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Omniskeptic
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Reminds me of a flashback scene in Better Off Ted. Except there were two people on the desk.
EVER WONDER WHAT JUDGES DO IN THEIR CHAMBERS?
Wonder no more. (Thanks to Jenny Kellner and Jeff Meyerson)
The hero Michigan needs is a person with a huge bank account, a great big snowplow, and a paving company with time on its hands.
NOW EVIL WILL RUN AMOK IN THE SNOW
The Michigan Protectors superhero group has been riven by a feud. (Thanks to Brad Wright)
You mean "livid" novelists, I assume.
TERROR HOPS THE STREETS
'...he was adamant the frog was harassing him,' a spokesman said. (Thanks to Ralph)
Wow! You really have green deer like that? Excuse me. Honey! I have to go to Florida, quick-like. Where'd I put the Ruger?
MIAMI NIGHTLIFE UPDATE
It is completely out of control.
Good Friend Chinese and Seafood: With Friends Like Us, You Not Need Enemies.
'EVERYTHING IS DELICIOUS! REALLY! PLEASE DON'T SHOOT!'
The owner of a Birmingham Chinese restaurant faces attempted murder charges after firing a gun at a customer who complained about finding a bug in her egg roll, police said. (Thanks to UtahEd and Jeff Meyerson)
So Private Smith has just been chewed out and had his butt kicked for the fourteenth time by Sargent Jones.
Jones (trying to show a little self-deprecating humanity): Now, when I kick the bucket, I'll bet you piss on my grave, right, troop?
Smith: Sir, no Sir!
Jones: What? How come?
Smith: Sir, because when I get of the Army, I'll never stand in line again, Sir.
Old, but poignant, with notes of sarcasm.
MAYBE THEY THOUGHT IT WAS ON FIRE
8 Cleveland firefighters disciplined for urinating on former fire chief Daryl McGinnis's photo (Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
I love picture number one.
Poke, poke. Get up! You get up now! Poke. Drill over! Wake up, honorable silly coworker! Poke, poke.
FRANCE STILL ON HIGH ALERT
Japanese zookeepers successfully capture fake gorilla (Thanks to Jon Harris and Ron G.)
Oh, way, way different. Apparently.
THE HOLOGRAMS WERE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING VALID FLORIDA LICENSES
Florida man tells police his wife was abducted by intruders using holograms (Thanks to Omiskeptic)
Steve - Hawking says no, it wouldn't. Or at least that's what we think he said. This week, that is.
ELSEWHERE IN SPORTS
Cricket fan to be counseled over pig-smuggling (Thanks to Charles Cates)
I don't know. Point it the other way, and you've got yourself a great ram.
YOU KNOW IT HAD A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE
Satirists Arseny Bobrovsky and Katya Romanovskaya, who have achieved celebrity status in Russia after being revealed as the duo behind the hugely popular @KermlinRussia spoof Twitter account, woke up on Monday last week to find the 200lb penis chained to their BMW. (Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
Jeez, what if them infants had got hold of that bass?
STAND TALL, SUNSHINE STATE
Only in Florida would deputies search a home and find two frozen alligators, meth in a box of baby wipes, a live bass in an aquarium, ammo and homemade drug pipes — all within reach of twin infants. (Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)
I don't have a brother in Chennai or anywhere else, actually, but there is a sister, and if had been her, I'd have been ok with the elephant thing.
'WHY ARE ALL THESE CATS FOLLOWING ME?'
Italy: 'Cashmere' clothes found to contain rat fur (Thanks to Jay Brandes)
HMO? I meant HOA.
DO NOT MESS WITH THEM
Woman 'tasered boyfriend with stun gun for ignoring her phone calls' Guess the state. (Thanks to DaninTustin)
My Aunt always used to say:
Up the long ladder and down the short rope.
To hell with King Billy and long live the Pope!
But that was the Kerry side of the family.
WE'RE SURE IT WAS UNINTENTIONAL
Cortland County man charged with putting ex-girlfriend's guitar in snow bank (Thanks to Chris Knight)
When I was in Chennai, a guy who claimed to be a refugee from Kashmir kept accosting me in the hotel and trying to sell me carpets. I complained to the Raja, and he was going to have the guy trampled by elephants, but I asked him to be merciful, so they only sold him into slavery at a software company.
Ok, so I made part of that up. But which part?
'WHY ARE ALL THESE CATS FOLLOWING ME?'
Italy: 'Cashmere' clothes found to contain rat fur (Thanks to Jay Brandes)
So the flute was condemned
And its fate was pathetic.
It was sentenced to burn
At the stake as heretic.
As the flames rose around it
They heard a strange noise.
T'was the auld flute still whistlin'
The Protestant Boys.
It's been three hundred years
And by that you can judge
That there's none like the Irish
For holdin' a grudge.
Now for me next song, I'll be givin' ye The Auld Orange Guitar.
WE'RE SURE IT WAS UNINTENTIONAL
Cortland County man charged with putting ex-girlfriend's guitar in snow bank (Thanks to Chris Knight)
Good morning, Sir. How may I help you?
Oh, just a fifth of Filthy Woman, please.
I'm sorry, we're just out. How about a nice bottle of Wretched Little Child? Or Idiot Bastard Son?
No, I think I'll just have a Burning Heretic.
Ah, an abbey ale. Good choice.
TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE
Mr Lee said: “He made allegations that police had planted the drugs in his car … of the drugs stuck to his testicles [he] denied any knowledge, commenting that some filthy woman must have put it there.” (Thanks to Ryan Jentsch)
Frozen Chicken Attack is touring Italy with Bogus Marino.
THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS
Frenchman jailed for frozen chicken attack (Thanks to Joe in Japan)
"... Home of The Dons.”
Oxford and Cambridge are suing.
ALWAYS A SHREWD LEGAL MANEUVER
Frat Bro Busted For Urinating On Cop's Head (Thanks to Steve Pudlo and Chris Elzi) And in other criminal-urination developments: Texas man pleads guilty to urinating on the Alamo (Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)
Ah, the English. Even their squabbling class is classier than the equivalent over here.
IMAGINE IF SHE HAD GOTTEN HOLD OF A FROZEN CHICKEN
British woman allegedly assaults husband with toast, butter (Thanks to Ralph)
I used to listen to Bogus Marino all the time. They sounded kind of like Pussy Riot.
'WHY ARE ALL THESE CATS FOLLOWING ME?'
Italy: 'Cashmere' clothes found to contain rat fur (Thanks to Jay Brandes)
Damn autocorrect. Won't let misspell something even when I'm trying to.
AT LEAST IT WASN'T BOARDED BY PIRATES
A floating restaurant along the banks of the Ohio River in Covington, Kentucky, broke free from its moorings Thursday and drifted several hundred yards downriver (Thanks to Omniskeptic)
Privates are pirates who drive Priuses.
AT LEAST IT WASN'T BOARDED BY PIRATES
A floating restaurant along the banks of the Ohio River in Covington, Kentucky, broke free from its moorings Thursday and drifted several hundred yards downriver (Thanks to Omniskeptic)
How about Christie and Ventura in 2016? The thug n' punchy show!
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING
Former wrestler and Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says he has gone “off the grid” in Mexico to avoid drones knowing where he is. (Thanks to Loudmouth and Jeff Meyerson)
Well ... that was awkward.
And while we're at it, does awkward seem to anyone else as though it's a directional reference, similar to southward? Of course, I can't really think of a sentence off hand that would need to speak of "toward the awk". Maybe if I go get coffee ...
GUYS
Male bee flies fooled into trying to copulate with a daisy may learn from the awkward incident. (Thanks to Another Ralph)
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