...there are fresh magazines to read. If this 2011 issue of Practical Caravaning is "fresh," I shudder to imagine what you took to the recycling bin. Is there anything Trump could say that The Groan *wouldn't* call 'divisive'? The only thing I can think of is: "For the good of the country, I've decided to resign and turn myself in for indictment and imprisonment for all the crimes you freaks have conjured in your fevered imaginations."

"Blow in my elbow, and I'll follow you anywhere!"

Have a compelling first-person story you want to share? Send your story description to pitch@huffpost.com. I'm not sure I can match the neurotic Asian chick, but I'd be willing to try. Should we turn this into a contest?

...a history of land theft that displaced, and sometimes killed, its original occupants. If you stop using the silly made-up term "land theft" and instead return to the time-honored terms of "invasion" and "conquest," you may find that you can forego all the hand-wringing about displacement and killing, because it's simply understood. These people seem impervious to the historical truth that people invade and conquer their neighbors all the time. After the Minnesota Territory had been "stolen" by Laura Ingalls Wilder's grandmother in her prairie dress, my forebears came over here to escape the "land theft" being negotiated between the Prussian white folk and the French white folk. And yet I can enjoy a big plate of Geschnetzeltes mit Rösti and wash it all down with a bottle of French wine, without once succumbing to the vapo(u)rs. Guess I'm just a sucker for not cashing in on the offendedness craze.

The very definition of "true friends". I feel sorry for every Best Man who has to try to live up to this. Tough act to follow!

When one encounters a three year old, laying on the floor, throwing a tantrum; one doesn't lay down and join him. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to try it now. What? You're not the boss of me!

Well played, Pnip. Next time, make sure you flutter your eyelashes all sweet and innocent-like.

"What did you do in the Navy?" I was a cook. "You sure know a lot about a lot of stuff, for a cook." You hear a lot of stuff in the galley. "Wait -- don't you have a Master's in Computational Mathematics?" I had to do a lot of fractions when I was cooking.

I’ve become somewhat amused by the great number of (leftist) people who are suddenly all about how they were in the Vietnam War...if everyone who claims to have been there really had been there, that little shard of a country would have broken off and fallen into the South China Sea. It's even more impressive when you consider that all ten million of them were hanging around at Woodstock the previous August. Just imagine the logistics of getting that many young men washed, shorn, trained to shoot straight, and shipped halfway around the world in the space of a few months!

At Christmastime, we spent an afternoon with some of my Lovely Bride's cousins, which included a number of proud Red Hat Gentlemen*. It was striking, and a bit unsettling, to get the political non-sequiturs from a perspective that is almost completely lacking in my quotidian urban life. At one point, my devotion to the cause came into question with a provocative "Wassamatta?" My only reply was, "While I agree with you wholeheartedly about Hillary's character, as well as your assertion that any of us would be in prison had we committed even half the crimes she has, I'm left wondering how this is relevant to the birth of our Lord and Savior, or to celebrating time spent with family we don't often see." Okay, so I might be paraphrasing. Still, it was a fairly odd sensation. * When I am an old man I shall wear Sweatshirts for schools I never attended, With a red hat that says MAGA, and was made in China, And I shall spend my pension on cheap whiskey and pay-per-view, And Keen hiking shoes, and say we've no money for an unlimited data plan.

I mean, when you’re in a small group of people discussing road resurfacing or bin collections, or something equally humdrum, and then someone randomly blurts out, with an air of expectation, how terrible they think Trump is, it’s a tad surreal. "If I may ask -- do you hate Trump because of his policies, or because of what he represents, or because he lives rent-free in your head and makes so much noise in there that you feel compelled to blurt his name into an unrelated conversation?" It's true, I have very few friends remaining.

The needless, endless convolution in “social justice” thinking, such as it is, may explain the prevalence of bad attitudes and mood disorders among its enthusiasts. This is another one of those correlation/causation thingies, innit?

We used to bring out-of-towners to visit the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices. The highlight was trying on the phrenology reader and then matching up the paper readout to the Aptitude Index to see what our suggested careers would be. The Lovely Bride desperately wanted to be selected as a Zeppelin Attendant. Alas, no matter how many times we visited, her fate was to be more mundane. (I offered on a few occasions to help rearrange the bumps on her head, but my good-faith offers were always met with skepticism and an offer to reciprocate that seemed downright sinister.) Man, do I miss that place!

"Bonkers Eagles fan attacks her girlfriend, puts dog in microwave." Putting a Pomeranian in the microwave isn't animal cruelty; it's just good sense. Toxic masculinity, or something... The best a man can get!

There's plenty from which to choose, though the most recent is from 2007.

Stealing from them is effectively stealing those hours of life as well. Now you sound like the Six-Fingered Man. "Please, tell me how you feel. And be honest -- this is for posterity."

I'd watch John's sitcom, but I'm afraid he'd have to switch the husband and wife roles if he was to have a prayer of getting it produced. I don't think there's any appetite in Hollywood for husbands fooling their wives, unless it's something that can backfire hilariously in the space of 23 minutes. Wives pulling a long con on their husbands, for their own good? That'll get greenlit in a matter of minutes!

One remarkable development I've noticed in the 21st century is that just about every professional association retains very little of the popular respect and deference it might have had a few decades in the past. In many cases, it's a matter of these associations being taken over by activists who've hijacked the institutional respect to advance political goals outside the mission of the organization itself. In others, it's a knock-on effect of standing by while related groups are compromised. I'll be curious to see whether any of these groups can regain the respect and deference they had in the past, and if not, what might rise to replace them. It seems we need to find new sources of expertise, or just give up on the idea of listening to anyone calling himself an expert on some specialized subject.

I think the California Opinion Unit is where Damian works. Why else would @DamCou be his handle?

Look, I'm not saying that the Left is using its control over the education industry to dumb down the children of the masses in order to make them helpless and compliant. I'm not saying they're putting their own children through rigorous programs to give them a competitive advantage, positioning them to hold the reins in the years to come. That kind of talk is the sort of paranoid lunacy likely to get one mocked on social media. See, I'm simply asking what they'd be doing differently if such *were* the case.

A high-level clearance is a license to print money. Indeed. Hence the squealing we heard when Trump started rescinding the clearances of officials from the previous administration.

Why can't children read? Jack Silva didn't know anything about how children learn to read... Silva is the chief academic officer for Bethlehem public schools. It's a mystery!

Unemployment in my region is below three percent. Given the performance of various cashiers, waiters, snow-removal specialists, and automotive service technicians that I've had the pleasure of interacting with this winter, I'd say that bad grammar and neck tattoos aren't the impediment to employment one might think they should be. I'm pretty sure that the kid who wiped down my table a few months ago is now the shift manager, if only because he shows up when scheduled and he doesn't steal too much from the establishment. Hell, it's gotten to the point that employers are actually willing to look at furloughed federal employees as potential new hires!

...if such a practice has adverse impact on a protected class. I'm half-convinced that this is the motivation behind our universities' tireless efforts to maleducate the "privileged" kids. When everybody sounds like a character from Idiocracy, then there's no need to worry about proportionate impact. Matta fix!

...Goodwhites have been conditioned to nitpick and snark and probe for racism. To which the only reasonable reply is, "Oh fuck off, Sally. Swap neighborhoods with me for six weeks and then we'll talk."