Today i can pay someone to just end my misery and kill me because i don't have it in me to do it myself. I have hit rock bottom in life and may be have more to potential to go down. Definitely feeling deeply depressed and no light can be seen at the end of tunnel. I am in so much pain and everything is killing me literally and figuratively. Tired of putting smile on my face because for every second of smile the price to pay is way too high. Continue reading

Then there are days like today where i understand everything. It's fantastic to know that any woman in this world no matter how different they are want his man to be successful and in possession of valuables. This little nugget i learned in may be middle school still holds true after 15 or so odd years. It helps me let go. Continue reading

Why is it so hard to forget and forgive oneself and stop living for other people's happiness. I really need to learn how to let it go and should realize that i am fucking my life up and the dreams of people who actually love me. It's about time to grow up and realize my potential because i ain't getting another shot at my dream. I am not a religious person, but by some miracle always get a another shot at whatsoever i want. It's like someone is whispering in my ear and telling me that i am here on... Continue reading

It's a new day and a new start to life, where my only concern is to make myself happier. I know it might seem selfish, but i am tired of living for other's happiness. It's about time for "PROJECT ME"... Continue reading

As long as i remember twisting the truth and more often than not bluntly lying is my hobby. I was more of an adventrous in high school and had many friends who were girls usually older than me, but no girlfriends. I was proud of that you know, when other fellow classmates were crying about thier girl problems i was out and about enjoying my life. Then came college and where else the city of angels Los Angeles, where i lied to my bones to get laid with a girl and must admit it worked like magic. Even in college... Continue reading

It's been almost an entire year, since i wrote something here. Oh well, i am back and will be writing on more regular basis. Unfortunately, I still haven't learned my lesson as i tend to run behind lost causes and relationships. However, now no labels on the relationships and living to learn to love myself. In the process also want to eradicate and solve unsettled emotional issues from the past. It's said that i can relate to protagonist Alexi of the Gambler by Foyodor Dostovsky. I will be writing more on that topic. till next time.... Continue reading

I have lately got the feeling that she is a coquette. According to the Wikipedia a coquette is a woman who flirts girlishly with men to gain their admiration. She is perfect at keeping herself at distance and still leave a remark at you. Also, possesses the uncanny ability to say the right thing at the right moment to keep someone to cling on. Continue reading

I don't know what hit me today, the life i am living just have room for 1 person. I am not making any new friends and not hanging out with old friends. I have this cluster of thoughts running around my head and making me feel very uneasy and don't know who i can talk to actually. Alia ( the girl i am crazy about and the whole blog is about), i haven't seen a glimpse of her since may 21. I called her last Friday and she didn't picked up and haven't replied. It's Wednesday and everyone keeps telling... Continue reading

I have a bad feeling about this date on Friday with the girl i am crazy about. This is going to be a huge point in whatever my complicated relationship with her. Because after friday, we have no obligation to see each other. As the class will be over and i will be busy and she might take a vacation too. I hope we go out on this friday and many more afterwards. Continue reading

Lately to suppress my emotions, i have been drinking a lot. It gives me comfort and yesterday i had about 5 glasses of scotch and then i was feeling something. Before it use to be two glasses..) Continue reading

Wow it's been a while, last time i wanted to write my fingers were not up to the task. It's been a while since i last blogged. I was trying to get in touch with my feelings and my soul. last time on the blog i was trying to write, that i asked her to be mine and to be my girlfriend and she replied "It was rude of me to ask her that", yeah i don't know why. So, the next Monday about two weeks ago i went to borders and i ran in to her and we end... Continue reading

It's been a while since i wrote, so trying to figure out where to start. Yesterday, i grabbed her and asked her about her feelings towards me. I am trying to write, but can't compose myself that's why i don't like getting close to anyone because relationships never work out for me. I will write some other day. Too much on my mind Continue reading

Today i saw Alex and lesly, had dinner with them. They both told me I am doing too much for this girl and she is not worth it. They reminded me my main goal is medical school. But lesly told me to be patient and back off for a while. She said i did make a mistake, but i have done enough apologizing and pursuing and she has to work on her issues. They both told me they never saw me like this, and at least i am trying!!!! Continue reading

Even writing right now is so much for me, as i have so much going through my head. This girl is proving to me that it's not worth it to let anyone get close to you. On monday i asked her to be mine, to be my girlfriend. I have sacrificed so many of my principles for her and she keeps on challenging my patience. We were supposed to meet today in the library, but she again flake on me, i understand she is mad at me for not calling her the next day we got intimate, but when i... Continue reading

It was the most random day. yesterday i told this girl something very personal about myself and opened her in my life. Only one other person knows that thing about my life. So, we made plans to have lunch but apparently at the last minute she had some errands to run. Even though i admire her sense of devotion, but i don't like stranded at the last moment and she does that a lot. Well, then i had a very interesting conversation with an old college friend. It was actually about the people like me and her not needing any... Continue reading

This is the first time i have let my guard down for a girl. Today, it confirmed that i should never do that for anyone. I have been feeling shitty for not calling the day after, but apparently she can't let that go. I have some trust issues which go beyond me and somebody have really messed her up. Now i am going to live my life worry about my goals in life and not worry about finding love. My innate ability to forget everything and search for love has made me a loser in many ways, i refuse to... Continue reading

So, my love life has progressed a lot since my last blog. Last Wednesday, after class we both went to nearby olive garden and had some dinner. After dinner, she made some coffee at her apartment and we kissed. Yes only kissed which was something different. It's been over two months i have known her and she is very conservative, thus the kiss was a big deal and it was indescribably great. Then as i usually mess things up and didn't call her the next day. I didn't wanna get hurt either and restrained myself from calling her. We were... Continue reading

She texted me yesterday saying lets meet up for lunch after my class, which was fine and we ended up spending the time till class and i helped her with her groceries after class, as she know i like spending time with her. Then yesterday after getting back home, there was a miss call from her. When i called her back about 7 minutes after the missed call she didn't pick up. I called her today at 7:50 pm and she didn't pick up also. But I texted her asking some question about the assignment due tomorrow in the class.... Continue reading

After work while driving, i couldn't resist calling her. She picked up and we talked but as we both were driving, we mutually decided to talk later last night. So, when i called her again and we talked mostly about how was your vacation stuff and she told me she went to see UCLA (my college). She is taking an interest in me. But i can not stop thinking about and somewhere inside of me knows that right now is the time to focus only on career. I should working my ass off to get into medical school, rather than... Continue reading

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