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Danny Baird
New York, NY
Recent Activity
A Dreaded Birthday by Danny Baird I'm taking the LSATs in June. A misguided 19 year old decided that if he hadn't made a name for himself by the time he was 24, he needed to get his backup career in gear. This past Wednesday I turned 25. I suppose it's time to put that plan into action. That's not to say that I've given up on a career as an artist. I've written two shows going to fringe festivals this summer. I've got a book manuscript that I'm still shopping around. Hell, I've got about 6 projects on my... Continue reading
Posted Apr 25, 2016 at Crazytown
Alternate Title: Pretension Wars by Danny Baird There’s a beat-up, red SUV that I see every day while I walk to work. Proudly displayed is a bumper sticker that says “Read Infinite Jest.” When I first encountered this text, I read it as the pinnacle of ostentatious pretension: the revelation of an intellectual resumé on the back of a car. Fuck you, dude. I have read many books. You’ve read Infinite Jest? Big whoop. Fuck you. I hate this car. But, as I walked past it one day, I realized it probably intended the IMPERATIVE version of the text. The... Continue reading
Posted Apr 11, 2016 at Crazytown
Learning to Learn by Danny Baird I'm terrible at languages (English excepted, of course.) In elementary and middle schools, I took a Spanish class once a week and only excelled when it came time to sing "Cumpleaños Feliz." In high school, I avoided my language requirement. I knew it would bring down my GPA and I was paranoid that I'd lose my scholarship. I signed up for Latin under the guise of "Improved SAT scores," but really took the dead language so I could avoid a living one. Latin is unspoken. You can't fail publicly in Latin. Also, you can... Continue reading
Posted Apr 4, 2016 at Crazytown
Finding the Fire to Write by Danny Baird A lit agent requested my manuscript. I just retooled my query letter and sent it out two Thursdays ago. Within a few hours, I had a positive response from one of seven agencies I submitted to (the rest have yet to respond. The problem? I'm only about 80% finished with my newest draft. If I were in college, I would pull an all nighter. I'd work until dawn and finish. I'd send the manuscript out, pour myself a vodka and celebrate my small achievement. As I am now, I'm only through with... Continue reading
Posted Mar 28, 2016 at Crazytown
A Poor Credit History. by Danny Baird I have a fraught relationship with credit. Over the past 4 or so months, I've been working like crazy to pay off the intense amount of debt I've accrued in my post-collegiate failure to adult. It's been draining. Working a 40 hour week, making a fuckton of tips, and then being unable to impulsively spend that money on booze and amazon prime? It's a nightmare. The money disappears with no tangible reward. I have to remember that I put myself in this position. I'm the reason I've so much debt to pay off...... Continue reading
Posted Mar 21, 2016 at Crazytown
Reasons for sending a draft to a friend. by Danny Baird Edit or approval? Why did I send that draft your way? What does that say about me? I have really smart friends. Friends that, given a quick email, are totally willing to give me "edits" on things I've written. I often take advantage of these friends and my writing has benefitted immensely from their input. Recently, though, I've tried to be aware of my motives in send them my work. Do I want edits, or do I want approval? Approval is fine, it's necessary in some cases. You can't... Continue reading
Posted Mar 7, 2016 at Crazytown
The amount I have, The amount I need. by Danny Baird I have the audacity to get my cartilage pierced - Do I have the audacity to wear it in public? I have the audacity to think I'm better than my serving job - Do I have the audacity to demand more? I have the audacity to be out - Do I have the audacity to be proud? I have the audacity to write about my experiences - I don't have the audacity to publish them. I'm an audacious person, but I could afford more. I have the audacity to... Continue reading
Posted Feb 29, 2016 at Crazytown
A question from a coworker... by Danny Baird “I don’t know what I’m doing… but I’m doing a lot of it.” My coworker wants to know exactly what it is I do. I’m only part-time at my job in Annapolis, and am happy to be so. I seem to be the only person who doesn’t want full time hours and to live under one of the restaurant’s eight-tops. I made the mistake of identifying myself an “writer” on one of my first days at the restaurant. It don’t mean "mistake" in that I identified wrongly. I mean to say that... Continue reading
Posted Feb 22, 2016 at Crazytown
Subwoofer as Cruel Catharsis by Danny Baird Standing under a tent whose name might be What (but also could be Who) I found Artaud in Tove Lo. I've been playing with EDM in theatre for a while now. Love for the New York club scene and the revelation that was "Here Lies Love" led me to matriculate in an electronic music program after scooping up my BFA. Something about my experience at Bonaroo clarified my passion for the form. Uniting music & technology to overthrow the senses felt like the theatre Artaud had theorized - a theatre as impractical as... Continue reading
Posted Feb 15, 2016 at Crazytown
Works In Progress by Danny Baird I had a bit of a bender yesterday. After crossfit, I went into DC and availed myself of boozy brunch, drinking games, and mystery shots. Twelve solid hours of drinking were sopped up by one of the best burgers I've ever experienced (and a very disappointing Jumbo Slice digestif.) Besides all the alcohol, it was a remarkably tame day. Not quite debauched, but definitely the sort of day my mother would disapprove of. Now, in the aftermath, I find myself wearied, hungover. I'm surrounded by piles of papers representing the half-done work of a... Continue reading
Posted Feb 6, 2016 at Crazytown
A Submissions Application Epic. by Danny Baird It seems perverse to describe your baby in 40 words. You pick only the most glittering adjectives. You plot the fuck out of it. You wax poetic on the importance of it in the contemporary political landscape. You make all your verbs active because your creative writing professor would smack you if they knew the shit you got away with nowadays. Your description borders on manic. It runs closer to 300 than to 40 words. Back to the drawing board. You stick to plot. You run 39 words. Success! It's incomplete though. You... Continue reading
Posted Jan 25, 2016 at Crazytown
You Could've Done Something Else. by Danny Baird A gentleman in Ugg boots and an oversized flannel approaches the Starbucks counter. He opens his empty wallet, sighs showily, and pulls out a credit card belonging to his wealthy father. His gal-pal, dressed in a LuLu Lemon uni-suit and gucci slippers, clicks her tongue disapprovingly as she pulls out her fiancé's AmEx. They are both fresh off class at BDC, or Alvin Ailey, or Circle in the Square. It's hard to keep up - the busy life of an artist is as expensive as it is tiring. Head raised to the... Continue reading
Posted Jan 18, 2016 at Crazytown
The Kids that Beget a Bonaroo by Danny Baird A. Renee, Festival Royalty "Wasn't cool in High School, Now it's Cool." The chant floated over the arhythmic thumpings of Bonaroo’s many stages. A group of people I’d just met, and many others I’d never meet, joined their voices with Bonaroo’s Monarch. She twirled a rainbow standard; the gay pride flag tacked haphazardly to a length of PVC. Touting skills honed from four years of color-guard, she was royalty under the hot Tennessee sun. She was costumed in bold prints, sparkly bras, tight lycra, flannel. In theory: an unbecoming combination. In... Continue reading
Posted Jan 11, 2016 at Crazytown
Fondly Remembering a Horrible Person by Danny Baird, Fame Monster The Author in College (He swears this was for a show.) I find myself looking back on the awful portions of my life - remembering them fondly. Shitty exes become floral memories of the guys I should never have dumped. Worthless jobs become life investments that just didn't pan out. That time I got mugged on Astor Place by a guy with a fake gun becomes a hilarious story I tell at parties. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. Maybe it’s masochism. Whatever the reason, I render the assy bits of... Continue reading
Posted Dec 14, 2015 at Crazytown
An shameless plug for a holiday show I'm working on. by Danny Baird, Progeny of Scrooge McDuck Do you like musical theatre reviews? Do you hate the Holidays? Do you want to see a grown woman straddle a chaise and sing a love song about a Macy's seasonal hire while downing a dirty martini? I HAVE THE SHOW FOR YOU! Holidazed is a song cycle / christmas pageant / blacked out music review featuring Lyrics by Meghan Stanton, Music by Andrew Gordon, Additional Lyrics by Aaron Michael Krueger, and book by yours truly. I was called on to write the... Continue reading
Posted Dec 7, 2015 at Crazytown
Some thoughts on the "Imposter Syndrome" by Danny Baird, Phony I read a Times article today about “The Imposter Syndrome.” They’ve got a 10 article per-month limit if you don’t have a subscription, so I’d been meaning to read the article, but had been unable to until today. I wish I’d been able read it earlier, but it’s been a big month in “Times Articles of Note” (which generally means it’s been a bad month for the world as a whole.) The Imposter Syndrome describes people unable to internalize their accomplishments. The Times article features an amazing quote by Maya... Continue reading
Posted Nov 30, 2015 at Crazytown
TwentySomethings Interviewed, Episode 2 by Danny Baird, Wannabe Journalist Catie Davis, Autumnal Princess I’m a Beta personality. I’m incredibly type A, as anyone who’s ever worked with me will tell you, but I’m a total Beta. So, in true beta fashion, I’m always in search of an Alpha. In college, I found Catie Davis. She directed a production of “Krapp’s Last Tape” that I DIED over. I managed to make myself her friend through a series of increasingly desperate bids for her attention. I acted in some of her shows, and eventually had her direct work of my own. On... Continue reading
Posted Nov 9, 2015 at Crazytown
TwentySomethings Interviewed by Danny Baird, Future Barbara Walters This summer, I presented “Girl Versus Corinth,” my feminist electronic music adaptation of Medea, as a part of the Capital Fringe in DC. The producers, Monumental Theatre Co., are a collection of TwentySomethings new to the DC theatre scene. I’ve a storied history blacking out with them, and I cannot express how much of a jam they are. They’ve got a lot of exciting work ahead of them, so I took it upon myself to ask them a few questions about their process in, and mission for, the theatre. Your mission statement... Continue reading
Posted Oct 26, 2015 at Crazytown
TwentySomething Poetry of Questionable Value by Danny Baird, Poet? Today I dredged the recesses of my bottomless hard drive. I found a file containing harrowing, self-involved poetry from my early twenties. Amongst the emo masterpieces was a diamond in the rough (at least I think so.) I present that poem here; A piece about the only person I've ever truly loved: Push Confounded, a porcelain doll languishes jailed in hinged glass. Her lover laughs behind her. Garnished nails claw at grace lost in failure. Pin curls frame a head emptied of charmless sense. Furrowed brows crenelate a face painted for... Continue reading
Posted Oct 18, 2015 at Crazytown
300 WORDS about 600 WORDS that became 3000 WORDS by Danny Baird, Abuser of the Extended Metaphor I generally start writing with a word count in mind. That number is usually pretty accurate. There’s a small margin of error, but it’s seldom more than a few hundred words for short-form writing. I’ve had a number of people tell me that one cannot make “art” by setting goals in “numbers.” They can suck my Type-A dick. This week, I meant to write a post about forgetting my wallet on a drive up to New York. It was supposed to be a... Continue reading
Posted Oct 12, 2015 at Crazytown
An Experience in Writer's Block by Danny Baird, Abuser of the Extended Metaphor Probably a Raisin. Possibly a Turd I wrote a book once. Well, less “book” and more “compilation of humor poetry.” I spent abut a year working on it before I had a draft I was reasonably happy with. After submitting, I received two very kind rejections from publishers, and one rejection that literally asked, “I don’t get it… Why Haikus?” I wasn’t feeling bad about the project, but I felt I might be able to do a better edit if I gave myself a couple weeks to... Continue reading
Posted Oct 5, 2015 at Crazytown
Lessons learned from my mother's seafood offerings. by Danny Baird, Writer / Dip Connoisseur In the past month spent with my parents, I have watched my mother prepare an OBSCENE amount of crab dip. They live in Anne Arundel County in Maryland - a county known for it's diverse population of people who love Yachts, competitive tennis, and crabbing.* The obsession with crabs in the region stems from the availability of the Maryland Blue Crab, a species indigenous to the waters surrounding the area. Every family living in the area prizes their own crab-inspired recipe... crab pretzels, Maryland Crab Soup,... Continue reading
Posted Sep 28, 2015 at Crazytown
The Value of an Arts Camp Counselor by Danny Baird, Food Writer? We roll up to Panera Bread in silence. It isn’t that comfortable silence of close friends who don’t need to speak, though we are the closest of friends. It isn’t that uncomfortable silence born in the aftermath of a couple’s bickering, (though we are, generally speaking, a bickering couple.) It’s that profound silence born of that awed exhaustion one feels after the completion of a superhuman task. Runners have heard it after completing their marathon. Astronauts hear it having shaken off their earthly bonds and entered the deep... Continue reading
Posted Sep 21, 2015 at Crazytown
Lessons Learned about Empathy & Diversity in Musical Theatre by Danny Baird, Writer / White Person On the return journey from a Bonnaroo, my two friends and I switched from the thumpa-thumpa of EDM to show tunes. After a few days saturating ourselves in pulsing bass-lines and recreational “vitamin” use, the intimacy of musical theatre was a welcome reprieve for three theatre kids coming off a bender. As per the rules of our journey, the captain of the vehicle (my recently deceased grandmother’s Honda) chose the music. On my leg of the journey, we listened to Jason Robert Brown, jazz... Continue reading
Posted Sep 14, 2015 at Crazytown
Does theory even matter? by Danny Baird, Writer / Ariana Grande Fan Club Member This image has nothing to do with my post.... it is shameless promotion for my show at Joe's Pub tomorrow. BE THERE. Congratulations Fucktard class of 2015... we did it.... we LEARNED something... or at least I hope you did. If I learned anything - it's probably that writing blog posts at three in the morning on the train ride home from the meatpacking district isn't really a sustainable endeavor.... Just in case you didn't learn anything, let's have a little review of our syllabus.... We... Continue reading
Posted Aug 24, 2015 at Crazytown