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Amy Lindel
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That is a hatefully lovely picture of you both. You gotz some good genes there, lady, 'cuz God knows it's not the clean living! Happy holidays, you crazy diamond.
Happy and Safe Holiday Wishes
Happy Holidays Dead Guy! Love and Laughter this week if you are traveling, (as we are!) and Bliss and Vodka if you are not. Travis and Barbara Poelle (Yes I finally tracked Husband down and asked him his name. Still have NO IDEA what he does, though.)
I vote for "It's 2 am..." because it combines Barbara's stylish elan with the dissolute energy of a Hopper painting.
But I vote that "Feathers" be submitted to Hungover Owls.
A Final Memo From the Desk of Inga VonPeepenskeeven
Now as many of you know I have given my notice and will be moving on in the New Year with both my wits and my restraining order intact. That being said, as one of my last duties, Her Pickledness flung open her door this morning and barked, “I need a thing for the thing, and I better look like a ...
Congratulations to all the entrants...you have done yeoman's service, and I suspect that all this attention will double the ratings for SHARKTOPUS so that tomorrow night, there will be hundreds (well, tens) of people watching. Now, without further ado...
I have to go with an early front-runner: SarahW, for “ Every time the sharktopus jumps itself (literally or metaphorically but not euphemistically, even if this is a Corman film), DRINK.” It has metafiction, action, sex and Roger Corman…how could I not?
Honorable mention to her husband for the “Landshark!” rule. Man, that couple is going to have (does have? should in no way feel pressured to have?) some witty, witty babies.
Modeling Parabolic Flight in the Context of Fictive Subaquatic Biology
by Barbara Poelle In reading Susan Casey’s comprehensive and compelling work on global wave influence and the impact said water behavior has on costal and environmental markers, one is both engaged and awed with her prose. THE WAVE is one of the finest non-fiction books in a long time, combinin...
Um, where's the [air horn] recipe for Last Resorts, yo? You think I'm going to puzzle that out myself? Short cut, please, kthxbai.
Long Winded Short Cuts
by Barbara Poelle Yesterday I was on the elevator heading down to the lobby and it stopped on the 6th floor. The doors slid open. There was a pause. Then, a large black fly lazily boarded. The doors closed. We continued down. The fly orbited a tiny, unseen planet. I checked my iphone. Time pass...
I love this Pilgrim's Progress view of the publishing industry, too! I wish everyone in the biz went by handles. Then I could be sure to do business with Agent Lovely, while she could avoid Editor Lazy, and we could both pursue Author Brilliant while passing on Huckster Sketchy.
Killing Me With Kindness
by Barbara Poelle I have seen some examples of what being nice can do for you in this last month that have left me confused at the overall concept of niceness. Example #1: Agent Lovely is kind to an author who isn’t hers, complimenting author on her latest novel and inquiring politely about a c...
When I tell an author, "Sales of your latest book? Well, they've been modest, but don't worry."
What I mean is: http://mainefishingtoday.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/dead%20fish.jpg
Sharktionary Volume One
By Barbara Poelle Husband and I have a different idea of what “on time” means. For me, 5 minutes early is seven minutes late, and for Husband, 5 minutes early is like a unicorn selling quality real estate for low prices along the Hudson…a nice idea, but it ain't happening. Recently when I was ...
When I say to my publisher, "Oh, we're adding four new books to the fall schedule? And they're all two months late on everything? And you need tipsheets yesterday? No problem!" What I mean is...
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_XZEJOXcMQiI/SyXtvtYaPSI/AAAAAAAAAf0/6UuvQUD-UM0/s800/Cutie_Baby_Animals__1.jpg
(Caption: Mommy, help me!)
Sharktionary Volume One
By Barbara Poelle Husband and I have a different idea of what “on time” means. For me, 5 minutes early is seven minutes late, and for Husband, 5 minutes early is like a unicorn selling quality real estate for low prices along the Hudson…a nice idea, but it ain't happening. Recently when I was ...
It's really wonderful to see how brilliantly Inga V.P. has come into her own, under the steady guidance and mentorship of La Poelle. I remember her first post, when she was just a trembling violet waiting to be crushed, and now, she is...more of a carnation, kind of brown and ragged around the edges, but tough as nails (and cheap). Obviously, La Poelle's schooling is invaluable.
A Confidential Internal Office Memo
A Confidential Internal Office Memo From the Desk of Inga VonPeepenskeeven Hello All, Welcome to your summer internship with Ms. Poelle. This is the type of position that can create a lifelong love affair with the publishing industry, creating a symbiotic relationship between you and the wr...
Ha! I thought this was shaping up to be one of those "Don't tear down other people in public" bits of advice...and then it turned out to be "she'll get hers eventually--make sure you have a wingman." Since I subsist on a diet of schadenfreude and melancholy (and sour cream & onion potato chips), naturally I loved this post.
Names Have Been Changed to Protect the 8-Year-Olds
by Barbara Poelle When I was eight years old, I was the secretary of the “We Hate Traci Bismark Club” ( Northeast Minneapolis Chapter). We would meet on Saturdays in Beth Brenden’s backyard fort and talk about how much we-surprise!- hated Traci Bismark. As the secretary, my job was to bring my...
Wow, either your new place is REALLY nice, or Inga slipped some lithium into your morning vodka. (Or both...I wouldn't put it past Inga.)
Candlelight at the end of the Tunnel
by Barbara Poelle So, the Poelles moved. It was an adventure. And by adventure I mean that the contractor effed up the wiring so we didn’t have electricity in the living room or the bedroom on Friday and then he PROMISED to be there first thing Saturday morning, so of course he shambled in at 11...
MANIMAL!!! I loved that show. It was a true failure of programming imagination that they could not see the glory in a dude that turns into a panther. Sigh.
Any Potato Vodka in a Storm
by Barbara Poelle So, like everyone, I am really into Columbo. I mean, unless I have NO idea what I am talking about, I’m confident saying it’s practically as popular today as it was in the 70’s. It’s like Harry Potter with cigars, am I right? I am sure we could sit here and debate between fa...
Jeeves and Wooster. Not as gritty as Columbo, certainly, but it comes with that most delicious of thespian duos, Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry.
Any Potato Vodka in a Storm
by Barbara Poelle So, like everyone, I am really into Columbo. I mean, unless I have NO idea what I am talking about, I’m confident saying it’s practically as popular today as it was in the 70’s. It’s like Harry Potter with cigars, am I right? I am sure we could sit here and debate between fa...
Fortunately, when sitting next to Deaf Matt Damon, you only need to know how to sign, "How d'you like them apples?"
You Can Only Blame Jameson for So Much
By Barbara Poelle So I was off visiting Husband and I finally found out what he does! But then, a delightful Irish Pub in Kentucky later, I woke up the next morning with no memory of the day before, so-- gone again. I also lost the name of my 4th grade teacher, which is weird that my brain woul...
Turns out "we started drinking two weeks before and haven't stopped" applies equally to writers, editors and agents!
My Bunsens are Burning!
by Barbara Poelle I was at a conference recently and a gentleman stood up and said, “I think my daughter would make a great agent; she loves books and is very outgoing. Are there any things she should be focusing on to follow that path?” I quickly flashed through my possible answers: “Has she ...
And then you can feed them to pheasants and get them drunk enough to fall out of the trees! (Any Roald Dahl fans in the house? No? Just me?)
My Bunsens are Burning!
by Barbara Poelle I was at a conference recently and a gentleman stood up and said, “I think my daughter would make a great agent; she loves books and is very outgoing. Are there any things she should be focusing on to follow that path?” I quickly flashed through my possible answers: “Has she ...
Yeah, those shouters are fooling themselves. They'd like to think they're not choosing by cover...but they are.
Fatal attraction
The Bologna Book Fair is the current buzz, and even though children’s books don’t touch Crème de la Crime’s life it’s hard to ignore this year, what with British Airways cancelling all the flights because of the cabin crew strike. And the London Book Fair is the next-but-two big event on my cale...
Seems to me you would want to leave the evidence of arson _in_ the fire, for ease of destruction. But what do I know? I just handle sea mammal care and grooming.
To: Jon, or NOT To: Jon
by Barbara Poelle My colleague here, Jon Sternfeld, has an awesome book out today by author David Chura. Here is a brief quote from one of the blurbs: "In thick and unvarnished descriptions, David Chura takes us into the growing gulag of American youth prisons and shows us the fractured faces a...
James Patterson has other people to eat his Chinese food for him.
And Always Try to Get a Laugh-in.
by Barbara Poelle Can it pul-LEASE be spring already? Is there some sort of fairy or patron saint or muse or something of spring? If so I would like to find her and knock her down and choke her and scream SPRING NOW in her face over and over as I rapped her skull against the pavement. At least ...
Ha! Loved the joke...laughed so hard I nearly bobbled my rum punch. But I confess the cheesecake mention just made me think, "Mmm, cheesecake would be good right now..."
Because Nunchucks Would Make a lot of Splashing Sounds
by Barbara Poelle On Sunday I was eating an entire chocolate cheesecake with a spoon on a bench in a cold but sunny spot in my neighborhood. A young woman sat down next to me and said politely, “Wow! You look like you are really enjoying that!” I did not respond. She continued, “I could never e...
Jeff, like Dana said, that's what pseudonyms are for! You can write whatever you like, but when you've trained readers to expect Coke, no fair swapping in Dr. Pepper without a heads-up. And hey, if you become a hit in two different subgenres, there's nothing that says you can't eventually reveal that you're the same person--works for Nora Roberts/J.D. Robb, among others!
Your One True Brand
Dana Kaye I was talking with the wise Jon Jordan yesterday and we got into a discussion about branding. For promotion and sales, it's very important that authors have a brand, that buyers have a sense of what they're going to get when they pick up Author Doe's book. Elmore Leaonard's brand is go...
The dugong looks a little down. Perhaps because his memoir didn't perform as well as MANATEE: Who You Callin' a Sea Cow?
Expect the Unexpected
by Barbara Poelle I have a bad case of the Februaries and it is only 2/2. The kind of Februaries that makes me consider hiring a young Nepalese boy to apathetically feed me beige foods with grainy consistency and to install one of those showers for the elderly so I don’t really even have to sta...
I find that if you soak your query stationery in a tincture of vodka and shark pheromones before sending, Ms. Poelle gets to it twice as fast.
If "Perfect" Came Straight Up, I Would Be in Mensa
by Barbara Poelle So as we all know I spend most of my working hours slugging polish vodka from a Saved by the Bell collectors mug and firing old raisins from a pea shooter at the pigeons on the ledge, but some of my colleagues work very hard- very hard indeed!- at their jobs. And although thes...
Better watch your back, Jabowski. I'll get you, and your pretty husband, too!
My Cheekbones Will Look Great in High Def
by Barbara Poelle Recently I lost my mind over a very well reviewed, accolade-heavy literary mystery. I mean, I was spewing the kind of geyser of bile generally only reserved for whale poachers and spaghetti straps. I have such a hatred for this book that I wish this book was carrying somethin...
I'm just jealous it wasn't me being poured out of a cab with you. I hope you'll call me before your next family dinner ;->.
Bend it like Poelle
By Barbara Poelle (still typing on phone so love me despite my flaws) So I was all set to blog all about my resolutions, you know, drink less, accessorize more, blah blah blah, and I was playing with the wording on how I want to stucture my work/ life goals, like maybe work only 80 hours a week a...
You know my top publishing memory of 2009 is negotiating a book deal completely over GChat! (It helps that this happened pretty recently...my memory ain't what it used to be.)
And my resolution for 2010 is to respond to all of my submissions within a week...no, two weeks...hmm, better make it three...oh, please, who am I kidding?
If we meet, you can ask me why we needed to leave
By Barbara Poelle (I am typing this on my phone so I beg your pardon on the dramatic errors I am about to make.) In this week between la navidad and the frolicking fat guy in a diaper (No, not Baby New Year. I wish. Every year on Dec 31st my neighbor Stashu Buczek slams a bottle of peppermint sch...
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