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Perfect...except that glass isn't quite big enough. Happy New Year Crappy Mama!
This ain't Sing Sing, fresh meat! Put that thing away before I cut it off! By the way, that's a temporary tattoo so stop frontin'!
Toggle Commented Nov 29, 2011 on Caption Contest at Mommy Shorts
Fans of both, of course. Happy Birthday silly girl. Guess this Thanksgiving there'll be 2 turkeys to celebrate!
I really want to win this one, so I'm giving it another go.... Look lady, if we made it outta that cage you call a womb, we should have no trouble getting through these bars! Be afraid, be very afraid!
Toggle Commented Aug 11, 2011 on Caption Contest at Mommy Shorts
If you are going to treat us like caged monkeys, we shall have no other recourse than to act as such and fling our poop at you. Ye shall rue the day, woman! Ye shall rue the day! By the way, did we mention that YOUR beloved sippy cup is on THIS side of the gate??? Go ahead, woman, we dare ya!
Toggle Commented Aug 10, 2011 on Caption Contest at Mommy Shorts
Ma, tell me again why I had to give up my seat to a damn farm animal??? This is such bull&*%#! Get outta the way flea bag, I haven't had my nap yet and I will so go ghetto on your ass. By the way, that patch of fur you're missing...was that from the last toddler you snatched a seat from?
Toggle Commented Jul 20, 2011 on Caption Contest at Mommy Shorts
I'm not sure where to begin on this one. I guess I'll start with, "Congratulations, Natasha." But the "better half" undeserving of an actual name or does he prefer, "Natasha's husband?" And though I'm on board with the numerous comments on the size of the cupcakes, did no one notice the mattress on the floor in Natasha's pic? Seriously, if THAT is where the magic happens in their bedroom...1, it should come as no surprise that "Natasha's husband" is wearing manpris and 2, I have a toddler bed I will humbly offer as a lovely parting gift. I'm just saying! Seriously, I am STILL a huge fan, Ilana (she says half-heartedly, secretly hurt by the fact that Mazzy's mommy blatantly disregarded her generous offer for free stuff to throw Mazzy the party of a lifetime - hehehehehe). The offer still stands. And someday, I WILL be a caption contest winner, if it costs me 10 bottles of 2 buck chuck and my 3rd born!
The search for Bobby Fischer ended at 555 Main Street in Detroit. Famous last words..."Damn it Father! I said No.More.Chess. BTW, check mate. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!"
Toggle Commented Jun 21, 2011 on Caption Contest at Mommy Shorts
Ugh, allow me to digress from my normal smart-ass, sarcastic, who the hell cares mask for a bit and issue a loud-as-can-be, "WTF" for a moment!!! Kudos, Mike on being the fun guy at the party with the hysterical princess able to leap tall buildings and bitch slap all the other toddlers into oblivion. But in all honesty, you will rue the day you laughed (she says with a less-than-satisfactory smirk, as she thinks back to the days when princess Analeigh was truly a peanut-head with the cutest voice ever). Fast forward to present-day San Clemente, CA. Princess Analeigh literally rolled on the floor in hysterics today as the 2-year old chameleon warned me of the impending fury she was about to inflict. "I'm gonna hit you, HIT, HIT, HIT!" She proceeded to give me a pint-sized smack down, all the while screaming, "I'm a fairy princess." Two.years.old. May God be with you, crazy kids. Mike, nothin' but love for ya. Ilana, nothing but prayers for ya!
Toggle Commented May 19, 2011 on Toddler Fight Club at Mommy Shorts
Well at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my backpack!
Toggle Commented May 3, 2011 on Caption Contest (For A Good Cause) at Mommy Shorts
I'm here to do one of two things, kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of bubble gum!
Toggle Commented Apr 6, 2011 on Caption Contest at Mommy Shorts
Definitely a FB fan and diaper jeans are an unnecessary evil. (She says to the baby with a smug, "Watch as mommy proceeds to torture you for her own enjoyment once again" grin)..."I am going to make your butt look cute (at least I'm going to try to) by covering it with a "fashionable" (some might say - NOT I) diaper for about an hour until you make a very large mess in it, whereupon it will make it's final journey to the trash can in the side yard where it should have been in the first place." I want to see this on the runway almost as much as I want to see what's beneath it. Yuck!
That picture is sooo ghetto fabulous, I seriously wanna blow it up and hang it on my wall to remind me where my fam is headed if I don't shake the RTV habit soon. But seriously, don't we really watch to feel better about ourselves? No? Just me? I'm ok with that. And for the record, my idea of "The Deadliest Catch" is leaving the club with Snooki. Love the post, girlfriend. Simply hilarious!
What do you mean you entered me in a caption contest??? I didn't ask to be born this way, I just was. Vanity Fair will pay 1000 bucks a pop for this ugly mug. Damn it, woman! Stop givin' it away for free! *Seriously, Natalie, she's sweet.
What part of open the register and fill the damn bag didn't you understand? And none of that Monopoly crap either. I may only look 9 months, but I got a .38 special says I'm much, much older!
Punch her in the face. I had a friend tell me the same thing, but followed with a cheerful, "I guess I'll get used to it."
Too funny. My husband and I are both on the fence about another baby, but after a mildly tipsy evening of bowling last Saturday, I went for the jugular and announced to all that if my next ball was a strike, we were going to have another. Of course, it was, which send my husband over the edge and I finished it up with the one-two punch, "And we shall name her Stella," of course, because that was my beverage of choice. Guess I'm not as original as I thought. I must also confess that my almost-two-year old, Analeigh, was named after a contestant on America's Next Top Model...not because I watched the show, just because I thought she was pretty when I was channel surfing one night. I don't do it to be cute. I'm just not that creative on my own.
Hate writing them, hate getting them. I would be honored and tickled to receive your thank you card. Let's just be honest. "Thank you from the bottom of junior's 2 inch heart for the 6,000 piece Lego set he will daily scatter in every room of our tiny condo, leaving a wake this mommy will surely appreciate after her 3rd glass of Cabernet when the Real Housewives is just about to start and the babies both need to be changed and put down" (perhaps in both senses of that phrase - j/k, don't call Social Services on me just yet)! How 'bout a simple, "Thanks for coming. ~Hugs, the kid"
Blegh! Just kidding. Super sweet. Rock on, Mazzy. Now quit playing and give 'em hell! Happy VD, Mommy. Keep 'em coming.
Toggle Commented Feb 14, 2011 on Mazzy, My Valentine at Mommy Shorts
If you think I'm sexy now you should see what I've got on under the coat. Can you say "Meeee-yow!?"
Ugh! Valentine's Day bites. The only thing worse than the molten chocolate cake that's hardened in the center is the limited menu that seems to show up one day a year in all my favorite restaurants. Why do I have to choose between 3 entrees on VD, none of which is the one I order every time I visit your fine establishment throughout the year? Gimme my linguine with clams...and please don't charge me $49.95 for it, when it normally cost around $14 bucks! Sorry, Cupid. I think your arrow missed this momma's tushy by about a mile. Love your site, girlfriend and definitely a facebook fan!
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Jan 31, 2011