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OPERATING THE RAPISTS I can now fully understand why my old man not only detested the Cameroon miltary establishment but was totally against me becoming a Police Officer, Gendarme or Army conscript in Cameroon. I have finally come to realize that these fellows are trigger-happy apes capabale of gunning down civilians in cold blood and sticking their dicks into everything that looks feminine including their own daughters. Their level of passion they posses is exceedingly high and during moments of insecurity, instead of going about restoring calm they would prefer to exploit innocent civilians talk less of minors. And behold they will always get away with it. Impunity reigns surpreme here! The truth is that I do not really blame them t an extent because when you decide to mix people of two opposite cultures, an Anglophone minority and the Francophone majority, the end result is usaully that what is in excess supply will always outstrip the smaller quantity. Frogs more often than not are always a bunch of negative attributes and when you mix them with a few Anglos the end result is never a suprise reason why it is very difficult distingusihing the actions of groomed Anglophones from their primitive barbarian Francophone counter parts within the force. Maybe if I had even ended up joining the force after all I might not have behaved any different. But thank God, I am now an ‘assistant Doctor’, one of the new recruits into the just launched FHS in UB. My speciality is surgery and in conformity with the wishes of my old man, I have a small operation to carry out on those two fellows who effected the act of rape on that minor... Doc:Song and Co. come in immediately for your operation. Song:Quel operation, docteur? Doc:Just shut up you good for nothing faggot! Are you married? Co:Marier? Moi? Non... Doc:Good! I hereby charge you two with destroying the reproductive system of that young girl and your punishment is castration... Song:Qu'est qui c'est pas? Co:Je ne comprends pas ce qu'il... Doc:Nurse! Nurse:Yes doctor... Doc:Give this duo a good dose of sedation...and make the concoction really strong! Nurse:As you say doctor... Song:Mais qu'est...ah mon Dieu.. Co: Doctuer, je vousen prie…ne me faire pas ca….. Doc:Ssshhh! Quiet! Stop addressing me in such a rude manner…I am Doctor and not Docteur. Do you think I got admission here through the back door? You bet I know my job very well and all what I intend to do will just give you a slight pain and thereafter you would be fine okay...Nincompoops! The two Frogs sleep quietly as I transform them into eunuchs. This time I will not spare them Frogs. Ngoh was very lucky that I had to extract just one of his testicles but these Frogs will have to lose both of their testicles. I hope that when this operation is completed successfully they would stand as good candidates for the priestly vocation. After all I hear that some priests are already desecrating the vocation of administering the Word of God by violating married women, young girls and yes...even young boys. When I am done with removing the manhood of these two, my next assignment would be to send them either to a seminary or monastery... My hospital will from now henceforth serve only as a centre where reformatory surgery would be carried out on all those demoniacs in Buea... Cheerz!
THE OPERATION THAT WENT BANANAS I had a dream… I dreamt I was one of the lucky few Frenchy Frogs admitted into the Faculty of Health Science, UB, thanks to an expediete telegram from our noble Dr. Maceline in Ongola… Anti-Frog sentiment from the Anglos was unusually high and xenophobic and being the naïve Frog that I was I could not fully understand why our fellow English sibilngs hated us this much… But not everyone on campus hated ‘us’… I soon developed strong cords of loyalty with one black, rotund lady on campus called Limunga D. who constantly pestered me about taking her to Ongola, another curious looking fellow called Cornelius was on my side and then I also remember one tall, handsome fellow called Herbert, who always seemed to charm every lady on campus…And then there was one pious and reverend fellow called Moki C. I always wondered why this guy had not taken the option of going to the seminary to serve as a parson or better still a monastery to devote his life to God and doing good…Such a nice fellow… But my best pal was one local champion called Ngoh V… Ngoh was a very unique hybrid because of the manner in which he stuttered… He always stuttered without people even noticing because of his finesse and mastery of the art of stuttering…Ngoh was also unique because it was rumoured he had the highest level of testosterone on campus reason why it was forbidden for any female student to make contact with him. I remember one female student who failed to heed to these warnings had been a casualty with a triplet of baby boys!… Even the sample guinea pigs for experiment were kept at bay from Ngoh for their own safety. I always sympathized with Ngoh because every morning he had some laundry to do because all his beddings would be soggy from wet dreams… One day we went for surgery practical with one other chap called Katakata, who was no fan of mine, and he was an exceptionally good student surgeon…An Anglo for that case…I had a love-hate relationship with this fellow because I thought only Frogs had the monopoly to be good doctors… Ngoh had complained of acute tonsillitis, reason for his stuttering, and my Anglo friend Katakata, with me as his assistant, had been delegated to incise this malaise from my good friend Ngoh… Our revered Professor Ngu A. had also assigned us to also remove one of Ngoh’s testicles in a bid to curb his high level of testerone…. At the dissecting theatre table was Herbert E. dabbing the forehead of Katakata of any sweat with a clean towel, Limunga was the one carrying the tray of spoons, forks, knives and other cutlery used for operating… Katakata was one hunched over a sedated Ngoh, lying prostrate on the dining theatre table… I was just standing next to this prolific Anglo surgeon guru seeing him strut his stuff with dexterity… The operation was successfully concluded as Ngoh was emancipated of his tonsillitis. Next came my turn to extract one of Ngoh’s testicles… I was shaking all over because this was my first time of engaging in such a high-risk venture and I knew one error and Ngoh would become a eunuch for life… But I was not the only one perturbed…Limunga was quivering all over like a leaf dancing in the harmattan wind and the operating cutlery rattled incessantly, even the handsome Herbert was swallowing hard unable to conceal his excitement of fright… They were concerned about the fate of their friend…. Katakata had taken leave by this time and Moki was our gate man, manning the main entrance into the theatre room…Herbert started losing concentration and a rivulet of sweat gradually nestled on my brow and I waited in vain for a traumatized Herbert to clear it to no avail… As I raised my left hand to wipe away this menace with my shirtsleeve, Limunga seem to jolt out of her reverie just then and she spilled the whole tray of cutlery onto poor Ngoh. Then a miracle occurred…from the bowels of a heavily sedated Ngoh thundered an ear splitting scream of pain… An athletic Herbert barged through the front door to safety knocking poor Moki flat on the ground while a petrified Limunga dived through the back door with ease… For some reason I equally did some screaming myself… Just then I was awakened by the Crtv signatory news tone… “Here is the news on Crtv Yaounde. In a Presidential decree signed this morning, the Vice Chancellor of the University of Buea Professor Lambi has been replaced by Dr. Ngoh…” Crazy dream…