper she keeps beside the remote which lists the channel's numbers....
Toggle Commented Dec 22, 2010 on Holiday Stress at el tercer ojo
To add to your happy online/real mixiness, I've been doing really well recently, and lots of play has resumed in my life. (I'll write about it on my blog at some point!) I just hope to hear you saying that, soonest!
Toggle Commented Dec 20, 2010 on Online Life at el tercer ojo
I'd love to hear more of your thoughts about it, and I'm going to get this book ASAP! Lovely article - has made lots of ideas float about in my head! :)
This is a wonderful discussion of an issue which I think really plagues the world of TTWD. I mean, obviously we all want to keep our cherished fantasies firmly in place (because, hells, from my perspective, it makes it possible to get through a punishment!) but for those of us who are trying to work it into a long-term relationship of any sort (short of a pro- and customer one, which does have it easier in some ways, but of course less satisfactory in others) we have to put as much thought and honest assessment into it as any other aspect of the relationship -- and possibly more! This is such a vital issue, and I'm so glad it's been brought up here. I'm going to go off and think and see if I can't add something more than a "You go!" comment!
Toggle Commented Oct 9, 2010 on But what's in it for you? at The Punishment Book
I'm so glad you've found some meds worth giving a long-term trial. I hope the side-effects lessen over time. I can't be your gym-buddy in real-time (I miss having a gym-buddy!), but we can be "exercise encouragers" for each other, if you'd like. Knowing I have someone to talk to, with similar goals and frustrations as me, really does seem to help, and if that sort of thing helps you, too, then I'll happily add that to the "any good excuse to talk to you I can find..."! ;)
Toggle Commented Jul 27, 2010 on I like this one... at el tercer ojo
Yes, Caroline, exactly! I'm afraid my second response to reading it (after the initial horror and nervous laughter) is to drop to Beavis and Butthead levels -- Heh. She said, "Organ". Heh heh...! [sighs]
So, Sara, what you are saying is that the answer to my question, "Are we puritans...?" is simply, "Yes"? ;) Seriously, do I know that I live in a warm and comfy sex-positive bubble in the SF Bay Area, and that it's colder and harder in other parts of the U.S. ("C", amazingly, seems to be from the U.K. Since they sent all their closed-minded anti-sex religious nutters over to *us*, there is no excuse for Brits not to be superior in this regard!) It's just very sad to me that someone has gone along the path of self-discovery enough to admit they are into spanking, but then turned it into a path of self-denial. I mean, I understand the notion of "baby steps," but in "C"'s scenario, once you get as far as the "LDD" world, you then must remain there, never to see forward progress in yourself as a whole and healthy sexual being. Again, I'm NOT talking about people who fantasize about punishment scenarios that are not overtly sexual. I'm not against punishments that don't include sex. (Because being against both of those would make me a hypocrite!) I'm merely railing against people who say that post-spanking blow-jobs aren't sex! I know I have fantasized about a punishment before it happens, and then fantasized about it afterwards, loving the memories. But in the moment the punishment was happening, I wanted to be *anywhere but there*. You can suffer through a punishment, and even learn your lesson from it and not make that mistake again, but still be someone for whom this whole process is erotic and central to your sexuality. Indeed, the reason I love it so much is because it takes a negative situation -- in this case the submissive wife messing up and her HOH needing to discipline her, as per their agreement, and turns it into a positive one. Instead of having the HOH be stressed and miserable, he's happy that he has this chance to do something about the situation that not only works and resolves tensions, but lets him play out his fantasies. On her end, she is happy for the exact same reasons. When you have painful fantasies, playing them out is going to hurt! It took me a long time to learn that, but now that I understand it, a punishment to me is so much more rewarding both before, during, and after. The other problem with denying the sexuality of the situation is that then you are left with the very problem that you bring up, "because if it were sexual it would not then be something to be avoided, not be un pleasurable, not be real punishment." But if you can't get far enough in your development to admit you are a masochist, or not a masochist but just craving the attention and intensity that punishment provides, then you aren't going to be able to work with that knowledge to ensure that punishments really *ARE* discouraging bad behaviour, and don't lead to subs acting out to get attention. For instance, if I hadn't realized I was a masochist, I wouldn't really understand that a caning and a paddling are two very different things for me. And I would certainly act out to get the former, and I work very hard to avoid the latter! Both are painful -- both make me cry -- but a paddling is a punishment that I cannot take any masochistic enjoyment from, and which leaves me far more vulnerable and chastened after submitting to it. (Unless Papa Otter uses the Delrin cane. That one might as well be a paddle!) If he and I had not been able to discuss those matters honestly, we would have had years of punishment not working properly, of me acting out, of neither of us understanding why. Who knows how long it would have taken us, if we'd denied the sexual aspects of it, to figure out that the paddle got results, while the cane got, well, different results! Self-delusion can only cause heartache and failure. If the DD people are going to go so far as to accept a desire to be in a relationship where there is punishment, they might as well shine that light of understanding and acceptance on the rest of it, because otherwise it would really just be better and safer to stay a vanilla. This stuff is playing with fire. You shouldn't do it without learning basic fire-safety skills! Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Sara! :)
I wish I could add something to Mija's incredibly thoughtful and insightful response (and the ones that went before it!) but my Master and I are still working on figuring that one out, ourselves. Well... he can specifically order me to do something just fine, but day-to-day he wants to be reasonable and considerate -- not something one would normally bemoan in a partner, but which has gotten in the way of his maintaining authority over the years. I too have ended up feeling like the sitcom wife -- and I don't want to be stuck in that show! Actually, as I've been typing this, I've had an idea, coming from the movie theatre door situation. Since W is femme, maybe some of the things she can require from you are old fashioned gentlemanly behaviour, like opening car doors and giving her a hand up a step, seating her at a table -- things that have sadly fallen out of modern life. I don't remember who first gave me this little item to consider, but think of this: A fellow takes his lady out for dinner. He takes off her coat, seats her, orders for her, stands when she stands to go to the toilet, pays for dinner, helps her into her coat, opens the door for her on the way out. One of them was the Master or Mistress, the other was the slave. Which one was it? It could be either, and either works very well. Either he is an entirely submissive person, who attends his Mistress with his full self offered up. Or he is a very controlling Master, who is in charge of his slave's entire experience and behaviour. You can make the ritual of refined manners work for you, no matter what side of the Top/bottom divide you are on! I know how hard it is sometimes to offer up your service when you feel it's not being demanded, taken. I want to feel out of control of the situation more often then I do. But we all (unfortunately) have to balance being mature human beings who can navigate out in the cold hard world with our roles in the safety of our (all too fragile) relationship bubbles. So I love Mija's idea of asking, "What if I didn't obey you just then...?" I know I'll be using that in future!
Thank you, everyone! Your warm welcome has made me feel like I'm all snuggled up in a big snucky blanket (the big snucky blankie of your approval, is what guess this metaphor is trying to be ... possibly I'm pushing that one a bit too far....) Mija -- I'd love to hear more from you about any/everything you brought up (plus what you mentioned on the phone today!) Angie -- You know, I think maybe "just the endorphin rush" would be *fine*! ;) Sparkle -- A very public and sincere Thank You, to you! Bridget -- We have so many things in common, I'm not surprised we also have the fairness issue in common, too. I'll call to chat -- during nights or weekends! ;) Iris -- I hope that the taste of what you can expect from me is the direct opposite of Cod Liver Oil! Something like really good chocolate, or your favourite fruit, perfectly ripe. Yes, those are what I'd like my posts to taste like! [dorky grin] I guess other people had better post some other stuff, quick, so my post gets buried before it can influence M! Again, to all of you -- thank you for making me feel so "at home" here!
Toggle Commented Nov 8, 2009 on A First Punishment… at The Punishment Book
Oh, goodness! I'm totally bowled over by this wonderful introduction! Any time I'm ever feeling bad, I'll just come read this to cheer up! And, heh, yeah Mija, no pressure at *all*! But I'm delighted to be Lucky Number Nine, and will get right on contributing to this lovely blog! :D