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Wow - What brings me to my knees as I worship God? The realization that God loved me enough to bring me to my knees before blessing me with my son, Daxton. Let me give you some background. JB and I had gotten pregnant on our honeymoon (which was picture perfect in my eyes), only to lose the baby at 8weeks. I was absolutely crushed. I had waited for what I thought was the right time, and it was taken from me. I was on my 3rd marriage, 31yrs old, and was finally ready! I consoled myself by telling myself God knew what he was doing, but that was the extent that I leaned on Him. Two months later, I was pregnant again. I was excited, but a little worried. I assured myself that everything would be fine - what are the chances of it happening again, right? We went to our 8 week check-up, and no heartbeat. I remember going to the bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror and the anger and hurt on my face was more than I could stand. I picked myself up and told myself yet again, God had other plans. I forced myself to not even try to imagine or understand what those plans were to keep the anger and hurt from flooding back in. I was in a daze for a long period of time it seemed. About a month later - JB decided he was ready for us to start attending Church. The miscarriages and a lay off from his job were weighing heavily on him and he didn’t know where else to turn. I had never been as a child and was very uncomfortable with the idea. I believed in God, but I was one of those that heard all my life, and believed, that you didn't have to go to believe. Reluctanly, I gave in. I knew in my heart one day we would have children. I knew one day I would be faced with the question of "why didn't we go to church when I was little"? I couldn't stand the thought of being the reason why... That I was "too uncomfortable". I felt strangely out of place. It seemed everyone was out to meet me!! To know me! To hear my story! A story I wasn't sure I was ready to tell. These people sang to the Lord for way too long. All I could do while I was there was cry. One song in particular was almost more than I could stand. I know it by heart now, but then, all I heard was "You give and take away"... not the "Blessed be your name” part. I heard talk while I was there of the Holy Spirit, Salvation, and being saved. I was so confused and thought - What does all that mean? I believed in God and I was basically a good person. Did that mean I was saved? What did the Holy Spirit have to do with all that? Suddenly, I felt lost and I needed answers. We sat down with a couple from church and they talked to me about being saved and that it’s about accepting Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior and how when you do that the Holy Spirit comes to live inside of you. I realized I didn’t even know if I was saved or not. I had spoke those words, about 6 years ago when I was going through a divorce and my Daddy told me I needed to pray that prayer. But nothing changed in my life. I was completely confused, but knew in my heart that if I had to ask myself if I was saved or not, then I wasn’t. A week later, I found out I was pregnant again. It once again, had only been 2 months. I was sick. The doctor had told us to wait at least 3 months, and we hadn’t been trying. We had actually been trying NOT to get pregnant. I didn’t want anyone to know. I told JB and we cried together. He asked if we could share it with a few people at church we had gotten to know so they could be praying for us. The next morning, we did. I cried the whole service, I cried the whole day. I was an emotional wreck. I couldn’t bare the thought of going through losing another pregnancy again. I couldn’t bare the thought of looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the hurt on my face, the disappointment, the anger, the failure. The following morning as JB left for work and I was all alone - I burst into tears. Gut wrenching sobs. I accepted Jesus at the moment and gave my baby, my pregnancy, my hope, my fear, my faith, my everything, to Him. 9 months later, my precious baby boy Daxton Benjamin was born. He came right on schedule, on his due date, Thanksgiving Day. We publicly dedicated him on Mother’s Day, my first of course. He’ll be 7 months old this month and he is the sweetest, happiest, most beautiful little thing I’ve ever seen. So, what brings me to my knees as I worship God? Knowing He loved me enough to bring me to my knees only to bless me beyond measure. Looking into my son’s beautiful blue eyes as he smiles at me and realizing that the love I feel for him is nothing compared to the love God has for me. THAT brings me to my knees!!! Sarah
Toggle Commented Jun 17, 2010 on just radiant... completely at JustaChick
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Jun 17, 2010