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Poop cleaner by day, freelance writer by night.
Interests: Sharing the truth about momhood, cheap tacos and Bigfoot. I also write here:
Recent Activity
Ryan, that book looks promising. I thank you.
Toggle Commented Jan 27, 2011 on Apparently, moms are just bitches. at betch
@Christine: You said, "Disney princess box set." I said, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" @bekki: Good call. LYF is jacked. @Melanie: Yeah, it seems like a real life reaction, for sure. I just don't particularly want real life from my talking llama books, I guess. ...But seriously-- Got any good book suggestions? Otherwise, we should write one.
Toggle Commented Jan 26, 2011 on Apparently, moms are just bitches. at betch
Dang, the moms in children's books are such jerkfaces. I was reading Alice the Fairy to my daughter for the thousandth time and I realized I always skip reading this page of text: I just opt out and don't read it. We focus on the colors on the page, or... Continue reading
Posted Jan 25, 2011 at betch
Your kid is really cute in that outfit. Those skinny jeans are crazy tiny. And putting them on her chunky legs, well that's just plain ridiculously awesome of you. But here's the thing: while I totally think she's cute and I'll compliment her on that directly, I really don't need... Continue reading
Posted Jan 20, 2011 at betch
If it's by people you know, then you're definitely allowed to punch them in the eyeholes.
Cassie, I personally use the Everclear to kill the germs in my throat and Purell to kill hand germs. But, you could probably sub one for the other. Sheree, awesome and eew. :)
Here's a great question that stranger douches love to ask: "So, when are you due?" Never ask this. It's a lose/lose. Either the person you're asking is pregnant and now they feel like they must look pregnant (which, depending on which roller coaster hormones are on at the time can... Continue reading
Posted Nov 5, 2010 at betch
Really, really scary, right?!
In today's world, you can never be too prepared. Especially when you've got a baby. To make sure you're super prepared on the road, here's a list of 9 things that should be in every baby's diaper bag: 1) 1,000 diapers. Whether you’re Team Cloth or Team Disposable, you’d better... Continue reading
Posted Nov 3, 2010 at betch
Posted Oct 31, 2010 at betch
Mattel's Sing-A-Ma-Jigs just got added to my list of Stuff I'm Not Buying My Kid. Just cruising Toys R Us, you'll find them right next to the other stuffed animals as if they're totally normal. Press their bellies and they sing. Scarier! Press two at once and they sing in... Continue reading
Posted Oct 28, 2010 at betch
Thanks MJ!
Toggle Commented Oct 28, 2010 on Part-time freelancer, full-time poops wiper at betch
Dear Delia's, I'm recalling this from your stores: Because it somehow manages to suck more than Justin Bieber. And he sucks a lot. Like a lot, a lot. Thanks, betch Continue reading
Posted Oct 27, 2010 at betch
@Michelle Dirt, boogers and bathwater are all important staples of a toddler's diet. Let's assume dirt and boogers fit under the goldfish category as an alternative snack and that bathwater fits under the apple juice category as a legitimate sub.
@Issa Do door frames have the potential to cause genital bleeding? Maybe. You're right. They should be added. @Wendy Thanks. And you should praise your toddler for sharing. @Christine Please figure out The Internet. You need this information.
It's true. That furry, little red monster is the devil. We always knew it: 1) He speaks in third person while wearing no pants, which everyone knows is only done by douches (universe's number one douche = the devil). 2) He makes kids cry and steal. When my kid sees... Continue reading
Posted Oct 25, 2010 at betch
Some people say that toddlers are finicky eaters, but that's just not true. Simply follow this Toddler Food Pyramid, and you'll have no problems at mealtime: Another good way to make sure your toddler is getting everything they need to eat in one day is to think about their daily... Continue reading
Posted Oct 23, 2010 at betch
@caramama Hardwood floors are a problem, but I'd rather add "nothing" to the list. It seems like nothing is what my kid keeps tripping over, too. Nothing is a real danger to society.
Image "Hazard: A child can strike, sit or fall on the protruding plastic ignition key resulting in serious injury, including genital bleeding." It's a company's job to let us all know if their products are potentially harmful to our kids. And I feel super bad for the ten kids who... Continue reading
Posted Oct 20, 2010 at betch
I knooooow! I'm offended!!!
Toggle Commented Sep 24, 2010 on Poor Katy Perry's jiggly boobies. at betch
Katy Perry's jiggly boobs got her booted from this season of Sesame Street. Once a clip was previewed on YouTube, moms lost their collective shit. Perry's playdate with Elmo has her in "dress up clothes," running around the busy downtown streets of New York. I dunno. It doesn't bother me.... Continue reading
Posted Sep 24, 2010 at betch
This ice-breakin' question just sucks. (This reminds me, I really need to introduce myself to whoever invented "ice breakers" and shiv them in the junk.) No matter what job you have, it's highly unlikely that your official title really describes the actual daily requirements of your job. So, next time,... Continue reading
Posted Sep 22, 2010 at betch
Halloween win. (Thanks for sending, Courtney!) (via Gawker) Continue reading
Posted Sep 22, 2010 at betch
Last Halloween, we put our Little in a monster costume and the family went as the Swine Flu. Not sure what we'll be this year, but on my search for weirdness I found some winners for those of you who have baby babies: "Freshner." Baby Car "Freshner" Warning: do not... Continue reading
Posted Sep 12, 2010 at betch
This week's Answer Awesomely question comes from Sunny: "I have a question that I would like to answer awesomely: 'You seem so great: How are you still single?' I know it is meant to be nice, but I (and single people everywhere) hate this question. Any suggestions?" Here are some... Continue reading
Posted Sep 11, 2010 at betch