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Lisa Okuhn

Interests: How it's all gone wrong, how it's all gone right, reading, writing, dancing, kids (all of them but some more than others), adults (mostly what they do to one another), you know, that kind of stuff.

Recent Activity

Just one word. Velcro. My future is in Velcro. Literally. I’m surrounded by the stuff, more and more of it. Surrounded by its harsh ripping sounds; the tattered sweater surfaces it’s destroyed; the scratchy texture like the hide of an... Continue reading

Posted Feb 2, 2017 at That's Empress to You

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We went to the beach yesterday, to try to survive. Our first instinct, and a good one, was to go to the coast and watch huge waves crashing on the Northern California shore. A wave doesn’t favor or forgive, nor... Continue reading

Posted Nov 10, 2016 at That's Empress to You

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Post–Burning Man Questions

Does breaking your fingernail attaching LED lights to your bike count as radical self-reliance? Why is it called Electronic Dance Music when no one can dance to it and it’s not really music? (I suspect the answer lies in the... Continue reading

Posted Sep 6, 2016 at That's Empress to You

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I love this photo my sister took of me hugging Jackson at his graduation. I look old and seriously ugly but I see a lot of his life and our history in those wrinkles and that scrunched-up expression—all the days... Continue reading

Posted Jun 1, 2016 at That's Empress to You

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Prince 1958-2016

Maybe every generation can make this claim, but I think Prince embodied, anthemized, and shaped the young adulthoods of me and my now quite ripe middle-aged cohorts. Just as we were emerging into the world, suddenly there was this glorious... Continue reading

Posted Apr 21, 2016 at That's Empress to You

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Suburban Security

I don’t mean to keep banging on about the lock-up policies at Safeway (and other SF stores, namely the Castro Street Walgreen’s), but in news that celebrates the timeless complacency of the American suburb: the Menlo Park Safeway does not... Continue reading

Posted Mar 22, 2016 at That's Empress to You

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A 180-pound guy threatened to beat the shit out of me the other day, and then in a sputtering and redundant coda, to kick my fucking ass. I was surfing at Sharks and a fat, middle-aged man paddled up to... Continue reading

Posted Jan 2, 2016 at That's Empress to You

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Today’s highly localized advice: Count to three-Mississippi at the stop sign on Church and 19th Street, because that Rectitude Cop guy is lurking, waiting to chase you up or down the hill, siren whooping, smirking with glee under his motorcycle-cop... Continue reading

Posted Dec 8, 2015 at That's Empress to You

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Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to barrage you with penile enhancement ads.

I read a recent piece by some San Francisco tech guy in which he presents a mathematical equation that compares the attractiveness of San Francisco women to that of San Francisco men, and seeks to plot, also mathematically, why women... Continue reading

Posted Nov 29, 2015 at That's Empress to You

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We’ve Moved! The seventh circle of hell is now located at the Potrero Center Safeway.

On the Monday before Thanksgiving, they have one regular checkstand open. There’s an express line for the crackheads buying a 40-ounce and a pack of gummy worms; and several self-checkout stations, which invariably require the assistance of an employee anyway.... Continue reading

Posted Nov 23, 2015 at That's Empress to You

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I was told two nights ago that I am sour. Which made me cry. And also made me want to take a poll to see who was actually sourer, but that would be highly impractical and would not exactly prove... Continue reading

Posted Nov 19, 2015 at That's Empress to You

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I'm back. I’ve staggered out of the catacombs of the gainfully employed back into the warming light/searing glare of the quote writing life and back to the novel whose badness makes me sweat and mutter “I hate myself,” which yes,... Continue reading

Posted Nov 18, 2015 at That's Empress to You

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Lisa Okuhn has shared their blog That's Empress to You

Nov 17, 2015

TBA List day two

1. Long quiet shadows on a cool summer morning. 2. The miracle of Advil. That miracle is not working too well. But the shadows held the quiet promise of a small adventure. And there's always Run River in bed. Continue reading

Posted Jul 23, 2012 at That's Empress to You

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My Day in the Kitchen

Made ramen for breakfast. Prepped ahead of time: cut open outer package and inner foil packet and arranged them neatly on counter while water was boiling. Put in egg (see swirling froth in center) to simulate actual nutrition. M ade... Continue reading

Posted Sep 26, 2011 at That's Empress to You

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Michele Bachman's World

Got rid of the muskrat. Pawlenty. What a wimp. Where's my eyeliner? Makeup girl is an idiot; Minnesota girls are dumb, that's why I'm from Iowa. This week. Submissive means respect. Good line. Should repurpose that. Default means potted plant.... Continue reading

Posted Aug 15, 2011 at That's Empress to You

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Old Narcissist Appropriates Young Person's Optimism

I am looking at Twitter while waiting for my brilliance to light up the page, which I've scheduled to happen pretty soon for sure. There’s a message from a 22-year-old (right, Malcolm?) friend saying he’s moving to New York City... Continue reading

Posted Feb 15, 2011 at That's Empress to You

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News from SFUHS

With no commentary I offer the following: three junior and senior girls saw a fellow student wearing a t-shirt featuring Kim Jung-il and rainbows (again, no comment) and asked if it was Mao. Continue reading

Posted Dec 4, 2010 at That's Empress to You

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The Total Awesomeness of Climate Change

I finally read Jane Mayer’s piece about the Koch brothers in the August 30 issue of the New Yorker. It focuses on Charles and David Koch, the billionaire brother team that is surreptitiously funding non-profits such as the Americans for... Continue reading

Posted Oct 13, 2010 at That's Empress to You

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This is one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. Ever. A high school friend posted this on Facebook on Easter Sunday. I wasn't going to post this, for fear of alienating my evangelical fan base. But then I had... Continue reading

Posted Apr 9, 2010 at That's Empress to You

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Lisa Okuhn is now following The Typepad Team

Mar 15, 2010

And Those 11.7 ounce Bottles of Beer are an Islamic Plot

NPR ran a story the other day about Tea Party conservatives trying to appeal to young voters by appropriating “strategies” from the left (like that newfangled internet) to woo the youth vote. Jordan Marks of Young Americans for Freedom says... Continue reading

Posted Feb 12, 2010 at That's Empress to You

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Mayor Bloomberg Issues Rules on Humor, Beauty, Sex, Other Noxious Fun; Penalties Severe

Mayor Michael Bloomberg is adding salt to his list of Things People Should Not Have Because They’re Not Good For Me. A long-time smoker, he has banned smoking in bars, restaurants, workplaces and even public outdoor spaces. He has been... Continue reading

Posted Jan 12, 2010 at That's Empress to You

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Life Skills for Boys/Semester Two: Choosing a Mate

Both male and female mates should: Know how to walk in high heels, or not wear them at all. Be gracious enough to know how to negotiate old-school door/elevator/coat/chair traditions, but be flexible enough to eschew them if called for.... Continue reading

Posted Dec 29, 2009 at That's Empress to You

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