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Community Psychologist. Writer. Avid Reader. Researcher. Activist- one who questions everything!
Interests: Family. Activism. Writing. Research. Change the world.
Recent Activity
Lessons learned this year has forever changed my view of people and the world - and yet I will not allow myself to become hateful and cynical. I've learned that people will take advantage of others if they think they can get away with it - seen it too many times - the haves feed on the have nots - strong on the weak - people don't genuinely care for each other anymore - it's detestable. I learned that Self-love is fundamental - without it we are lost because this world can be a harsh, evil place and we have to be able to love ourselves enough to fight through the storms and not lose or compromise that which makes us good and decent and human. I am ok with breaking ties and removing people from my life who have proven not good for me. What comes next? I don't know. I've outgrown my crab shell - I will not stay trapped in barely surviving - there is indeed life to be lived - the last two years has left no doubt that I can survive the harshest conditions and not lose myself. . Continue reading
Posted Jan 19, 2020 at KITTEN
I woke up this morning feeling blissfully alive - the kind that a lost soul must experience when finally it discovers home. And even though the weather outside looks dreary and cold - inside it feels like spring with all the freshness, newness and rebirth of change. I have always, in my dark moments, retreat inside myself for self protection and healing - back to my cozy crab shell and my place of innocence. My self reflections were long and the soul searching, consuming. And the tears I cried were not just for me. But the time has come - to emerge. The past is retired. Today is here and tomorrow hold its mysteries and wonders. If the last two years was meant to test my will, resilience, courage, mental strength, boundaries, integrity, humanity - both life and I have engaged in a battle of will - testing for that which makes and break the other. And now I'm ready for what comes next. Continue reading
Posted Jan 19, 2020 at KITTEN
It's been almost two years since my marriage to Leo ended, and except for a few tears shed here and there, I still have not had a heart wrenching, soul crushing cry to mourn my marriage. Though I've often wondered upon my absent tears, and think back to other break-ups, some I vividly recall embracing crying as both my cleansing and starting over - it took me a while to realize that I have mourned Leo - and that weeping does not always come in tears. With Leo, the circumstances surrounding our break-up and my struggle to find him in the shattered pieces of us created a gray space that demanded more of me - not just my heart but a pound of flesh and bone and pride and dignity. Indeed, I have mourned him - mourned us - a thousand times in a thousand different ways with each stroke of my pen laced with our painful outcome - mourned him in all hours of sleepless nights and early mornings when I was compelled to write, edit, and delete my way back to this loved self that I call home. Continue reading
Posted Dec 16, 2019 at KITTEN
KITTEN is now following Ellie
Dec 7, 2019
I was reminded that life conditions are as varied and colorful as the many aspects that makes us both same and unique - and that fundamentally, few things are black and white. Reflecting on my experience with interracial dating, I have dated diversely, but have never dated anyone because of their ethnicity. Mine remains a simple process of boy meets girl and falls in love because who he is - and who I am connects beyond surface level seeing and comes from a place where a thing name love can exist. I recently met an interracial couple, that I will reference as the Bernards, a black woman and a white man - and saw in them a shared love and tenderness between two people who said, we met and fell in love. The issue of black and white relationships continue to be highly debatable among both sides - understandably so - as a nation, we are still struggling with overt racism rooted in the nation's history - and there remains unaddressed race-related trauma that must be addressed for substantial progress to be made. But with love a personal decision that can only truly be made between those involved in the... Continue reading
Posted Dec 6, 2019 at KITTEN
Hello TheRuskGeek. It's been a long time. Thanks for stopping by.
Toggle Commented Dec 4, 2019 on Self-care at KITTEN
She stayed with me long after I left the coffee shop where I go to work sometimes. The limp she dragged around, the froth around her mouth, her torn, dirty clothes not fit for the cold weather and the thing that grabs me most - the blankness in her eyes as she went around the packed room asking for change with a rehearsed script. 'I'm hungry. I haven't eaten in days. Can you spare some change?" She was given a few dollars here and there until one of the workers stopped her from approaching people by offering her a cup of water. And everyone in the coffee shop went back to what they were doing seemingly unfazed. Who else saw her, I wondered - not just viewed her from the veil of being embarrassed that for a brief moment she brought them into her homeless, begging world, but saw her as a human being, in the role of a mother, sister, aunt or friend? I watched her leave and continued her begging outside, sipping water, limping and begging. The realization came that somewhere along the way, her life condition had carved her stone-like - that she may lose the will... Continue reading
Posted Dec 1, 2019 at KITTEN
I have always believed that a woman should know, and be clear about what she brings to a relationship - and it cannot be just sex. This belief keeps me grounded and always thriving to be the best version of myself, physically, emotionally, intellectually, financially and otherwise - that I will be equipped to meet the needs of a relationship on multiple levels. One cannot set standards for others that they cannot meet. When things go wrong in my relationships and life in general, my primary focus is foremost on self. In what ways had I contributed to the breakdown, if any? Could I have done things differently? If so, what? And for the ways in which I may have contributed, I accept accountability even if my actions would not have changed the outcome. I used to apologize to Leo for not being the most attentive wife - even though my inattentiveness was not deliberate. He was retired - I was overwhelmed with working a fulltime job while enrolled in an accelerated doctoral program. I barely had time to sleep - sex went from frequent, passionate and charged with anticipation to seldom, mechanical and obligatory. I didn't blame him for... Continue reading
Posted Nov 30, 2019 at KITTEN
Every life situation changes us - some more than others - to the extent that we may emerge from certain events barely recognizable to our former self - which may or may not be a bad thing. The last few years has changed me profoundly - When I look back 15 years into the pages of my documented life here, I feel both humbled and amazed at my evolution. Beyond getting older, the woman I am today is starkly different in most aspects from my younger self - and yet, as I read through the pages, I am consumed with a sense of dejavu that when it comes to relationship struggles - I've been here before, trapped in a recurring theme of failed relationships and working my way back to starting again. I am committed to ending this destructive cycle - As such, this phase of my life stretches beyond a mere notion of self-care, I am focused on my over-all well-being, physical, emotional, psychological, family, career and relationships, intimate and otherwise. As a Community Psychologist whose work centers on working with black women and girls utilizing community psychology principles to foster a healthy self-identity, and self-ownership towards an improved... Continue reading
Posted Nov 28, 2019 at KITTEN
What does it mean to move on from a breakup? For me it's an honest look at myself - standing naked in front of the mirror and refusing to look away no matter the reflection. It can be countless hours, days, months - for some, years of self-examination asking tough questions and answering them even if the answers are unkind. It's accountability, understanding and forgiveness - being kind and patient with oneself and developing an unshakable trust in ones ability to make sound decisions even after a near fatal mistake. It's knowing that it's ok to sit in ones silence and be at peace - that being alone does not mean lonely and the strength to not be pressured into romantic involvement with anyone for any reason except ones desire. And most importantly, moving on requires emotional, psychological and physical selfishness - to do what's necessary to find peace. For the last 15 years, this website has been a place of refuge where I come to write, edit and delete my way to clarity and healing. My insistence on writing about my relationship with Leo is not about holding on to the past - not self-pity, inability to move on,... Continue reading
Posted Nov 26, 2019 at KITTEN
"Loving you and wanting to keep you is a selfish act," Leo told me one day. Things he said to me comes home now and again when I toss one of my many questions to the universe. This, as I journey my way back to a SELF and space that does not try to shake me loose. Undoubtedly, I decide how our end shapes and what follows me into tomorrow - but as one who writes from the heart, and who is perpetually questioning, it's difficult not to whisper into the void, the persistent, nagging question that my pride wants to know, did you ever love me? Well, did you? Mine may be a fool's heart - but I believe he did love me - at some place - in some time - in a way that he perceived love to be - at least I can sell myself that version - it's more palatable than the alternative that he never loved me and nothing about us was real. There were moments when he struggled to leave me it seemed - expressed in a fit, I'm not good for you, that I perceived as dramatics - for that he was... Continue reading
Posted Nov 23, 2019 at KITTEN
"Have enough courage to trust love one more time, and always one more time" __ Maya Angelou Experience has taught me that a heart can be shattered, innocence can be lost, and healing takes time - that love does not, cannot exist in a relationship with someone who lies, cheats, deceives, use, misuse and abuse the relationship - and that a love affair built on a cracked foundation cannot sustain itself. Indeed, love can be a hard lesson learned - that some will take us down dark lonesome roads and leave us to find ourselves and get back home. These relationships can derail a person from love – if not careful – for life. But despite loves sometimes mortal wound, I have learned that a good man’s touch can heal a woman’s broken heart, and re-eenergize a weary spirit. As such, I know never to abandon my quest for true love - that not all men/women are bad – there are those who can love absolutely and wants to be loved absolutely in return. And so, of the many valuable lessons that life has taught me - one is to be patient, tender and forgiving of myself - to understand... Continue reading
Posted Jun 13, 2019 at KITTEN
Poets and lyricista throughout time - in sonnets and love songs have tried to tell stories of love. I have learned that love is unique to the giver and receiver. Those of us who has known love knows that love gives freely of itself - that if a relationship feels like a job that we do not want to do, we are in the wrong relationship for love is effortless - it cannot be caged or controlled - it is the kind of thing that grows with age and defies time - that makes two people love through all the pain and disappointments that life brings their way because they know each other from the inside out - and knows that they are better together than alone. Indeed, some love affairs can only be explained in prose. Sometimes one cannot explain what or why they feel what they feel - Continue reading
Posted Jun 9, 2019 at KITTEN
Marriage from Leo lasted less than a year. Now one year, six months since I left, I am still too wounded to get genuinely close to anyone new. Sometimes love takes us down a lonely road and leaves us to stranded in the desert. Getting back home to self can be a long, dusty journey. However, I am careful not to blame Leo entirely for my current condition. The healing process requires honest and thorough self-analysis and accountability. I am not without blame. I willingly got involved and marry Leo. As easy as it would be to blame his mental illness, lies betrayal and ghost-like disappearance that left me grasping for reason and answers to us - I chose him to be my partner and must first understand and take responsibility for choosing him as my partner to prevent a re-occurence. The question I ask myself is not why he hurt me - rather, I want to know the fundamental reasons that drove my decision to get involved and marry him. It is also my responsibility to control the effect and my recovery. I tell myself that it was not love that left me wounded - it was Leo's madness... Continue reading
Posted Jun 9, 2019 at KITTEN
I wrote the post, The One Trick Pony about CX in 2012. A line from that post read, "Now that I know what CX is, there is no mystery about the last nine years. And there is no mystery about the future. I promise you, there are more court battles on the horizon. I can guarantee that CX is still going around smearing my name to anyone who will listen to him. I can guarantee that he always will." I did not speak to CX for about seven years after the senseless, distorted, control-driven custody battle that shattered our small family. When I filed a racial discrimination and retaliation complaint against VERIZON, a case that reached both the EEOC and the IDHR, I was worried about Caesar and mentioned the situation to CX who is a practicing employment lawyer. He said that he would help me. For a brief moment, I allowed myself to forget the horrific lies he told about me and his all-out attempt to destroy my life years ago. To win custody, he had to demonize me - and CX assassinated my character. I made myself forget because I forgave him and could not imagine any ill... Continue reading
Posted Oct 6, 2018 at KITTEN
There is a bit of shame in those moments when I allow myself to feel the missing - like the questions I ask that I know will never be answered, such as, "Did you ever love me?" I cannot conceive of a moment in this lifetime, that Leo could look at me again. And yet, I doubt that I will ever forget the drifter who shattered my heart and fed the pieces to the wind. Perhaps that is the essence of what will make us unforgettable - like a lesson carved into a magnet sticks to ones refrigerator as a constant reminder. But that's okay. I've picked myself up - and I am laying a new foundation and constructing new walls. "It's possible to lose something you never had; you can't convince my heart otherwise," - Leo Kristopher - Continue reading
Posted Oct 1, 2018 at KITTEN
I have conceded to leave my life with Leo in the realm of the unknown where we found each other. I still cannot write our story – perhaps we are more of a blank page than words written on a paper, like twin unmarked graves in a cemetery. Not because we didn’t exist – but ours is a mystery so tangled, who or what we were to each other may forever defy an explanation. It's been 9-months since I’ve seen Leo, and it is time to move on. It is said that a divorce is like death – and for healing to take place, one must mourn their loss. And so, there are times when I reflect on our early days when I could see him, feel him and could taste his breath on my face. Days and nights when his hands and lips would transform my body into a work of art that he poured and stored himself. And I have wept for the two artistic, mystical souls, who may have – in every lifetime, been destined to meet and fall in love – each with a tragic end. Despite the mental illness that tortured Leo – I held... Continue reading
Posted Sep 1, 2018 at KITTEN
Even though I left and divorced Leo - my heart has yet to process and reconcile the end of my marriage. Despite all that I know about him now - I cannot find Him in the shattered pieces of us. I’ve tried to write our final chapter - but words fail me. Leo remains the one story of my life that I cannot write. I am frozen in our stillness staring at the empty space where we once lived - wondering, what happened here? Did we even exist? We did - even if for him I was a planned affair doomed from the start - one that would leave a stake through my heart. I collect pieces of our remains the way one wades through ash in a burnt down house after a fire had raged through. This search for reason and meaning to us is futile - I know - no aspect of our life is retrievable. Yet there are days when I find a piece of us in a memory tucked away and I wonder who Leo is and where he’s gone. A thought that brings to mind an image of the old, homeless woman he painted -... Continue reading
Posted Jul 30, 2018 at KITTEN
I found Leo's heart in the words of a poet I'd never heard of - the mystery is solved then - I guess. You see, I fell in love with Leo in a poem he wrote, SHE even before I met him. And whenever I find myself explaining why and how I loved him, besides his humor, intelligence and our kindred quest to find the kind of relationship that deserves a name like 'love' - I speak mostly about the depth of his writing and his extra-ordinary talent as an artist. It was here, in his stories and paintings that I found him living - connected with him and constructed our lives. I realize now why it was a world like no other - it wasn't real. We'd built our dream-life within a dream. Still, whoever or whatever else Leo may be - the poet/artist who brushstroked his way into my heart is out there somewhere painting a new reality - it's the only place in the world he feels alive. I know, I lived with him in one of his dream world. I was perched on the cusp of giving up on love when I discovered Leo Christopher's poems,... Continue reading
Posted Jun 9, 2018 at KITTEN
I have yet to dissect my marriage to Leo. Thus far, it's the one chapter in my life story that I've been unable to write. I got married April 4th 2017 - It ended December 30th 2017 (under bizarre and frightening circumstances) - I filed for Divorce February 13th 2018 - March 13th, my husband was served divorce papers by the sheriff's office (after much difficulty with the mail delivery service - despite certified mail). The court allows 30-days after someone is served for them to respond. If they do not respond the filing spouse can file a petition for 'divorce by default' April 23rd - (husband still have not responded. I hired a lawyer to file a 'petition for divorce by default'. (That turned into an unfortunate situation.) - May 29th - I filed a new petition and mailed notification of our court date. Once again - there are issues with the mail delivery service and my the email to my husband is blocked. Stats: - 10 month marriage - No children - No marital assets or joint property to share This sounds like it should be simple, right? So simple that the attorney with whom I consulted in... Continue reading
Posted Jun 8, 2018 at KITTEN
I write this post in memory of my father who died yesterday. Even though he was in his eighties, the image of my father in this picture with my mother and three of my sisters as children is a favorite of mine. This is how I shall remember him - a loving father with a big heart who made sure that his family was cared for and loved. He was always giving of himself and as such, he garnered the love and respect of many who knew him. My father lived a remarkable life. It is with a broken heart that I celebrate this incredible man who gave me life. To my dad, you are forever loved and you will be forever missed. "For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?" Kahlil Gibran Continue reading
Posted May 23, 2018 at KITTEN
Deciding to pursue a Ph.D. wasn’t a difficult decision. I consider myself a student of life In every situation - be it personal, professional, social and otherwise. I commit to learn and grow into the person that I desire. On Monday, May 7th, I successfully defended my dissertation and earned the title, Dr. Patricia Luckoo, Ph.D. My dissertation, “Deconstructing Negative Stereotypes, Myths and Microaggressions about Black Women: Reconstructing Black Women’s NARRATIVE, Identity and the Empowering Nature of Ethnic Identity” explores enduring intersectional challenges with racial discrimination that remain a significant aspect of many Black women’s everyday experience. My research argues that a strong ethnic identity in self and group membership serves as a buffer against microaggressions. Even though my study focuses on Black women, all are welcome to join the discussion irrespective of their ethnicity. A better understanding of each other is essential to our collective growth. “I think the more we know the better we are. I mean not just facts. The more we know about each other, the closer we are to learning something about ourselves.” -Maya Angelou- Continue reading
Posted May 11, 2018 at KITTEN
Writing about my experience with cybercrime and what might have been an attempt at identity theft - has been a strange experience. I was focused on my dissertation being destroyed because that was such a traumatic experience. But the real question is why? I learned a long time ago that if we ask enough why’s eventually, we’ll get to the source of any issue. And as more pieces of the puzzle comes into view, I am beginning to think that the motive behind this cyber attack was far more complex than I had originally thought. And now, I’m left to ponder, how does one prepare for the unknown? This question takes me to a fundamental commitment that I made to myself a long time ago - that in this life, I will have a say in how my life story is written. There may be different versions, but one will be mine. When I packed my bags on New year's day and left 100 Forest Place, 13th-floor apartment - where the Chicago city skyline marks the backdrop of life that until December 30th I still shared with my husband, KB (aka) Leo - the need to get a bird’s eye... Continue reading
Posted Apr 20, 2018 at KITTEN
I was hacked between end of September . PI'm not sure that I am in the clear at this point nor do I yet know the extent of the damage. My financial accounts, passwords, SSN, physical and online personal, professional, educational, and social information was compromised and accessed including Sexkitten. My dissertation was dismantled and distorted to the point that it read like it was written by a crazy person. It lacked organization, structure and coherence. As for Sexkitten, there are approximately 817 entries here, and I have not had a chance to go back and review 99.9% the entries to see what, or if any of my posts have been distorted and dismantled similarly to my dissertation. I am still untangling the real motive behind the hacking. Continue reading
Posted Apr 12, 2018 at KITTEN
It’s time we get reacquainted ... Continue reading
Posted Nov 10, 2017 at KITTEN