I was heading to my new breast cancer center, navigating a hospital building shaped like a traffic circle to my first chemo in my new location, my new doctor, my new care team. An unfamiliar space, a familiar procedure. The elevator popped me out at the second floor; I turned to study the direction signs. A tall, loud white woman stood there, at the intersection of the cancer clinics, talking on her phone. Loudly. I can hear everything she’s saying, each sentence more troubling— “He doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to come to the shelter, he wants to die.... Continue reading

I am missing almost all my little spoons. Twenty four years, two continents, three cross-country moves, countless apartments. And now? Gone. Where? WHERE DO THEY GO Why does every daycare, every camp, every school, every aftercare have to have their own version of the same forms? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FORMS Why isn’t there just one portal that holds all the current health, vaccine and contact records? Then the damn daycare, camp, whatever can just enter their social and bingo there’s all the info. Where is that app? Speaking of portals…WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PORTALS? And why are... Continue reading

Trauma. A popular word. A challenging word. Who does it belong to? Who qualifies? How do we value all the pain, without making the suffering all the same value? Does it have subcategories? Is it a spectrum? I’ve struggled with the Trauma term, I don’t use the word for myself. It’s everywhere, for every range, rightly or wrongly, of bad situations. My therapist has diagnosed me with Medical PTSD, of course, medical trauma. Technically in the DSM maybe yes, but spiritually I reject it. I have all the privilege, means and support to treat the traumatic effects of what I... Continue reading

Just remembering that Valentine’s Day I was at the gyno for a LEEP procedure and the receptionist gave me a single rose… That Valentine’s Day I took the bus to Rocky Roccoco’s with my best friend and we got the heart shaped pizza and balloons together. That time I got the courage up to ask someone on a date; we arranged to meet at my place for dinner and he BROUGHT HIS LAUNDRY. That Valentines Day my best guy friend who I secretly crushed on took me out dancing to our favorite club where that night he met the gal... Continue reading

These things I know about The Holidays: He will say “What did we get the kids?” You will buy too much and yet not get something “right”. There will either be no snow or all the snow. The cat/dog/hamster will barf/poop/die. You will forget to send a card to that one person who will remember. The tree will be lopsided or scraggly or expensive or all three. Church will either be your shelter or your nemesis. If the car got paid off this year, it will break down. You will fret about something no one, not a soul, notices. A... Continue reading

While preparing my paintings for the Shorewood Artists Guild show, I pulled everything out in front of me, all my curly papers gathered together for the first time. Little paintings, bigger paintings, big pieces that failed, sweet little unfinished pieces I had been disappointed with that now look so good, piles and piles of work. I’m so proud of the work I’ve done, the skills I’ve learned, the commitment I’ve kept to my late night art desk. Painting, for me, is an exercise in hope. Hope that I’ll get it right next time, hope that the magical mistakes will indeed... Continue reading

I’ve been working with a therapist for the past year to deal with the fear, grief and upheaval of metastatic cancer life. Dealing with cancer now brings up a lot of stuff from back then. All your old messed up shit comes rising up to the surface when you think about your mortality. So we talk about now, and we talk about back then, and we talk about how they connect. And how to free myself from some of the old shit, so I can face this new shit. Oh the irony! Figuring yourself out just in time to die.... Continue reading

Madeline Island was so beautiful. My paintings, however, were not. It was a glorious week all to myself, surrounded by magnificent views of prairie, woodlands, lagoons, bluffs, and mighty Lake Superior. The instructor was also superior, ahem, Mr. Superior. And that’s all I’ll say about that. So, the instruction wasn’t a good fit for me, but the classmates, food and painting locations were perfection. Though I didn’t produce any work to brag about, I did rekindle some dormant skills— Painting from life Value studies Bullshit detecting I’m beginning to really enjoy this Watercolor-Menapause-Yoga Pant-No BS phase of life. Continue reading

Today was a Bed Day. For every three to four Doing Stuff days, I have one Bed Day. I’m working hard to suppress the bad feeling about staying in bed all day (thanks a lot capitalism, Lutheranism and midwestern mythology). I’m working on accepting my “new normal”. The best part about the new normal is Mama’s Bed Time. It’s my favorite time of day. Tonight, I had them both laughing and squealing at cat videos I had saved for them. They LOST THIER SHIT. I haven’t heard them laugh like that in months. So, now I’ll be staying up all... Continue reading

Me: “Therapy was tough this week. She suggested I’m holding on to this grudge because it’s easier and less painful than facing my mortality.” Mom (aged 79): “Well, I’m having to come to terms with it too.” Me: “What is that like for you?” Mom: “Losing you is going to be hard.” Me: “Wait, who are we talking about? YOU or ME?! Do you think you're going to outlive me?!” Mom: “Oops” Continue reading

When I got home from the hospital, the first thing I did was take a long shower and do all the things—shampoo, fancy body wash, every lotion I own. The kids, who didn’t know I was out of the hospital, came home about an hour later and ran right up the steps to jump on me in bed. “Mama’s home!!” “How did you know I was here?” ”We could smell you!” Continue reading

Cancer blew up my life, sepsis has blown up our summer. We’ve had to cancel two of our little summer adventure trips, reschedule our beloved Shaker Village trip, and I missed my painting retreat on Madeline Island. The Madeline Island art school was kind enough to let me roll over about half the cost to another session, so I’m going at the end of the month. But it’s not the same teacher or focus. It’s a bummer. The summer weekend trips have given me so much escape…I would guess most people can see the “bucket list” drive I’ve had for... Continue reading

My arms and hands are bruised from the many many blood draws and IV sticks. My veins became unruly by day two, my skin blooming with purple and green blackberry splotches after every failed attempt. There was never more than three hours of uninterrupted sleep. The second day, my plantar fasciitis erupted out of no where—-excruciating pain when I put any weight on my heels. Hobbling to the bathroom with an IV pole, a failing bladder and useless feet made a few nights almost unbearable. I had sepsis. Staph entered my blood stream most likely through my port; it’s not... Continue reading

It’s been almost a week since we returned from our epic Nebraska road trip, but I’m not yet feeling back at home. We returned Tuesday evening and went right back to work and school, and for me, Chemo on Thursday. I’m having a hard time with this treatment, physically and emotionally. Steeling myself for bad side effects when the initial chemo had an end date was easier. This chemo has no end date, except when it fails me and the cancer spreads, which, hopefully, isn’t for a long time, as in years. So, we HOPE for YEARS of this… Here,... Continue reading

Our trip to Nebraska is full of nostalgia, memories and memories being made. There’ll be more to write (and paint) later, but for now, this gem. Charlie: “Pioneer Village is the BESTEST thing I’ve done in my entire life! Well, almost”. Me: “Almost?” Charlie: “Yah, I don’t know yet” Me: “What do you mean?” Charlie, gesturing wide: “Well, I DO have MORE life” Continue reading

Bald Reality I’m a middle aged, menopausal midwestern mom with a chip on her shoulder about unrealized artistic potential. I have deep-seated insecurities about my ability to create “real” art and be a “real” artist. So, I use self deprecating humor to dodge any real discussion about my goals or vision. Also, I hate the word vision. I don’t have one, I just like to paint. Somewhere along the line I learned to feel better about my own abilities (and lack of education) by internally judging other amateur artists work with snobbery. I did this the most when I wasn’t... Continue reading

Someone once said that my Mom and I are so alike we “are like one person”. That was odd, and kinda creepy. We are our own people, but I think, given some grace, what they meant was that we are in synch, simpatico, strongly bonded. We are close, but able to have conflict. Loving, but not best friends. She is a mom, not a buddy. And thank goodness, because when I fucked up or when I was fucked up or now as my life is getting fucked up, I needed a MOM. This Mom. This woman who in just two... Continue reading

The arrival of midwestern Spring has been slow and temperamental. The kids have been restless and temperamental. I ask them to play outside for at least a few minutes every night after dinner. I have visions of their youth spent playing in a bucolic garden, on a leafy charming street of bungalows as the sunlight dims and the vintage streetlights glow… So far, I’ve had to bring them back inside for screaming at “bloody murder” levels because: -The hose was too slippery -Felix told Charlie he was annoying -There was a puddle -Charlie had the worst day of his life,... Continue reading

I had an unsettling interaction with a provider this week. I was seeking some physical therapy relief for my Woody Fibrosis Neck (caused by radiation), chest scar adhesions, and restricted range of motion on the right side. Pretty basic stuff that my usual PT handles well, but this provider was recommended to me because she does Myofascial Release, a relatively new massage/PT technique. The hope was it might do wonders for the chest adhesions and fibrosis especially. What was not new, to me, were the red flags of a provider who doesn’t really get it. There was no robe to... Continue reading

I’ve been ruminating on being 50, dying younger then I planned, and what I want to be when I grow up. It’s been a challenging few months; the recent down slope of this Cancer roller coaster has been a long, slow descent this winter and now into spring. I’m working on a larger scale painting, something new and also challenging. Charlie visits my table each evening and offers his critique: “I like it, it looks just like the picture except without that leaf”. “I’m getting nervous.” “Afraid you’re going to fuck it up?” Oh darling yes. Exactly. Continue reading

The season to be overwhelmed, over budget and over scheduled. I’m opting out of a lot of things, streamlining the holiday chaos. But tonight we could not escape. There are TWO parties tonight. One birthday, one holiday. For kids. The kids explain the parties: “Mine is a sleep under but you don’t have to wear pajamas. You can wear regular clothes. But maybe bring a blanket. I wanna bring a small blanket, not a big blanket. No, not that one, a different one.” ”Mine isn’t sleep under, but I need a separate bag for my clothes just in case we... Continue reading

It was a rough week, made rougher by interrupting a holiday. Though, honestly I didn’t mind the timing that much because my customers were also unavailable. That was one less thing I had to worry about. An empty inbox is very healing. Also very healing are all the wonderful, thoughtful, courageous people in our lives. Thank you ——- My rock of a sister-in-law who was unfazed by the dramatic change in plans, and cared for my kids for four days, keeping them full of Thanksgiving treats and distractions. My other rock of a sister-in-law who always says insightful and compassionate... Continue reading

Diagnosis (sort of) So, I was admitted for hypoxia and suspected congestive heart failure. My oxygen level was low and that troponin level (heart damage indicator) was high. On the second night I had an “attack” of pericarditis, an excruciating and frightening episode of extreme chills and intense chest pain, caused by inflammation of the sack around the heart. Enter the “Rapid Response Team”. Exit Paulie’s composure. For the next five days they lowered my blood pressure, raised my blood pressure, increased my oxygen, decreased my oxygen, raised my heart rate, slowed my heart rate, dehydrated me, rehydrated me….felt like... Continue reading

Within minutes at Urgent Care, we realized it wasn’t urgenty enough, so we zipped down the road to the Emergency Room. The secret to fast service? Chest pains and a Smurf-like complexion. My oxygen level was 76, my chest had a tire on it, the portable chest X-ray showed my lungs were full of fluid. The moment the nurse flung back the curtain and said “Yep, you’re getting admitted”, I relaxed, gave in to the situation and absolutely luxuriated in the oxygen. The days that followed were a mess of medications, IVs, blood thinners, heart monitors, scans, machines, a lot... Continue reading

It started Saturday, I assume as a virus. Chills, fever, and an intense headache. Covid test negative. Then a strange stiff neck, like a vise. More fevers and chills, still Covid negative. Feeling a bit better on Sunday, ok this is just a cold or flu. Terrible body aches, but no cough and no congestion, the fever broke. Monday I stayed home to rest and in case I was contagious. Another Covid test negative. By Tuesday I was short of breath. But that’s a side effect I’m used to, so it was manageable. Until it wasn’t. Tuesday night I slept... Continue reading