I have had the same issues as you with regard to "they did the best they could" something about it leaves me feeling secondary and cheated. I have found that the phrase that I use most is "My parents had good intentions." As we all know, "intent" is very different from actuality. They failed miserably at their ability to raise me. I, through a great deal of therapy, have had to raise myself, validate myself, teach myself self-love and healthy coping skills. But, over time, I have come to realize and accept that their intentions were good. They didn't start out saying "lets have kids and screw them up." They were selfish and immature and were not capable of being good parents... but in their own sick and twisted minds, they were trying to be good parents. So the intent was there, even if the execution was lacking. For some reason, I feel a difference in these two phrases, it makes sense to me. It allows me to relase some anger and express a sense of forgiveness without giving undue credit. I hope that one day you too will find the phrase that fits you best. Good luck!