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Down the Rabbit Hole
Muchness, Music, and Mayhem
Interests: Music, reading, lots of time at the gym, glitter, shoes, and whatever my kids are into
Recent Activity
Stephanie discusses change in direction. "I wanted a life with no regrets. That’s impossible to achieve, really. To be wholly human is to be flawed; it is how we react to the consequences of our flaws that defines us." Continue reading
Posted May 16, 2020 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses healing. "When will I have worked hard enough and atoned enough that other people stop fucking hurting me as some kind of cosmic penance? Why am I the one left holding the hurt and carrying the blame for anyone else? Why does there seem to be no consequence for their actions, except what I am left to deal with?" Continue reading
Posted Sep 15, 2019 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses her quest for love. "Maybe what I want is delusional. Maybe my love of myth and tortured epic is the fairytale I get. Maybe I am fated to live out my life as a Grimm protagonist." Continue reading
Posted Sep 6, 2019 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses her breakup with Bumblebee. "The fact is, I just have to get through it. Logically, the hurt will abate someday." Continue reading
Posted Aug 30, 2019 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses Queen Frostine. "I know all that matters is that she is here and that we enjoy each other’s company—still after more than 32 years. But parts of me are afraid she will be embarrassed of me, to see that I’m not holding it all together like I should. Like I used to." Continue reading
Posted May 14, 2019 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses long-distance relationships. " For me, it can drive my anxiety to ridiculous levels. For a girl who hates to feel like she’s trapped in a box, the necessary compartmentalization that comes from a long-distance relationship can be terrifying. Not being an active, open part of his day-to-day life can sometimes leave me feeling like an option. On the worst days, I feel like a dirty little secret, which can trigger years’ worth of trauma around shame." Continue reading
Posted Jan 29, 2019 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses living with anxiety. "This is how anxiety works. It is a constant cost/benefit analysis of people and experiences and moments, examining how they may impact my emotions and what future influence they may impart. It is eviscerating discernment, and it is neverending judgment of others and of myself, in desperate attempts to stave off hurt." Continue reading
Posted Jan 1, 2019 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses her sons. "I don’t want them to be grown men who need or strive for validation from their mother. (I’m sure I’ve done enough to screw them up that that doesn’t need to be another topic for their own therapist’s office.) They shouldn’t need my approval to make choices for themselves or their children, though I will always be happy to offer advice and support and encouragement. I may snark about their choices privately, but I will have done my job (and kept the freakin’ baby alive!) if they are in a position to even make those choices." Continue reading
Posted Nov 12, 2018 at Muchness and Light
Absolem used to lament my penchant for hyperanalysis, especially coupled with my impulsivity. “You don’t think, and then you think, and then you overthink!” I mean, he’s not wrong. I can be suddenly and passionately reactionary, then take the time to process and ponder, then spend even more time breaking... Continue reading
Posted Nov 9, 2018 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses heartbreak. "I don’t expect to do this again. There is no more surface of me to scar or fracture without breaking me open irreparably. My fear of emotional abandonment is consistently reinforced, and I have a direct role in choosing the relationships that undergird my insecurities. I do not trust myself to choose wisely." Continue reading
Posted Oct 21, 2018 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses love. "There is nothing more valuable to me, whether it’s romantic or platonic or familial. True love that cares and is concerned and active, not mimicry that makes someone seem a more palatable version of human." Continue reading
Posted Oct 12, 2018 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses sexuality. "But what I’m realizing is that even now, four decades after it started, I am still powerless. I am rarely Self-led or centered in regard to sex. I am perpetually trying to find validation, even when there isn’t love. I don’t inherently believe love is necessary for great or even good sex. I do believe sex is better when it is the manifestation and expression of commitment and trust and respect." Continue reading
Posted May 30, 2018 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses what she values in a relationship. "But one of the things I realized recently is that we didn’t necessarily value the same things in a relationship. Shared interests and similar social and political leanings cannot sustain romantic interaction, if both parties aren’t looking for similar things in romance." Continue reading
Posted Mar 13, 2018 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses the value of a partner. "Relationships are all about negotiating each partner’s needs and wants. It feels kind of seedy to think of it as a debit-and-credit system, but it is a similar give-and-take. In healthy relationships, both partners do a good job of expressing their own needs, of fulfilling what they can for themselves, and of being able to rely on their significant other to be willing to fill in any gaps that they can. It’s delicately symbiotic. If any partner consistently takes too much or gives too little, it quickly shifts to parasitic, and one or both partners suffer as the relationship dies." Continue reading
Posted Mar 5, 2018 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses valuing herself. "All I can do is strive to be the best plausible version of myself. Trying to be the best possible leads me down a path of perfectionism and self-criticism. I will almost never live up to social ideals, nor to anyone else’s personal ideals. It’s taken me a long time to come to understand what is valuable about myself, to myself. The best way for me to honor that is to act in ways that support rather than undermine my value, and that includes the behavior that I will accept from others." Continue reading
Posted Feb 22, 2018 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses cowardice. "It’s hard as hell to admit that you have a role in the demise of your relationships. In my experience, it is never only one partner’s fault. Ever. No matter the circumstances. But to choose to hide your eyes and cover your ears to avoid your own truths, especially when you know it will mean you’ll continue to make the same mistakes over and over, hurting other people in the process, is utterly nonsensical to me." Continue reading
Posted Jan 21, 2018 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses "out with the old." "I am offering one last toast to disappointment, to broken promises, and to unfulfilled dreams. I will drink once more to each and every lost love, all of whom mattered and will always matter, but who cannot continue to keep me mired in the past. I have accepted my fault, and I have accepted theirs, but I cannot continue to define expectations for my future based on the past actions of people I will never see or speak to again. They had opportunity not to be ghosts; I am cutting their chains loose and setting them free." Continue reading
Posted Dec 31, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses changing traditions. "To everyone who is living tradition-challenging change this year, go with it. No matter the reason, find something in the newness in which to anchor yourself, and make it your own. There may be laughter or tears, unequivocal joy or breath-stealing heartache. Make them into what you need. They are yours to do with as you wish." Continue reading
Posted Dec 25, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses redemption. "The redemption comes not through someone else’s choices in how they love me but rather in my own choices of how I love myself." Continue reading
Posted Dec 2, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses Bounder. "It is odd, a little unsettling, to think of life without the possibility of him. I gave up the possibility of him as a romantic partner long ago. Our life goals are different, and he would never be able to consistently meet my needs. But he was always this driving force of emotion and thought, even when we weren’t together, sometimes in contact and sometimes not. Music, in particular, became a daunting prospect for me, because everything could remind me of him." Continue reading
Posted Nov 11, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses self-compartmentalization. "The irony is that in dividing myself into these intricate parts, I have compartmentalized my own emotions, segmenting them and locking them away until I’m ready to deal with them—the very thing I hate most when others do it to me. To be ignored, to be dismissed, to be relegated to the dark and dusty recesses of someone’s heart until such time as I am convenient is enraging to me." Continue reading
Posted Oct 29, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses dating. "What I have finally learned is that the lack of agitation does not mean the attachment is secure. An absence of fluttery pangs in my chest does not equate to happily-ever-after. Because of the inherent insecurity on both sides, they are likely to bolt when they feel trapped by the intimacy they commanded. I’ve done the dance a dozen times and know the warnings signs, so I am always on high alert." Continue reading
Posted Oct 27, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses dating again. "But what happened before is not what’s happening now. I get to choose what happens next. My future is not necessarily determined by my history. I am not doomed to repeat my past, because I am still, constantly, learning those lessons." Continue reading
Posted Oct 22, 2017 at Muchness and Light
Stephanie discusses Harley. "But what’s her purpose? I’m already hurting like hell; what good does it to do to inflict more, albeit different, pain?" Continue reading
Posted Oct 9, 2017 at Muchness and Light