That is a hatefully lovely picture of you both. You gotz some good genes there, lady, 'cuz God knows it's not the clean living! Happy holidays, you crazy diamond.

I vote for "It's 2 am..." because it combines Barbara's stylish elan with the dissolute energy of a Hopper painting. But I vote that "Feathers" be submitted to Hungover Owls.

Congratulations to all the entrants...you have done yeoman's service, and I suspect that all this attention will double the ratings for SHARKTOPUS so that tomorrow night, there will be hundreds (well, tens) of people watching. Now, without further ado... I have to go with an early front-runner: SarahW, for “ Every time the sharktopus jumps itself (literally or metaphorically but not euphemistically, even if this is a Corman film), DRINK.” It has metafiction, action, sex and Roger Corman…how could I not? Honorable mention to her husband for the “Landshark!” rule. Man, that couple is going to have (does have? should in no way feel pressured to have?) some witty, witty babies.

Um, where's the [air horn] recipe for Last Resorts, yo? You think I'm going to puzzle that out myself? Short cut, please, kthxbai.

I love this Pilgrim's Progress view of the publishing industry, too! I wish everyone in the biz went by handles. Then I could be sure to do business with Agent Lovely, while she could avoid Editor Lazy, and we could both pursue Author Brilliant while passing on Huckster Sketchy.

When I tell an author, "Sales of your latest book? Well, they've been modest, but don't worry." What I mean is: http://mainefishingtoday.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/dead%20fish.jpg

When I say to my publisher, "Oh, we're adding four new books to the fall schedule? And they're all two months late on everything? And you need tipsheets yesterday? No problem!" What I mean is... http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_XZEJOXcMQiI/SyXtvtYaPSI/AAAAAAAAAf0/6UuvQUD-UM0/s800/Cutie_Baby_Animals__1.jpg (Caption: Mommy, help me!)

It's really wonderful to see how brilliantly Inga V.P. has come into her own, under the steady guidance and mentorship of La Poelle. I remember her first post, when she was just a trembling violet waiting to be crushed, and now, she is...more of a carnation, kind of brown and ragged around the edges, but tough as nails (and cheap). Obviously, La Poelle's schooling is invaluable.

Ha! I thought this was shaping up to be one of those "Don't tear down other people in public" bits of advice...and then it turned out to be "she'll get hers eventually--make sure you have a wingman." Since I subsist on a diet of schadenfreude and melancholy (and sour cream & onion potato chips), naturally I loved this post.

Wow, either your new place is REALLY nice, or Inga slipped some lithium into your morning vodka. (Or both...I wouldn't put it past Inga.)

MANIMAL!!! I loved that show. It was a true failure of programming imagination that they could not see the glory in a dude that turns into a panther. Sigh.

Jeeves and Wooster. Not as gritty as Columbo, certainly, but it comes with that most delicious of thespian duos, Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry.

Fortunately, when sitting next to Deaf Matt Damon, you only need to know how to sign, "How d'you like them apples?"

Turns out "we started drinking two weeks before and haven't stopped" applies equally to writers, editors and agents!

And then you can feed them to pheasants and get them drunk enough to fall out of the trees! (Any Roald Dahl fans in the house? No? Just me?)

Yeah, those shouters are fooling themselves. They'd like to think they're not choosing by cover...but they are.

Seems to me you would want to leave the evidence of arson _in_ the fire, for ease of destruction. But what do I know? I just handle sea mammal care and grooming.

James Patterson has other people to eat his Chinese food for him.

Ha! Loved the joke...laughed so hard I nearly bobbled my rum punch. But I confess the cheesecake mention just made me think, "Mmm, cheesecake would be good right now..."

Jeff, like Dana said, that's what pseudonyms are for! You can write whatever you like, but when you've trained readers to expect Coke, no fair swapping in Dr. Pepper without a heads-up. And hey, if you become a hit in two different subgenres, there's nothing that says you can't eventually reveal that you're the same person--works for Nora Roberts/J.D. Robb, among others!

The dugong looks a little down. Perhaps because his memoir didn't perform as well as MANATEE: Who You Callin' a Sea Cow?

I find that if you soak your query stationery in a tincture of vodka and shark pheromones before sending, Ms. Poelle gets to it twice as fast.

Better watch your back, Jabowski. I'll get you, and your pretty husband, too!

I'm just jealous it wasn't me being poured out of a cab with you. I hope you'll call me before your next family dinner ;->.

You know my top publishing memory of 2009 is negotiating a book deal completely over GChat! (It helps that this happened pretty recently...my memory ain't what it used to be.) And my resolution for 2010 is to respond to all of my submissions within a week...no, two weeks...hmm, better make it three...oh, please, who am I kidding?