Oh please let this poverty end God. I can't take it anymore. So many bills and so little money and so many expectations of what I should still do (drive into town, buy people gifts). How am I supposed to do anything with the $3 I have left after paying only my major bills?! What about my cell phone bill & student loan bill and more gas and food and...?! Continue reading

Today at church a man came and talked about his daughter, who committed suicide this past year at 17. Now he goes around the country riding his bike, talking to whoever he meets, telling them that life is worth living. It got me thinking again, of course. And it dredged up all my pain. AGAIN. Stuff I apparently am still holding back. Repress. Stuff. Withdraw. That is what I do. And why shouldn't I? It seems so much easier than dealing with reality. Reality is that every single one of my friends - which is very hard to come by... Continue reading

So my Facebook fast didn't last. However, I have been getting on much less frequently, just once a day. Still, too many hours spent on it and I need to cut back, maybe use a timer so I'm only on for an hour at the most. However, still fasting dating, and secular music, and really haven't started missing either yet. Though I did mess up last week and went out with this guy expressly for the purpose of making out with him. I hate that. I am a total user. I was feeling sad and lonely and undesireable and extremely... Continue reading

I have a problem. I am a Facebook addict. Facebook has become to me what meth is to a druggie. Just like them I have become isolated, lonely. Lost friends. Lost work. Just like them I have learned to escape by using a tool that is in fact destroying me. When I admit all that outloud I feel silly and foolish. How can the internet be a drug? But it is. I've had so many goals for years that I've never seen through because I was too busy spending all my freetime on Facebook, IM, discussion forums, and chatrooms. Since... Continue reading

I have been feeling rather weepy the last couple days. Normally I would attribute such an occurrence to an onslaught of hormonal tendencies, usually conducive to PMS (he he, I wanted to sound really smart. So I wrote that sentence). But that's not the case. I just finished about a week ago so it's not that. Today I'm just in that "blah, woe is me, I really want a boyfriend, someone who can hold me, right now" mood. I am tired of waiting for it. It has been almost 2 years since my first and only ex thus far. Will... Continue reading

Aggh I'm so hurt right now. The pain is gushing out on the inside, threatening to cascade in a waterfall of tears and I don't have any way to release but to write here where no one even hears. I just wish I had one person to talk to about this…well, besides my parents. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful I have parents that care. But…there is something about having a heart-to-heart with a peer who understands you and gets you and cares about you. I still feel like I haven't found that. I really should've seen this one... Continue reading

I may not have a boyfriend, but I have a wonderful guy friend. And that is almost just as good. Heck, maybe it is better. Friends accept you as you are. Friends don't often require you to wear a mask. Friends listen, and seem to sense when something is wrong. Maybe boyfriends do that too, I really don't know. I have only had one. And he was sweet...but it wasn't the same. Or maybe this friend is just something special. I don't even know if he knew what a rotten day I was having Thursday or if it was just... Continue reading

I really do have great parents. This morning as I was leaving to go to work, I mentioned that I might be going to a White Elephant Christmas party after work. My Mom asked if I had anything to take, and I told her "yeah, I think I'm going to take this DVD that I was going to sell." She and Dad jumped up and said "We might have something else around the house that you can take," and I was like "yeah, that would be cool because it IS supposed to be a funny gift." They proceeded to race... Continue reading

Loneliness. Emptiness. Listlessness. Boredom...DEPRESSION. I wish I had someone real to talk to about all this. But instead, I am creating yet another blog. I'm not really sure why. I guess, to get out all the stuff I can not say. Yes, this is really just another mask. But the mask protects. No one wants to know the real me. So I continue the facade. At least this will be some release, some escape from the happy smiley face I must put on every day. All I really want to do is let down the mask and find that there... Continue reading

The water symbolizes the hope of a brighter day located just over the horizon that I still cling to. The makeup, clothes, and general beauty of the girl sitting alone on the rocks symbolizes the face I put on to blend into a hard place, yet still find myself alone. Lonely. Empty. Listless. Today I feel depressed. And I wish there was someone real I could talk to about it. But instead, I am creating yet another blog. This time, to get all the stuff out that I can not say. Yes, this is simply another mask. But the mask... Continue reading