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Athan Carter
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The sentences are too passive for my tastes. Every use of "was" should be examined carefully to see if there's a more active way to say what you want to say (without being overly convoluted). The conversation at the table hinted at interesting potential, but the work as a whole needs more editing to reduce exposition and bring it up to snuff. Also, the lack of a line break between scenes threw me.
Besides opening with the weather, the first sentence is too passive. IMO, never open with "It was". Like jc said, there's nothing urgent enough on the first page to make me want to read further. If we knew why Douglas Aspine (I keep seeing "Douglas Adams" in my head) needed the loan, and what the consequences were should he not get it, then maybe I'd be inclined to turn the page.
Toggle Commented Nov 18, 2015 on Flog a BookBubber at Flogging the Quill
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Nov 18, 2015