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April

Cental Coast, California

In March 2012, at 35, I was diagnosed with invasive ductal breast cancer, Estrogen-, Progestorone-, Her2+. With a 4-year-old daughter, this is my journey to cancer-free and parenting with cancer.

Recent Activity

This Blog Has Moved

After a year-long hiatus, I've decided to move this blog to a new, more permanent home: I [Heart] My Life . Please pick up the conversation over there. If you were subscribed to receive updates to this blog via email, those updates will continue. Thanks! Continue reading

Posted Mar 14, 2016 at I [Heart] My Life

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Let's Make a Baby

I'm not usually one for disclaimers, but this is a piece on a subject about which I've previously said very little publically. So, indulge me -- allow me to clear my throat and ease into this a bit: I wrote the following essay a week or so ago in my... Continue reading

Posted Apr 17, 2015 at I [Heart] My Life

2

The Time My Daughter Caught Me Throwing Away Her Artwork

Mama? Her voice comes to me one evening just as I come in from the cold and dark (this was before the time change, one day when it actually felt like winter for a change). I set my purse on a kitchen chair and lie my coat across the back... Continue reading

Posted Mar 17, 2015 at I [Heart] My Life

3

Scars Make a Life: Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday. I used to think such declarations were a bit self-centered. Now, I want to shout it from the roof-tops: I LIVED ANOTHER YEAR!! I'M THIRTY-FUCKING-EIGHT!! It was a rough year, for sure, as my dad's diagnosis was just a couple of weeks after my birthday last... Continue reading

Posted Mar 5, 2015 at I [Heart] My Life

4

My Secret Time Travel Life

In these months following my dad, George's death, I've begun to write a book. It is a memoir, a self-reflection, on my journey from cancer to caregiver, from loosing my dad in my 20s to finding him again in my 30s, only to loose him again for good before 40.... Continue reading

Posted Feb 26, 2015 at I [Heart] My Life

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"The color of simplified happiness" -- Jen, I love that! I feel that, too. A yellow chick, a sunflower, the dusky, golden hour. I think my happiness with yellow will come back. But like you said, it is something deeper now... Thanks, A.

Commented Feb 9, 2015 on Yellow as September at I [Heart] My Life

Thanks, Beth. That means a lot coming from you since I know you are hurting now, too. My heart goes out to you.

Commented Feb 8, 2015 on Yellow as September at I [Heart] My Life

<3, thanks Whit.

Commented Feb 7, 2015 on Yellow as September at I [Heart] My Life

Torie, I wish all my friends could have known him. He was quite the guy. :)

Commented Feb 7, 2015 on Yellow as September at I [Heart] My Life

Thanks, Pam!

Commented Feb 7, 2015 on Yellow as September at I [Heart] My Life

Yellow as September

Greetings! I've been a bit MIA from my blog recently. But trust I'm well, and I'm writing! Here is a piece I wrote yesterday on World Cancer Day... Yellow as September It started with yellow, Ended with yellow, And yellow lived at the core. Yellow, goldenrod, canary, No. 5. Yellow:... Continue reading

Posted Feb 5, 2015 at I [Heart] My Life

11

A Eulogy For My Mother: 8 Years Later (Borderline Personality Disorder, Suicide)

This last weekend, my brothers and I, along with many relatives, buried both our parents in the family plot in Tennessee. In the past several months, I've spoken a lot about my dad, his cancer, and our relationship, but besides this solitary piece, I haven't shared much about my mother.... Continue reading

Posted Nov 13, 2014 at I [Heart] My Life

1

Sick Day: The Making of Memory

I remember picking up my flannel pillow and pulling my twin-size down comforter off my bed. I balled them up together as best I could and then lugged the heavy bundle up the stairs, dragging a large portion of it on the floor, stepping on parts of it in my... Continue reading

Posted Oct 27, 2014 at I [Heart] My Life

2

The Time I Took My Mother & a Shotgun to My Father's Funeral

The afternoon before my father's memorial service I still hadn't written my speech. I'd been thinking about it off and on all week, but I'd been busy with other things: lining up the other speakers, writing the programs, coordinating with the mortuary staff re flowers, food, audio / visual, room... Continue reading

Posted Sep 24, 2014 at I [Heart] My Life

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A Daughter Pens Her Dad's Obituary: George Herbert Johnson, GHJ Tree Farm

George Herbert Johnson November 15, 1952 – September 5, 2014 George Herbert Johnson, 61, passed away peacefully on Friday, September 5th, at Good Samaritan Hospital in San Jose, surrounded by his three children, April Johnson Stearns, Dale Johnson, and Kyle Johnson, and his two brothers, Milo Johnson and Craig Johnson.... Continue reading

Posted Sep 10, 2014 at I [Heart] My Life

4

Dipping a Toe in the Hospice Chapter: Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer

Wow, you look really good! People (well-meaning to be sure!) say this to my dad all the time. Later, we discuss this: What does it mean, exactly? What should a stage IV cancer patient look like? Should he be more bald? Even more thin, weak? Less dressed? Less up-right? I'm... Continue reading

Posted Sep 2, 2014 at I [Heart] My Life

4

Mid-August Update on My Dad: 5 Months Since Diagnosis

This is a necessary post, and yet it is one I don't want to write. I need to let my dad's community know that his condition is worsening. I keep hoping the bad days are a fluke, an anomaly, but unfortunately, the more he has and the longer they are... Continue reading

Posted Aug 13, 2014 at I [Heart] My Life

8

Thoughts on Suicide The Morning After

I didn't know Robin Williams any more than we can know an actor from his films and interviews. We think we know them because they've touched us, but we don't. I have no little personal story of running into him in the Bay Area (though I always felt a little... Continue reading

Posted Aug 12, 2014 at I [Heart] My Life

4

"How's He Doing?": An Update on My Dad's Pancreatic Cancer Treatment

A little Q&A on how my dad's doing lately: Q. How is George feeling these days? A. Whenever I ask my dad how he is feeling he always says the same thing, no matter what: "So so." Translation: "I've been better... and I've been worse." He's a stoic guy, to... Continue reading

Posted Jul 17, 2014 at I [Heart] My Life

5

Over the River and Through the Woods

I remember three little vignettes in the Learning to Drive chapter of my teen years, all featuring my dad. I drove a lot with my mom, too, but I prefered having my dad as a teacher. He was always calm. Fashion: Dad said, "Always wear sensible shoes and your sunglasses."... Continue reading

Posted Jul 14, 2014 at I [Heart] My Life

1

Before Dinner, a Tonic-Clonic

Last November, while out doing some errands before Thanksgiving, my dad suffered from an out-of-the-blue grand mal seizure (now called a tonic-clonic). He collapsed in an automotive store, was taken by ambulance to the hospital, and then was unconscious for a week in the neuro ICU. Eventually he was diagnosed... Continue reading

Posted Jun 14, 2014 at I [Heart] My Life

3

Making Sense of the Nonsensical

It goes without saying, I'm not the only one heartbroken over my dad's cancer diagnosis. He has a whole community grieving now, but more than that, I have two younger brothers. We've been through a heck of a lot together, and I cannot imagine facing any of this without them.... Continue reading

Posted May 29, 2014 at I [Heart] My Life

0

Magic Mineral Broth Recipe

After posting this picture of this morning's Mineral Broth-makings on Facebook & Instagram, I got a few requests for the recipe. I can't take credit for it. It comes from Rebecca Katz's The Cancer Fighting Kitchen. Both the book and the broth are life-savers! This is my Rosetta stone of... Continue reading

Posted May 28, 2014 at Green Tea & Chocolate: The Cancer Slayer Chronicles

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Bit By The Green Smoothie Bug

Over at Green Tea & Chocolate I'm salivating over a few of my family-invented green smoothies. Pop on over and let me know your favorite flavor combinations. Continue reading

Posted May 27, 2014 at I [Heart] My Life

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Bit By The Green Smoothie Bug

One hundred and fifty days of green smoothies. What does that mean exactly? That means I kept my first New Year's Resolution. Ever. It started off as a 30-day challenge and then I was hooked. A "green smoothie," by the way, is a smoothie containing some sort of dark, leafy... Continue reading

Posted May 27, 2014 at Green Tea & Chocolate: The Cancer Slayer Chronicles

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