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I mock soaps out of love. And hate. But mostly love.
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Guys, I have questions. And many of them could probably be answered with either "Maybe you should have watched General Hospital at all last week instead of letting episodes pile up into a mountain of soap opera badness that gave you legitimate anxiety every time you glanced at your DVR" or "because the writers just...don't. Or won't. Or can't", but on the off chance that anyone has any REAL insight as to what's happening in Port Charles, I'd be wholly appreciative! 1. Why are Sonny and Shawn framing Heather for Franco's murder? Like, Shawn has failed at literally every single assassination attempt he's ever been assigned. He can't kill someone when he's six inches away from them. So needlessly complicating something that he's shown zero affinity for seems staggeringly stupid, even for Sonny. Think about what I just said--this is so dumb that it's out of character for Sonny "Duh Face" Corinthos. This is some Bermuda Triangle shit, guys. 2. Do you think the writing staff would accept bribes in exchange for a solemn pledge to lay off of baby, baby switch and babynapping stories for an extended period of time? I'd even settle for six months--I'm not crazy enough... Continue reading
Posted Oct 20, 2014 at Serial Drama
Recently, someone asked me how long I'd been soap blogging for and it took me quite some time (much of that time was spent working through denial over aging and the passage of time) to realize that it wasn't the "like, four or five?" years I originally offered as an answer, but eight. Eight years--as in, eight years today. Our little blog is all grown up! Or if not grown up, at least old enough to be assigned complicated math homework and learn cursive. When Serial Drama first started--technically, there are posts from July of 2006, but that's because we wanted our readers to have archives to go through. Which they didn't, because we had no readers for a long time. But if we had, we wanted to warmly welcome them with some backdated posts about bad hair, bad fashion and bad characters. We basically hit the ground running with meanness--Becca and I were on Blogger, we used nicknames and really hated Sonny Corinthos. Over the next eight years, so much has happened: we scored an amazing gig writing for Soap Opera Digest; we were lucky enough to meet the best third blogger that we could have possibly dreamed up;... Continue reading
Posted Oct 3, 2014 at Serial Drama
I know how this is going to sound--it's going to sound CRAZY or like I've been hacked or I've come down with a brain injury after the unfortunate (and unfortunately not hypothetical) moment that I hit my head on my desk when I bent down to turn my heater on (can I distract you from my clumsiness by offering a classic "Workplaces be cold, am I right?")'s true. I am kind of loving Franco proposing to Carly and devoting himself to playing cruel mind games. I KNOW. I am a DISGUSTING shell of my former self. And please don't get me wrong--Franco as a character is probably the worst thing to happen to this show in the past few years, which is both saying something MAJOR and probably also an understatement. I hate that he's on the show, I hate that the show did the most half-assed and silly redemption story possible to shoehorn Roger Howarth back into the show, and I hate the wacky shenanigan soundtrack he gets whenever he's onscreen because how cute is the reformed serial killer, right guys? IT WAS A TUMOR, STOP BEING SO MEAN. Et cetera, et cetera. But kind of fun?... Continue reading
Posted Sep 23, 2014 at Serial Drama
Friends (...Romans, countrymen) (every time I think I am NOT enormously nerdy, I do something like that to prove my own self wrong. It's the worst kind of know-it-allism) (my know-it-allism also extends to me having to physically bite my tongue so I don't correct strangers who I hear saying blatantly incorrect things. I am awful), I apologize once again profusely and sincerely for my General Hospital blogging hiatus. My busiest time of year at work is FINALLY wrapping up and with that, I will have more time to sit in front of a blank computer and come up with something--anything--to say about the current state of General Hospital. Which is kind of difficult, because nothing interesting has happened onscreen lately* and the things that have happened are too dull to even talk about. Sabrina? I'm supposed to buy her as--come on, like you are still even reading. Admit that your eyes glazed over at the very sight of Sabrina's name. But! I absolutely owe it to all of you to at least TRY to make sense of what is happening in Port Charles right now. Or just talk instead about other people and places that share names with those... Continue reading
Posted Sep 5, 2014 at Serial Drama
I have been, without a doubt, the world's lamest General Hospital blogger. Even lamer than the lamest of blogs, because at least those people are writing, albeit lamely, and I am sitting with my laptop out every single evening and the only thing I have to say about a complete hour of television is "[Silence] [Eyeroll] [Heavy sigh] [Does mental inventory of the kitchen cupboard to try and remember if there is Nutella in there] [Sigh] [Deletes episode] [Forgets what happened in the prior hour] [Shudders knowing that even without a memory, Sonny was probably there, grossing things up]" and not managing to write down a single thought. I've forsaken all of you for emotional eating, you guys. The guilt I feel is pretty epic (the ignoring of you, at least. Not so much the Nutella. Not at ALL the Nutella!). But the problem with General Hospital is that sometimes...there is literally nothing to say. Consider: 3/4 of today's show was complete filler. Did we need Ned and Alexis recapping the past few weeks? I mean, yes, I probably did because I often forget what happens in Port Charles minutes after they happen, but (A) that can't be the case... Continue reading
Posted Aug 21, 2014 at Serial Drama
If you were to look at General Hospital in a charitable light (I know, it's weird to me that I typed that, too. I approach very few things charitably--my default state is usually a blend of judgment and skepticism, which probably doesn't make me a very happy person but DOES mean that I have an A++ eyebrow raise. I don't exactly know what came over me), you could technically say that they are giving the people what they want. I mean, how long have I been clamoring for more Quartermaines? Since always, basically; every chance I have, I demand more Quartermaines. And we've gotten...well, we've gotten more scenes that are Quartermaine-related. It's just that, somehow, a story about Alice's heart has become a showcase for Michael and Morgan and goddamn Kiki and you guys, I can't handle that. I don't even like Alice, aside for a mild appreciation that Alice scenes mean one or more Quartermaines will appear onscreen and even that appreciation is hidden under a few layers of irritation at the whole shtick but honestly, I hate Kiki so much that I can't even hear people talk when she's onscreen; everything is muffled by the sound of my... Continue reading
Posted Aug 7, 2014 at Serial Drama
There was a LOT that I was planning to say about today's General Hospital--all right, that is a lie. Possibly the biggest lie I've ever told. I have things to say about today's General Hospital, but certainly not a lot of them, especially since they all boil down to "ugh". Like, Britt scheming with Spencer to get Nikolas back; is there any bigger guarantee of a romantic reunion than faking the disappearance of a small child? That tends to get people hot and bothered, right? Although it IS Nikolas we're talking about, so there was actually a chance that this could have worked in Britt's favor, grossly. Ugh. I'm intrigued in the identity of Fake Luke, but not so intrigued that I've given any brainpower into thinking of who this dastardly man could be; it's more the "Can we fast forward to the big reveal so that I can complain about it with concrete facts at my disposal?" Also, Julian saying "Peace out, bitch" made me uncomfortable in a variety of ways. Ugh. See what I mean? What more can be said? Did anything else even happen? I know Tracy was on, begging for a heart for Alice, but (a)... Continue reading
Posted Jul 31, 2014 at Serial Drama
General Hospital has been, as evidenced by the dearth of recent posts, the kind of dull that just defies description (not that anyone is clamoring to ask me for my incisive thoughts on life in Port Charles; my GH watching is a topic of conversation that people very rarely address, I guess to protect me from the public embarrassment of being known as a GH viewer). I just...I see the actors and I see them acting (and, in some cases, overacting) and all I hear is elevator music. I might be MORE interested in elevator music than I am in anything going on on the show right now! I can't remember anything that happens from scene to scene, because my brain won't let me process it. "No, Mallory, you don't want to know about this because it is terrible." But I DO have questions about some of what transpired this afternoon. There are no answers to these questions--only more questions, like "A group of adults thought this was a good idea? Adult humans?" Were we supposed to...LAUGH at the shenanigans with Franco today? Like, the sex noises in the beginning of the show and Carly's increasing jealousy? Was that supposed... Continue reading
Posted Jul 24, 2014 at Serial Drama
I honestly don't remember--and I have a LONG memory. A creepy long memory. A memory that I often wish weren't quite as razor sharp as it is. And if there's a chance that I forgot something General Hospital related, I have eight (!) (!!) (!!!) years worth of archives that I can go through to check my facts--a period of time in which General Hospital was so relentlessly...dull. There have been periods where it's been AWFUL. Like, all caps, italicized, I talked to people about it (usually against their will) and actually physically foamed at the mouth AWFUl. There have been periods of fineness and even goodness. Both of those periods had something notable; something that you could point to and say "CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT [AMAZING OR TERRIBLE THING] JUST HAPPENED?!" and either smile broadly with delight or punch yourself in the face repeatedly as you try to dream up the PERFECT rage-filled nickname for whatever plot atrocity had just been committed. I long for those days. Even the self-punching days. I hated them while I lived them, but they at least gave us something to discuss. Now? I watched General Hospital twice today (once to watch and once... Continue reading
Posted Jul 8, 2014 at Serial Drama
I don't know if it's the heat (oppressive), the distraction of the World Cup (is there anything more exciting than a shootout? There is not), or General Hospital seriously being a whole new level of dull, but I cannot focus on this show for more than three minutes at a time before I become absolutely paralyzed by disinterest. As a point of comparison, I'd like the record to show that I've written, either in texts or emails, over 500 words about the following topics: the aforementioned World Cup (I cannot !!!!! hard enough), the weirdness of Tim and Tyne Daly being siblings (yes, this is a conversation that happened in 2014), the seasonal variety of seltzers offered by Polar and Poland Spring, Calvin & Hobbes, Go Fug Yourself's anniversary, and Nelly Furtado (this might be the most damning of all). But General Hospital...? I've got nothing. It makes me feel lazy and uncreative and like a talentless hack ("One of us! One of us!" crows the show), but in fairness to me, what am I supposed to say about certain things? Lulu and Dante's quest to have a biological child? I mean, I could wonder why on earth the ONLY... Continue reading
Posted Jul 1, 2014 at Serial Drama
I am, probably, and I don't say this to toot my own horn, but I feel confident in my own abilities: I am the most predictable person on the planet (somewhere, General Hospital gasped a dramatic gasp and screamed "But you're always on MY case for "PREDICTABILITY" and you always do it in ALL CAPS, because you are CRAZY and also A HYPOCRITE", to which I respond that this is entirely different because...of reasons). I'm not proud, I am just saying; I know myself, warts and all ("You're super warty", General Hospital scoffs). And I probably didn't even need to phrase it like that, like it was a grand pronouncement or anything, because you've been reading this blog long enough to know that I am remarkably consistent in my reaction to almost everything: you know I'll hate a mob story, you know I'll have to rewind scenes featuring bad hair and clothing at least five times because I'll be so distracted by the bad hair and clothing that I will completely cease paying attention to anything storyline related, which isn't always a loss, but; and you know that I get super-involved in big sporting events and will look for any... Continue reading
Posted Jun 17, 2014 at Serial Drama
This one is sort of my fault: I've been strangely indecisive all day. About really, embarrassingly dumb things, like which of the ten (!) books on my coffee table I should read first (this is not even getting into the Anastasia Krupnik series, which I have a burning desire to reread after meeting Lois Lowry next week. Sorry for the namedropping but LOIS LOWRY!) or what to wear, or...even more ridiculous things ("Would you like lemon or lime in your seltzer?" "Oh, gosh, I don't know! Ummm...hmm." I am a joy to be around), so of course when I sat down to watch General Hospital, I wasn't sure what kind of show I was really in the mood for (I mean, I am always in the mood for a GOOD show, but that seemed too much to hope for). General Hospital, in all of its unfocused glory, was all too willing to offer me as many alternatives as possible in the space of a single hour. GENERAL HOSPITAL: Are you in the mood for something SAD? MALLORY: Um...maybe. I could use a good cry. GENERAL HOSPITAL: All right. Here it is: Sabrina and Patrick's son is dying. MALLORY: ... GENERAL... Continue reading
Posted Jun 3, 2014 at Serial Drama
I know it feels like Ava Jerome has been a part of our lives for forever--right? Like, I feel like I've been confused by the inconsistent writing she's gotten, Claudia Zacchara style ("You keep saying she's BAD, but she also gets SAD! TWO DIMENSIONS, BITCH!"), for at least five years, but it's only been twelve months of being alternately disgusted, baffled and bored by her. She made an impression very quickly, I guess. It's just that the impression is "Ew...why?"--so it's easy to forget that she doesn't know all of the subtle nuances of life in Port Charles. Like, when a furious Sonny came to her and threatened to kill her for her evil deeds, like killing Connie and basically being wholly responsible for AJ's death as well, if you really look at the facts, she attempted to weasel her way out of certain death by announcing that she's pregnant. (Which...obviously. Of course she is going to be pregnant. OF COURSE. This show has never met a baby storyline it hasn't unnecessarily added to its already crowded canvas. And this is DRAMATIC because Ava is using it to save her own skin, again, much like Claudia before her, and WHO... Continue reading
Posted May 29, 2014 at Serial Drama
I hate to blame the victim and I especially hate to blame a woman who was taking some of her very last breaths at the time--although in my defense, her LAST last breaths were spent apologizing to Sonny for betraying him or not just loving him enough or something similarly vomit-inducing and terrible. I mean, the grossness of those words probably hastened her death because her brain was probably repulsed by that sentiment--and really, Sonny is equally if not MORE at fault here, because he didn't think to, I don't know, call 911 immediately, because he and Connie had to spend as much time as possible exchanging romantic platitudes before she died, BUT: Connie could have saved the audience a whole lot of aggravation and AJ a whole lot of life if she had just freaking told Sonny who shot her instead of being mysterious and writing down the initials of her shooter. Thanks, Connie, because of your melodrama we're down a Quartermaine and had to watch Sonny whisper really, really loudly. Carly: Ava used AJ's gun to kill Connie. Sonny: Connie told me...she wrote his name with her blood. AJ. Carly: Ava Jerome. It's her initials, Sonny. Sonny: No.... Continue reading
Posted May 27, 2014 at Serial Drama
I can't be the only one who started chanting "Spinelli, Spinelli, Spinelli" at my television when the little dweeb opened the door to greet Carly today, right? Or maybe I am, in which case General Hospital has finally pushed me over the edge and turned me into an actual crazy; if that IS the case, please just PRETEND that you also happily chanted Spinelli's name and save your mockery for behind my back. A stroll through our archives shows that my feelings towards Spinelli over the years veere wildly from loathing to mild irritation to rage blackout, so I was as surprised as anyone by the warm fuzzies that overwhelmed me when he appeared onscreen. I mean, at any other point in my life his "It is so felicitous to see you!" would have knocked me off of my couch, such would be the force of my eyeroll, but today was different. Was it because I've had such a break from his peculiar speech patterns and ridiculous nicknames? Was it because many characters introduced since he left town managed to be even more annoying and shticky? Was it because his hatred for Franco never wavered over the course of the... Continue reading
Posted May 20, 2014 at Serial Drama
As I predicted, I lost a considerable portion of my life this weekend wading through classic Nurse's Ball videos (and while I wouldn't consider last year's ball a "classic", I did spend a tremendous amount of time watching Brenda throw a dinner roll at Carly. As I have said many times in the past, my standards for entertainment are incredibly low, which makes daytime's failure to entertain me quite concerning) and purchasing Greek yogurt (FUN FACT: the cashier at Stop and Shop commented on the quantity of Greek yogurt and English muffins I was buying, which wasn't actually that many, but apparently enough to raise an eyebrow. In my defense, the limited edition cinnamon vanilla English muffins are amazing and it was worth the heaps of scorn I brought on myself. Go buy a package. I'll wait.). I did not, however, recap General Hospital. I thought about General Hospital, clearly, and I even talked about it a lot (and not just sending swoony "Remember Robin?!" texts as I finished watching clips. Like, I texted about modern day General Hospital. It was mostly complaining about the grade school love triangle, but still, it happened), but writing did not happen. Can I... Continue reading
Posted May 12, 2014 at Serial Drama
Can we start off by giving some major props to Yoplait for negotiating the terms of their sponsorship of the Nurse's Ball? Because between the logo on the step and repeat on the Nurse's Ball red carpet (which is a thing. A thing that I would normally scoff at but it led to the completely charming scenes of Britt and Brad watching and commenting on the Nurse's Ball arrivals and I found that delightful--rewinding Sam's fall? So mean that I wish they were real and willing to liveblog an episode of this show with me--so I will let the contrivance of the whole thing slide) and Lucy's profuse thanks for their sponsorship, I have Greek yogurt on the brain. This is not actually a departure from my normal state of affairs because I have Greek yogurt every day for lunch and it's also not Yoplait that I am suddenly craving (while I do enjoy their coconut vanilla variety, I admit that I am hopelessly addicted to Yopa. With the toppings? It's like dessert, for breakfast, lunch, snack, dessert, midnight snack), so maybe it didn't work quite as well as they hoped, but at the same time, I am thinking and... Continue reading
Posted May 8, 2014 at Serial Drama
Months ago--I know, it feels like much longer--General Hospital started to hint at some deep secret Silas was carrying with him and we all thought "What are the odds that the writers get distracted by something even less interesting before they ever get around to revealing said deep secret?" "I am already so entertained by Silas circa 2013, and now I get to find out what entertaining shenanigans he got up to in the early 90s? Let me make sure my DVR is set to record this!" And then the tragic secret of his tragic wife was revealed, to the complete indifference delight of the audience, who fast forwarded through every single mention of his wife and her family, which basically reduced the show to thirteen minutes per week hoped that it wasn't asking too much to request more Nina, always, and--fingers crossed--could she be ALIVE because really, think of how golden it would be to watch this character (who literally exists only offscreen like Maris Crane) have dramatic and hopefully prolonged reunions with her loved ones--and enemies, amirite? Well, punch me in the face it's our lucky day, because Nina is ALIVE and PLAYED BY MICHELLE STAFFORD. I will... Continue reading
Posted May 1, 2014 at Serial Drama
General Hospital is--I can hear you all jumping in to finish that sentence. "Dullsville!" "Terrible!" "Conspicuously absent from my DVR's list of recorded series!" "Still on?!--and all of those suggested endings are spot on, although what I was planning to say was that it's exceedingly...difficult. It's difficult to sit through (there are some episodes that were I just a little bit crazier would cause me to become CONVINCED that there is a science fiction plan afoot that messes with the passage of time, because there is no way they are a mere sixty minutes long. Sixty HOURS, maybe) and it's difficult to write about and it's difficult to know exactly how I feel about it. Like, there are moments when I am SO BORED that I become progressively more irritated, but then there are moments when I am SO AGHAST AND/OR ANGRY that I don't even have it in me to give it another thought, because it would just be too bad for my blood pressure. It's an endless cycle of boredom and irritation and repression. Also, I am now worried about how I will react the next time I come across a person named Sabrina. Will I wail "SABRRRRRRRRRINA?!"... Continue reading
Posted Apr 28, 2014 at Serial Drama
Today on General Hospital, a character that we barely know (and whose new/real name I cannot make myself remember--when his mother(s) were going on about James, I felt completely disoriented. I am going to have to put a Post-It on my TV saying James = Nathan...and I'd probably need another one underneath saying Nathan = Nina Cop) found out from his mother, who we know even less (her biggest claim to fame is being the mother and accidental murderer of Nina, who we don't know AT ALL because she exists/existed entirely off screen and in the conversations of other people and yet gets mentioned more than actual contract characters and I am weirdly and obsessively bitter about this), that she's not actually his mother but his aunt (and that Dr. Obrecht is his mother because OF COURSE SHE IS. It is random and it makes no sense and it's not particularly interesting, nor does it set up any storylines, but Dr. Obrecht is both comic relief and a convenient villain, so naturally the show is going to revolve around her, right?). Madeline--Yes, I Needed To Turn Closed Caption On To Remember: My last name is not West. It's Westbourne. Nathan... Continue reading
Posted Apr 14, 2014 at Serial Drama
If someone were to ask me to recap today's General Hospital (this would be highly unusual, because most people do not watch General Hospital, but there is always the chance that someone watched and became so bored from these 44 minutes of dullness that they fell while standing and when they came to, they had--were blessed with?--amnesia and wanted to know what they had missed out on), I honestly don't know what I'd even say. "People talked. In a few different places. About know, things that are happening and things that already happened. Some people even had feelings about these things. Not Silas, though--judging from his tone of voice, he literally feels no emotion. He could be a robot. Does Sam have a weakness for men who are part cyborg? Did she see Robocop in her formative years? Or did she see the remake? I haven't seen either, so I am sort of ill-equipped to be using it as a joke here especially since, the more I think about it, the less likely it is that she'd have a childhood crush on any sort of crime-fighter. I should have gone with a tried and true Small Wonder reference. Can... Continue reading
Posted Apr 8, 2014 at Serial Drama
I was traipsing through the Serial Drama archives looking for a particularly unsettling screencap of the Quartermaine crypt (which I found--I should warn you, these images are not safe for your blood pressure) and I stumbled upon my reaction--a rageful and very, very long reaction--to finding out that Diego was the Text Message Killer and aside from the reference to Maxie's unfortunate experimentation with babushkas, which clearly dates it as an early 2008 piece, it's something I could have written today. About yet another shitty story featuring someone who died multiple times. "We all know that the GH powers-that-be exert effort as often as they give screentime to Jacklyn Zeman. After all, WHY write for a dozen characters when you can just have the same four people have the same conversation every day? And WHY write stories about women being strong and independent when you can just use scripts from the 1950s and have women on your show solely to be victims or incubators? And WHY dress your cast in clothes that seem like they could be sold in actual stores when you can instead borrow hats from kindly grandmothers? ...the GH powers-that-be DO sometimes work hard to do something... Continue reading
Posted Apr 3, 2014 at Serial Drama
You probably came here expecting a rant on AJ's death*, and Sonny's involvement in it*** and my thoughts on how wasteful it was to bring AJ back from the dead at all**** if they were going to just kill him off*****. But that is not going to happen tonight, because I have moved on from the anger****** phase of grief to the bargaining one. Because really: if this could be a fakeout--a cheap fakeout, sure. And a temporary fix to audience heartache, because Sean Kanan is leaving either way, so dead or alive, it's not like AJ is going to be gracing our televisions with his presence*******--I would be so happy. I'd be thrilled. I'd be so happy and so thrilled that I'd be willing to swallow any sort of explanation for why he's not actually dead. Any sort. Guys, I'd even be willing to accept him waking up--from the dead--at the sound of Kiki's voice. Like, if they went ahead and made Kiki legitimately magical, I'd be like "This is totally a fair trade. Now she's REALLY magic instead of merely METAPHORICALLY magic." I'd watch the scenes of Michael and Monica fawning over her without fast forwarding. If that's... Continue reading
Posted Mar 31, 2014 at Serial Drama
As hard as the General Hospital commercial narrator tries to convince me that every episode is going to be one that I won't want to miss because it will change Port Charles forever by incorporating twists I never saw coming, I usually don't believe him. This is partly because being a jaded know-it-all is kind of my thing (it's a mostly unintentional thing. I just have facial features that meld together into boredom and disinterest) and mostly because nothing in Port Charles ever changes and many episodes are actually must-misses. My best friend is a much more reliable barometer: she'll text me things like "This show is awful" or "Kiki makes me want to go deaf", but today's "GH was REALLY good today" had me intrigued/nervous that she had hit her head. She was right: it was like one long trainwreck, in the best possible way. Tracy: What's going on? Ric: All hell just broke loose. Um, to put it mildly! I sincerely hope that the entire cast had throat lozenges handy. And I'm not entirely sure that Kelly Thiebaud will ever get the smeared mascara off of her face. All of the characters involved were acting demented and their... Continue reading
Posted Mar 25, 2014 at Serial Drama
Last week, my computer abruptly died (right when I was in the middle of a long overdue post about General Hospital that, in the interest of full disclosure, was not a very interesting one and was mostly a list of things that had bored me about that day's episode, which I think was basically everything about it except for my mild curiosity about what Luke's deal is) and after I had a mini-meltdown ("I have so many FILES on there! I have so many PICTURES on there! I have so many PERFECT GIFS TO USE IN RESPONSE TO PEOPLE SAYING SASSY THINGS TO ME on there!" (Have hilarious television .gifs ruined the art of in-person discussion for anyone else? I answered someone's "What did you do this weekend?" question with a long discussion of a book I just finished and a rambling recap of my quest to find the perfect turquoise ottoman at Homegoods, and I wish I could have punctuated it with Stuart Smalley's "I am fun to be with" but alas), I asked my father if he could take a look at it, because he is a fixer of many things. And he did take a look at... Continue reading
Posted Mar 17, 2014 at Serial Drama