My stylist is always telling me that I'm a "Spring." That’s super! Until, of course, the warm tones in my cheeks begin to draw unnecessary attention to the chartreuse in my bruised and scabbed eyelid that’s now hiding behind an eye patch. Yes. You heard me right (or left in this case). I’m wearing an eye patch. ARRRRRRRGH! It was 5:30AM yesterday morning when the “incident” occurred. The Judge, that’s my Puggle, decided to make a ruling on my face! He thought I was playing when I’d motioned for him to lie back down at the end of the bed... Continue reading

There I was, both legs dangling. D-A-N-G-L-I-N-G... Dangling like that small fleshy lobe at the back of one’s throat. Dangling like a roadrunner stuck on your bumper. Dangling like male genitalia that gets caught in a zipper. Dangling like the bling around Flava Flav’s neck. Dangling like parasites hiding in a Kentucky mullet. Dangling like Michael Jackson’s baby over a railing. You get the point, I was dangling. And just how did it come to pass that I should find both my legs dangling and ass bottoms up from outside my second story window? Well, I’ll tell you… I set... Continue reading

He walks into the bar most nights with his shoulders slouched down as his heavy feet scuff loudly against the cement floor - but not tonight. With dark eyes that match the hair dye he uses to color his thick and mangy toupee, the monochromatic rhythm of his personality seems to skip a beat this evening. “Gripes! What the hell is happening here?” I think to myself as “Barstool Number 9” takes his usual seat at the bar. A lovely brunette saunters in ten paces behind him and takes her place at the barstool on his right. “What, pray tell,... Continue reading

Okay, here’s something I just don’t understand… …RIP decals on the car window in tribute to a deceased Hector or Juan, Spanky, Janice or whomever? I mean “RIP Daddy” is super thoughtful and says that you did in fact love your father. But the spandex and bippy top we see as you step out of your car says that your love may not have been reciprocated. I’m seeing them on car windows more and more these days and I don’t, for the life of me (oh, uh, that was real tacky word choice), understand why people think it’s endearing to... Continue reading

If I were a celebrity, this would be my “JSP” – You know, my Jessica Simpson Phase? It’s that time of life when you’ve gone and gained a few pounds so instead of looking fit you look puffy and instead of looking toned you look tubby. Wait, did I just say tubby? That reminds me… I interrupt my own story to tell you about a time I ordered a non-fat vanilla latte. The Barista took my order and kindly requested my name. To which I replied, “Debbie.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that” she said. “What is it?” “Debbie.” I... Continue reading

I seem to be getting an influx of emails from frustrated singles looking for love both online and offline. I suppose I'm a good one to ask since I've encountered almost every scenario around. Here's an Email I received from a gentleman in Santa Ana: Dear Debbie Does Dating, I’m not ashamed to say I’m back in the dating scene. After 16 years of marriage, I’m back on the market. But I am surprised to discover how much the “market” has changed. It’s a strange new place these days with fancier packaging, new tools (like online dating) and produce that... Continue reading

I doubt that I’m the only single girl in the world to program the names of men I’ve dated in my cell phone by the visual that comes to mind instead of storing them by their God-given name. I’m not the only one…right? How could I be? After all, doing so is sheer brilliance ~ like a roll call for romance rejects or the “ones to avoid list,” if you will. For instance, “Spitball Man” carries that moniker because whenever he would start talking, his verbal pace would quicken and soon white balls of mucus would begin to form in... Continue reading

“All right stop, collaborate and listen, Ice is back with a brand new addiction…” I was sitting in an outdoor cafe enjoying great conversation with a friend when I realized that I had a problem. A car pulled up in front of the restaurant. The driver came around to the back of the vehicle and popped the trunk to expose two large yellow buckets. He lifted them cautiously and set them on the curb. My eyes widened with excitement as he motioned a waitress over to help him carry the buckets into the restaurant. “LOOK!” I exclaimed to my friend.... Continue reading

I filled countless hours as a young girl playing just beyond where the sidewalk ends --in the gutter! Who would have imagined that I would roll up my sleeves and splash around in the run-off like a scabbed-kneed boy? Yet, day after day my twin sister and I would faithfully report to the gutter for "toothpick races." It was a game we created to chase away summer boredom and to launch ourselves into an imaginary world. With enthusiasm and expectancy, we would carefully place our toothpicks side by side in the overflowing gutter and reluctantly release them to that unpredictable... Continue reading

NOTE: I write about things that affect me, whether difficult or hopeful. In all that I am going through or experiencing, I try to find humor. I do this for me more than for you. So, with that, and in honor of International Women’s Day, I give to you “A Letter To My Uterus:” Dear Ute, Lately I’ve been thinking that I’d like you better if you stored bees that I could shoot out randomly at people... machine-gun style. Or, if you were a locker that I could keep items in that I use on a regular basis such as... Continue reading

His words to me were few, but they were just so lovely... "i love to get to know u i love u your eyes..." Who wouldn't be instantly smitten by a man who... (1) Goes by "BigDaddy4U" in his online dating profile (2) Capable of shaving WHILE taking a self-portrait (finally a man who can multi-task!) and... (3) Doesn't leave the toilet seat up ...I love me my eyes too. ...I think I'm in love. Continue reading

DEBBIE DOES DATING Being married isn’t everything. And I’m not expecting the green grass to sudde nly sprout beneath my feet as I walk down the aisle whilst imaginary birds chirp cheerfully before landing gently on my left-handed wedding finger. But I never expected that this picnic of life I’ve been enjoying all these years would still have just one lone lawn chair and no man permanently seated on the other side of the gingham blanket to pour my beer into my Styrofoam cup! (HA!). That’s not to suggest there’s never been such a man in my life. Who ya... Continue reading

Imagine a lifestyle where every day feels like a vacation. A home where you are surrounded by an extended family of elderly friends and caring staff who can help you… when you fall and crack your hip. Ahhh, that’s life in Laguna Woods! One of the largest retirement communities in the country, “Leisure World” makes up about 90% of the city of Laguna Woods. Here, the average age is 78, residents drive golf carts (poorly I might add!) to the grocery store and the lawn bowling greens, and bridge games and social clubs are the stuff of daily life (so... Continue reading

Unbelievable. This online dating thing is hilarious! So, tonight I got an Email from a guy who goes by the screen name "True Romeo." It reads, "I am going to be totally forward and honest, I want to give you a massage. I can either come to you or you can come to me. I will be in the Anaheim area (down by Disneyland) all week this week. Let me know either way..." Wow Romeo, a free massage by Fabio? That's one SUPER tempting offer! And your long hair? Well, it's my turn to be totally forward and honest -... Continue reading

There's nothing quite like concluding one's 15 minutes of fame with a PSA on ELLEN letting all of America know you've lost your house and your job but gained access to a senior living community where you're forced to live with your teddy bear collecting mother playing shuffleboard and watching neighbors die... Thank you Ellen DeGeneres for this memorable moment of 2009 and for the $1,000 that helped me get back on my feet. Well, it helped me get back on a foot, err, a pinkie toe...but I did eventually move out of Leisure World (everyone in there is 'dying'... Continue reading

MADtv Invented the iPad First Continue reading

Okay, so here's the deal, I signed up one last time for an online dating site. It’s been less than 48 hours and I’m already about to chop my own head off. I can’t even get past the grammatical errors to respond to any of the mass influx of Emails I’m receiving. Take this ‘cut-n-pasted’ gem for instance (my comments are in parenthesis like an uptight Teacher): “Hi there. Don’t be afraid of what my opinion of you will be cuz I would tell you how you should run the path (What? That sentence doesn’t make a minute of sense!).... Continue reading

Yesterday, I received the following Email from a guy in response to my recent blog entitled, “Females Don’t Play Fair on Facebook:” I have one question that I don't believe you answered in your article. What does it mean when a female does not indicate relationship status on Facebook at all, they just list gender, hometown, current city, but they don't indicate relationship status? “Fair question,” I responded, laughing at my new "Dear Debbie" role. “It just means that they are choosing, for one reason or another, to keep that information unpublicized. Granted, if they are happily married or engaged... Continue reading

Bought my first umbrella today while in New Orleans for the Saints/Cardinals game. This is how it went: Continue reading

The colorful cat is out of the bag, or shall I say, “The boobies are out of bra? If you spent any time on Facebook yesterday, you undoubtedly noticed a surge in “colorful” updates. Reason being? Females on Facebook received a message like this: We are playing a game...... silly, but fun! Write the color of your bra as your status, just the color, nothing else!! Copy this and pass it on to all females .....NO MEN!! This will be fun to see how it spreads, and we are leaving the men wondering why all females just have a color... Continue reading

“Good Riddance!” I exclaimed as I tossed my over-priced house key out of the car through the sunroof in the middle of the night somewhere between Orange County, California and Pitkin County, Colorado. No more mortgage. No more property taxes. No more neighbors smelling of kimchi or “love letters” from the HOA informing me that my plants were dead. No, I was gone, baby gone. After all, my house was already on the market when I got laid off so I was going to ride that Funemployment train all the way to Aspen, Colorado! “This is going to be amazing,”... Continue reading

With Christmas now a few distant disastrous days behind us, it’s time for us all to take that collective sigh of relief. “Ahhh…” This year’s special brand of hell is over! Ours got started off nicely this year when mom showed up with lumps of raw dough rather than ready-to-eat rolls and a head of lettuce instead of a finished salad. What? This family failing prompted the sibling’s and me to rattle off our favorite “worst” ChriSMITH memories: Like how our older brother would place speakers from the record player outside our bedroom doors and blast an annoying song from... Continue reading