I'm not sure if she ended it, or if I did, actually! Despite my frustration toward her impatience, criticism, controlling, and moodiness, I valued the friendship (as a Loyal adult child!) I called a couple times and left voice mails. She returned my calls, but not quickly and her voice messages were very...nice...very formal. And I thought, "What's going on here?" I had a decision to make - call her and find out why she was being distant (mad?) and resolve it, invest in us, or... not. And I realized that I didn't want to call and find out -- I just wanted out. So I just never called again. And the feeling must have been mutual, because she didn't call again either.

That must have been no fun, but great that you realized it. When I look at most of my friendships, I can see that the friend and I were drawn together in ways that were completely subconscious at the time, and while a lot of them have turned out to be mutually nurturing and supportive and fun, there was one that I ended when I realized that the level of negativity and criticism was too great. I felt horrible about ending it, because it was right after the friend had done me an incredible favor. And we'd been friends a few years. But, still, the favor was undercut by passive-aggressive vibes. And those vibes...made something click, or snap! It was that final instance that somehow pinged all the previous instances and I suddenly saw the historical pattern between us, or...in me.

Hey Jane, that's awesome. How did you know the friendship was toxic, what were the cues? Yeay for you!

Hey Amy - thanks! Welcome to the family :-) We're big and acutally supportive. No way are we alone, not by a mile.

Erin, that sounds like a double-whopper, both authority figure dominance as well as boundary violation that you're fighting. Sounds like you're fighting a great fight. For what it's worth - fighting with nervousness, fear or anxiety doesn't make you any less fierce. Sometimes we have to stick up for ourselves with our fear in tow. It's a new skill, to stay balanced and self-directed on new and unfamiliar ground. But I think the fear of backing down that comes with treading on new, unfamiliar ground is good-scary for people like us. You won't let yourself down - you might fall back a step, but then you'll do two steps forward ... And thats progress in the long run. Be kind to yourself. Keep us posted! Hug, Amy

Erin, you lie because when you were a child the people who were supposed to accept your truth rejected it and molded you to say what they wanted to hear (for you, lies). It's their fault. Not yours. They failed you...for unfair reasons of their own. You're breaking free bit by bit (you have those books nearby!), and each time you risk telling your truth, you heal and you grow. (Not easy, but do able.) And I'm rooting for you.

Thanks, Jed, for sharing this further. I was fascinated by the correlation between neglect as a form of trauma, in its being a threat to vitality and even a threat to life, and PTSD. Shocking...and revealing. I hope that the revisions to the 2013 DSM open up the diagnosis to a larger population in need of healing - and transformation. -Amy

Thanks so much for this post OAD! I wasn't familiar with the fable about the Lion and the Fox. It's great. I love having that visual and that story to remind me how to protect my curious, always-ready-to-help nature against...the ever-hungry lion. That's a really great tool! Thank you :)

Thanks Freddie. It's good to be 'waking' up isn't it? Not always fun, and often painful, but gloriously rewarding and it just gets better and better. Really. It does. I'm still having waves of realizations as I heal different layers and re-wire my brain after an entire childhood spent in survival mode. We're so good at 'getting through' bad times, difficult people, uncomfortable situations, dysfunction, bad jobs, angry people...that we just continue to choose to endure situations rather than realize that we can give ourselves permission to say, No Thanks, I Don't Like Drama and to walk away from engagements that don't feel good. (We live as survivors rather than people who thrive well beyond survival.) It takes time for all of that to click, but if you do the work, the universe will send you little friendly 'here's how' signals. :-) Good luck! Drop me a line anytime.

Hi Paul - thanks! Just checked out your site and blog - really like your 'Eating & Budgeting' post. Really wise. Very cool how you come at that from such a unique and refreshing angle. It's good to know about what you do (and where you do it!). Curious - what do you think about the upcoming changes to the DSM (2013 revision) with regard to NPD? Do you think it will alter how people understand or define their parents...? What does that change "mean" to us?

Kira, a red bike? I love it! I hope you have a bell too. :-) You've inspired me to try handstands... So glad the post resonated. You're right - people who haven't had a traumatic childhood or dysfunctional parents really can't get it, and are uncomfortable with painful childhood stories; they may hope that pointing out a rainbow in the sky will do the trick. "See that? All better now." Tee hee.