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Claude

Not-so-stylish musings of a New York transplant to Charm City

Recent Activity

Way Too Many Details

Nina Van Horn: You think too much. Maya Gallo: That's my style. Nina Van Horn: Yeah, well, you've been trying the same style for fifteen years now. How's that working out? —Just Shoot Me!, “Maya Stops Thinking” (5/3/01) -------------------------------------------------- Warning:... Continue reading

Posted Apr 10, 2017 at Baltimore Diary

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Rhapsody in Balut

[Flipping a coin to choose between "ducks" and "clowns."] Joey: Ducks is "Heads", because ducks have heads. [a long beat] Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday? —Friends, “The One With the Baby on the Bus” (11/2/95)... Continue reading

Posted Apr 4, 2017 at Baltimore Diary

1

Thanks for Sharing

Frankie Heck: Okay, listen, Mike, I was thinking. You know how we always say that only losers and sad, pathetic people go out to dinner for Thanksgiving? Mike Heck: So you're saying we're going out this year? —The Middle, “Thanksgiving... Continue reading

Posted Oct 16, 2016 at Baltimore Diary

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A Little Poetry

Daffy Duck: [singing] From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli/Hear those bells of freedom ringing - Oh, no, it's just the phone for me. —Draftee Daffy (1/23/45) --------------------------------------- This afternoon, I had the TV on, and I... Continue reading

Posted Sep 24, 2016 at Baltimore Diary

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Why I Was Late to Work Today

Leslie Knope: George, I notice you're wearing glasses; yet, on the day in question, I don't recall you wearing glasses. Could it be because you WEREN'T wearing glasses? George: I never wear 'em on the job. Leslie Knope: Can you... Continue reading

Posted Sep 1, 2016 at Baltimore Diary

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Soak Up The Sun

Maj. Don West: We're not getting any power. Must be a loose connection in the solar batteries. I'll go up and see if I can fix 'em. —Lost in Space, “The Hungry Sea” (10/13/65) -------------------------------------------------------- I was saving this story... Continue reading

Posted Apr 9, 2016 at Baltimore Diary

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Everybody Must Get Stones

William Shatner: I was recently at a celebrity auction where I sold one of my kidney stones for $75,000. Oh, yeah. And do you understand what I have done? I synthesized uric acid and calcium inside my bladder and turned... Continue reading

Posted Feb 8, 2016 at Baltimore Diary

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Everything Comes in Trees

Cameron Tucker: Mitchell, where were we sitting when Lily first rolled over? Mitchell Pritchett: Under this tree. Cameron Tucker: Where is home base when we play hide and seek? Mitchell Pritchett: Under this tree. Cameron Tucker: And where did we... Continue reading

Posted Jul 15, 2015 at Baltimore Diary

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Principal Skinner: Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. --The Simpsons, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much" (5/5/94) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- This morning, as I stumbled down the stairs in my... Continue reading

Posted Apr 17, 2015 at Baltimore Diary

1

Somewhere Out There

Eric: Okay, guys. Road trip checklist…Car? Check. Okay. We're good. —That 70s Show, “Canadian Road Trip” (5/8/01) -------------------------------------------------- A Facebook friend of mine recently posted a link to an article about someone who did a road trip around the entire... Continue reading

Posted Mar 1, 2015 at Baltimore Diary

3

Shell Answer Man Got Nothing On Me

Maggie O'Keefe: Command of trivia is one of the things that attracted me to Cliff. That and his manners. —Cheers, “Ma’s Little Maggie” (10/17/91) --------------------------------------------------------- Holy cats! It’s time once again for Mister Answer Guy, who takes the hardest of... Continue reading

Posted Feb 10, 2015 at Baltimore Diary

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My Social Experiment

Leslie Knope: By Swanson standards, we're close. I know when your birthday is. Ron Swanson: So does Baskin-Robbins. —Parks and Recreation, “Ron and Diane” (12/6/12) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Back in 2011… (This is the part where your screen gets all wavy and... Continue reading

Posted Feb 5, 2015 at Baltimore Diary

1

What’s Up My Butt? Nothing, Guaranteed.

Colonel Wortman: [on the phone] Colonel Wortman here, General Kelly's aide. Now listen carefully, this is an order. Take the General's body, put it in a Jeep, and drive it up to G sector. 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, sir, there's no... Continue reading

Posted Feb 2, 2015 at Baltimore Diary

1

The Hooker, The Grifters, and Me

Leon Tao: It's not technically a crime to scam a scammer! —Person of Interest, “All In” (3/20/13) ------------------------------------------------------- This has happened to me at least three times while traveling along the I-95 corridor: I’m in a rest area, usually on... Continue reading

Posted Jan 28, 2015 at Baltimore Diary

3

What’s Opera, Doc?

Josh Lyman: I'm just sayin' if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer. Donna Moss: If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights. —The West Wing, “17 People” (4/4/01) -------------------------------------------------------------------- Last weekend,... Continue reading

Posted Nov 20, 2014 at Baltimore Diary

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Physics Lessons

Freebie: Hi, Fred. We got a little accident. Could you send a tow truck, please, to 618 Elm Street? Hold it. It's the, uh, third floor, apartment 304. —Freebie and the Bean (1974) ---------------------------------------- …And the hits just keep on... Continue reading

Posted Oct 2, 2014 at Baltimore Diary

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I had me a very exciting adventure last night. I’d gotten a late departure from work because of a project I was working on involving mailing letters to all the parents on my caseload. The letters wound up not being... Continue reading

Posted Oct 2, 2014 at Baltimore Diary

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Lily Marcigan: Smokey Bear says, "Only you can prevent forest fires." Phyllis Nefler: Well, Smokey Bear isn't going through a horribly messy divorce. —Troop Beverly Hills (1989) -------------------------------------------- Back in the summer of 1942, the US Forestry Service recognized that... Continue reading

Posted Aug 11, 2014 at Baltimore Diary

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Stan: We buried you. There was a coffin, a gravestone...the whole thing. Chuck Noland: I had a coffin? [Stan nods] Chuck Noland: Well, what was in it? —Castaway (2000) ---------------------------------------------- When you’re dealing with closing out the various business bits... Continue reading

Posted Aug 1, 2014 at Baltimore Diary

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Larry The Cable Guy: Anyway, I go to the flower feller, and get her flowers, and a card. And he asks me what this is for. And I tell him my grandma just passed away, hundred and four years old.... Continue reading

Posted Jul 23, 2014 at Baltimore Diary

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Off We Go Into the…Wait, Never Mind.

B.J.: I got as far as Guam and all flights are canceled, nothing going in or out. I'm sitting there in this crummy officers club, and this guy comes up to me, and says, "You Hunnicutt the doctor?" Now, I... Continue reading

Posted Jul 14, 2014 at Baltimore Diary

1

Affirmations in My Food

Jules: Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France? Brett: No. Jules: Tell him, Vincent. Vincent: Royale with Cheese. Jules: Royale with Cheese! Do you know why they call it a Royale with Cheese? Brett:... Continue reading

Posted Jun 14, 2014 at Baltimore Diary

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Not Everyone Remembers Them the One Time A Year…

Western Union Man: Excuse Me! Excuse Me! I have a telegram for one of you ladies from the War Department. Let's see here... boy, I hate these, these are the worst! The least the Army could do is send someone... Continue reading

Posted May 26, 2014 at Baltimore Diary

2

Rage Against the Thing

Kelly Scott: Could you be a little more condescending? 'Cause I'm not real great with subtlety. —Lake Placid (1999) ---------------------------------- I haven’t been getting along with some technology lately. Here are two examples: 1) There’s a snack machine I’ve been... Continue reading

Posted May 20, 2014 at Baltimore Diary

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True Stories Can Be Parables

The Mandarin: A true story about fortune cookies. They look Chinese. They sound... Chinese. But they're actually an American invention. Which is why they're hollow, full of lies, and leave a bad taste in the mouth. —Iron Man 3 (2013)... Continue reading

Posted Apr 5, 2014 at Baltimore Diary

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