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Benjamin Kissell
Fredericksburg, Virginia
smart and snarky, someone you want to know - follow me on twitter @praetor1983
Interests: reading, humor, writing, tv, movies, music
Recent Activity
Jesus Had Galilee, I Have GoodWill: Angels in America(n Eagle) a.k.a. a shopping miracle Benjamin Kissell insert your own pithy commentary Look, I realize it's been about two years since I wrote anything new on here let alone anything funny for you to read. I'm sorry? At some point [and... Continue reading
Posted Apr 3, 2017 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
DESPERATELY SEEKING ... ATTENTION [how many glasses of wine will it take to get this to happen or will I give up before it does] Benjamin Kissell Why yes, I assume that mocking Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey is a brilliant and oh-so-time-appropriate commentary. Right? I'm totally cutting edge,... Continue reading
Posted Feb 10, 2015 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
'BLESS YOUR HEART', 'HAVE A GOOD NIGHT' AND OTHER SNARKY TIPS FOR THE RETAIL-MINDED [in other words ... how to say 'f#@k off' with a smile] Benjamin Kissell It's a lovely day in your neighborhood ... when you can tell that jackass across the street to 'f#@k off' with the... Continue reading
Posted Nov 9, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
AND THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED ... [Despite it All (and With Profuse Apolgies to Jen Lancaster) Sometimes Pie IS the Answer] Benjamin Kissell My best friend Nate always says ... "Real men have curves" If Literature is food for the mind and Art is food for the soul what should... Continue reading
Posted Oct 27, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
LOVE AND MARRIAGE [a.k.a. the war at home] Benjamin Kissell "Mawwiage is what bwings us togevver" Love: -Lifts us up where we belong. -Will keep us together. -Is a many splendoured thing ... even when it's brought into the harsh and unflattering light of everyday reality. Marriage is, indeed, what... Continue reading
Posted Sep 28, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
You, sir? Are a dickwaffle [and other observations on the breaching of the social contract] Benjamin Kissell I'm told 'Shut The F#@k Up' is more tasteful than calling people names ... oh ... wait ... Some days it doesn't pay to wake up and face a world full of people... Continue reading
Posted Sep 18, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
Something to Take the Edge Off [i.e. coping with another birthday] Benjamin Kissell These little f#@kers SOO aren't going for .99 apiece on eBay these days ... To declare a simple truism [and homage my love for Jane Austen wit]: It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a person in... Continue reading
Posted Jul 10, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
THE MIRROR HAS TWO FACES [or at least I hope it does, otherwise ... yeesh] Benjamin Kissell Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody - Hell, I can't do it Sometimes, it doesn't pay to take my head out of my ass and actually listen to what's going on around me. "You... Continue reading
Posted Jul 2, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
PAVLOVIAN RESPONSES [are some of the best responses] Benjamin Kissell Trigger + me = ... wait, I didn't get a treat - those other guys got a treat, why don't I? It has been said that into every life a little rain must fall. Trials and errors will be endured... Continue reading
Posted Jun 25, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
I'm A Smart Mouth in Any Language [i.e. a wicked tongue is fun when you're learning tongues] Benjamin Kissell I wonder why I look so angry: could someone be calling me out on my plaid shirt and torn denim? Every so often it's pointed out to me that my raging... Continue reading
Posted Jun 17, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT: [aka my fashion sense stalled in the 1990's and yes, I'm aware of the amount of shredded denim this implies I own] Benjamin Kissell Preach it Cher Horowitz: the epitome of uber cool 1990s fashion [and by extension, what I've subscribed to ever since ...] "Honey; it's like... Continue reading
Posted Jun 9, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
MISTRESS OF THE ELEMENTS [of style] Benjamin Kissell Storm: completely badass. Period. WARNING! The following article is infused with geek-commentary and stems from my undying love for (almost) all-things Storm. [Despite immense respect and love for Halle Berry, we shall just gloss right over the X-Men movies - okay? And... Continue reading
Posted Jun 3, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
AM I OPINIONATED OR WHAT? a.k.a. try these reading suggestions on for size Benjamin Kissell Beatrice knew she heard the muffled cries of her children from the other room but chose to turn the page regardless ... they could always beg on the streets for food; she had these books... Continue reading
Posted May 28, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
MY BIG FAT ASS and other insulting newsflashes ... [a.k.a. my own weekend update] Benjamin Kissell Ooh, all the latest shitstorms fit to ... well, not to print, but definitely to kvetch about; right? Every year I get to run a harrowing gauntlet of Family Get Together Hurdles that together... Continue reading
Posted May 21, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
THAT ONE TIME I EMBARRASSED MY BOYFRIEND FIANCE IN PUBLIC [okay, so it's happened more than once ... I'm allowed SOME creative licensing occasionally] Benjamin Kissell Go ahead and raise your hand if you've never been the one causing your boyfriend fiance's friends to ask "What the f#@k is he... Continue reading
Posted May 15, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
DAH DAH DAH DAAAAH: BITCH PUDDING! Benjamin Kissell Blam Bitches! How does one end up living with a self-absorbed, malcontent who callously walks all over you constantly and ambles through your every day absent-mindedly destroying your things? Well, if you're anything like me ... it's because you've brought the world's... Continue reading
Posted May 7, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
Tired? I'm Right There With You a.k.a. [one dastardly long day ... I'm sure you've had one of those] Benjamin Kissell Millions of smiles and millions of miles ... yet today? I am neither smiling nor looking forward to going that extra mile with these tires ... You ever have... Continue reading
Posted Apr 18, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
FOR THE HONOR OF GRAYSKULL fabulous secrets were revealed to me ... [That's right ... FABULOUS secrets] Benjamin Kissell I could never tell: was Light Hope a Discotheque or just the result of She-Ra spending too much time at the local Bath House? *cough* Can you say ... 'Fruit Fly'?... Continue reading
Posted Apr 5, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
That Old Black Magic Keep calm and call me a drunk ... but only if you mean it. Benjamin Kissell It's been 7 days, 10 hours and 34 minutes (and a handful of change for seconds) since I last had a glass. A full week since a single cup brimming... Continue reading
Posted Apr 4, 2014 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
GOBBLE-TOV! surviving my first time hosting Thanksgiving ... and Hanukkah ... err ... Thanksgivukkah? a.k.a. Will I ever live down that pie? "Baruch ata Adonai, Elo- ... Kevin, if you reach for a latke one more time, I'm shoving this turkey so far up your ass you'll be tasting stuffing!"... Continue reading
Posted Dec 3, 2013 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
The Ultimate Fashion Faux Pas ... chic is always chic ... except when it's paired with the wrong accessories. Benjamin Kissell Some colors are the ultimate in complimentary [and I don’t mean they blow smoke up your arse]. They are your best friends and finest allies in helping to make... Continue reading
Posted Nov 28, 2013 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
The Tao of Fabulous [where I drag my boyfriend, my mother and our friend with me as we brave a tropical storm, Northern Virginia/Washington DC traffuck, line nazis and a waffle house breakfast to follow the Tao of Jen Lancaster ... on a leg of her book tour while bedecked... Continue reading
Posted Nov 19, 2013 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
CARRIE BRADSHAW AIN'T THE ONLY GAME IN TOWN [a.k.a. that article I trot out every few years to show I'm not a knock-off Sex And the City writer; proving it when I toss you a purposefully SATC article to show you the difference in my voice, tone and ... man,... Continue reading
Posted Jun 19, 2013 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
SUMMER READS 2013 [or, read what I tell you to, because they're damn good books] Benjamin Kissell "Marjorie, will you pass the sunscreen?" "Sure, just lemme finish this chapter." "But that's what you said 30 minutes ago." "Mm hmm, and you believed me then; it's not like you're getting any... Continue reading
Posted Jun 4, 2013 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots
Kicking and Screaming [sometimes, the only way to get me to go to work] Benjamin Kissell "Steady work, he says. Visible position he says. Yeah, mother f$#@er - holding up this newspaper sure is steady work." Some days are wonderful; full of light, giggles, smiles, rainbows flying out of unicorn... Continue reading
Posted Apr 25, 2013 at Dead Lines and Bon Mots